Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 2 of 4 1 2 3 4
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 103
K
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 103
he will resent it if we move... because he feel he has sacrificed enough.
do you see the dilemma. The choice is in my hands.

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted By: kstockett
he does NOT work with the OW. HE works near her office


KS, the only way you are going to recover is to move. Dr Harley would tell you to pick up and just move in the hopes that he will follow you. Your marriage will never recover living there. Staying in this position will just wear you down emotionally and physically.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,272
Likes: 2
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,272
Likes: 2
Originally Posted By: kstockett
he will resent it if we move... because he feel he has sacrificed enough.
do you see the dilemma. The choice is in my hands.

How will your marriage survive if he can see the OW everyday? So you're supposed to suffer from his affairs because you had an affair first? Is that correct?

You never answered my question about contacting Dr. Harley and having him talk with your WH.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 103
K
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 103
he does not see the OW everyday. He says he hasn't seen them in a year.

Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 103
K
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 103
Originally Posted By: MelodyLane
Originally Posted By: kstockett
he does NOT work with the OW. HE works near her office
Staying in this position will just wear you down emotionally and physically.


this is where I am at now. Why do therapists NOT understand this!

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted By: kstockett
he does not see the OW everyday. He says he hasn't seen them in a year.



First off, he is right there, so every time he goes there he is triggered. You know you are triggered? Well, he is too!

And secondly, when he does see her, you are the last person he would tell. How would you know he doesn't see her? If I am a "recovering" alcoholic who sits in the bar every day, do you think I am going to tell anyone when I drink? Hell no. And if I sit in the bar all day, it is just a matter of time before I drink because the booze will stay top of mind and the opportunity is right there within reach!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted By: kstockett
Originally Posted By: MelodyLane
Originally Posted By: kstockett
he does NOT work with the OW. HE works near her office
Staying in this position will just wear you down emotionally and physically.


this is where I am at now. Why do therapists NOT understand this!


VERY FEW understand the dynamics of infidelity. It is a foreign world to them.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 103
K
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 103
Originally Posted By: MelodyLane
Originally Posted By: kstockett
he does not see the OW everyday. He says he hasn't seen them in a year.





And secondly, when he does see her, you are the last person he would tell. How would you know he doesn't see her?


all I have to go on is his integrity. I told him everything and am honest. If he has to trick me into staying married to him well, that's really pathetic.

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted By: kstockett
[

all I have to go on is his integrity.


That is my point. "Integrity" is non existent when there is an affair. Would you trust me, a chronic alcoholic, [albeit sober 29 years] to go sit in the bar all day? I wouldn't even trust me!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Jul 2013
Posts: 810
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jul 2013
Posts: 810
Originally Posted By: kstockett

all I have to go on is his integrity. I told him everything and am honest. If he has to trick me into staying married to him well, that's really pathetic.
His integrity has nothing to do with the strength of addictions. Many good people with integrity still get addicted to pain meds, or to alcohol. That doesn't make them bad peopleit makes them addicted people. Do we call them pathetic?

Affairs are addictions. Your husband may not be touching the merchandise, but rest assured that he feels a nice (addicted) high whenever he sees the OW and she looks longingly at him.


DDays - six months of them
THANK YOU God and Marriage Builders.
We never knew that it could be this good! smile
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 116
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 116
Originally Posted By: kstockett
maybe I just need to heal, get over my insecurity, and think of my marriage as more important than these occasionall triggers though.


No marriage is healthy while there is an affair.
You need to get him out of the affair. Expose and plan a
There are some great people on MB who can help you greatly.
To the best of my knowledge my wife's affair had ended 100 percent.
I could never have it any other way.
Me knowing my wife is having sex with another man would kill me if I knew it was going on while it was going on.
My R seems to be gong well because I followed the advice given here.

Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 103
K
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 103
what affair? He's been out of it for 2.5 years. As I said, I exposed far and wide.
I just need help deciding if what he is offering is enough for me. I've been in limbo for 2.5 years because it obviously hasn't been and I need to make a decision for my own emotional health and well-being.
If I leave it's not going to be with him. He has known about my struggle for two years and has chosen not to do anything. So I will chose not to be with someone who doens't make their marriage their first priority.
He has made his decision. It's now time for my countermove. It's like a freaking chess game and there is no room for that in a marriage.

