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Yes, I have a high fear of interception. I guess the other option would to be sending to their residence.

Communicating on here is really helping me slow down and think things out in this time.

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Okay, I began exposure yesterday. The OM's friends must be talking to him because he told my WW what I did.

And she's furious. Is pretty much text book. We are planning her moving out now. Hope the rest of the textbook is real.

Last edited by FightingForLove; 08/14/14 10:38 PM.
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Originally Posted by FightingForLove
Okay, I began exposure yesterday. The OM's friends must be talking to him because he told my WW what I did.

And she's furious. Is pretty much text book. We are planning her moving out now. Hope the rest of the textbook is real.

FFL, please come back and keep us informed. What do you mean when you say you "planning her moving out?" I hope that you are not cooperating with such a scheme. Almost every WS threatens to leave when they have been exposed. But they don't leave.

Please come back here and update us.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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That was what she was initially wanting. I was acknowledging her that I heard that. This morning she has calmed down a lot. I would her I want her to stay and we work things out. I told her I have a plan for us to get over this. I told her I have a plan so we can build a much better marriage. She is open to listening. I will continue plan A. I will need to get her to fully agree to stop the affair and work on a no contact letter with her. I'm hoping we don't need to move to plan B. She still might want some time and space to herself. But if it is truly herself then I can live with that.

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When is it the right time to have the spouse start reading "Surviving An Affair?" Since part of plan A is not to tell WS about how the plan for exposure was derived. The book list exposure in there.

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Originally Posted by FightingForLove
Okay, I began exposure yesterday. The OM's friends must be talking to him because he told my WW what I did.

And she's furious. Is pretty much text book. We are planning her moving out now. Hope the rest of the textbook is real.
So she's still in contact with OM?

Where does she plan to go? Make sure you tell her if she leaves she will not be allowed to bring OM around the children.

Have you exposed to their jobs?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by FightingForLove
I will need to get her to fully agree to stop the affair and work on a no contact letter with her. I'm hoping we don't need to move to plan B. She still might want some time and space to herself. But if it is truly herself then I can live with that.

Did you expose at work?

I would be a broken record that she must leave this job in order for your marriage to recover.

If she wants some "time and space" to herself, I would clear out a corner of the garage for her. Moving out to get "time and space" is the code word for moving out to CARRY ON MY AFFAIR. I hope that you CANNOT live with that!!

Show her the book, Surviving an Affair, and tell her that your plan for recovery is in this book.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Yes she is still in contact with OM. I have not exposed to work yet. I will give them a chance to change their jobs. If the do not do that and stop contact. I will need to move to plan b I will expose to work. However that's going to cause huge problems for us as we will likely loose our house without WS income.

I decided not to expose to Job right now because in Dr. Harley's book there is mention that exposure is not recommended in certain situations.

"Economic considerations

A divorce, and even separation, can have dire economic consequences for a betrayed spouse. Many wives of cheating husbands that I've counseled are economically dependent on him. If she exposes the affair, she fears that he will leave her, creating financial hardship. So in those cases, before exposing the affair, I generally encourage her to plan for that possibility.

Women's shelters usually offer both legal and financial advice for women who find themselves dependent on irresponsible men. Temporary aid from government, religious, and other charitable agencies can provide a safety net for those women. While exposure usually causes the affair to end, these betrayed women can expose his affair with less fear when they know that separation will not leave them destitute.

When there is an affair in the workplace, my general advice is that the unfaithful spouse must quit the job and find another to avoid ever seeing or talking to the lover again. But while the affair is taking place and the unfaithful spouse is unwilling to resign, should a betrayed spouse expose the affair to the employer?

While I unhesitatingly recommend exposing the affair to friends, family, clergy, children and the lover's spouse, I'm not so quick to suggest exposing it to an employer. That's because such exposure could have unintended legal and economic consequences. For example, the affair might constitute grounds for a sexual harassment claim by the unfaithful spouse's lover. Or it might trigger the outright firing of the spouse, making it far more difficult for them to find another job.

