Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 5 of 10 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 9 10
garak77 #2813419 08/05/14 05:44 PM
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
I
Member
Offline
Member
I
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
See you're trying to second guess exposure and you can't do that because you can't predict the future. There are many varied results of exposure and you can't afford to skip any of those varied benefits.

It tells your wife you won't cover up her affairs. Any affairs she has will be public property. <----------very important message!!!!

It gives people the chance to protect themselves from the wrong doers. One OM was found out to be abusing a 15 yo girl.

It allows supportive people to help keep the affair partners apart. You need that. Your eyes cannot be everywhere.

It allows you to see who is unsupportive - so you can exclude them. No you can't guess ahead of time who that's going to be - you're going to be shocked.

Your wife needs to face her shame over this. You covering it up doesn't achieve that.

Let's remember who the psychologist is here - Dr H and he has never seen a successful recovery without exposure.



What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

garak77 #2813476 08/05/14 09:28 PM
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,079
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,079
gm,

"Well I can be sure OM's W exposed to the bitter end. I know her sister knows.
My wife told her own mother and sister and brother on her own.
(My W told her own family herself)"

How can you be sure what she did?? And, allowing your ww to do your job of exposure is pitiful. You're dancing around direct questions regarding no complete exposure on your part like a mouse of a husband! Maybe you should rethink if you want your marriage AND read Surviving an Affair instead of just glancing at it!

Tom

Tom2010 #2813614 08/06/14 06:29 PM
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 116
G
garak77 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 116
Well,
My wife is from Brazil, her family is in Brazil and they do not speak English, so I could not expose to them.
On D day, I had a MC / therapist that perhaps did not hive me the best advice.

garak77 #2813627 08/06/14 07:20 PM
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
Originally Posted by gmsisko1
Well,
My wife is from Brazil, her family is in Brazil and they do not speak English, so I could not expose to them.
On D day, I had a MC / therapist that perhaps did not hive me the best advice.

Sir, you make a lot of excuses for why you cant expose to OM family or even your own.
If I needed to send a message to someone that spoke Portugese, I could do it within 24 hours. In this modern age, there is no valid reason why the language barrier would prevent your exposure.

Jedi_Knight #2813631 08/06/14 07:29 PM
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 1,650
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 1,650
Google translate and use copy paste in an email. My MIL speaks spanish and I exposed. Jedi is right you skipping steps and a text message doesn't mean the affair is over.

Darkguy #2813633 08/06/14 07:45 PM
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 863
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 863
Google translate isn't going to cut it. Spend a few bucks and get a human to translate it.

***EDIT***

Last edited by Ariel; 08/06/14 08:00 PM. Reason: Removing link.

Remarried 7/16
Thanks MB!
nmwb77 #2814119 08/09/14 06:14 PM
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 116
G
garak77 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 116
I am open to exposure to wife's family.
However please allow me to be clear.
Before I knew about MB my wife already told them.
Before I was sure about the A, my wife's sister talked to me on Skype and was crying. She eluded to her affair but would not come out and tell me.
(This was hard for me because her English is very broker, it's hard to understand each other. .... And it was obviously a tough subject for me)

So my question is, should I expose even though they already know?

garak77 #2814136 08/09/14 09:51 PM
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
Originally Posted by gmsisko1
I am open to exposure to wife's family.
However please allow me to be clear.
Before I knew about MB my wife already told them.
Before I was sure about the A, my wife's sister talked to me on Skype and was crying. She eluded to her affair but would not come out and tell me.
(This was hard for me because her English is very broker, it's hard to understand each other. .... And it was obviously a tough subject for me)

So my question is, should I expose even though they already know?

You cannot assume that they know the FACTS.
They may know something; it doesnt mean they know the FACTS!

garak77 #2814150 08/10/14 07:10 AM
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
I
Member
Offline
Member
I
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
Originally Posted by gmsisko1
I am open to exposure to wife's family.
However please allow me to be clear.
Before I knew about MB my wife already told them.
Before I was sure about the A, my wife's sister talked to me on Skype and was crying. She eluded to her affair but would not come out and tell me.
(This was hard for me because her English is very broker, it's hard to understand each other. .... And it was obviously a tough subject for me)

So my question is, should I expose even though they already know?


Exposure is a request for help in saving the marriage and showing everyone how loving you are. How can they know that if you haven't told them?



