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Dear Dr. Harley,

I am a 26 years old woman, married for 2 years to a wonderful man and was dating him for 4 years before that. I love him a lot and cannot imagine my life without him.

A few months back, we had to move to different continents due to work. I was devastated and during this time, my best friend helped me a lot emotionally. My best friend works in the same firm as me and we have been each other's support system professionally for quite some time.

However, in the months separate from my husband, my best friend and I started developing a close personal bond as well, helping each other deal with distance of our loved ones (he is engaged to be married next year and his fiancee lives in a different country). As our emotional bond grew, one thing led to another and we had an affair.

The affair lasted for a month. During this time, he made me feel like I had fallen in love all over again, butterflies in stomach and a permanent smile on my face. However, when my husband came to visit me for a month, reality hit home. I cannot be with two men and I chose my husband, since I still love him and cannot stand to lose him.

However, he is to return back in 20 days and then I would be all alone again with only my best friend to turn to for anything in this town. I have not told my husband about the affair. I have a few questions on how to deal with my situation:

Question 1: Currently, my best friend is vacationing out of country and out of contact. I have to ended the affair with him, but I miss him terribly. I miss all the pampering and cute talks and the tremendous love he showed me. How do I stop that ?

Question 2: I think I am obsessed with my best friend. I keep checking his what's app last seen at status, Facebook messages waiting for a message from him. How do I stop this obsession ?

Question 3: Since my husband and I have been together for so long, we have gotten into a comfortable take-for-granted stage. We don't pamper each other so much, our talks are less lovey-dovey and more of discussing the politics and bills, etc. How do I get the spark that was there in our relationship in early days back ? How I do I get all the love and romance back (I realized I missed it only when during my affair, I was told that I am cute and beautiful and angel and that my best friend loved me around 10 times a day)

Question 4: After my husband leaves, I would be alone in this town with my best friend for another two months. How do I avoid getting into an affair with him?

Question 5: How do I maintain my friendship with my best friend? I have ended the affair but we both want to continue the friendship because it predates the affair by 3 years.How to maintain the friendship but forget the romantic side of the relation with my best friend ?

Question 6: Once I return back to my husband, I may hardly meet my best friend except maybe once a year and continue our friendship the way it was before, over internet. How do I handle and maintain the friendship then and make sure it never turns to an affair?

Question 7: When my husband and I try to have sex, I am not at all turned on by him , but my best friend turned me on in one kiss. How do I get the passion back in my marriage ?

There is no one around me that I can confide in. I am completely lost!!!

Please help !!!!!!

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Originally Posted by confusedwife39
D
However, he is to return back in 20 days and then I would be all alone again with only my best friend to turn to for anything in this town. I have not told my husband about the affair. I have a few questions on how to deal with my situation:


Hi confused, welcome to Marriage Builders. Dr Harley does not post here but we can help you with this situation.

The first step is to tell your husband all about your adultery so he can protect himself. The second step is to end all contact with your adultery partner. Your affair will not end until you end ALL contact with him.

If you will send your husband here we can help you both with your marriage. But he has to know the truth about his life FIRST. To not tell him is cruel and manipulative.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by confusedwife39
Question 5: How do I maintain my friendship with my best friend? I have ended the affair but we both want to continue the friendship because it predates the affair by 3 years.How to maintain the friendship but forget the romantic side of the relation with my best friend ?

He is not your "friend." He views you as a cheap piece of action. You are his unpaid wh*re and nothing more. He has degraded you in the most terrible way. You should never see or speak to this dirtbag again.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by confusedwife39
However, in the months separate from my husband, my best friend and I started developing a close personal bond as well, helping each other deal with distance of our loved ones (he is engaged to be married next year and his fiancee lives in a different country). As our emotional bond grew, one thing led to another and we had an affair.

Do your parents, friends and family know you have been committing adultery?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Tell you husband everything, do it now.
You can control yourself and stop acting on your urges, you must go cold turkey and end contact with your adultery partner.
Then read up on Extraordinary Precautions and implement them.
You need to move back to your husband.
The reason you feel all those things about your adultery partner is you are in a fog about the affair and thinking like an addict.


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No, no one knows about my affair. I come from a very narrow minded society, where even sitting next to another man is frowned upon by a lot of people. I am afraid that if I open up, they will disown me and I will be left alone in this world.

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Our affair was not just about sex. During that period, there were lot of days when it was just a very romantic together time. I have tried to cut all contact with him, but I am not able to do so, because we connect in a lot of ways other than affair as well, he is kind of my BFF. What to do ?

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I think you are right, I am thinking like an addict. Even when my affair partner is not around and I am spending time with my husband, I cannot help but keep going back to the time spent in the affair, the things we did, the pubs we visited, the movies we saw, etc. How to stop this non-stop flooding of memories ?

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Confusedwife39, first let me establish that I'm not here to yell at you. Everything I'm about to say, you may consider it as being whispered, as over a cup of coffee. And I'm speaking to you from the standpoint of a person who got myself into an affair with a married woman, and it almost destroyed my own marriage. Having been in your shoes, the last thing I would do is to disservice you by not telling you some straight truth.

