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#2821906 10/02/14 09:59 AM
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I'm not sure if this is the right place to post but I am looking for advice on overcoming rape in a marriage. It has happened a few times in our marriage (we've only been married a couple years). The last time was in July. It hasn't happened since then but I suppose that's because I haven't told him no to sex since then. I do not want a divorce but I don't see how we can save our marriage if I dread sexual contact and I am constantly having flashbacks of the rapes. How can I get over this and avoid divorce?

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Originally Posted by WifeNMother
I'm not sure if this is the right place to post but I am looking for advice on overcoming rape in a marriage. It has happened a few times in our marriage (we've only been married a couple years). The last time was in July. It hasn't happened since then but I suppose that's because I haven't told him no to sex since then. I do not want a divorce but I don't see how we can save our marriage if I dread sexual contact and I am constantly having flashbacks of the rapes. How can I get over this and avoid divorce?
Welcome to MB, WNM. I'm so sorry to read this.

You should not try to "overcome" your husband's raping you while continuing to live with him. You should report the crimes to the police, lock your husband out of the home and give evidence in a trial against him.

I don't think anyone on this site will advise you on how to "overcome' these violent assaults - not in the way you are hoping.


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Whether your marriage can survive will greatly depend on your husband's willingness to change and start showing you extraordinary care and protection. Is he willing to stop his abusive behavior?

You need to stop having sex with him for now. It is creating a sexual aversion in you, which will be difficult to overcome. If he wants to have sex with you, he is going to need to change some things. If he will not take no for an answer, separate. Keep in mind that separation is not divorce. Your marriage can survive a separation, but it is not going to survive the continued abuse.

Raise the bar. Let him know that if he wants to remain married to you, then you expect more than this. Separate until he is willing to care for and protect you.

Last edited by Prisca; 10/02/14 10:20 AM.

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WAM,

Have you called a rape crisis hotline, 1-800-656-4673, perhaps other posters have had experience.

Also you may want to contact the Harleys.

God Bless
Gamma

Gamma #2821912 10/02/14 10:34 AM
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Thank you for the replies. I did contact a hotline and they suggested counseling which my husband does not want to do. I said maybe I could go alone and he said I do not have the time or the funds to go to counseling and I guess he's right about that. I understand that many people would suggest a separation but I really do not want to do this. We have children together and it would be very embarrassing for me if my family and friends were to find out. I realize that most people will tell me to leave but I am not willing to do so. I do love my husband I just am not physically attracted to him anymore because I can't stop remembering the rapes.

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I understand the embarrassment of a separation. I had children, too, and feared all the attention that I might get if people found out what was happening at home.

I know how scary it is.

BUT, your husband has shown he does not care to protect you. He has no motivation to stop the abuse. Why should he? He is getting what he wants, he's happy, and he knows you are not going to do anything about it.



The only hope your marriage has is a separation. This is YOUR ONLY HOPE. I want to make that point very clear. There is no other way you can motivate him to change, and there is no way for you to get over the continued abuse while living with him.

Separation not only protects you, it raises the bar for him. It gives him a chance to do what it takes to win you back. It gives him a chance to change. You will be doing your marriage, your husband, and by extension your children a big favor. You will be giving your family a chance.





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Prisca #2821914 10/02/14 11:06 AM
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We live on a farm so me packing up my children and leaving is not an option. I guess I am just looking to overcome this mental hurdle which lead to my sexual aversion in the first place. I stopped wanting to have sex and then the rapes started so I have just been going along with it now. It is easier to just agree to have sex for a few minutes than to fight. But I would hope that I can get back to enjoying sex instead of dreading it and crying all the time.

Prisca #2821915 10/02/14 11:06 AM
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Your children will suffer if you stay. They need their parents to have a strong marriage built on care and protection. They do not have that, and they are suffering because of it. And it is only going to get worse.


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Prisca #2821916 10/02/14 11:10 AM
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In order for you to heal from the sexual aversion, your husband is going to need to be willing to show you extraordinary care and protection. He is not willing.

This is not something you can just get over. He will need to make changes. He is not willing to.

Continuing to just give in to sex in order to avoid a rape is NOT going to make things better.


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Prisca #2821918 10/02/14 11:11 AM
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I should clarify that our marriage is perfect aside from this one issue which sounds odd. We love spending time together and doing things as a family and he is very caring and thoughtful. He buys me gifts for no reason, takes me on dates, talks to me for hours. He is perfect in every way he just gets very frustrated when I don't want to have sex. He does everything I ask of him I am just not physically attracted to him anymore.

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I was in a situation where much embarrassment would have resulted from explaining a separation, too, about 14 years ago. I did not know about MB methods then, and did not expose or separate.

The following 14 years did not get any better - they kept getting worse and worse. This was because I did not set a boundary or accountability on how I needed to be treated. Eventually I was forced to set a boundary (separation) because my health started to deteriorate from the stress of being mistreated.

WifeNMother, in your situation it's either pay-me-now or pay-me-later. The interest costs you will bear on the pay-me-later are your health and more wasted years in an abusive situation.

Remember, separation is not divorce and it doesn't have to be. That could motivate your H to treat you well so he never has to experience the boundary or embarrassment again.

