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garak77 #2816608 08/23/14 04:14 PM
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Have you read the Sue and Jon story in SAA yet? Did you ever get some ADs?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



BrainHurts #2816617 08/23/14 04:56 PM
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I have read their story. I am on p.208 of the book. (iPad version)
I have not gotten ADs. I am weary of medicine. I don't like the way medicine makes me feel.
I admit I am depressed at times. But I don't think it is anywhere near severe.
Would I need to see a shrink to get ADs?
Should I tell my W if I feel depressed?

Last edited by garak77; 08/23/14 04:59 PM.
garak77 #2816619 08/23/14 04:58 PM
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Originally Posted by garak77
I have read their story. I am on p.208 of the book. (iPad version)
I have not gotten ADs. I am weary of medicine. I don't like the way medicine makes me feel.
I admit I am depressed at times. But I don't think it is anywhere near severe.
Would I need to see a shrink to get ADs?
No, you can get them from your doctor. Dr. Harley strongly recommends them during this time. They don't need to be long term just until you get through this rough time.

Do you exercise?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



BrainHurts #2816623 08/23/14 05:04 PM
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Exercise is a good way to deal with the negativity and the despair. The work and rhythm of exercise helps channel positive energy, and the endorphins provide a natural high that really moderates the depression. Many of us took that route.

A six pack from exercise is better medicine than a six pack from the liquor store. :-)

BrainHurts #2816624 08/23/14 05:04 PM
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My job is very active.
I average 350 transactions per night, and I have to get a lot of cleaning and stuff done.
I sweat and walk fast and even run a lot at work.
I do jot exercise much at home though.

Justthe3ofus #2816636 08/23/14 05:32 PM
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Originally Posted by Justthe3ofus
Exercise is a good way to deal with the negativity and the despair. The work and rhythm of exercise helps channel positive energy, and the endorphins provide a natural high that really moderates the depression. Many of us took that route.

A six pack from exercise is better medicine than a six pack from the liquor store. :-)

Very true.
Also spending time with my wife and son helps me.
My W has been doing positive things too. My wife is a runner. She won't 2nd place in a pretty big race here. I can beat her in a sprint, but she would leave me in dust in a long run.
She is from Brazil, before I met her she was an English instructor. (In Brazil at the ages of 17 and 18..... we were marked who she was 18 ..... She is now 29)
He has been teaching people English over Skype. (All of her students are female)
As of now she does not get paid for it, but she likes doing it.
I get angry at her in my mind, but then I remind myself that I love her.

garak77 #2816637 08/23/14 05:34 PM
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Will she write a NC Letter to OM?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



BrainHurts #2816655 08/23/14 06:50 PM
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She already told him to leave her alone.
She says she doesn't want to think about him or write a letter or anything.
I have been watching her email, phone, Facebook, and implanted vars.
As best I can tell there has been no contact.

garak77 #2816657 08/23/14 06:57 PM
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Originally Posted by garak77
She already told him to leave her alone.
She says she doesn't want to think about him or write a letter or anything.
I have been watching her email, phone, Facebook, and implanted vars.
As best I can tell there has been no contact.
Okay, but you tell her writing to NC is the first step to prove the affair is over. If she refuses then this is a red flag.

She writes it and you send it.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



BrainHurts #2816658 08/23/14 06:59 PM
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She can copy the template from SAA.

[from SAA, pg 58]

OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely, XXXXX


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



BrainHurts #2817533 08/28/14 08:02 PM
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garak77 Offline OP
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Thank you Brainhurts.
She says she doesn't want to do a NC letter. She says she has had NC and does t want to contact him even with a NC letter.
I suppose I can't force her to do anything.