So, now, listen:

First, a question for you: From where did you get the notion that married people may safely or properly maintain "best-friend" relationships with people of the opposite sex? This works -- in situation-comedies, in the movies, in light-beer commercials. In real life, however, it leads to exactly what you've gotten yourself into. That hoary old phrase "forsaking all others" was worked into the traditional marriage vow for a reason; not to keep you from a good time, but to spare you and your spouse lots of grief.

Another question: What did you get married for?

Most people get married because they want to be together. You & your husband seem to have settled for a weird sort of marriage in which you're not together. "Had" to move to different continents due to work? Nope, try again. Unless one of you is in the military service and are under orders of which disobedience would result in court-martial, you had the choice to quit and get a different job so that you could prioritize being together, but instead made a choice not to be together. (And even if one of you was separated under military orders, the choice to have an affair was still yours alone.)

Affairs are not forced upon us, they are choices. I chose mine, and you chose yours. You want to change for the better? Then I'd suggest that you begin owning up to your choices, not trying to divert the blame onto circumstances beyond your control.

What I gather from your post is that you're not very serious about prioritizing your marriage. In practically every other sentence, you worry about how to maintain contact with your "best friend."

I've got news for you: It's one or the other. You'll never be able to have anything other than a wounded, crippled, slowly-dying marriage as long as this other man is in your life & interfering with your focus on your husband.

So which do you want to save? Your friendship with your affair-buddy, or your marriage? "Both" doesn't work.

I've got other news for you: If you want to save your marriage, the only way to give yourself a fighting chance is to first, and irrevocably, end all contact with your affair-partner. For life. If you have any questions about this, I encourage you to get yourself a copy of the book "Surviving An Affair" and read it, cover-to-cover. I don't get a single penny for saying so, but I'll tell you that it's a book that may well have saved my marriage.

And if you want to save your marriage, your best chance is to be truthful with your husband. If there were dissatisfactions in your marriage, such that you let yourself go to the point of choosing an affair, it's completely unfair of you to deny him this information, which affects his marriage. What right have you to withhold such information from him? You can only have a satisfying marriage on a basis of truth, and you can't build a basis of truth atop a pile of lies, covered up.

Is that not what you wanted to hear, C39? Well, if you came here for validation of your goal to maintain a lifelong connection to your affair-partner, let me assure you that there's no such validation to be found here. Why not? Because that's not how you save a marriage.

The way you save a marriage -- the way you reestablish romance and keep it alive -- is to spend time with your spouse, so that you and he can give one another undivided attention and meet the emotional needs that you cannot hope to meet while you're spending so much time apart.

It can be done. You can end up with a marriage that's better than before the affair. That's my message of hope for you.

However, you have to be all-in. And I'm sorry to observe that you're not all-in. I don't think that you're really interested in saving your marriage. No one who's serious about making a good-faith effort to save his or her marriage would be so concerned about how to save his or her attachment to the affair-partner.

Prove me wrong if you will, but I'm sad to think that you won't.


Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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Quit the job. Don't bother telling or talking to your affair partner about your decision as he will just manipulate you. The most effective way to quit smoking is cold turkey. Same with your affair. Quit and move home with your husband and never see or speak to OM again.

You are wrong about your husband disowning you. Betrayed husband's rarely do. Telling him the truth about his life isn't what hurts him. Your affair is. The sooner you end it and get honest with your husband the better your chances of retaining your life and husband are. I realize when you are in the midst of an addiction it's really hard to make a decision today that can surely be put off even thinking about until tomorrow but time is of the essence. You posting here today was prompted by your conscience which is telling you what you are hearing here is the truth. The "truth" shall set you free.

Don't be afraid. Like the woman at the well...you've been advised herein to "go and sin no more". There are consequences to infidelity but this doesn't have to define you for the rest of your life. You are more than just another common adulterer.....so prove it. Listen to your own conscience.

Godspeed,

Mr. Wondering


FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered

"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
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Originally Posted by confusedwife39
Our affair was not just about sex. During that period, there were lot of days when it was just a very romantic together time. I have tried to cut all contact with him, but I am not able to do so, because we connect in a lot of ways other than affair as well, he is kind of my BFF. What to do ?

You realize that your HUSBAND should be your BFF. That is what a spouse is for, to be a romantic partner for life. Not the side item while you invest your emotional and physical energy into a different opposite sex 'BFF'.

And connecting in other ways does not mean you are *unable* to cut contact with him. You can, you are just choosing not to.

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By definition, having a best friend of the opposite sex besides your husband IS an affair.

That should answer most of your questions.

The rest of your questions are answered by following the Marriage Builders program to restore love to your marriage. Please check out the many educational materials here to learn how to rebuild and make your marriage what it should have always been.

How do Affairs Begin?

