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Originally Posted by FightingForLove
I know to continue saving the marriage with WS I will need her to agree to end all communications with him, and have open and transparent honesty. However there's a high probability she will go back to having random hook ups. Even if I watch her every move. It would not be hard for her to have a quickie with a stranger if she wants. S

What do you mean by this? What has made you think she would pick up a random stranger to have sex? Is this something she has done in the past? Is this affair with her coworker her first affair?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by FightingForLove
I know to continue saving the marriage with WS I will need her to agree to end all communications with him, and have open and transparent honesty. However there's a high probability she will go back to having random hook ups. Even if I watch her every move. It would not be hard for her to have a quickie with a stranger if she wants. S

What do you mean by this? What has made you think she would pick up a random stranger to have sex? Is this something she has done in the past? Is this affair with her coworker her first affair?

This is not her first affair. If you refer to my post #2814121 - 08/09/14 you will see where I mentioned that during this affair with OM WS also had a one night stand. OM is okay with it, which is why I don't see them developing a long term relationship.

This is actually affair #2 and #3. #1 was a one time deal and stopped, at the time I did not know about this forum so I did not follow the guide.

I fear ending #2 starts #4, #5, and so on.....

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One of the reasons for exposing to as many people as possible is so that there are more people to hold her (and the affair partner) accountable.

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Originally Posted by FightingForLove
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by FightingForLove
I know to continue saving the marriage with WS I will need her to agree to end all communications with him, and have open and transparent honesty. However there's a high probability she will go back to having random hook ups. Even if I watch her every move. It would not be hard for her to have a quickie with a stranger if she wants. S

What do you mean by this? What has made you think she would pick up a random stranger to have sex? Is this something she has done in the past? Is this affair with her coworker her first affair?

This is not her first affair. If you refer to my post #2814121 - 08/09/14 you will see where I mentioned that during this affair with OM WS also had a one night stand. OM is okay with it, which is why I don't see them developing a long term relationship.

This is actually affair #2 and #3. #1 was a one time deal and stopped, at the time I did not know about this forum so I did not follow the guide.

I fear ending #2 starts #4, #5, and so on.....

There is a world of difference between a spouse who falls into an affair out of ignorance and one who is actively seeking out affairs. Which category would you place your wife?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Hard to say, she did not active seek #1 and #2. I'm not sure if #3 was just a moment of opportunity. She tells me she does not actively seek them out. But guys do hit on her all the time and she's pretty flirty. Moments of opportunity can happen all the time. For example she could be waiting in line for fast food, and the guy sanding behind her or in front might start chatting. That can lead to an opportunity. I'm not saying she will actively go to a bar with the purpose to find a hook up, which I don't think she's ever done. How would you classify this?

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Originally Posted by FightingForLove
Hard to say, she did not active seek #1 and #2. I'm not sure if #3 was just a moment of opportunity. She tells me she does not actively seek them out. But guys do hit on her all the time and she's pretty flirty. Moments of opportunity can happen all the time. For example she could be waiting in line for fast food, and the guy sanding behind her or in front might start chatting. That can lead to an opportunity. I'm not saying she will actively go to a bar with the purpose to find a hook up, which I don't think she's ever done. How would you classify this?
So she doesn't know how to have boundaries around you?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Three affairs tells me she is actively looking for action and is advertising the fact that she is open for business. That is very, very different from what we typically see here. And let me explain how. Most people who have affairs are decent people who just have poor boundaries. They might become overly friendly with a friend and find themselves falling in love. The temptation just becomes too great. That is different from someone who is out trolling for action.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Originally Posted by FightingForLove
Hard to say, she did not active seek #1 and #2. I'm not sure if #3 was just a moment of opportunity. She tells me she does not actively seek them out. But guys do hit on her all the time and she's pretty flirty. Moments of opportunity can happen all the time. For example she could be waiting in line for fast food, and the guy sanding behind her or in front might start chatting. That can lead to an opportunity. I'm not saying she will actively go to a bar with the purpose to find a hook up, which I don't think she's ever done. How would you classify this?
So she doesn't know how to have boundaries around you?

Prior to the cheating it was never a issue for her to chat. It was always just that. Now I start to see it as a problem. I'm not sure she has any boundaries. It normally does not happen much when I'm around. It also does not have to be a guy. She's naturally very chatty and friendly.