What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

indiegirl #2815586 08/19/14 03:01 AM
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 116
G
garak77 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 116
More Problems:
I called in sick from work, (still on nights, trying to find day job that will pay the bills)
I pretended to go into work then came home about 40 minutes later.
I saw the OM's car parked around the corner in our neighborhood.
(I know it was him because it was his civic with his Alabama tag.... I live in the great state of Georgia)
Oh lord, I was LIVID. (I was not armed at the time.... I am now though)
I came in the front door to a dark house. I was yelling the OM's name. Wife came to me and she was fully dressed with bra on and everything. She told me he came by and she told him to leave and that's all that happened.(she told me she spoke to him through the back door) ..... Lord I hope her story is true.
I can say I have been watching her phone and emails like a hawk, and no faul play that I know of.
Lord it would kill me to find out the A is still on, but I still want the truth. Please if any of you pray please pray that I find the truth. I might have to go the polly route.
I wonder if I can get a restraining order on the OM?
I did call his wife and tell her what I know. As far as she knows my W and OM have not been talking.
I was really doing better in recovery. This hurts bad!

garak77 #2815600 08/19/14 07:28 AM
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
Originally Posted by gmsisko1
More Problems:
I called in sick from work, (still on nights, trying to find day job that will pay the bills)
I pretended to go into work then came home about 40 minutes later.
I saw the OM's car parked around the corner in our neighborhood.
(I know it was him because it was his civic with his Alabama tag.... I live in the great state of Georgia)
Oh lord, I was LIVID. (I was not armed at the time.... I am now though)
I came in the front door to a dark house. I was yelling the OM's name. Wife came to me and she was fully dressed with bra on and everything. She told me he came by and she told him to leave and that's all that happened.(she told me she spoke to him through the back door) ..... Lord I hope her story is true.
I can say I have been watching her phone and emails like a hawk, and no faul play that I know of.
Lord it would kill me to find out the A is still on, but I still want the truth. Please if any of you pray please pray that I find the truth. I might have to go the polly route.
I wonder if I can get a restraining order on the OM?
I did call his wife and tell her what I know. As far as she knows my W and OM have not been talking.
I was really doing better in recovery. This hurts bad!


Sir, you have been advised to get a polygraph like most posters are advised to do.
But you have chosen not to.

Do not confront the OM with a gun. You will only get yourself in trouble with the law.

garak77 #2815601 08/19/14 07:30 AM
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 1,433
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 1,433
Originally Posted by gmsisko1
More Problems:
I called in sick from work, (still on nights, trying to find day job that will pay the bills)
I pretended to go into work then came home about 40 minutes later.
I saw the OM's car parked around the corner in our neighborhood.
(I know it was him because it was his civic with his Alabama tag.... I live in the great state of Georgia)
Oh lord, I was LIVID. (I was not armed at the time.... I am now though)
I came in the front door to a dark house. I was yelling the OM's name. Wife came to me and she was fully dressed with bra on and everything. She told me he came by and she told him to leave and that's all that happened.(she told me she spoke to him through the back door) ..... Lord I hope her story is true.
I can say I have been watching her phone and emails like a hawk, and no faul play that I know of.
Lord it would kill me to find out the A is still on, but I still want the truth. Please if any of you pray please pray that I find the truth. I might have to go the polly route.
I wonder if I can get a restraining order on the OM?
I did call his wife and tell her what I know. As far as she knows my W and OM have not been talking.
I was really doing better in recovery. This hurts bad!
I hope you are just kidding about being armed, because fighting an affair requires control and discipline. Running around armed in a compromised mental state is just the opposite. Use your brain and put the weapon away.


me-65
wife-61
married for 40 years
DS - 38, autistic, lives at home
DD - 37, married and on her own
DS - 32, still living with us
Jedi_Knight #2815602 08/19/14 07:30 AM
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
I doubt your wife's story is true.
He's probably parked around the corner so the neighbor's wont be suspicious.

Did you post OM on www.cheaterville.com?
Was this fully exposed to all family and friends?

mrEureka #2815607 08/19/14 08:19 AM
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 116
G
garak77 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 116
Originally Posted by mrEureka
Originally Posted by gmsisko1
More Problems:
I called in sick from work, (still on nights, trying to find day job that will pay the bills)
I pretended to go into work then came home about 40 minutes later.
I saw the OM's car parked around the corner in our neighborhood.
(I know it was him because it was his civic with his Alabama tag.... I live in the great state of Georgia)
Oh lord, I was LIVID. (I was not armed at the time.... I am now though)
I came in the front door to a dark house. I was yelling the OM's name. Wife came to me and she was fully dressed with bra on and everything. She told me he came by and she told him to leave and that's all that happened.(she told me she spoke to him through the back door) ..... Lord I hope her story is true.
I can say I have been watching her phone and emails like a hawk, and no faul play that I know of.
Lord it would kill me to find out the A is still on, but I still want the truth. Please if any of you pray please pray that I find the truth. I might have to go the polly route.
I wonder if I can get a restraining order on the OM?
I did call his wife and tell her what I know. As far as she knows my W and OM have not been talking.
I was really doing better in recovery. This hurts bad!
I hope you are just kidding about being armed, because fighting an affair requires control and discipline. Running around armed in a compromised mental state is just the opposite. Use your brain and put the weapon away.