Anatomy of Adultery

chapter 13 of His Needs, Her Needs



Dr. Harley's other free videos

Summary of the Marriage Builders Basic Concepts

The Marriage Builders Basic Concepts

Surviving an Affair, ebook edition (download and read instantly)

Surviving an Affair, hardcover edition

The Marriage Builders Radio show - the single best FREE educational tool for Marriage Builders. Listen on your computer, or download the app and listen on your phone or tablet

Dr. Harley's Q&A columns

Dr. Harley's articles


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Originally Posted by markos
By definition, having a best friend of the opposite sex besides your husband IS an affair.

That should answer most of your questions.

The rest of your questions are answered by following the Marriage Builders program to restore love to your marriage. Please check out the many educational materials here to learn how to rebuild and make your marriage what it should have always been.

How do Affairs Begin?

Anatomy of Adultery

chapter 13 of His Needs, Her Needs



Dr. Harley's other free videos

Summary of the Marriage Builders Basic Concepts

The Marriage Builders Basic Concepts

Surviving an Affair, ebook edition (download and read instantly)

Surviving an Affair, hardcover edition

The Marriage Builders Radio show - the single best FREE educational tool for Marriage Builders. Listen on your computer, or download the app and listen on your phone or tablet

Dr. Harley's Q&A columns

Dr. Harley's articles

With all that help available, most of it free, what's the number one reason visitors to this website end up with failing marriages?

Answer: The ignore the expert help and enjoy spending time here on the forum airing their own opinions.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Originally Posted by confusedwife39
I think you are right, I am thinking like an addict. Even when my affair partner is not around and I am spending time with my husband, I cannot help but keep going back to the time spent in the affair, the things we did, the pubs we visited, the movies we saw, etc. How to stop this non-stop flooding of memories ?

1. Disclose your affair to your husband. Tell him who with.
2. End contact for life and make it impossible for OM to contact you by changing your contact info and blocking websites where OM is such as Facebook.

Hard step to take, but easy procedure! It works!

This is the answer to your question.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Originally Posted by confusedwife39
No, no one knows about my affair. I come from a very narrow minded society, where even sitting next to another man is frowned upon by a lot of people. I am afraid that if I open up, they will disown me and I will be left alone in this world.

Your husband and your family all have a right to know what you have done. Most decent people are "narrow minded" about adultery and know right from wrong. If they choose to disown you, that is their right. You should not trick them into a deceitful association when you know they would not approve.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by confusedwife39
Our affair was not just about sex. During that period, there were lot of days when it was just a very romantic together time. I have tried to cut all contact with him, but I am not able to do so, because we connect in a lot of ways other than affair as well, he is kind of my BFF. What to do ?

Your OM is just using you for a cheap piece of *ss. He had to be "romantic" to get the free nookey. If he were your "friend" he wouldn't be spitting in your face by having sex with you. A true friend who cared about you wouldn't do that. He wouldnt' marry you or take you around his family after all. He would be ashamed of you. And you should be ashamed too.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by confusedwife39
I think you are right, I am thinking like an addict. Even when my affair partner is not around and I am spending time with my husband, I cannot help but keep going back to the time spent in the affair, the things we did, the pubs we visited, the movies we saw, etc. How to stop this non-stop flooding of memories ?

Just tell your husband about your adultery and you will be able to see how disgusting you look in the eyes of an objective outsider. This OM did nothing more than use you for some free sex and then kicked you aside for his fiance.

Telling others will alleviate the romantic notions of you have your affair. It is not "romantic" to obective observers. It is disgusting and degrading.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Thank you all for the advice. I guess I needed that reality check in my life. I have always been the kind of person who cannot say no and wants to maintain good relations with everyone. But, I think, there does come a point in life wherein I have to step up and say no. I have decided to tell my affair partner as soon as he is back from the trip not to contact me anymore by any means of communication ever again. I will be telling my husband everything and changing jobs to leave the town, so that memories of the affair can stop torturing me.

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Originally Posted by confusedwife39
Thank you all for the advice. I guess I needed that reality check in my life. I have always been the kind of person who cannot say no and wants to maintain good relations with everyone. But, I think, there does come a point in life wherein I have to step up and say no. I have decided to tell my affair partner as soon as he is back from the trip not to contact me anymore by any means of communication ever again. I will be telling my husband everything and changing jobs to leave the town, so that memories of the affair can stop torturing me.

Why wait to tell your OM about never contacting you again? Send one of No Contact letters from Here .

Your H needs to know right away so he can
1.) Make his own decision about whether or not he wants to recover the marriage and
2.) Hold you accountable by ensuring that the OM can NOT ever contact you again.

If you can work successfully with your H to restore your marriage so that it better, much better, than before, you will find that the memories from the A won't haunt you as much in time.

Can you send your H here?


Married 1980
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CW39,

Offer to take a polygraph to your BH, betrayed husband, so that he trusts he has the full truth.

Get tested for STDs before you have relations or even kiss your BH. STDs are pretty serious

Expose the OM to his parent, family, workplace, wife/girl friend and facebook contacts.

Your BH deserves the truth before the OM is told to get lost.

God Bless
Gamma

Last edited by Gamma; 10/03/14 09:38 PM.
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