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Joined: Jun 2011
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Help,

It is your decision of course. I'm just a bit curious about what that decision actually is?

If I understand right; you've said you are staying for your son, which is laudable, but puzzling. What is your son gaining from your staying married in this particular situation? What's the goal here?

I cannot even imagine putting myself through the pain of a false recovery voluntarily; so you must have some high goal for such high sacrifice.

Whatever your goal is, I will be thinking of you on Monday.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Indie,

Markos/Prisca: leave her, or win her over to MB

Melody/Dr. Harley: Plan B or Divorce


I suppose my plan is "monitor and adjust".


Thank you.

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Originally Posted By: SusieQ
Originally Posted By: helpfordad

"I am not taking part in a cult any more that tells me I'm weak and all situations are dealt with the same."


Originally Posted By: helpfordad
HFM:

"HFD, only this cult would tell you that job is dangerous to us, even though it's been over 4 years. I focus on you and the kids, but you focus on him. He might be married for all I know. You need help. I think you are truly crazy and I am becoming scared of telling you the truth. You talk about him so much with this job you should date him."

Very nice...


Originally Posted By: helpfordad
I have to sign off for a little while, but I'll end with this:

"HFD, I don't care about Dr. H so don't bring him into our marriage...I'm not interested in what he has to say. I'm sorry you feel I don't care about you, however you will not dictate where I can work because of an event 4 years ago. You need to focus on now. I resent you..."


Has she changed her position? My sense from reading these quotes and from what Dr Harley had to say is that she will not want anything to do with MB if it does not support her IB.



Originally Posted By: helpfordad
I should not have posted our conversation.

I was frazzled when I did, and that dialogue was between us, in the middle of an emotional disagreement.



What are you saying?

That she has retracted these statements and is "on board" with MB? Doesn't think we are a cult anymore and not scoffing at Dr Harley's advice for your M anymore?


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
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Originally Posted By: helpfordad
Indie,

Markos/Prisca: leave her, or win her over to MB

Melody/Dr. Harley: Plan B or Divorce


I suppose my plan is "monitor and adjust".


Thank you.


I think everyone here will recommend you follow what Dr Harley said. He's the expert after all and IMO you are pulling things out of context that posters said from before he gave you his advice.

Besides....saying, well, it's either win her or Plan B/D is short sighted.

The whole point of Dr Harley's post to you is the same quoted paragraph I gave you from the AA meeting wife. A F?WS that tramples on your feelings and rejects POJA is going to either have an affair or do something else make your life miserable (as you are seeing now).

If you want to ignore Dr Harley's advice, of course, that is your decision. But just remember YOU are signing up for this. I hate some of your wishy-washy posting making it seem your W is still working MB with you, because that's NOT the case and denial isn't going to help you make good decisions.

Dr Harley is basically telling you that you are staying married to someone who is going to disregard your feelings over and over again. So the next time you are feeling frustrated because your W did this that or another thing...just remember YOU are the one who has accepted this way of life. That's on you, not even on your W anymore.


Ddays 2007 and 2011
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If on Monday she says she won't participate in the online coaching, then on Wednesday she says she will, then it's not me being wishy-washy.

I know she wants to stay married, I know she doesn't want me to divorce her. And I know that if I say to you that she said she'll "do anything" to protect the marriage and not have me leave, that she cries, that she feels angst about the job as well, that unless "do anything" results in leaving that job, you will classify it as just words from a FWS.

I understand that due to my choice, I am accepting the consequences of NOT doing Plan B or NOT doing Divorce and, consequently, the MB program seems futile in my case, and it's obvious I am and will continue to be a waste of time and energy for those who post here.

Anyway, if or when I decide to "follow" the MB program by deciding to complete the online coaching, or Plan B, or Divorce, or hfm leaves that job at that location, or hfm has another affair and I come back for help and "we told ya so's", then at that point I'll take time to touch base with an update or a cry of despair.