Last edited by kstockett; 08/18/14 01:07 PM.
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 116
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 116
Sorry,
I didn't catch that in your previous post.
I am always for saving a salvageable marriage.
I this k you need to put your neath before your H in this case, because your husbands choices caused this.

Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197
U
Member
Offline
Member
U
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197
Originally Posted By: kstockett
he will resent it if we move... because he feel he has sacrificed enough.
do you see the dilemma. The choice is in my hands.


The choice IS in your hands. Everyone has a choice in their hands when it comes to infidelity. Your BS had a choice of whether to recover with you after your A, and under what conditions. And you also have a choice of whether to recover with him after his A's, and under what conditions.

Just because you have tolerated this unacceptable condition for 2+ years, does not mean you have to continue to accept it now if you are not enthusiastic about it. And since true recovery cannot happen under these circumstances, you should not accept it unless you want this infidelity to haunt you for years to come.

Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197
U
Member
Offline
Member
U
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197
Originally Posted By: unwritten

What type of EP's did you put into place after both your affairs?


I do not think you responded to this. What EP's have you put in place, for both of you? Obviously a highly needed one would be to move away from the AP's and have no further contact with them. (And yes, this DOES apply to just seeing them across the parking lot once in a blue moon) EP's are the only way to make you feel safe again, and make another affair next to impossible.

Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 103
K
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 103
page 2 - not quoted very well....

HE WILL NOT GO WHERE THEY ARE AT, STAY WHERE THEY ARE AT, IF AT A BUSINESS FUNCTION. NO BEING ALONE WITH OPPOSITE SEX, ETC.

we have each other's passwords, I've checked on occasion, full transparency from both sides.

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted By: kstockett
what affair? He's been out of it for 2.5 years. As I said, I exposed far and wide.
I just need help deciding if what he is offering is enough for me. I've been in limbo for 2.5 years because it obviously hasn't been and I need to make a decision for my own emotional health and well-being.
If I leave it's not going to be with him. He has known about my struggle for two years and has chosen not to do anything. So I will chose not to be with someone who doens't make their marriage their first priority.
He has made his decision. It's now time for my countermove. It's like a freaking chess game and there is no room for that in a marriage.


Moving away is a win/win for you. You will win either way. If he follow you that is a win beucase you can get him away from the OW and the triggers and truly recover your marriage. Moving is amazingly therapeutic!

And if he doesn't follow you, you will end up completely detached from and in a better position to walk away and divorce him. That is a WIN if he will not get on board to sea your marriage.

What is a LOSS is to stay there in limbo and allow yourself to get worn down more and more as time goes on. That is a losing proposition.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted By: kstockett
page 2 - not quoted very well....

HE WILL NOT GO WHERE THEY ARE AT, STAY WHERE THEY ARE AT, IF AT A BUSINESS FUNCTION. NO BEING ALONE WITH OPPOSITE SEX, ETC.


All empty, meaningless talk. If he were having an affair you would be the last person in the world he would tell. He could be seeing her every day and you would never know it.

He works 100 feet away from the OW? You must be kidding me? Who would put up with that?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted By: kstockett
p
HE WILL NOT GO WHERE THEY ARE AT, STAY WHERE THEY ARE AT, IF AT A BUSINESS FUNCTION. NO BEING ALONE WITH OPPOSITE SEX, ETC.


That is NOT an extraordinary precaution. That is like saying :

"I will tell you when I go drunk driving!"


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,272
Likes: 2
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,272
Likes: 2
Dr. Harley says all the conditions that allowed the affair must be changed. His OW being 100 yards away was one of the conditions, correct?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Page 2 of 4 1 2 3 4

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 31 guests, and 47 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Ella Paradis, Lethabo, Livn1dayAtaTime, widup, Reggg
71,683 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,528
Posts2,322,563
Members71,682
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5