As I have posted elsewhere My wife had an online EA with some dude she met thru a video game which quickly spiraled all of our lives out of control. For months I was lied to, deceived and emotionally and psychologically abuse and attacked. Our history was rewritten, all my failures and my failures alone were highlighted and no good qualities were ever mentioned or remembered. And for quite the time I doubted reality as I came to believe her.

But I was able to resist it and over time I was able, or unwillingly to be more accurate, detach from her and in doing so things became more clear and focused. I realized that I was emotionally bullied and a victim of domestic violence. I also was able to see that during this EA and in many ways prior that our children were neglected for attention from her and only addressed when absolutely needed. No initiative or proactive measures at all. My eldest son, her step-son, was a victim of emotional, psychological and physical abuse and mistreatment. All financial and domestic responsibilities befell me for taking care of.

So I went on the offensive, collected evidence, gathered information and become hyperaware still to this day. The affair is over, but not by choice, it died out as he became busy for actually having to go to work and her change in shift for her job made it stressful and inconvenient for them to continue at the pace they were sustaining. And after nearly 8 months of asking she finally showed me the texts between the 2 of them. In doing so I learned that her statements from the past regarding this were nothing but lies, and she made light if not mocked our MC sessions and the both of them actually got aggravated and were confused as to why I was reacting to their affair with anger and irritation, as if I was in the wrong.

however, after showing me this she completely expected me to hand over any and all materials I have been able to capture, the recorders, the pictures of the house due to her influence and violent outburst, the ipod text messages and many other things. she began to act strange soon after and got a storage shed, took the week off from work and did not tell me about her vacation and initially lied about the storage shed. SHe claimed she feared me kicking her out and it was a preemptive, but why not tell me about your vacation.

as the week progressed she became more irritated and continued to focus on obtaining the materials. she even went as far as to deny physical affection while also instigating teasing and after I resisted this notion she and I fought one night and she became despondent and made a attempt at suicide.

After her pleading for me not to call the medics she agreed that she is to go to a trauma therapist. Although I think this is helping she also was diagnosed with Bi-polar symptoms and since then has become even more disconnected. She has over 700 hours, nearly 31 days total, of spending on that damn online game, sleeps during the day mostly when the kids are home and I learned from a source that her and her mother might be planning on living arrangements.

so to summarize;

I became plan B as her affair died, I was not chosen but merely the backup.

She has introduced infidelity, twice, during the last 8 years, violence, abuse, financial chaos, self harm.

States we can't move on until I give her the evidence materials.

Has still been caught lying.

has a negative "Credit" of love bank and trust built up, nearly 8 months worth.

Is unresponsive to me asking for domestic and financial help.

Unable to communicate on any level of things that she is responsible for or the subsequent actions that have stemmed from her affair.

Is this thing even worth saving?!!

Have you exposed her affair to your children, to her family, to her friends, work, clergy, etc.?

Children, yes

Most family members, yes, they do not wish to get involved at all no matter how much I ask for help, although they will listen to me and voice their opinion about it.

Friends, only a few, the remainder of her friends are on facebook and I cannot see them as they are hidden.

Work, no, Her affair did not involve anyone from work.

Clergy, we do not practice.

The people at TAM say to hit her with Divorce papers as a way this make this a reality to her. But it does appear that her affair died out and that the residual affects is that her life is perceived as a complete hell. I have eliminated most love busters but after a few weeks of frustration it comes to a head and boils completely over.

An example being that her online game time has been at several times a complete distraction from everything that needs or wants her attention, immediate or otherwise. On 5 occasions she has clocked in nearly 10 to 13 hours at a shot, left the children basically unattended and ignored me in the process. Although the children were not playing with chainsaws or anything like that they still were not supervised or provided proper attention to their daily needs or activity's such as making a proper breakfast or lunch or getting them to play outside. I'd see them in the living room on either the TV or CPU and learned they did this all day.

After making my case and presenting to her my problem in a calm and respectful manner the issue was acknowledged but eventually ignored and she continued this practice accordingly. Whenever I made any kind of comment or suggestion I was seen as being smothering and controlling.

Video games can be a real addiction. Have you considered limiting her access to the PC, tablet, or whatever she uses? Or trying to get her to agree to a limit? Some of these games require paid subscriptions, or encourage the purchase of virtual items for real currency. That might be a way to limit her participation if she plays such a game.

I am also an avid gamer, but have learned to balance it with real life activities and responsibilities. It was very easy, though, when my marriage was rocky to tune everything else out once the kids were in bed and enjoy not just the games but the social interaction. You didn't have to go anywhere, find a babysitter, or spend money. It isn't bar-hopping, hanging out in undesirable places, it's just a game. In case you aren't also a gamer, be aware that online games are played by a majority of males. It's common for attention-seeking females to capitalize on this.

It's easy to turn to video games to escape a bad situation, but it tends to snowball and become it's own problem.

