In most affairs, the BS is misrepresented by the to the AP as someone who doesn't really care about the WS. By sending a copy of the letter to the AP, you are making certain that she knows the truth. It is much harder on the affair that way.

Yup...

many OW are lead to believe the BW didn't and doesn't really care that much about WH or the affair. That once things calm down the BW (and kids) will just accept it and do what's best for the children.

The letter also serves to -----

Give notice to OW that the competition for WH isn't over. She hasn't "won" yet and she better keep stepping up her game to keep him or he'll abandon her (as he is obviously prone to do) and go back to his wife anytime.

There is nothing an OW likes more than a BW that's given up and said "OW can have him". By saying you still want him and are willing to wait for a while means you remain a large and constant threat to their relationship. Such threat breads insecurity in the OW and she'll need and want constant reassurance that her WH isn't thinking or considering going back "home". As long as the affair was going on OW has been competing with you. It's frustrating to her to realize after she thought she got her man that she STILL has to compete with you for him. Essentially the letter confirms your interest and maintains your threat against their relationship.

It also isolates WH and assists you in Plan B. It puts OW on your side keeping WH away from you. OW doesn't want him anywhere near you because she fears you'll steal WH back. WH's don't end up like being "controlled" too much. Most were just complaining about being "controlled" by their BW so having OW control them feels like they jumped out of the frying pan into the pot.

Patty, have you separated from your husband? You have to separate FIRST before you send the Plan B letter. Did you set up an intermediary? Did you make arrangements for the separation?

Here is a guide: here

Here's your show. Radio Clip of PattyB's show

Plan N was a typo. It was supposed to be Plan B. My bad.

I left on Sunday after he went to go see the OW. He got letter, based on Dr. H's letter and used most of the language he used. He can only contact me through his father. I emailed a PDF copy of the letter to OW to her work email address today. I have left town and am with friends. Have not heard from him at all. So three days in and I feel miserable. Doing everything I can to not contact him. I informed his friends but they do not want to become involved. I guess we'll see what happens in the next three weeks. And to be clear, I should not contact him unless he contacts me first, correct?

Mrs. Wondering:
Thank you for your input. I feel worries because I left him due to health adfexta. This gives OW opportunity to get closer whole I am out of sight. What is your opinion?

The vast majority of affairs eventually burn themselves out. Maybe this one will, maybe it will not. But it is far better to pull away to protect yourself and see how things go than it is to suffer the devastating health effects we have seen from the prolonged trauma of an affair.

Obvious either alternative is not what you want to be choosing, but of the two bad options for a bad situation, Plan B is clearly the best. If and when the affair does end (either from your husband waking up and having an enlightenment experience and ending the affair the "right way," or through the affair eventually burning out and devolving into fighting and ending the "wrong way") then you will still be able to recover. But if your health suffers and you go through the continued abuse, you will be in no shape for recovery at all!

In the meantime, start taking good care of yourself, and start reading/listening to some of Dr. Harley's other material to help you get more perspective on what all is going to happen. Here's an article in Dr. Harley's Q&A columns about the two ways affairs end:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html

Have you exposed the affair? Do you own the book Surviving an Affair? (I assume it's being sent to you if you were on the radio show.)

No you should have made sure he cannot contact you even if he were determined to. Change your number and email and be prepared to throw away letters unread.

Please remember a WS is not just addicted to OW but to having you both. While you remain available you remain an option he can wander back to at any time. Changing contact details makes them quite desperate to reach you and maintain that option. Many a WH has gone to great lengths to keep his wife in the triangle. This will quickly destroy your sanity.

It will also help your Plan B if you know he CANT contact you, not that he can and simply isn't. You should know nothing about his mindset during this time so you can focus on yourself. Plan B is all about you.

It is also perfectly normal to feel utterly miserable at this early stage. It gets better every day though .

What is it you are hoping will happen in three weeks?

You also need a proper intermediary who has read the training thread: his father isn't suitable. The IM should be neutral in tone when speaking to him and an ally of your choosing.

The IM should spam filter any messages of a personal nature. It should be business only until he tells the IM he is willing to end the affair and follow a program of recovery.

Until you get that message, he doesn't exist in your Plan B castle.

Thank you. I have exposed the affair. He has new friends now and is not talking to his old friends. I am in Day 2 of separation. At friend's house being cared for and nurtured. Trying to distract myself and keep myself from calling him for at least three weeks. Right?

Plan B can last for up to two years. 95 per cent of affairs die a natural death in that timescale and most importantly of all, you will not hate your husband or have suffered a nervous breakdown in that time. Dr H advises filing for a D at the two year point as recovery is unlikely after that stage.

I filed six months in because I was feeling so over it all. However I stuck to Plan B because contact with an unrepentant adulterer is devastating even for those of us who are happy and moved on.

I'm not sure why you think you can call him in a few weeks. By the time a few weeks have passed you will feel much better and calling him will put you back to day one.

Friends are good! Good Plan Bing. However what is the long term living situation?

That is correct. You should not contact him. Do you have a place to live permanently? Did you move all your things out?

Correct me if I am wrong, but isn't he also an alcoholic?

Patty, you know I've reviewed your first post on your other thread and I'm not sure what you are trying to save here. You don't have kids, you'd be better off financially without him and he isn't even nice to you. You can do better.

It's more than just the affair, or an accidental stumble into an affair. He's been nasty to you about your dancing so he is free to pursue an independent lifestyle without you present. He walked you off the dance floor to gaslight you. Good men don't behave like that towards women.

The bottom line is he is, and has always been, piss-poor marriage material.

I don't see what is so all fired sexy about a man who is so petulant and uncaring. I also guarantee you that beyond the flash he isn't a good dancer. He couldn't get the stick out of his backside long enough to dance well. Good dancers are happy and kind people who experience joy when they dance.

Give him the Plan B letter by all means but make sure he knows he has to agree to stop drinking and follow a plan for recovery. The party's over.

In the meantime you have to create a life for yourself where you are not sitting around waiting for him. You cannot control what he does but you can control yourself.

Indiegirl, you are such an amazing blessing for all of us here on MB. Thank you for being here.

Patty, after reading Indie's post, I also went back and read your first post here. Indie is spot on, this is more than just the affair�it seems as if this man has never been a "buyer" in your relationship.

Good for you for going into Plan B, Patty. Stick with this program and take this time to learn as much about healthy relationships as you can.

You have been doing all of this work to help your marriage, but YOU cannot change yourself to fix him, do you see? Your husband has a lot of work to do before HE will be worthy of YOU! Here is a really good thread to learn about what it takes from both people to have a good marriage: Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders

Hi Melody,

First of all, I was surprised that it went on the radio. I had already read the SAA book and was in the process of implementing Plan A. I had planned to leave on Aug 29. However, when Dr. Harley said I had to "get out NOW", I acted on his advice and although I feel miserable, I feel much better that I don't have to keep taking the rejection and feeling the constant anxiety. I left Maryland and am staying with a friend in South Carolina. As I have no job, I am not sure where I am going to land.

I am also doing everything I can to not call or text him. I feel like I did everything the wrong way in terms of implementing Plan A and Plan B (even with your advice); but whatever will happen will happen. I realize that we can never be together while in Maryland; and if we have any chance at all, we will have to move to our Florida home - which was the whole game plan for our lives. I feel badly that I could not meet his emotional needs and that I had been using Love Busters without knowing it.

Anyway, thanks for being t/here. Day 3 and still feeling yukky.

Threads merged. Please stick to one thread.

PattyB,

Do you think your WH has ever been a buyer?