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She keeps telling him she is going to walk away, but then doesn't.

Do you think if I could find a way to contact her to tell her to stay away, she actually would?

Personally, it seems that she likes to mess with my husbands head. Keep him constantly in turmoil.

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Originally Posted By: dfh88
He met her through a facebook poetry page. She apparently has a love of poetry and poets. My husband is the 4th or 5th that has "fallen in love" with her...by his own admission the other night. The first glimmer that he may be seeing something negative about her...wondering if she could indeed be playing some sort of game since this always seems to happen with poets.


Waywards do not think with any logic. Don't expect the fact that other men have fallen in love with her will change how he feels about her. Don't try to reason or understand what waywards think. It's all foggy.

The kindest thing you can do for your H, before he destroys his marriage and his relationships with you and his children, is to kill the affair.


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Originally Posted By: dfh88
Ok, so here is the issue...

my husband is a pastor.

we live in a parsonage.

with exposure could very well come a job termination and then total loss of income, housing, etc.


God still loves your husband, but this can't go on.
God can use this for good believe it or not.
God loves you but the way.
Jeremiah 29:11

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Originally Posted By: dfh88
She keeps telling him she is going to walk away, but then doesn't.

Do you think if I could find a way to contact her to tell her to stay away, she actually would?

Personally, it seems that she likes to mess with my husbands head. Keep him constantly in turmoil.


No, it is unlikely she will stay away. But it will tell her that you are no longer going to be an accomplice to this affair, and that you are going to fight for your marriage and family.

It doesn't matter what she tells him, or what her intention is. She is a skank who is trying to steal your husband! That is all you need to know and act on.

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With all due respect Dfh

There is no way anyone should allow their husband to stay in any way shape or form in contact with a woman who he confessed to be falling in love with.

That's just inviting trouble!!

Your WH is addicted to the love feeling he is having towards this trashy home wrecker the same way an alcoholic is addicted to alcohol. You wouldn't let an alcoholic near a bar and trust he won't be drinking. So why would you ever agree to any contact with this woman?

It almost sends a message to your WH that you are complacent about your marriage and you don't care about him enough to fight for it by allowing him to continue down this road. Many wayward spouses eventually thank the BS for fighting for them and helping them get out of a bad mistake they are making by having an affair.

Who cares if the OW thinks your controlling, you are giving her FAR too much power over your marriage, she's a stranger on the Internet and nothing more, no one cares what she thinks.

Expose the Affair, help your husband through this so he can become the faithful and loving husband you married once again and help your kids by keeping your family together,

The more your letting your WH get away with his distructive choices and freezing in fear of the consequences of him facing his actions the less chance you have of keeping your family together.

You have a golden opportunity while he is away to expose, kill this affair and get your house in order.

I would highly reccomend you expose while he is away because the fact he does not have any contact with her for this week should make it easier for you to ensure a swift end to the affair. She will be going crazy knowing she was exposed yet can't contact him to have a good old whine about it, she will be on her own for a few days having to deal with her own mess and who knows by the time he gets back she may even hate him and not want to talk to him again. Win win and more win.

You will also soon see if he has been truthful and he is not able to contact her while he is away, because if you expose her while he is away and he finds out about it that will mean he has lied to you again.

You don't need his opinion or permission to protect your family, don't let the drunk drive the bus on this one, your kids need you to be strong and pull this off for their sake as their father has proven to be a weak enough person that he allowed himself to enter into an emotional relationship with another woman while married.

Please stop saying he needs friend! He's not a child and your not his mother, he's an adult and should be able to make friends that compliment his marriage all on his own he does not need you to worry about him making friend. After all he is away with 4 friends right now isn't he?


BW 36(Me)
WS 38
Married: 2000
DD1November 22 2008 - DD2 October 2014
PA Duration September 08 - November 08
Second discovery- 6 online affairs 4 sexual one emotional. October 2014.kids: DS 17, DS 14, DS 12, DS 10 . Baby after divorce DS 18months

Divorced

Was misled into thinking we were in recovery for 6 years.

If you were shocked reading any of this, that this is the consequence of not following MB to the LETTER.

NB28 #2820905 09/23/14 07:40 PM
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dfh88 Offline OP
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As far as I can tell there is no way to expose her on her end. She has no friends listed on her facebook page. I think everything is set to strict/private. I am starting the process on this end...

Any other suggestions?

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Originally Posted By: dfh88
As far as I can tell there is no way to expose her on her end. She has no friends listed on her facebook page. I think everything is set to strict/private. I am starting the process on this end...

Any other suggestions?


If you have your H's FB password, you can log in as your husband and locate the OW on his friend's list, then copy her FB friends onto a word document.

MelodyLane's Exposure 101 thread has a lot of great ideas on exposure.


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Originally Posted By: dfh88
As far as I can tell there is no way to expose her on her end. She has no friends listed on her facebook page. I think everything is set to strict/private. I am starting the process on this end...

Any other suggestions?


Have you read through the exposure thread yet?