Don't worry,
The weapon is in the safe where it will stay. Thank you. You are correct.

Jedi_Knight #2815609 08/19/14 08:28 AM
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 116
G
garak77 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 116
Originally Posted by Jedi_Knight
I doubt your wife's story is true.
He's probably parked around the corner so the neighbor's wont be suspicious.

Did you post OM on www.cheaterville.com?
Was this fully exposed to all family and friends?

I'm not sure if he was fully exposed or not. I know nothing but his name and cell phone number.
He is not on cheaterville. I do not have his picture.
I don't know if I am mentally equipped to deal with this.
What do I do if my wife refuses to take the Polly?
She says she wants me to take a Polly to be sure I'm not talking to my mother.
(The fact that my mother called defax comes into play)
..... I her saying that is just a form of minupliatuin.

Is it possible that OM came over and wanted to talk but she didn't let him in?
Should I continue to try to plan a my wife?
Should implant a var?

garak77 #2815612 08/19/14 08:36 AM
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
Originally Posted by gmsisko1
Originally Posted by Jedi_Knight
I doubt your wife's story is true.
He's probably parked around the corner so the neighbor's wont be suspicious.

Did you post OM on www.cheaterville.com?
Was this fully exposed to all family and friends?

I'm not sure if he was fully exposed or not. I know nothing but his name and cell phone number.

He is not on cheaterville. I do not have his picture.
I don't know if I am mentally equipped to deal with this.
What do I do if my wife refuses to take the Polly?
She says she wants me to take a Polly to be sure I'm not talking to my mother.
(The fact that my mother called defax comes into play)
..... I her saying that is just a form of minupliatuin.

Is it possible that OM came over and wanted to talk but she didn't let him in?
Should I continue to try to plan a my wife?
Should implant a var?


Sir, that is why posters have been telling you to expose the OM to his family and friends. Place his picture on www.cheaterville.com and spread the word wide and far.

Is it possible he just stopped by to have coffee with your wife and discuss the flowers and weather? Yes, it's possible.

It's much more likely that he came by to do some other things with your wife though.

As for you taking a polygraph because your wife demands it....that is a joke. If you don't believe me, just go to a local donut shop where retirees are and tell 10 men in there that your wife is having an affair, you saw his car parked around the corner of your house...and she said she didnt let him through the "back door" (I assume he avoided the front door so the neighbors wouldnt see them and tell you).

Then ask these 10 strangers if : (1) she should take a polygraph or (2) you should take one because she thinks you are talking to your mom.

I guarantee you that anyone looking at this situation would tell you that she is gaslighting you.

In fact, that should be your task today: watch the movie Gaslight

MelodyLane #2815614 08/19/14 08:40 AM
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
"Tonight I came home early from work, partly because I still feel uneasy when I am at work. (I work overnights) I found the house just the way it is supposed to be. (My 4 year old asleep wife about to fall asleep. "

This is one of the biggest problems in your marriage. Working overnights has been a disaster in your marriage. Do you not see this?

Sir, you've been told you cant work nights. That's why he's coming to your house...because you are gone

Jedi_Knight #2815616 08/19/14 08:42 AM
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
Originally Posted by Jedi_Knight
I would post all of the OM on www.cheaterville.com ;
be honest and tell your story.

2 months ago, you were advised to post OM on Cheaterville.
The same week you were advised to have your wife take a poly.

It seems that the same advice is given over and over.
I suggest you start reading your thread from the beginning and follow the steps in there.

Jedi_Knight #2815666 08/19/14 02:17 PM
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 116
G
garak77 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 116
Should I continue plan a? Should I plant a var?

garak77 #2815695 08/19/14 05:34 PM
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 116
G
garak77 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 116
I am trying to find a day job that pays the bills. I only have HS education, so it would be hard to replace my income quickly with a new job.

Any suggestions on a good model number for a VAR?
I checked best buy, but none of the ones I saw said they were voice activated.

Question about cheaterville.........
If I put him up can he have it taken down?
I am a little afraid that he might try to have me locked up like what happened to one guy on MB.
Please don't get mad at me, I'm trying my best o make the right decisions.
The house was dark when I busted in, (came in real fast)
Wife was fully and I mean fully dressed.
I was only gone 40 minutes.

Page 5 of 10 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 9 10

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,116 guests, and 67 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5