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#2827266 11/07/14 01:23 AM
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feeling uncertain...I was a caller on the radio show and as a result of that Dr. Harley suggested I initiate Plan B for myself. However, before I could do so my husband and I got into an argument that sadly included an outburst on my part. Needless to say that final argument caused my husband to decide to leave me instead. He stated that he wanted a divorce although he still has not officially filed. That was 2 mo ago now. He has moved most of his belongings out by this point and in doing so he "pops" in randomly unannounced to gather his belongings a little at a time. I unfortunately cannot afford to continue residing in our marital home on my income alone so in the interim he has agreed to continue paying his half temporarily. Because of this he refuses to give me his key and I am afraid to change the locks for fear of him deciding not to continue helping financially. (which i know is only allowing him to have the control over me and my emotions) he claims he has been living with his brother for these 2 mo although I honestly have no way to confirm this since I am not even aware of where his brother resides. we have only spoken a few times within these last 2 mo...mostly about finances. the moment i ask what his intentions are for us or ask him to have a conversation with me, he either refuses or says "maybe someday" he has not provided me with any sort of PBL since he does not follow MB at all. (I unfortunately stumbled across MB too late) so I feel like I am in limbo now not knowing what his intentions really are. I have only ever wanted to create a healthy lasting life with him and at this point I still would like to restore what we once I had and then sustain it. I just dont know what steps I should take to convince him that if we both actually work together that it can happen. Since he has been gone, I have attended church and that has helped with my peace of mind and I have also recently started counseling so I can hopefully learn better ways to communicate in frustrating situations aka when my husband neglects me and blatantly disregards my feelings for 3 years. Any thoughts or suggestions would be helpful... thanks for taking the time to read my post...

Last edited by Ariel; 11/07/14 06:48 AM. Reason: New thread created
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Welcome to MB. When were you on the radio?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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end of Aug 2014...only a week before my husband decided to leave. Really wish I found MB sooner... frown

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How long have you been married? Do you have any children? Do you have any children together?

Is he still having an affair?

Who is OW?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Hi jniang, welcome to Marriage Builders. I would go into Plan B asap. Change your locks, line up an intermediary and send him a letter. He will stop helping you financially, you can count on this so you should file for legal divorce or separation to protect yourself. Don't sit around in limbo waiting to be his "option." It is extremely unattractive and makes it less likely your marriage will recover.

Take back control of your life.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Brainhurts: we met in Sep 2009, married in Sep 2011. I have 2 kids from a previous relationship and he does not have any of his own. and yes that would be me on the radio clip. I have no solid evidence that he has ever had an affair, just my intuition and at this point i don't know how I would even go about verifying if that were true or not.

MelodyLane: I feel like filing for divorce myself is the exact opposite from what I want for us...that to me signifies that I am giving up. while I do want to regain control of my life and my emotions I would prefer doing so with my husband. I am starting to take the steps that I need to take on a personal level to regain control of myself by going to church and starting individual counseling. I feel like he planned B me instead of the other way around which makes me feel like me writing him a letter is a mute point in the Plan B process. Had he been aware of MB and Plan B, I should have expected to get a letter from him since he decided to leave first...so confused.

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You've seen this? How to Plan B Correctly


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by jniang
MelodyLane: I feel like filing for divorce myself is the exact opposite from what I want for us...that to me signifies that I am giving up. while I do want to regain control of my life and my emotions I would prefer doing so with my husband. I am starting to take the steps that I need to take on a personal level to regain control of myself by going to church and starting individual counseling. I feel like he planned B me instead of the other way around which makes me feel like me writing him a letter is a mute point in the Plan B process. Had he been aware of MB and Plan B, I should have expected to get a letter from him since he decided to leave first...so confused.

jniang, I understand that you don't want a divorce and that is not the point. The point is to make sure that you are protected financially.

It is not a moot point to send him a plan B letter. He obviously cannot "plan B" you since he is the wayward. You should send him a Plan B letter and go into a DARK separation. You can't have him coming in and out of your home at will. That will tear you down emotionally. AND it makes you look much less attractive if you are hanging around waiting for the occasional crumb from him.

