I just found out my husband had a one night stand. It was with someone he didnt know. Met her at a club that day, rented a room and had sex with her. We have been married 2 and half years, we have a 19month old and i am currently pregnant. I never denied him sex so he was definitely getting enough. The one night stand was before the pregnancy

Before we got married i had caught him cheating (met them in the room in bed). He had begged and begged and i forgave him and then we married.

He recently moved to asia for work last week and i was doing his laundry on sunday night when i saw a used condom in his pocket. I called him and asked and he said it was probably an old one from before marriage that he kept there or something. Infact he said he was expecting me to tell him that i was just pulling his legs.

And then i checked the manufacture date, it was 2014. I told him and he said he doesnt know how it got there, but its not his as he would never cheat on me.

Oh well, i got upset and hurt as i was heartbroken that he denied as it meant he wasnt sorry. After much back and forth, he then confesses that he is sorry. That he had a one night stand with someone he didnt know in a hotel. It hurts honestly. he left me at home, went to a hotel, slept with someone and then came back home to meet me like nothing happened.

Right now i am devastated, heart broken, hurt and pregnant. I dont even know where to go or how to handle this. I believe that the fact that i let him off easily the first time played a part in the second cheating. I dont even know. Please i am helpless and confused. I just want to cry and cry all day and night.Please i need advice, i need help. Thankfully he is far away in asia. We were supposed to go and visit him next week for holiday but i am cancelling the trip as i cant go through with it.

Please help.

HB14, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that have brought you here. Yours is a very difficult situation because it is clear your husband is out trolling for action. He is different from the typical one time cheater that sort of falls into it because of loose boundaries. Your H is is out looking for it.

The only solution is for him to make his life so transparent that he can't cheat again. That means spending all of your time together, never spending the night apart, having complete access to his phone and email, etc. He would have to make a dramatic change in his lifestyle to make you safe. And he would certainly have to stay out of clubs. That is not a place for married men.

If he won't do those things, then you should separate from him. I would also not have sex with him until you have been checked for STDs. It is unlikely this is his only affair.

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

Welcome to MB HB14,

Agree with Mel that your WH is trolling for sex and now that he lives in Asia...well there is plenty of opportunity for it to continue. I doubt the ONS (if that is even the truth) was before your pregnancy. Who keeps a used condom in their pocket...much less for X weeks (months? Don't know how pregnant you are)?

That you don't live together and he is a serial cheater, I don't see much hope here and advise you to consult with an attorney. You can present him with a plan of Recovery but I don't see your WH being good marriage material.

Sorry for your hurt.

I guess all hope is lost then.

Have you read up on exposure? Please read the Exposure 101 thread. Even if you separate and go to divorce you will want to expose his affairs.

Also, did you read the list of EP's? By saying that all hope is lost, do you mean to say that your WH is not willing to live by EP's?

I am so sorry. I agree that this man is not good marriage material. Consult an attorney and protect yourself and your children financially.

AM

MelodyLane pointed out your only hope; your H needs to completely change his life so that it's IMPOSSIBLE for him to cheat again. If he won't do this, then your situation is hopeless and the pattern he has followed in the past will be your future.

Please go back and read through the posts to you and expose the affairs.

Dr Harley has had very good success even with serial cheaters but they have to live very secluded lives. Working from home or with you in a joint business venture.

Exposure will be needed in any event (you need the support - trust me you do!) and it sometimes has a remarkable effect on the cheater and makes them want to change their lifestyle

If you think divorce is the only option then for goodness sake don't try to be friends and remain in contact with him. You will remain in love, and in hurt that way.

Read up on Plan B and on using an intermediary with the kids. It is the only way to heal and to get a personal recovery, if not a marital one.

Dr H says it either recovers the marriage or makes divorce hurt less. He's right.

I had said all hope is lost because living together now is not possible, its going to take months to work my residency visa, and i don't want to resign from my job here and go and be totally financially dependent on him in case it doesn't work out, and then me and my children would be stuck or stranded.

I thought exposure was only if he was having a full time affair not a one night stand? Exposure is scary. So scary for me.

