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reviewing my thread again I realized I missed some posts...

Unwritten: my funds are extremely limited right now, check to check, penny to penny. Where my H works and goes to the gym is 45 min away from where I live which is the only place I'd be able to follow him from as a starting point. I tried to follow him last night in fact but didn't have much luck for very long. It was too dark and I eventually lost sight of him.

I only have access to phone records prior to May 2014 of this year when we shared an account and I have reviewed those already in the past but most were random one off #'s since he uses his cell for client calls for his job. I'll review them again though to see if anything stands out this time around and use the reverse look up sites if need be.

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Of course I want to know whats going on! I want to know his reasoning for wanting to leave whether there is OW or if he just felt his love bank was too far in the negative for him to bother. I would have liked to know his inner thoughts throughout our marriage so that I could have better understood him but beyond what he needed from me that would satisfy his OCD tendencies aka anything emotional, he was never willing to share and if I was never aware of them how was I ever expected to be able to change them for him. I have been completely distraught over this whole mess my marriage turned out to be. had I been aware of MB 3 years ago or even prior to being married, I would have implemented the concepts then while we were still in love and both willing to make each other happy. I unfortunately didn't have a crystal ball then and I don't have one now... frown

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I used the link the MelodayLane provided for 1 phone # I've thought to be suspicious in the past and got a name, I've spent the last hr or so googling/facebooking etc different people with the same name in my surrounding area and none are familiar to me, there was nothing that stood out to me information wise on posts.comments etc. that would link any of them with my H. My H is and always has been extremely private even in our dating years well before anything went sour so I feel like I wouldn't find much on the www. Any suggestions now on what to do with this name that may not even be anything at all?

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garak: His car is in his name solely. So another dead end for me I'm afraid. Prior to this ordeal, I have never been a concrete believer but as you can imagine once I started to really feel like my marriage was falling apart I started searching and then when my H decided to leave I found myself at church one Sunday and the Pastor preached exactly that! That God brings heartache and suffering into ones life to draw you closer to his strength. I've gone through my share of struggles where it felt like a black cloud was constantly hovering above me but I've never in my life been this heartbroken/depressed enough to ever really "seek" God out long enough for me to finally truly believe. They say God knows your entire life's path, start to finish and that there is meaning to everything, and with that said I really believe that God brought my H into my life as a last resort so to speak to get me to finally believe in him...now that I do I pray that God will help draw my H back to God as well and back to our marriage. My H was a strong believer all along...and I often wonder since he decided to leave if that was part of his reasonings. Because I didnt at the time believe and therefore didnt understand how God would expect me to act or lead my life. I have been studying the bible ever since, going to church whenever I can, praying to God and I can say that I do feel Gods peace and strength upon me.

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As I read the article, "How to Deal with a Quarrelsome and Nagging Wife" I thought to myself that this article was written specifically about me and my H. It's ironic that Dr. Harley mentions 3 different stages a nagging wife (sadly me) would go through before getting to the full blown angry outbursts. And it is true that outside of my H, I can contain myself. I also read the entire chapter 21 of Proverbs where a few verses jumped off the pages.

Verse 9: It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman in a wide house.
*This stood out to me because my H would often seclude himself in our bedroom or in our office when he was home, not wanted to spend any time with each other.

Verse 16: It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and angry woman.
*This stood out to me as well because my H would literally work 24/7, rarely ever take a day off and when he did it he would be sure to take a day off on a day he knew I had to work, and when he wasn't at work he would be at the gym 5 days a week. He chose to be home as little as he possibly could.

Verse 23: Whoso keepeth his mouth and his tongue keepeth his soul from troubles.
*This stood out to me because my husband avoided conversation, avoided resolving conflict but he neglected to realize that his constant disregard for my concerns and ultimately my happiness contributed to the ever so gradual monster I have become towards him.

Suppose this is the very reason that my H decided to leave and not what everyone (including myself) wants to first assume that my H is having an affair, can there still be hope at repairing my marriage even now that I have driven him away. How can I help him see that his negligent ways towards me was a feeding ground for the monster within?

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Well, I think a good step is that you learn to control "the monster within you."

The Bible also tells us that if we repent of our sins and accept Christ as our Savior then we will be baptized with the fire of the Holy Spirit.
That is God's spirit dwelling within us and the Bible explains that we become the temple of the Holy Spirit. There is no room for monsters in the temple of God's spirit.
We need to be right with God.


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Forsaken1,

Have you tried writing him a letter? a heartfelt one explaining what you just did here, with the verses and perhaps your own examples of how you will in the future work to correct each of those? It can be very humbling but I had to do the same trying to reconcile my marraige (hubby in midst of an EA now ending). I will say, much as I hate it, owning up to your own part of things in writing may be painful but it can open the door to discussion with the other person about how things can be better. I am still upset about the sitch I'm dealing with but I'm learning to handle my anger and disappointment better than I ever would have imagined, much because of what I've learned here and from church.

