Would love some clarity regarding work and marriage. I am curious about Point of Joint Agreement and the application of it in the workplace with a spouse.

Is applicable? What are the suggested guidelines/rules applying it?

Hi EnglishRose! Welcome to Marriage Builders. The POJA applies to everything in life. Anything that comes before the marriage eventually comes between the marriage.

Thank you, MelodyLane,

This is what I thought and how I feel. I am all about nurturing and protecting our marriage, we have been married 27 years.

My husband has been with his present company for seven years, he left his former company after 20+ years. His company is seeking to hire a couple new employees. A former female employee applied and has been awarded the position, she is excellent in her field and would be an asset to my husband and his company. When my husband worked with her years ago she was happily married raising teenage kids. She has since divorced and currently has a boyfriend, is planning to move in with him.

After hearing the news that she is now divorced, I had a sudden sinking feeling. I am fairly well read on Marriage Builders. They have never given me cause to worry in the past, but they do work well together and have a work history.

We have discussed the situation and he knows how I feel.

*work history meaning years working together.

It sounds like something about her bothers you. What bothers you about her?

How are his boundaries?

It is hard to articulate what bothers me, just a gut feeling. From what I remember, she is a very nice lady. At the time, she had a very strong marriage, second marriage for both with four children between them. I know she respects my husband greatly and worked well with him in the past.

BrainHurts, I believe my husband does have strong boundaries. We have discussed and tightened up boundaries over the years. Mainly, when cell phones, email, and text messaging entered the work place.

I not sure why I am so uncomfortable, maybe because she has been divorced again since working with my husband.

Do you have access to his emails, phone, and other technology? That would be a good start.

Also, if he feels any attraction toward any woman he is working with, he needs to be honest and open and tell you about it. Then he would need to avoid seeing that person. Does he practice that degree of honesty with you?

Is he able to avoid discussing personal topics with members of the opposite sex?

One thing you can do that will help the situation is to start quietly snooping on him. My red flags were raised when you posted about the fact that they worked together in the past and she came to his current company. Did he get her hired there? The first thing that came to my mind was "long term affair."

Snooping will do one of two things: it will either alleviate your fears or confirm them, which is preferable to not knowing.

Do they go on out of town business trips together?

Did you have a gut feeling about this woman when they first worked together? Your comments about her come across to me as you trying to rationalize yourself out of your own guy instinct. I am a firm believer in believing your gut instinct.

We are ALL firm believers in "gut instincts" because they are almost always right.

Also, some if what you say seems like your H is too personal with her. For instance, my H works with women and of course from our conversations about work I know who he respects professionally and who he doesn't. But I don't know who is married, what marriage it is, how many kids they have, or what the state of their marriage is. I would assume his female coworkers do not know the state of our marriage either, as discussing that would be a poor boundary.

How do you know all of these things, from your H?

Thank you to all for your responses. I will try and address all questions.

I am capable of getting access to his work phone, he does tell me his passwords. He leaves his phone in his car at night, something he has done since first receiving a work phone back in the day. I will quietly keep an eye on things by checking his calls and messages. I am not ashamed or naive not to snoop.

There has never has been any out of town travel nor will there be any future out of town with this woman. They will not be working in the same office, she will be completely across town. They will be in daily/weekly communication.

My past feelings about this woman was she was friendly and seemed very happily married. I have learned a great deal about marriage and work boundaries since that time, thanks to this program and board.

My husband updated me on her current situation. They spoke on the phone after she directly contacted him at work regarding the position available.

Yes, I know. Red flag. Just trying to process the entire situation and figure things out. We have discussed the situation and he knows my feelings.

Thanks ER. I think you will feel much better if you snoop on him. That will help you relax - or if there is a problem, you will be able to resolve it quickly. I would try and get that work cell phone and install some spyware on it. Here is a good program others have used: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2805367#Post2805367

MelodyLane,

His phone and computer are both work issued, not sure I can put spyware on it. What are your thoughts?

Yes, I need and will to snoop for my own sanity. I am also a strong believer in gut feelings, thank you for your support.

I would put the spyware on his work devices. Have you at least gone out to his vehicle and looked at his phone (without him knowing)?

I would do it if you can get it on there.

My H also has work-issued email, but he sent me the URL and I can log into it anytime I have the notion. Can you find out if you can do this? You should also be able to check his work phone at any time as well.

Thank you for the link, MelodyLane. I am looking into it. One concern, I know he does not have the iCloud feature on this phone, or at least not activated. Not sure if that is absolutely necessary? Still researching the spyware. Honestly, makes me shake in my boots a bit due to it being a work issued phone. Could this possibly be considered unlawful due to unauthorized access to company work emails? They have very tight security and confidentiality stamps on all emails. I have no problem with text messages and phone records. Could someone kindly clarify my concerns regarding company emails, thank you!

BrainHurts, I have tried but have been unsuccessful to sneak away to check his phone. He parks outside in front of the house making it a bit tricky. I have known of this situation for two days, my only opportunity to check his phone is when he is in the shower. I was still a bit taken back the first morning and missed the opportunity. Struck out this morning, but not due to trying! If it wasn't such a serious situation, it would have been comical. Running out in my pj's with keys in my hand, rounding the corner of the house only to see a subcontractor we hired dropping off landscaping materials right next to his suv, I turned right around and ran back inside. I will get that phone.

LongWayFrom Home, Do you mean ask him upfront for access now at this point in time? He has always been open and upfront with passwords, I use his phone while we are out together, but I have never directly asked to check his emails, etc...

ER, you will have to consider the risks, but for me personally, I consider an AFFAIR a bigger risk than running amok of some company. I never hesitated for 2 seconds to slap spyware on my husbands company issued phone and laptop. My H's company is a huge international oil company that also has very high security.

As far as getting his phone, why don't you just snag it and keep it with you all day? Then you can put it back in his car a couple of days later and slide it deep under a car seat.


The only bad thing about asking up front is that if he is having an affair you will never find out this way. If you have access to all of that, he will just find another way if he wants to hide something. I agree everything should be transparent, but if you are suspicious, you won't get anywhere with this tactic..