Update.
Things seem to be going pretty well. The VARs turn up nothing but innocent conversation between my W and son, and a lot of her listening to music. (Most of witch I kind of like however I would not buy most of it myself)

We have been spending a lot of time together. When I can't be with her, she spends her time teaching people English. (No men!)

garak77 #2817535 08/28/14 08:05 PM
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Question:

On D day my wife threatened to leave with my son and live with OM.
(She never left)
Is it legal for her to take my son and live away from me?
What could I do to stop this? (Not an issue now, don't think it will be an issue, but I want to be prepared)

garak77 #2817568 08/28/14 11:04 PM
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Originally Posted by garak77
Thank you Brainhurts.
She says she doesn't want to do a NC letter. She says she has had NC and does t want to contact him even with a NC letter.
I suppose I can't force her to do anything.

No, you cant force her to do anything and really cant demand that she write the NC letter.
I would phrase it something like: "I would feel safer remaining in this marriage if you joined me in a program of recovery"

garak77 #2817569 08/28/14 11:08 PM
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Originally Posted by garak77
Question:

On D day my wife threatened to leave with my son and live with OM.
(She never left)
Is it legal for her to take my son and live away from me?

What could I do to stop this? (Not an issue now, don't think it will be an issue, but I want to be prepared)

Ask an attorney.
My wife jokingly threatened the same thing to me in divorce mediation.

If I were you, I would Plan A for 6 months and if she is still reluctant to join you in recovery then file for divorce and legal custody of the child.

As I recall, OM was at your home a week ago? I don;t consider this affair over and think she is just gaslighting you.

Jedi_Knight #2817574 08/29/14 06:41 AM
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garak77 Offline OP
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Well,
I have no evidence that OM was inside the house.
I have been using VARs for a week and found nothing bad.
I think if she were contacting OM the vars would turn it up.
Also, I have had friends drive by when I am not home and no sign of OM.
If I have another sign of OM I will expose to the neighbors. So I can get some
More eyes on this place.
(She would hate me for that though)

Last edited by garak77; 08/29/14 06:45 AM.
garak77 #2817575 08/29/14 07:27 AM
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You need to get another job.
This is a loosing battle when you work night and she sleeps them.

Jedi_Knight #2817610 08/29/14 12:50 PM
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garak77 Offline OP
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Been applying and looking for a new day job.
My job pays well, so it's hard to replace the income.
I'd even take a 10% pay cut but be even that is hard to find.
I will day, this job allows me to spend 4 hours each morning with my W while my son is in school.
If I worked days, I would be working during those hours.

garak77 #2817628 08/29/14 02:55 PM
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I'm afraid that you risk losing far more than 10% when having to support two households, while your life is having a relationship with another man. You may want to take the cost of divorce, child support and spousal support into consideration, as well as the hassles like having to deal with child visitation.
Oh, and let's not forget, your wife might want to try cosleeping with your child in the room while having sex with the other man again.

Your argument, that you have 4 hours with your wife in the morning, is absolutely ridiculous. After having worked the night shift, and being utterly tired, those hours are never going to result in love bank deposits, dates and the like.

You are not going to turn this situation around by just labeling the same behaviour differently, calling it quality time. Your work is one of the conditions that have made this affair possible. And although we all feel for you, and understand that a pay cut is a sacrifice, I am sure you will be able to find creative ways to save money. But you cannot save your marriage on weekends only.


me, DH
all the children
happyheart #2817637 08/29/14 03:33 PM
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garak77 Offline OP
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Point well taken happyheart.
There is no evidence of my wife having sex with anyone while my son was in the same room.

garak77 #2817640 08/29/14 03:42 PM
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Originally Posted by garak77
Point well taken happyheart.
There is no evidence of my wife having sex with anyone while my son was in the same room.

Originally Posted by happyheart
Oh, and let's not forget, your wife might want to try cosleeping with your child in the room while having sex with the other man again.

I read what happyheart wrote as, if she starts having sex with OM that she'll start sleeping in your son's bed as a way of her "staying faithful" to her OM. Not that she was having sex with OM while in your son's bed.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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