If he's not divorced you yet, I'd say there is hope and even then, people get remarried every day. Men I think are so shocked when a woman admits she's wrong (esp in writing, how often do they have PROOF? LOL) that they tend to feel the truth in your words if written in love.

I would propose that as a start, are you still in contact?

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I have admitted to my known faults to him and to myself but he was never willing to self reflect and admit to his own faults. There was a verse I read a few nights ago...which one escapes me now but it basically said that with every action there is a consequence. Dr. Harley's article speaks of it as well, "woman whose H continue to ignore their complaints" Don't misunderstand me, I realize that it was my choice to eventually react the way I did towards him but I only wish that he would acknowledge that his choices contributed to it as well. Two made it disastrous and two can also make it wonderful again. The difference now is that I have Dr. Harley's concepts to use as a tool so that I can feel heard and considered but those tools can only work when both my H and I are using them hand in hand.

I haven't given him a letter yet although I have started many numerous times including a PBL most recently based on the advice from others here in the forum that I hope to finish soon. I have tried to talk with him a couple times in these last 2 mo and sent him a few long winded texts where I expressed to him that I am taking the steps that I can on my own to avoid my own anger and disappointment. I have excepted God as my savior, I've started going to church, I've started reading the bible (most nights I cant put it down) I've even started to go to counseling. He is aware of all of that, but still hasn't been open for discussion. Part of me feels that he may be weary of my "new found faith" since it is new for me he probably thinks it is some sort of ploy to persuade him back into my life. I know and God knows that that is not the case but my H will not ever know that to be truth if he doesn't allow himself to follow his own faith by having faith in our marriage. It's been almost 3 weeks now since we've been in contact and prior to that was only a couple times...mostly about finances, mail of his etc but nothing about us as a couple. I know he hasn't filed for Divorce yet so I hang onto that as a sign of hope from him...

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Originally Posted by Forsaken1
I used the link the MelodayLane provided for 1 phone # I've thought to be suspicious in the past and got a name, I've spent the last hr or so googling/facebooking etc different people with the same name in my surrounding area and none are familiar to me, there was nothing that stood out to me information wise on posts.comments etc. that would link any of them with my H. My H is and always has been extremely private even in our dating years well before anything went sour so I feel like I wouldn't find much on the www. Any suggestions now on what to do with this name that may not even be anything at all?
You verified a name to this number?

It's a female? Were there alot of communication between the two?

Did you check the name on spokeo to find out who this is?


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Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Forsaken, haven't you been advised to go to Plan B?

This is not the time to be reflecting on your nagging. This is not the time to be trying to figure out how to get through to him.

Is your Plan B letter written?


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What to do with an Angry Husband

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Originally Posted by Forsaken1
Suppose this is the very reason that my H decided to leave and not what everyone (including myself) wants to first assume that my H is having an affair,

Nope - it is always the affair.

In recovering a marriage, you have to prioritize problems and begin with the worst, first. If there is an affair, that is the worst problem. In my marriage there were lots of problems but Dr. Harley told me we could make no progress on them until I learned to eliminate my angry outbursts - that was the worst problem, and there was no sense harping on my wife to correct the problems on her side until I had done that. In the same way, the glaring problem in your marriage is his affair, and while it's important to express a willingness to overcome the problems you are causing, nothing can really be done until he ends contact with his affair partner for life.

Quote
can there still be hope at repairing my marriage even now that I have driven him away.

Nope, you didn't drive him away. That idea is a favorite mind control trick of affairees to blame their deeds on others. It's as if you lobbed a hand grenade into the marriage and he responded with a nuclear weapon. Got to clean up the fallout first. What small problems you had, he introduced problems that make those pale in significance.

Quote
How can I help him see that his negligent ways towards me was a feeding ground for the monster within?

People don't cause each other to have affairs or to be demanding, disrespectful, or angry. That is a choice each person makes. There are other choices people can make that are far better, like separation.

Please stick to one thread so we can help look at your total situation, not just one aspect.


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If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Hi Forsaken,

Yes, please go into Plan B at this point. It does take two to weaken a marriage, but at this point, he is not going to be receptive to any of your behavior change because his behavior is so appalling. I went down this rabbit hole for a few months as well, completely taking on the pain of my husband's affair and blaming myself for everything. But this is not the time to do that. You can only really think clearly about your part in this and what he needs to do if you are emotionally stable and Plan B is the only way to get there.


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Merged threads. Please stick to one thread.


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