BTW, you have no reason to be embarrassed. True, it is personal information, but it is not YOUR behavior that is embarrassing, it's HIS. With the fear of being embarrassed if he misbehaves comes his incentive to not misbehave.

I am sorry, but if you want a life where you are not abused, this is the only way.

I really suspect there are other things in the marriage that are abusive to you if he is willing to go so far as to rape you.

How are other aspects of your relationship? Has he ever struck you? Does he yell at you or curse at you? Does he treat you as an equal?


Are you living in a covenant with death? With bitterness in your marriage? Read Isaiah 28. The bed will not be long enough or the covers wide enough for you to ever find comfort in that life. In Isaiah 28, God tells you to take a stick and beat these conditions out of your life.

Isaiah 28:29 "This [command] also cometh forth from the Lord of hosts, which is wonderful in counsel, and excellent in working."
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I know that it is me that is the problem but I don't know how to change the way I feel and think. I just want to erase all these negative thoughts and go back to being happy.

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Originally Posted by WifeNMother
I should clarify that our marriage is perfect aside from this one issue which sounds odd. We love spending time together and doing things as a family and he is very caring and thoughtful. He buys me gifts for no reason, takes me on dates, talks to me for hours. He is perfect in every way he just gets very frustrated when I don't want to have sex. He does everything I ask of him I am just not physically attracted to him anymore.

In that case, I think he would respond very well to finding out that he HAS to do something about this issue.

This is not something you can fix for him.

He has to take any form of abuse and control, especially this, off of the table.

Given what you are saying here, there is a very good chance that when he finds out that he has to overcome this or you will separate, he will choose to do what needs to be done. That is what good men do. They become BETTER men when that is what they have to do to keep their families.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Originally Posted by WifeNMother
I know that it is me that is the problem

No, you are not the problem - he is.

Do you have Dr. Harley's book Love Busters?

I would strongly encourage you to write to Dr. Harley on his radio show, and to read through these columns Dr. Harley has written on abuse and control:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5505_qa.html


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
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Originally Posted by WifeNMother
We live on a farm so me packing up my children and leaving is not an option.

Yes, it is. Your H will just have to figure out how to run the farm without you until he is able to not rape you. He will have to hire a farm hand or work even harder himself, or sell the farm.

Wouldn't you rather live with little and peace, than with riches and rape? There is no financial decision worth selling yourself to be raped over.


Are you living in a covenant with death? With bitterness in your marriage? Read Isaiah 28. The bed will not be long enough or the covers wide enough for you to ever find comfort in that life. In Isaiah 28, God tells you to take a stick and beat these conditions out of your life.

Isaiah 28:29 "This [command] also cometh forth from the Lord of hosts, which is wonderful in counsel, and excellent in working."
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Originally Posted by WifeNMother
I know that it is me that is the problem but I don't know how to change the way I feel and think.

Dr. Harley is a clinical psychologist with decades of experiencing helping marriages, and he will tell you it is IMPOSSIBLE to change the way you feel and think! This is not something that needs to be fixed on your end.

In all cases Dr. Harley recommends changing the offending spouse's behavior, rather than trying to change the offended spouse's feelings. It is much easier to change behavior than it is to change feelings. People feel better after their spouse stops offending them and takes steps to make sure it will never happen again.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

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Originally Posted by WifeNMother
I know that it is me that is the problem but I don't know how to change the way I feel and think. I just want to erase all these negative thoughts and go back to being happy.

And you cannot do that until the rapes stop happening.

The rapes won't stop happening unless you set boundaries.


Are you living in a covenant with death? With bitterness in your marriage? Read Isaiah 28. The bed will not be long enough or the covers wide enough for you to ever find comfort in that life. In Isaiah 28, God tells you to take a stick and beat these conditions out of your life.

Isaiah 28:29 "This [command] also cometh forth from the Lord of hosts, which is wonderful in counsel, and excellent in working."
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Originally Posted by WifeNMother
I know that it is me that is the problem but I don't know how to change the way I feel and think. I just want to erase all these negative thoughts and go back to being happy.

You are not the problem. His abuse has created these feelings in you and you can't just get over them. He has to change some things first.

Btw, the abuse has not stopped just because you now give into sex instead of facing a rape. His demand with the threat of rape IS ABUSE. It continues, and your feelings will not change until it stops.


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Thank you, I will check out those articles. I will also try to see about contacting dr. Harley for further advice . I appreciate y'all taking the time to read about my problems and responding!

Prisca #2821928 10/02/14 11:22 AM
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Originally Posted by Prisca
Btw, the abuse has not stopped just because you now give into sex instead of facing a rape. His demand with the threat of rape IS ABUSE. It continues, and your feelings will not change until it stops.

Exactly.

The reason you are crying all the time and dreading sex is because every time he has sex with you, that you are complying to avoid rape, he actually is raping you by implication. "If you don't give in I will rape you."


Are you living in a covenant with death? With bitterness in your marriage? Read Isaiah 28. The bed will not be long enough or the covers wide enough for you to ever find comfort in that life. In Isaiah 28, God tells you to take a stick and beat these conditions out of your life.

Isaiah 28:29 "This [command] also cometh forth from the Lord of hosts, which is wonderful in counsel, and excellent in working."
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