He has been begging and crying that it was a mistake, but unfortunately i dont believe.

Did you read this?
Exposure 101

What about your husband returning and finding a job he can work from home or together with you? Your right you don't wAnt to leave to be with him under the circumstances.

No exposure is needed in all cases. How many one night stands would happen if all were exposed afterwards as a matter of course? Exposure was scary for us all. My hands shook! Dont listen to your fear, you need the support of exposure and your children's father needs the accountability. Never seen a successful story without exposure.

Why don't you go Plan B and let him figure out a way to come home to you and fulfil the conditions?

Also you have no idea if it was a one night stand, and if it was then it is unlikely to be his first. All you know is that he is unfaithful.

His character is on a downward spiral and he needs the people who love him to know

I am back here again....about this time last year I was here to complain about his infidelity. Unfortunately it's happened again. I discovered some laboratory test recipets for hiv and venerable disease testing in my husbands bag, dated last week.when I asked he said he was still traumatised and scared because of the affair he had last year and so he keeps doing laboratory tests to be sure he never contacted anything. Few hours later I found a secret phone in his wardrobe. I have never seen this phone before. It also had a new sim card. However the phone was locked. As it is a blackberry I have no way to unlock it. He initially denied ownership of the phone, then later said it was his but he would never unlock it for me. A few times he forcefully tried to take it from me but didn't succeed. He then said he would move out of the house instead of opening the phone.

I am distraught. I have a 2 year old daughter. It's just heartbreaking. I don't know what to do...I need to see the contents of the phone as it seems my husband has a different life from the one I know. I have planned to expose him to his family tonight....

Threads merged. Please stick to one thread.

Good morning,
I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling, you are on the right track, exposure is your next step.
Ask him to leave if he will not allow you to see the contents of that phone.
There is also a lot of information about investigating phones on this site.

Go see a lawyer and figure out your rights. Open a new bank account and transfer 1/2 the $$ into it to protect you and your daughter.

Read the information on this site and the fine people here can help you navigate your next move.
Stay calm, be smart and do this right this time.

Did you make any lifestyle changes as a result of the advice you got before?

Did you end the situation where you were living on separate continents?

Did you expose his previous affairs?

You were pregnant again when you came here in October. I do hope nothing went wrong.

I lost the pregnancy about a week after i found out. I went into depression and lost the baby. Unfortunately i didnt expose him the first time. He apologised and begged and promised that he had turned a new leaf. I stupidly resigned my job to move in with him and thus currently have no job although i should be starting next month. We are in the middle east so womens rights here is kind of minimal for separation or divorce. I even will need a permission letter from him to open a bank account. I would say i dug my grave

I'm so sorry to hear about the baby.

Your husband is a serial cheat who trolls for action. If you want to give the marriage another try, you need to listen to the advice you were given last time. I believe someone wrote telling you that a serial cheater cannot have a job that takes them out of your sight, and he needs to live with full transparency about communications etc. (Having a secret Blackberry is the opposite of that.) Is your husband willing to make the changes that mean he is always with you, and always transparent? (I highly doubt it, given his behaviour about the phone.) Would he give up his job, and could you two work together? Would you be willing to live like that yourself?

If you cannot make the radical changes that would give your marriage a chance, you have two choices; first, to separate from him where you live now, and take the job you've been offered. You would go into Plan B, and have no direct communication with your H. The point of this is that you are accepting that he will cheat on you given the opportunity, and so you are deciding to remove yourself permanently from that pain. In your shoes, I would not do that, because there would be no benefit to me to living in a strange country if my marriage broke up. No amount of money would make that worthwhile. You need to consider why you would stay there on your own, especially since it sounds as if divorced (single) women are not exactly supported there. What life would there be for you, and your daughter (considering that she is a girl in that women-unfriendly culture)?

The second option is to move you and your daughter back home, where, it is hoped, you would have family support. Your H can follow if he is minded, and if he wants to see his daughter grow up, but you would not reconcile even back home unless he stops working outside the home.

What do you plan to do?