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#2825295 10/23/14 04:41 PM
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There seems to be a lot of talk regarding the father of the illegitimate child, and how he should just cast him/her out like a used tissue. Has any one actually walked this journey? Has any one addressed how the father is supposed to stomach abandoning his own flesh? How the father should handle each day, knowing what he has done...?

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Originally Posted By: AndyL
There seems to be a lot of talk regarding the father of the illegitimate child, and how he should just cast him/her out like a used tissue.


What a loaded question. The way you have phrased this tells me you are not asking a sincere question but come loaded with an agenda. That might be a mistake.

Why did you need to know? What is your story?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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How do you 'face what you've done' by continuing to do it?

A married man has no business with or creating another woman's child. A single man had no business creating or interfering with the child in someone else's marriage.

If you were so foolish as to create it then don't make matters worse by taking away it's home and the marriage of its parents too.

Personally I find it interesting that sperm donors don't find this a wrench but affair partners do. It's just a way of reconnecting and rubbing the betrayed spouses faces in the fact they see the child as a result of a love union.

Really shameful.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Originally Posted By: AndyL
Has any one addressed how the father is supposed to stomach abandoning his own flesh? How the father should handle each day, knowing what he has done...?
This attempt to cast the male affair partner as a victim is ludicrous. Of all the people involved, he is the least qualified for victim status.


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Originally Posted By: AndyL
There seems to be a lot of talk regarding the father of the illegitimate child, and how he should just cast him/her out like a used tissue. Has any one actually walked this journey? Has any one addressed how the father is supposed to stomach abandoning his own flesh? How the father should handle each day, knowing what he has done...?


How does an OM have sex with a woman knowing that the chances are he may get the WW pregnant and may not have legal recourse to having access to his biological child?

It seems the OM knew the odds and took the gamble any way.

So how can the OM complain that he is being denied access to his bio child?

As if the OM went to the casino. Bet his money. Lost it. Then expect the casino to make him whole again when he was not forced to gamble. The OM had free will and chose to gamble.

Now even if the OM got access to his bio child so you OP are now happy.

How do you if you were the OM make amends to the BH, their marriage, their kids, repair, undo all the damage that you did with your affair?

How would you make it up to the OC that now it has to be raised and shuttled between two broken homes?

Or make it up for not being raised by both of it's bio parents in one home?

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So...no one has walked his path...?

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Originally Posted By: AndyL
So...no one has walked his path...?


Yes. What can we do for you?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Andy,

I am an OC, who was born to a wife who had an affair, and I can only tell you that the birth of an OC can bring pain to all those involved. Every choice you can conceive of has it's drawbacks, adoption, secrecy, divorce, child support, paternity fraud, visitation, none are ideal in any way.

Do you have an OC being raised in someone else's marriage?

God Bless
Gamma

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Originally Posted By: AndyL
There seems to be a lot of talk regarding the father of the illegitimate child, and how he should just cast him/her out like a used tissue. Has any one actually walked this journey? Has any one addressed how the father is supposed to stomach abandoning his own flesh? How the father should handle each day, knowing what he has done...?


I think "father" (when discussing a man conceiving a child with a married woman) is a bit overstated. Sperm donor is more appropriate.

There was a single OM who posted a few times here that tried to interfere using the courts to assets his supposed biological parental rights to a child he supposedly provided the sperm for. Just use the search box and search out "Kentucky Paternity" and it should show up in the results. The Kentucky courts denied his petition meaning he'd have no legal rights to his supposed bio child whatsoever. Several years later Kentucky changed their position but I don't know if that resulted in the OM finally gaining access to "his" supposed biological son. The money wasted and the damage this OM did publicly humiliating his son (whose name will forever be linked to the billboards and public debate that ensued) and the betrayed husband and his family was and is, I'm sure, a complete travesty.

If you want the right to "father" and and all of your biological children don't have sex with a married woman. It's a pretty easy rule to live by....much easier than that silly do not have sex out of wedlock one.

Mr. W


FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered

"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
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So, I am AndyL's and some of you respond to my posts under surviving an affair "husband's mistress is pregnant" and I have told him that if, and a big if we try to work on restoring this marriage that he must have no contact with the OW or the OC if it his since we won't know until the baby is born who the actual father is.

A few other facts are that the OW is already a single mom, so there is no husband in the picture. We have 3 kids together from our marriage all 5yrs old & under. I have already filed for divorce we have our temporary hearing in November.