The conditions that made the affair possible need to be changed. There can be no more online games whatsoever. Facebook also needs to be shut down permanently.

You may need to cut off internet to your home.

Will she write a No Contact letter?
Do you have Surviving an Affair?

What about exposure of OM?

You're in Plan C. Contact but not proactive or positive contact. This plan is the path to a traumatic and abusive divorce. If you wish to save your marriage you need to Plan A her in full. The fact is most wayward wives behave like this until won round.

If you don't want to then file for a D or a true Plan B where there is no contact. Dr H suggests you Plan A for as long as you can keep your temper and present an attractive front. Sounds like you are still holding it together.

The games are keeping her triggered. Plan A involves presenting a strong boundary and behaving like an attractive, reasonable spouse with high standards.

Of course you can't allow hours of gaming and another affair or the same affair restarting. Unplug it, make the house an internet free zone if necessary. It doesn't matter if she howls like a banshee. She can get her addiction met someplace else.


What living arrangements are planned with her mother?

Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

Yes, it is. You have children, and it is in their best interest if their parents recover the marriage. Divorce is also usually very hard on a man.

No one here will blame you if you want to get a divorce. That is your right. But this marriage is saveable if you follow the plan.

I too am, well was, an avid gamer. And all the points you list about are spot on and I agree about the need for escape. As for the Male to Female ratio I am all too aware of that.

The game type only requires an online service purchase, console based. If I even mention removing it or tossing it out the window it has the effect as gas tossed on a camp fire.

For these reasons alone I agree. I suppose my problem is the people over at TAM have laid into me about no showing her the consequences of her behavior. And in some ways they are correct; She shows no remorse, took forever to open up as she was hiding stuff, refuses to aid me when I ask for help and just doesn't seem to want to fix any of the damage that she did. Although I know I played a big part in everything, I cannot sustain this atmosphere for very much longer.

Almost everyday I get a little barb or full on argument about the evidence materials, I often have to resist the idea that given these back to her will result in her trying. I am sure about keeping it, but is it the right thing to do?

I read the book, it lead me here.

As for an NC Letter, isn't it a bad idea to do so if they haven't talked in quite the while? I mean he'd be enticed to respond!

Unknown, the source cannot be revealed nor would go into full details about these supposed plans, but I trust the source enough to feel that acting on it is imperative.

Don't mention it. Just get rid of it. Your marriage can survive her anger, but keeping the game is only going to keep your marriage vulnerable to another affair.

Don't make a big show about it. Just quietly remove it from your home.

This is the typical description of a typical wayward wife. She may NEVER show remorse for what she has done. But remorse is not necessary in order for your marriage to recover. What IS necessary is Just Compensation:
Just Compensation:
1. Ending all contact with the affair partner for life
Examples: NC letter, phone number changed, email changed ...

2. Removing the conditions that led to the affair (Extraordinary Precautions).
Examples: Facebook shutdown, Radical Honesty (no secret second life), job change, no more nights apart ...

3. Creating a romantic relationship using Marriage Builders concepts.
Examples: Eliminate Lovebusters, POJA, PORH, meet EN, UA time each week ...

Simply refuse to discuss the material. Yes, keep your evidence.

If the affair is already dead, then I think you are right that it's a bad idea.

BUT is she willing? If she is unwilling to write one if you wanted her to, that's a bad sign.

She is clearly addicted to gaming. That is her reward in life. What you need to do is change the situation with her such that you are her reward in life, and her relationship with you is the thing that she loves in life.

I heard a very good Marriage Builders Radio show recently where Dr. Harley addressed this with a husband and wife couple. The husband was a recovering alcoholic. Dr. Harley talked about the risks in this situation of the wife becoming his therapist rather than his companion and lover. I think this would be very good for you to hear:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=04653
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=04654
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=04655
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=04656
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=04657

I am cool with removing the system, but let me illustrate something for clarity and not for redundancy. Arounf the beginning of June and after a few weeks of her firing up the Phone wherever and whenever at a much more often pace and also being very aggressive about her feelings and stuff I took her cell phone and stashed it.

I bought and paid for it and its service and according to law it does belong to me. After I refused to give it up she destroyed the house and some of our irreplaceable belongings and some things of mine too.

I am sure this will happen again and if so what is the suggestible course of action?

I think you should drop those aggressive tactics. If you want to quit paying for the service, great, but snatching her cellphone and hiding it is the kind of thing I would expect a parent to do to a teenager. It doesn't exactly say "heart throbbing romance," does it?

PLEASE listen to the radio show I posted.

Isn't this contradicting to the advisable course of action Prisca mentioned about removing the game console? Regardless of the medium it is still the same end goal. I apologize for the lack of detail regarding her phone but is was taken and stashed without her knowing about my actions until she went to look for it.

And I will listen to the radio clips later this evening when I get alone time.

Absolutely. She is trying to maintain an affair lifestyle and doesn't want anyone seeing inside the crack house. If she was leaving it behind and willing to rebuild with you, why would she care about it?