So in those cases I usually advise the betrayed spouse to warn the unfaithful spouse he or she will expose the affair to the employer in a month if the unfaithful spouse is still working there, giving him or her time to make a graceful exit from the job to another. Even if a new job cannot be found in a month, I recommend waiting no longer to inform the employer, unless the unfaithful spouse has already resigned. "

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Originally Posted by FightingForLove
Yes she is still in contact with OM. I have not exposed to work yet. I will give them a chance to change their jobs. If the do not do that and stop contact. I will need to move to plan b I will expose to work. However that's going to cause huge problems for us as we will likely loose our house without WS income.

I decided not to expose to Job right now because in Dr. Harley's book there is mention that exposure is not recommended in certain situations.

So, TODAY you will give her 30 days to leave the job or you will expose to her workplace. If she does not give her notice by Monday and agree to leave, you should go ahead and expose NOW. The 30 day grace period is ONLY for those who are leaving their workplace gracefully.

And you should not even consider Plan B for quite some time.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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And yes, workplace exposure *IS* recommended by Dr. Harley. Very much so. He just recommends a different procedure in certain situations.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I do realize that once she moves out the possibility we will get back together will drop significantly. If WS does move out and continue to see other people my possibility of reconciling with WS also drops significantly. If she does move out I would like her to stay with one of her siblings who are all in favor of us working things out and hopefully keep her in line.

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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by FightingForLove
Yes she is still in contact with OM. I have not exposed to work yet. I will give them a chance to change their jobs. If the do not do that and stop contact. I will need to move to plan b I will expose to work. However that's going to cause huge problems for us as we will likely loose our house without WS income.

I decided not to expose to Job right now because in Dr. Harley's book there is mention that exposure is not recommended in certain situations.

So, TODAY you will give her 30 days to leave the job or you will expose to her workplace. If she does not give her notice by Monday and agree to leave, you should go ahead and expose NOW. The 30 day grace period is ONLY for those who are leaving their workplace gracefully.

And you should not even consider Plan B for quite some time.

Correct I will be making that clear with WS today. When do I consider Plan B if she is unwilling to stop seeing OM?

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Originally Posted by FightingForLove
[

Correct I will be making that clear with WS today. When do I consider Plan B if she is unwilling to stop seeing OM?


You have several months until that will happen. But I would get this job thing out of the way today. Start the clock on this today so she can give her notice today. If she won't do this, you should go ahead and expose now.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by FightingForLove
I do realize that once she moves out the possibility we will get back together will drop significantly. If WS does move out and continue to see other people my possibility of reconciling with WS also drops significantly. If she does move out I would like her to stay with one of her siblings who are all in favor of us working things out and hopefully keep her in line.

You are correct that your chances for reconciliation go down significantly if she moves out. My concern was that you might believe the nonsense about getting "time and space." It is a ploy used by way wards to get away from their spouse so they can carry on an affair.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by FightingForLove
I do realize that once she moves out the possibility we will get back together will drop significantly. If WS does move out and continue to see other people my possibility of reconciling with WS also drops significantly. If she does move out I would like her to stay with one of her siblings who are all in favor of us working things out and hopefully keep her in line.

You are correct that your chances for reconciliation go down significantly if she moves out. My concern was that you might believe the nonsense about getting "time and space." It is a ploy used by way wards to get away from their spouse so they can carry on an affair.

Yes Melody I truly understand that. I also realize that when she is "alone" even if not seeing this OM she may start seeing OM(S) Not sure how to pluralize the abbreviation. Which is why I have a high feeling of confidence that once we separate we are heading down the fast track of divorce.

The other reason I am hesitant to expose to her work is that currently she is in agreement of me and the kids staying in the house and she will help financially with that, even after a divorce. I do know she cares about the kids enough that she would stick to that.