I am not defending my husband but I do think if any of you have gone through this similar situation your advice would be helpful. If you want more background I would ask then that you read my post as mentioned earlier.

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So, I am AndyL's wife and some of you responded to my posts under surviving an affair "husband's mistress is pregnant" and I have told him that if, and a big if we try to work on restoring this marriage that he must have no contact with the OW or the OC if it his since we won't know until the baby is born who the actual father is.

A few other facts are that the OW is already a single mom, so there is no husband in the picture. We have 3 kids together from our marriage all 5yrs old & under. I have already filed for divorce we have our temporary hearing in November.

I am not defending my husband but I do think if any of you have gone through this similar situation your advice would be helpful. If you want more background I would ask then that you read my post as mentioned earlier.

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All the advice you are receiving is what Dr. Harley recommends. He has discussed this painful topic on the radio numerous times saying that there are no great options. What he recommends is the option that has the best chance of recovering the marriage. For the best chance at recovery, there must be NC between the OW and your H. And no NC with the OC either.

You and your H should probably put aside some funds in the event that the child IS his, but until a DNA test is ordered and proves otherwise, no assumption can be made.

If the child proves to be your H's, he will have to pay child support; however, if he has visitation with the OC, it will be a painful and constant reminder of the affair, plus it will be easier for the OW to make contact. Dr. Harley has said that without a father in the picture, a single mother often has a better chance to marry and her OWN husband could then father the child. Granted, this chance may be small, but NC is still the better option for recovery of the marriage.



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Originally Posted By: jamin


I am not defending my husband but I do think if any of you have gone through this similar situation your advice would be helpful. If you want more background I would ask then that you read my post as mentioned earlier.


The advice that we give here is from Dr Harley, clinical psychologist. That is the best advice your husband will get. Anywhere.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Jamin, unless your husband has already cut off contact completely with this skank, you should have nothing to do with him. There is really nothing here to save given that he is a serial cheater. Dr Harley would advise you to expose his affairs wide and far. He is a dangerous man to you and I hope you follow through on the divorce. If you don't get away from him, your future will be a life of hell, just as your past has been.

I dearly hope you have not contracted some disease from him. Have you been tested for stds?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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P.s. Please tell your husband to put on his big girl panties and get back here and finish this discussion. He can come speak for himself instead of sending his wife out to face us.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Birth no longer has to take place for a safe paternity test. Science has been able to find that there are the baby's cells in the mom's blood.

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Originally Posted By: TheRoad
Birth no longer has to take place for a safe paternity test. Science has been able to find that there are the baby's cells in the mom's blood.


This is true, but if this marriage is to be saved, then Andy needs to break off all contact with the OW and not do anything unless forced by the court.

Jamin, has Andy ended all contact and agreed to the conditions that would make it possible to save your marriage? If not, you need to shut that door before he destroys your mental and physical health.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Yes as far as I know all contact has been stopped with the OW. And yes I have been tested for all STD's & HIV, so luckily I am good on that end.

Andy does know that for me even consider trying to restore the marriage there will be no contact with the OC or the OW. I will not back down from that and he is aware of that.

I will be perfectly honest that there are downfalls for both divorce & reconciliation of the marriage. And that is what I need to decide so much prayer for guidance is needed. I want to do what is best for my 3 beautiful children & myself.

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Originally Posted By: jamin
Yes as far as I know all contact has been stopped with the OW.


She was a coworker, so has he left that job? And how do you know he has stopped contact? Do you have access to all of his email and cell phones?

Do you have absolute proof that all contact has ended?

Quote:
And yes I have been tested for all STD's & HIV, so luckily I am good on that end.


Quote:
Andy does know that for me even consider trying to restore the marriage there will be no contact with the OC or the OW. I will not back down from that and he is aware of that.


So he has agreed to this?

Quote:
I will be perfectly honest that there are downfalls for both divorce & reconciliation of the marriage. And that is what I need to decide so much prayer for guidance is needed. I want to do what is best for my 3 beautiful children & myself.


I agree you should do what is best for you and your children. That is what we are trying to help you do. What is best for you is to follow Dr Harley's steps stringently. Otherwise, you will be damning yourself and your children to a life of hell. If your husband won't follow the extraordinary precautions and protect you from another affair, you are better off without him. If he won't meet those conditions to the letter, he will tear you down emotionally and physically. Then your children will have no one.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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