My big D was final 6/30/14. Thanks to Ever2Late as mediator I am in Plan B.

Here's my affair thread:
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2715575&page=1

I would like some advice for how to move on from this point. I'm not sure I necessarily want to go to counseling, I'm sure it would help but in my mind I think I'm doing pretty well.
What I struggle with the most is anger/frustration/sadness.
What a waste of a marriage, family, children's tender hearts, not to mention my own heart, and time, money, etc!
I don't want to carry anger in my heart, I don't feel good with it and I know it would eventually destroy me. I'm trying to rise above it and some days I think I do pretty good. Then the next day I'm spitting mad again and thinking of 101 ways to get revenge.

Do I just need time? What helps the most? - books, counseling, a rebound relationship (just kidding!)?

Time spent in a continuing dark Plan B will help.

You have been through an experience that would have the same effect on anybody. The losses experienced as a result of you xH's selfishness are significant. You will heal in time. You do not owe any free forgiveness to him, and you shouldn't offer it. Accept that these are his choices. Your indignation over them is not a problem that needs correction. It is the natural response of the person who was wronged.

Time, yes.

Counseling & books can help you sort out feelings; in my case, I think both helped shorten the amount of time I needed to grapple with divorce recovery. Talking to others in similar stages of recovery helps as well.

With kids to care for, it might be difficult to carve out time for yourself to process your feelings. I've seen some non-MB references get edited out of posts, so I'm not sure if this will stick, but the book that helped me most was "Crazy Time" by Abigail Trafford.

If you meet someone who expresses interest in you, a rebound relationship could be very tempting; it feels good to have someone attracted to you again. Be very careful if this happens because it may lead to you feeling as if you're more recovered than you really are. Seriously consider counseling if this happens!

I was divorced in 2012 and I feel what helped me recover in a healthy, sane manner was daily listening to Dr. Harley's Radio Show.
The reason is because the Radio Show brought up so many topics relative to my marriage that I was able to assess what Dr. Harley explained and apply it to my situation.
Instead of dwelling on feelings, I found an explanation for why my marriage failed and how I can build a super great marriage in the future.

Definitely listening to the broadcast or rebroadcast will be helpful for your recovery.
Counseling might not help. It might have you spending months in diagnosing things that aren't really useful to healing in the end.
Once officially divorced, sure.....date (but don't stick yourself with another partner right away!).

Take time being alone to think about who you are.

Thank you all so much for your advice!

I was completely kidding about the rebound relationship. I don't plan on dating for at least a year!

My xFIL says that xWH wants me to unblock my phone so we can communicate about the kids. xFIL is not trying to tell me what to do, he was just asking and will support whatever I decide, but is concerned about communication for the long term - am I really going to maintain no contact for life or until all the kids are grown, another 16 years? I stuck with saying that it was much more peaceful for me this way, the kids have a phone to communicate with him, and I don't like being lied to (by xWH).

I think a lot of people understand why I wouldn't want contact, and that it is more peaceful, but on the other hand think it's a bit childish to refuse to speak with someone, even considering the circumstances, since we have 4 small children to consider.

Those people who suggest it's "childish" or "unreasonable" for you to stay in a safe, dark Plan B aren't the ones hurt by the communications from a wayward spouse. You are.

No contact for life certainly sounds reasonable under certain circumstances, and adultery is one of them. It's to protect you from the craziness and hurt of the wayward spouse.

You need to tell your FIL that you don't want to hear anything about the WH and that when the WH has the need to discuss the children, he needs to notify your IM. Period.

You may not have to have NC or be in Plan B for life but if the communication is going fine and you don't want your ex to contact you for whatever reason, don't be pressured into allowing contact. It is not childish. Why aggravate yourself with contact when you don't have to? That would be foolish.

Megz, it sounds like a natural concern for your FiL, because it's a big unknown to him. He doesn't have all the information you do about the benefits to you and by extension your children with NC. How about addressing your FiL's concern without putting pressure on yourself by feeling the need to defend yourself? You can tell him that you will think about his concern and get back to him. And then respond that you don't see the benefit to your kids from this continued communication. Ask him to think of some examples of when he would like you to interact with your ex. Think about it, and think about how your kids' needs would be best served. Often there are many options that don't involve contact. For example, maybe he thinks your ex should be at your kids' birthday parties. You can respond that your kids enjoy doing something special with their dad, that he wouldn't be doing if he was throwing the party with you. And let your FiL know that if there are any situations where he is afraid the kids are being impacted when information isn't getting across, that your FiL is still welcome to call and fill you in where the kids are concerned.