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That why I wonder at times if I have a marriage that is savable.

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Originally Posted by FightingForLove
That why I wonder at times if I have a marriage that is savable.
Sorry I meant boundaries around men, but you obviously understood.

Have I linked the serial cheaters thread to you?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Here and listen to the clips towards the end. Tell us what you think.
Serial Cheaters


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Is she IN LOVE with these affair partners?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Not #1 and #3. She is developing feelings for #2. #2 is the one I exposed.

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Possible she might be a serial cheater. She does like the thrill of a new person. Basically she seems to have a addiction. I do realize we need to keep her away for an environment that promotes it.

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Originally Posted by FightingForLove
Not #1 and #3. She is developing feelings for #2. #2 is the one I exposed.

That is very problematic because it is obvious she is just out looking for action. That is much harder to deal with. You really have to take steps to protect yourself and start thinking long term. Sure, someone like this can change, but it is not as simple as just busting up one affair because she is not addicted to one person. She just has a philosophy of life that is not conducive to marriage.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Well she has finally agreed to stop seeing OM. The affair was ended due to my demand. However I'm not sure if it was done to stop hurting me.

We started reading Surviving a Affair together.

I will go over the following with her

"Set her down and explain to her that you want to have a romantic, loving, SAFE marriage and that you won�t stay in a loveless marriage. Tell her you are willing to give her an opportunity to earn your forgiveness. In order for the marriage to recover, certain things have to happen. This is what it will take to keep you interested:

1. end all contact with the OM for life

2. no more nights apart or going out without each other - create a healthy, integrated lifestyle

3. complete transparency - cell phone passwords, etc

4. no more opposite sex friendships

5. complete honesty about her affair<s> � passing a polygraph

6. commit to the Marriage Builders program for recovery as outlined in the book Surviving an Affair. "

However because of the exposure she no longer trust me. She feel information that she gives me is being collected for evidence. I've tried explaining that I've already exposed and done with that. I want to see if we can start a recovery process. How long will it take for her to understand my need for exposure? When we get to that part in the book?

1, 2, 3, 4, and 6 will be tricky ones. However if WS can not agree to those I don't have anything to build a new marriage on, so I have not really lost anything.

As to her philosophy, you are right on. I tried to explain that early in my post, but was not able to put it as clearly as you defined Melody. I realize that if she does not change that philosophy then I don't have a basis to build a marriage on.

I realize you are all trying to help me save my marriage. However the facts show me that I might not have a marriage to save. Which is why I feel I need to also plan for separation and divorce. If we go that route I will be able to fully grieve and heal once we are finished with our marriage.

Last edited by FightingForLove; 08/19/14 09:31 AM.
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So she has no interest in making any changes in her life, so all steps 1 - 6 are out the door. Making plans for separation and divorce. We will be working with a mediator since we are currently in agreement of terms.

I know most of you here don't believe me that she will stick to it. But I don't have any other option. We could both lawyer up now but that would increase the cost of divorce drastically and would probably no longer be on speaking terms after that. And if she does not stick to our agreement then we can lawyer up at that point.

I think it's final. I don't have a marriage to save.

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The exposure did work mostly well. OM snapped out of his dream and wanted out. Thanks everyone for keeping me on the ball.

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Originally Posted by FightingForLove
The exposure did work mostly well. OM snapped out of his dream and wanted out. Thanks everyone for keeping me on the ball.
Good and who all did you expose to?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by FightingForLove
Not #1 and #3. She is developing feelings for #2. #2 is the one I exposed.

That is very problematic because it is obvious she is just out looking for action. That is much harder to deal with. You really have to take steps to protect yourself and start thinking long term. Sure, someone like this can change, but it is not as simple as just busting up one affair because she is not addicted to one person. She just has a philosophy of life that is not conducive to marriage.

MelodyLane, I saw in another post you mentioned this. "I had to learn right and wrong all on my own because he made me so morally confused. He taught me "whatever feels good, do it" a life wrecking philosophy.. Fortunately, I was able to overcome that inanity with my own intelligence."

May I ask what helped you understand that life wrecking philosophy and made you want to change? WW has the same philosophy and likely this is the reason we are having our problem. I know she fully understood and wanted to change then we have a chance. Is there anything I can do to help her?

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