You can find out LOADS of information on the internet. Start with using your H's Facebook account, if she has you blocked from information that does not mean she has her friends blocked. Copy and paste her friends list. Look at any pics she is in, see if there are friends or relatives tagged in those pics. See what friends and family post on her wall.

If Facebook and internet searches fail, can you hire a PI to get more information about her? Since she is an anonymous person on the internet, it is very possible that everything she has told your H is a lie. She could be married for all you know, in which case her H could be your greatest exposure target.

You want to expose swiftly and all at once, you do not want to 'trickle' expose meaning, a little here, a little there. Exposure is most effective when done all at once. You also want to do this without informing anyone you are going to.

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Originally Posted By: dfh88
The sad part is, I don't know if he believes that is possible...and right now I don't know if I believe it either. I want to fight, but feel so beaten down right now I am having trouble functioning.


I feel so much like you. My WH says affair is over but that our marriage was broken way before he ever had the affair. He is refusing to work on our marriage.

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It is typical for wayward to make these kinds of comments. They will often re-write the marital history to justify an affair.

AM


BW - 65
WH - 60
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
DD - 44, DS - 30, DS - 23
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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Originally Posted By: dfh88
As far as I can tell there is no way to expose her on her end. She has no friends listed on her facebook page. I think everything is set to strict/private. I am starting the process on this end...

Any other suggestions?

Do you have her name? You can search for her online.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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dfh88 Offline OP
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I do have a name and a google search does not turn up much. From what my husband has told me, she is a very private person and doesn't let much info out. She is an attorney in her country and takes care to cover her tracks. She is also pretty paranoid that I am tracking what is happening online. That is probably why she blocked mine and my oldest childs facebook pages even though we were not friends with her. The other piece is that she is incredibly wealthy (if she was telling my husband the truth) and I'm guessing that is helping to keep her more "invisible" - homes in gated communities all over the world, etc. And can I just say how happy I am that my husband does not have a passport?!?!?

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Originally Posted By: BrainHurts
Originally Posted By: dfh88
As far as I can tell there is no way to expose her on her end. She has no friends listed on her facebook page. I think everything is set to strict/private. I am starting the process on this end...

Any other suggestions?

Do you have her name? You can search for her online.


I suggest you post her online at www.cheaterville.com

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Originally Posted By: dfh88
I do have a name and a google search does not turn up much. From what my husband has told me, she is a very private person and doesn't let much info out. She is an attorney in her country and takes care to cover her tracks. She is also pretty paranoid that I am tracking what is happening online. That is probably why she blocked mine and my oldest childs facebook pages even though we were not friends with her. The other piece is that she is incredibly wealthy (if she was telling my husband the truth) and I'm guessing that is helping to keep her more "invisible" - homes in gated communities all over the world, etc. And can I just say how happy I am that my husband does not have a passport?!?!?


You only have your husband's and by extension her word that she is single. She either is married or is doing other things that she does not want her employer to know. One thing for certain about cheaters is that they lie about many things. Don't assume things your husband has told you are true.

Where are you with exposure? Now seems like a perfect time to tell the rest of your family and church leadership.

AM


BW - 65
WH - 60
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
DD - 44, DS - 30, DS - 23
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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I have talked with my kids about what is going to be happening. The 3 oldest know about the situation because I told them right after I found out.

Had a meeting with one of the women in church leadership and we will be meeting with the board president as soon as we can figure out a time. She has been a great support for me.

I also made direct contact with the one person I know my husband told. He is also very supportive of me and was very direct with my husband (my husband did not really like what he had to say...) but he also said he would be an accountability person for my husband if he meant what he said about wanting to make the marriage work.

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As I was in bed last night thinking, I was wondering if this week would help with the withdrawl things or if all those feelings will start when I tell him he can no longer have contact with her.

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dfh88 Offline OP
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Honestly, I hope he did mean it and will not choose to walk away...I am not the ultimatum issuing kind of person so this is going to be very different for both of us...

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I am grateful that he has had no electronics this week. He has been totally out of communication. I have been checking just to make sure and they are definitely out in the wilderness far enough to not have cell phone coverage.

My only fear is that he will be so anxious to contact her after a week of no communication that he will connect with her before we can have our talk...

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dfh88 Offline OP
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Oh, and the person that my husband told used to be in the military and said he still has a few contacts so he was going to try to do some sleuthing for me about the other woman...

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Originally Posted By: dfh88
.

My only fear is that he will be so anxious to contact her after a week of no communication that he will connect with her before we can have our talk...


I can understand why you would feel this way, what can you do to stop them communicating?? Can you get in contact with the people he is with and expose to them so it would be harder for him to contact her until he gets home?

Where are you with exposing her??? This step is VITAL


BW 36(Me)
WS 38
Married: 2000
DD1November 22 2008 - DD2 October 2014
PA Duration September 08 - November 08
Second discovery- 6 online affairs 4 sexual one emotional. October 2014.kids: DS 17, DS 14, DS 12, DS 10 . Baby after divorce DS 18months

Divorced

Was misled into thinking we were in recovery for 6 years.

If you were shocked reading any of this, that this is the consequence of not following MB to the LETTER.

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