Thank you all for the backup! It helps to steady my resolve.
I prefer staying dark aside from its kind of a pain relying on other people all the time for communicating and taking the kids to meet him etc.
xWH took my 2 boys to church with her a couple weeks ago (not anywhere near my church). Wow! That's nervy! DS8 asked him when he was going to stop seeing OW so that xWH can come home.
I've told the kids that he will eventually take them around her, and that they need to be polite even if they don't like it. (Although I really wish they would throw a screaming fit haha). But I don't want to influence them to become haters.
My other son prayed the other night that xWH would stop talking to that "lady" and come home. I apparently haven't gotten it across to them that he isn't coming back.

I wouldn't tell the kids to be polite to the OW.
They have very good reason for hating her.

It's a required life skill to be polite to people you don't like. It will be necessary repeatedly in the workplace, etc. Be nice to her? No. Respect her? No. Be polite? Yes.

Don't be ridiculous!

It is not acceptable in a civilised society to be rude to people "in the workplace etc" because they haven't directly harmed us. Additionally, in the workplace especially, if we do not treat people we dislike with respect there will be unpleasant consequences for us - such as the loss of a job.

There is no requirement for these children to be polite to the OW who broke up their parents' marriage. There is no requirement to treat abominable behaviour with respect or politeness. That woman deserves everything she gets from those kids, and if she retaliates, they can just stop seeing her. If their father demands respect towards his whore then he is as bad as she is and he too deserves everything he gets, should the kids stop seeing them both.

What a horrible thing to tell this poster and her children!

I disagree. Obviously.

editing that -- I don't think disagree is the right word, and I don't know if being polite is what I should have commented on in the first post. I want my children to be well-behaved. That can happen without being polite. As an adult, you are correct I would not be polite to the person who wronged me, but I would behave in a socially-acceptable manner inasmuch as contact could not be avoided.

Deacon,

What is a socially acceptable manner to behave with an adulteress that ruins your family?

Adultery is just plain evil.

Aside from the issue of whether children should be polite to trashy adulteresses that destroy their families, an issue of equal importance is whose role it is to police child behavior.

In this posters case, she communicated to the children that she expected them to be on good behavior while with the OW. Since they are divorced, I would just drop them off and leave behavior issues with the OW and EX husband.

I did tell them they could say whatever they wanted to their dad, and the counselor has encouraged them to talk to him. They have asked him lots of questions and said they don't like him being gone but he doesn't answer them. I didn't really tell them anything about talking to OW. I've also told them if xWH takes them near her (or anywhere they don't want to be), that they can call me and someone will come get them.
Maybe I should have told them to feel free to have a fit haha!
xWH's mother would sprout wings and fly herself the 200 miles over here if OW ever touches my baby though. She would scratch OW's eyes out, and xMIL is the nicest person ever!

Another problem is xWH has stopped communicating with my mediator. He talks to the kids about once a week to arrange weekends (which is fine), and has talked to his dad a couple times, so my guess is that he doesn't think he needs to communicate through the mediator. I have sent some messages through IM about paperwork that needs to be finished in order to finish exchanging property. The paperwork has been at my atty's office for a month, very simple, already agreed upon stuff, just changing titles and that kind of thing. He will not get in there and sign it!! It's getting very frustrating.

Well, make sure that he doesn't contact you directly.

Be careful telling your children that someone will come get them. They may call you and ask their dad, but you legally can not take them without his permission if it is his custodial time with them...and you have no restriction in your orders about being around OW.


Kick your lawyer in the butt. Don't let the paperwork just sit there. Give him official notice to get in there by mm/dd/14 to sign necessary documents or you will file an Ex Parte Motion and you will ask for attorney fees and court costs to be paid by him. You don't have to use an attorney for this but if you do, then he can be liable for the legal fees if he is too lazy to go in and sign.