The way that you regain control of your life is to excise your husband from your life entirely until he is ready to commit to the marriage. Hanging around like you have been makes it LESS LIKELY you will ever reconcile because it makes you look so unattractive.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Also, is there a reason you haven't done some snooping and found out who the affair is with? That is something that most people uncover in 2 days.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Okay Dr. Harley said back in August you need to get into Plan B. As Melodylane has pointed out that you need to get into Plan B now. He will have to still provide financially.

Do you have someone who can be your IM? In the Plan B thread there are Plan B templates to help you with the Plan B Letter.

Can you get the locks changed today?

We can help you, but you need to follow the Plan.

Have you been to see a lawyer?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Brainhurts: Thanks for the link, I skimmed through it and it seems to have alot of helpful info. I take the time to thouroughly read through it all soon. The example letters I'm sure will prove useful to me as MelodyLane has suggested I still do.

MelodyLane: I have already consulted with a divorce lawyer as Dr. Harley suggested should be my first step. I was basically told that since my husband and I dont have any assets together, we dont own our own home, etc there isnt anything financially binding us to one another and that I wouldnt be entitled to any sort of financial support especially since our marriage was so short lived so I'm not sure I agree how filing for divorce myself would create an "upperhand" for me. I can agree however, with the points you've made that writing and sendig him a PBL and then go "dark" can possibly be beneficial. In all that I've heard from listening to the radio shows...I don't recall Dr. harley ever suggesting to file and do Plan B simuntaneously. As for snooping, he makes it very difficult to do so. He is and has always been a very private person. I've snooped through his laptop/ipad as that was accesible to me...found nothing. I was never able to snoop through his phone as it was always attached to him with a passcode. Aside from stalking my husband and following his every move (which i have not done) I don't know what else i could have done at the time to verify if an affair was actually happening or not. Now that he has moved out, I more so now dont know how to verify what is really going on or what I am dealing with.

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Brainhurst: it was only a week after Dr Harley reccomended I get into Plan B when he decided to leave. needless to say Sep was an "emotionally disabling" month for me. If you listened to my segment on the show, then you are aware that I had a vaca trip planned for the 1st 2 wks in Oct. I contemplated not going at all but then I decided that I could use the time away given the circumstances. My life still had to go on as far as my own job and being a mom and scrambling to make arrangements for my children while I would be away since I no longer could count on my husband in that manner. Needless to say with all of that Sep got away from me. The trip away really helped clear my head, I came back home somewhat refreshed and from that decided to seek out counseling for myself and started going to church.

I'm not sure who in my life would be a good IM for us. I dont have many that are close to me that I can trust would follow the expectations that an IM should follow. I have 2 very close friends who are well aware of my marriage situation, 1 is a possibilty that I would have to discuss. The other I feel would not be a good fit on my husbands side to remain neutral.

I am not sure about the locks today, I will have to discuss with my landlord first. Good thing is is that I am the only one on the lease here.

Yes, I've consulted with a lawyer but was basically told that I shouldnt expect to get any financial assistance/alimony if we divorce since our marriage was so short and we dont have any shared assets. not very helpful or comforting. so at this poing, I feel dependent upon him as far as him agreeing to continue paying his half of the rent here. At this point he has agreed to continue doing so until this coming spring/beginning of summer.

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Originally Posted by jniang
Brainhurts: Thanks for the link, I skimmed through it and it seems to have alot of helpful info. I take the time to thouroughly read through it all soon. The example letters I'm sure will prove useful to me as MelodyLane has suggested I still do.

