About a week ago I found out my wife has been cheating on me. I've had my suspicions for a few weeks now. She has come clean with me on the details. I feel she is still holding some information back. Now she wants to have a divorce. We have been married for 13 years and dated a few years prior to marriage. We have 2 children under the age of 12. I still have feelings for her. I can not forgive her yet unless I see some major changes. I want us to give a real effort to work things out before we make the decision final.

Like many marriages we've had some ups and downs. However most our friends would have felt we had a "perfect" marriage. I know I have not always been the perfect husband. And she has not always been the perfect wife. Prior to this we always worked things out, but it was always for the short term. I'm hoping the exposure will help us understand truly what we have, and what we need to change to keep it if we don't end up in divorce.

Her physical and emotional affair is with a co-worker. I can no longer stand the suffering while she continues to have an emotional affair with him. Her happiness is coming at my expense. Reading the threads here have convinced me that I will need to expose this to her co-workers. My wife has no intension of ending her relationship. I feel that I need to stand up for myself and tell her new boyfriend that "They are destroying my family and my marriage, and it's not right and it's not OK". I know I cant make them stop, and I cant make my wife choose me. However I feel if I don't do this it will eat away at me for a long time, possibly forever. I have already exposed this to part of her family at her suggestion prior to coming here so I can have someone to talk to. I don't know if the exposure to her co-workers will help end it, however I feel I will be better off knowing I did what I can and am standing up for myself.

I'm putting my plan together for exposure for what I'm learning from here. I don't have a voice confession of her cheating. However I do have messages from her that state it. So far we have been very calm in discussing everything because I have chosen not to lose my control. If this turns out to be a divorce I plan on gaining as much custody of my children as I can. I'm guessing once I expose her I will see a whole new person from her, as she often screams and yell when upset.

We live in California. I know snooping is not legal here so I have no intensions of snooping through her computer and phone to gain additional evidence. We are also a no fault state, so even any hard evidence I have would be useless.

I thank all the people who have posted their stories here. It gives me the courage I need to follow through the plan.

FFL,

You wroteWe live in California. I know snooping is not legal here so I have no intensions of snooping through her computer and phone to gain additional evidence. We are also a no fault state, so even any hard evidence I have would be useless.

You need this intelligence even if you never use it for anything other than to keep it private to yourself as it will help you gain an upper hand.

Very very rarely does an OM want to take the witness stand and create a public record of his character.

Is the OM married and have you gathered all of the OM family, work, social and church contacts? Exposing the OM will cause him to drop your WW as it will make her too much trouble for him.

Do not tell anyone, especially your WW that you are going to expose, do it suddenly and completely without warnings or threats. If your WW or the OM get wind of your plans they will paint you as a crazy, do not let them get in the first shot.

God Bless
Gamma

FFL, I would use a more strategic approach in your exposures and follow the template in my exposure thread. I would particularly focus on exposing to your wife's family and the OM's family. If the OM has a facebook page you should expose to his facebook contacts.

Any children aged 4 and up should be informed.

Hard evidence is not useless in the least. It helps you fight against the affair.

Have you read this? SAA-Start Here First

FFL,


No, it was not useless. It was far more valuable to me than I could ever express. To hear the actual conversations between them, their plans, their opinions about me, our marriage, their justifications, etc assured me I was not crazy. I was not paranoid nor was I overreacting. It told me when he was lying and what was the real truth. And those assurances were worth any risk. Keep in mind there is no risk if you never divulge HOW you acquired the information. I knew it could not be used in court but saving my sanity was worth it.

I've come to the realization that she can never change her ways to be good for me in having a healthy marriage. She has agreed to give me majority custody of the kids. Likely much more than a court would award. We are still in talks on how to split the care costs and everything we built together.

I realize I will never have a good marriage with her and want to move on with my life. I have been thinking about this divorce for over a year. At this point it seems like I have lots to loose by exposing. She knows she has wronged me and willing to do what she can to try and right things with me. I don't feel there can ever be a right. But the biggest concern of mine is the kids.

It appears to be I have nothing to gain by exposing. Am I being realistic?

The OM is not married. I have looked at the exposure templates and prepared them. However at this point if you see my last post I think it may be best to let it go.

Yes thanks

Is this what you really want? A divorce?

What about the OM being around your children? How are you protecting them?

The OM will not be around my children. The terms will be me having the children 80-90% of the time. My wife does not want a long term relationship with him. And I don't think he wants on with her either. It's a fling for her until she gets bored of it and moves on to her next. While she was with OM, she had also had a one night stand at a bar. I believe both me and OM knows that. She's not looking to settle down. She wants freedom to go play. Like a teenager that has discovered boys.