Until then, I do thank you for all of your guidance. I appreciate that all of you have good intentions and are motivated by the opportunity to build strong marriages.

Please be well.

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Originally Posted By: helpfordad


I understand that due to my choice, I am accepting the consequences of NOT doing Plan B or NOT doing Divorce and, consequently, the MB program seems futile in my case, and it's obvious I am and will continue to be a waste of time and energy for those who post here.


It's not a waste of time, guy.

You haven't hit rock bottom yet, that's all.

When you do, you'll realize that you should have a say in how your marriage is run and that leaving it all up to the whims of your wife isn't helping you. You'll hit the red before too long, there's no way that your $LB can survive with these triggers.

And it sure as hell isn't helping the child at home, because he's watching what y'all do and is going to model that in his own relationships.

Your wife's behavior irritates me, much like the waywards of stretch, AndyM and Reynolds did. I wish that it would bother you just as much, so that you'd take a very active role in saying "enough of this crap" and not settle for Plan Doormat.

Women do not respect those that let them walk all over them. Just saying!


Me (BH)
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Married 2000, DS 8, DD 6, DD 2

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Originally Posted By: helpfordad
If on Monday she says she won't participate in the online coaching, then on Wednesday she says she will, then it's not me being wishy-washy.

I know she wants to stay married, I know she doesn't want me to divorce her. And I know that if I say to you that she said she'll "do anything" to protect the marriage and not have me leave, that she cries, that she feels angst about the job as well, that unless "do anything" results in leaving that job, you will classify it as just words from a FWS.

I understand that due to my choice, I am accepting the consequences of NOT doing Plan B or NOT doing Divorce and, consequently, the MB program seems futile in my case, and it's obvious I am and will continue to be a waste of time and energy for those who post here.

Anyway, if or when I decide to "follow" the MB program by deciding to complete the online coaching, or Plan B, or Divorce, or hfm leaves that job at that location, or hfm has another affair and I come back for help and "we told ya so's", then at that point I'll take time to touch base with an update or a cry of despair.

Until then, I do thank you for all of your guidance. I appreciate that all of you have good intentions and are motivated by the opportunity to build strong marriages.

Please be well.


I think I see what you mean by 'monitor and adjust'. You are seeing more than one side to her. There is an apparent remorseful side too; even if it is not half strong enough or nearly good enough. Its hard for you to walk away when there seems to be hope.

Everyone is saying don't get sucked into that: into not good enough. But I think I see from your words that you are not dismissing the options forever.

I think the time is not too far away when you may need these options more than you need hope.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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You realize she's now saying she'll do the coaching because she got what she wants (the job) and she's throwing you a bone? She squeezes out some tears just to make you feel like she sort of cares about how you feel? But she still got her way and you capitulated.

I know you've worked hard but all this time, you've been so anxious to keep the marriage together, you've let her run roughshod all over you.

This is going to eat you alive.

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Quote:
If on Monday she says she won't participate in the online coaching, then on Wednesday she says she will, then it's not me being wishy-washy.

If on Thursday you did not sign up for the online coaching, then yes, you are wishy washy.


Markos' Wife
FWW - EA
8 kids ...
What to do with an Angry Husband

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***EDIT***

Last edited by Toujours; 09/30/14 03:46 PM. Reason: Disruptive
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HFD,

I think you are signing out of here because your pride has been hurt. You have had brow beatings from Melody and Suzie and others, and Jedi has nailed you for good reason. I think that the main problem you are facing is your decision not to move and allowing for the possibility of you w encountering her OM again.

Bottom line is that I hope you decide to return here and discuss further.

Take care and you will have my prayers,

Tom

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If you have a problem with a post, notify the moderators. Do not disrupt a thread by trying to moderate other posters. Leave the moderating to the moderators.


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How are things?


Me (BH)
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Married 2000, DS 8, DD 6, DD 2

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Just a note to wish all of you a Happy New Year, and best wishes for a healthy and loving 2015!

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How are things?

And happynewyr


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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