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Disrepectful judgement... From Dr Harley's book

"A disrespectful judgment occurs whenever someone tries to impose a system of values and beliefs on someone else. When a husband tries to force his point of view on his wife, he�s just asking for trouble. When a wife assumes that her own views are right and her husband is woefully misguided�and tells him so�she enters a minefield."

If I want my wife to believe that a good marriage is just 2 people (Me and Her) and our kids. And following Dr. Harley's guide from his book. No OM and no OW are to be involved. If I need to make her believe that do I have a disrespectful judgment? Or do I have a hopeless situation?

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Originally Posted by FightingForLove
[
The other reason I am hesitant to expose to her work is that currently she is in agreement of me and the kids staying in the house and she will help financially with that, even after a divorce.

The reason you should expose at work is it gives you the best shot of saving your marriage so you avoid all that. You are planning for divorce and we are planning for your marriage. She has to leave the job regardless. She is better off leaving in 30 days, than getting fired when they find out what she is doing at work, which they eventually will.

And no, she won't stick to any financial agreements during a divorce. I wish I had a dollar for every BS who told me their WS was going to be "amicable" and then was shocked when the WS wiped out the bank account, and filed for full custody and possession of the house. We have had wayward wives move BACK in the house, kick out the BH and move in their OM. So please don't make any plans based on the "promises" of a wayward.

Don't count on or believe any promises she makes because it won't happen that way. And keep in mind, many of these grand "promises" are made to keep you in check.

Quote
I do know she cares about the kids enough that she would stick to that.

She does not care about your children right now. She is wrecking their family so she can carry on her affair.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by FightingForLove
Disrepectful judgement... From Dr Harley's book

"A disrespectful judgment occurs whenever someone tries to impose a system of values and beliefs on someone else. When a husband tries to force his point of view on his wife, he�s just asking for trouble. When a wife assumes that her own views are right and her husband is woefully misguided�and tells him so�she enters a minefield."

If I want my wife to believe that a good marriage is just 2 people (Me and Her) and our kids. And following Dr. Harley's guide from his book. No OM and no OW are to be involved. If I need to make her believe that do I have a disrespectful judgment? Or do I have a hopeless situation?

You should view her as a falling down drunk who is high on alcohol. You can't make a falling down drunk believe anything. It is a waste of your time. The only thing you can do is make her affair as difficult as possible.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by FightingForLove
Disrepectful judgement... From Dr Harley's book

"A disrespectful judgment occurs whenever someone tries to impose a system of values and beliefs on someone else. When a husband tries to force his point of view on his wife, he�s just asking for trouble. When a wife assumes that her own views are right and her husband is woefully misguided�and tells him so�she enters a minefield."

If I want my wife to believe that a good marriage is just 2 people (Me and Her) and our kids. And following Dr. Harley's guide from his book. No OM and no OW are to be involved. If I need to make her believe that do I have a disrespectful judgment? Or do I have a hopeless situation?

Stating what you believe or how something makes you feel is not a DJ(disrespectful judgement).

But lecturing or expecting her to feel the same way is a DJ.
Demanding that she believe the same as you is a SD (selfish demand).

That being said, Dr Harley says that it is fair/justified to demand that they stop seeing the affair partner.

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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
You should view her as a falling down drunk who is high on alcohol. You can't make a falling down drunk believe anything. It is a waste of your time. The only thing you can do is make her affair as difficult as possible.

Thank you guys for keeping me with the thoughts of exposure. That is making this affair much more difficult now. I know the OM is no longer in happy land.

I know to continue saving the marriage with WS I will need her to agree to end all communications with him, and have open and transparent honesty. However there's a high probability she will go back to having random hook ups. Even if I watch her every move. It would not be hard for her to have a quickie with a stranger if she wants. She would have to put more thought and effort into it. However if we are at that point I don't understand that I have a marriage left to save. If WS is not on board of my idea of marriage then can someone help me understand what I have to save?

I to want to plan for a save.

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