MelodyLane: I have already consulted with a divorce lawyer as Dr. Harley suggested should be my first step. I was basically told that since my husband and I dont have any assets together, we dont own our own home, etc there isnt anything financially binding us to one another and that I wouldnt be entitled to any sort of financial support especially since our marriage was so short lived so I'm not sure I agree how filing for divorce myself would create an "upperhand" for me. I can agree however, with the points you've made that writing and sendig him a PBL and then go "dark" can possibly be beneficial. In all that I've heard from listening to the radio shows...I don't recall Dr. harley ever suggesting to file and do Plan B simuntaneously. As for snooping, he makes it very difficult to do so. He is and has always been a very private person. I've snooped through his laptop/ipad as that was accesible to me...found nothing. I was never able to snoop through his phone as it was always attached to him with a passcode. Aside from stalking my husband and following his every move (which i have not done) I don't know what else i could have done at the time to verify if an affair was actually happening or not. Now that he has moved out, I more so now dont know how to verify what is really going on or what I am dealing with.

Going into Plan B and filing puts you in control of your situation, rather than waiting to see what your H will do. Plan B will separate you from the pain of his affair and protect your health.

Can you hire a PI to find out what is going on? Once you have hard evidence of an affair, you can do an effective exposure, letting everyone know the truth and obtaining support for yourself and for your marriage.

Just because you file doesn't mean there will never be any hope for a future marriage with this man.

Plan B will bring you a great deal of peace and separate you from the pain your H is causing you. Dr. Harley has suggested that a spouse file AND go into Plan B simultaneously, if that's what the situation calls for. If you can't get financial support, you will at least get legal support for ensuring he can't come into your home whenever he desires.


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I would love to be able to hire a PI but I'm not sure my finances can afford one, however I do intend on researching this avenue further.

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Once you are divorced- then he would have no legal reason to support you BUT
While you are Going Through the divorce- you have to maintain the status quo & support your spouse. This is how it supports you.

The court would Order him while you are going through divorce to support you financially/ health insurance etc in the same manner he is now.

Does that make sense.....


BW-3 Kids
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Divorced

"I was not delivered unto this world in defeat, nor does failure course in my veins. I am not a sheep waiting to be prodded by my shepherd. I am a lion and I refuse to talk, to walk, to sleep with the sheep. I will hear not those who weep and complain, for their disease is contagious. Let them join the sheep. The slaughterhouse of failure is not my destiny.
I will persist until I succeed." Og Mandino
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I understand what you are saying however the lawyer I consulted with didnt really mention what the courts would require of him between filing and the divorce being finalized. How long of a court process is a divorce from start to finish anyhow? I can't imagine it would take very long in my case since there is nothing to split between us and there are no custody issues since my kids are not biologically his. I feel it would just be a matter of setting a court date once a petition for divorce is filed. At this point he has paid his half of the rent only in the last 2 mo that he has not been living with me but that probably wont last beyond spring of 2015 since thats what he has so far agreed to. (He has not agreed to pay any other bills we previously shared)

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Originally Posted by jniang
In all that I've heard from listening to the radio shows...I don't recall Dr. harley ever suggesting to file and do Plan B simuntaneously.

Of course he does. You would to file to get legal protection.

Quote
As for snooping, he makes it very difficult to do so. He is and has always been a very private person. I've snooped through his laptop/ipad as that was accesible to me...found nothing.

You need to step it up here and try harder. He is living with the OW. You can have him followed or arrange to get a GPS on his car when he is at work or when he stops by.

You can also get someone to follow him home from work, but you need to figure this out. It is not "stalking" to find out where your husband lives.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by jniang
I'm not sure who in my life would be a good IM for us. I dont have many that are close to me that I can trust would follow the expectations that an IM should follow. I have 2 very close friends who are well aware of my marriage situation, 1 is a possibilty that I would have to discuss. The other I feel would not be a good fit on my husbands side to remain neutral.

Jsut choose who you feel would do the best job. You need a person who is not gullible and who will protect you. The person does not need to BE neutral, but needs to agree to take a neutral stance and just act as a SPAM filter.

Quote
I am not sure about the locks today, I will have to discuss with my landlord first. Good thing is is that I am the only one on the lease here.

Just let him know what is going on. Your husband has left you and keeps walking in at will. You need to keep him out.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by jniang
I would love to be able to hire a PI but I'm not sure my finances can afford one, however I do intend on researching this avenue further.

Good girl!! Have him followed. It is very likely he is living with the ow.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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