She will see the children every other weekend, then bring them back to my home. We agree she will not be introducing OM to the children unless some day she decides to grow up. We both want what's best for the children, and that is why she is agreeing to the custody agreement. I expect that we will have all this documented and agreed upon in our divorce filing. She will have all the nights and every weekend to go and fulfill her fantasies without the children around. I will be in good communications with the children to ensure she does not stray from our agreement.

Ideally I don't want a divorce. I want a wife that will change her ways and work with me to build a good marriage. During our time together we built many things, but failed to build a great foundation. She was really never up for the commitment. However the stars aligned for us to be together for a long time. However I know she is not willing to accomplish this. So I think it's best for us to divorce and me finding someone that is much more compatible with me. Many of her qualities I found attractive to me are now biting me in the butt.

I tried to change her for nearly 2 decades. I've come to the realization that I can not do that. Nor can I show her that she would like to choose that.

If it is your decision to go with divorce, then make sure your custody agreement is iron clad. You should have full custody with her having visitation...or at least full physical custody. You should also have a provision in there for no overnights with a man present and anything else you need in there such as child support, etc.

If your WW balks at such things you will know very quickly that she is FOS...which will be no surprise either.

Thank you Black Raven. Those are very good points. It's good to see that to make sure I remember to have lots of details explicitly listed out.

You should still expose though. Since your WW claims OM is just a fling and that she wants a divorce, you should let your families and children know so they know. If this is the life she wants then there is no reason to hide it. And since she claims you will have the children 90% of the time, the sooner that is established the better.

Are you aware of how disrespectful this sounds? You are going to need to learn how to avoid such love busters or you will find that no woman is ever compatible with you.

I didn't realize this sounds disrespectful. There is a lot of detail I have not gotten into and will not in this forum. The things I want her to change would help us because they are love busters.

She's being extremely rude and disrespectful to me. Our councilor has also observed this. She is continuing to be disrespectful to me. One evening she even asked me if it would be okay if I stay home and she goes over to her friend and stay over night. She is totally set in her way and feels no remorse for what she did. In fact she has told me that if she had an option to go back and do it all over should would not have changed a thing about cheating on me.

I just feel I've put up with the emotional abuse enough and it's time to move on. I'm very glad I found this forum and there's lots here that I will want to apply to my future relationships so I can be successful.

Maybe it's easier for others to think about rebuilding a marriage when their significant other is constantly flaunting their new relationships in front of them. But I can't take it anymore and need to remove myself from this bad and unhealthy environment.

Thanks, I do plan on still exposing to the family. But not to her work.

You have everything to gain by exposing because it will help lift her fog. Keeping her secret fuels the fantasy of the affair and it also allows her to lie about you and blame you for the break up. There is absolutely no benefit to helping her hide the affair.

It is in your children's best interest and your wife's best interest foe you to expose because exposure is therapeutic. It is therapeutic whether or not you want to save the marriage.

Why not to her work?

Isn't the OM a co-worker? Why wouldn't you expose at her job?

Actually she has already told some of her family, and from as far as I can tell it's the truth. I'm just figuring the right way to tell my kids. Her family knows there's nothing they can do to change her mind. They also feel it's in my best interest to take the kids and move on. She does not blame me for the break up. It's pretty clear to her family. I don't feel she will try that.

Why don't I want to expose to her work? It would be a huge financial impact to me and the kids. Right now she's willing to work with me to make sure I can continue to provide a stable life to the kids. At least that part she's willing to work with. Also there are at least 2 OM that I know of. One is the co-worker who is a friend with benefits. He already knows she is going to continue having relations with random strangers and may make more FWB. The second OM was a random guy she met at a bar. I can tell she is really having a great time and enjoying herself. And she intends on doing much more. She has decided to stop telling me anymore, and I don't want to know anymore. I don't intend to spend my life tracking and following her. She is good looking enough that she gets hit on all the time. She will have no problems getting guys want no strings fun. So I feel exposing her at work has nothing to gain for me and everything to loose. If you have a different view please share it with me.

I do feel that I will want to push for a no contact with other while the children is with her to be specifically listed in the terms of the custody.

I'm planning out my plan B. I don't want to be around her anymore. I'm starting to fear that seeing her of thinking about her will give me a STD. I cant even bring myself to touch her anymore.

Thanks so far for all the additional brain storming.