Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 2 of 2 1 2
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 13
O
onyx87 Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
O
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 13
So I'm realizing that i'm forcing him all the time... I agree.

Ok, so I will stop and let him do his own thing. But what do I do when all he likes to do is be a homebody?

I feel bad for making him do things that he won't like. What should I do when I'll then be stuck at home with him in silence all day? I won't stay sane anymore

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by onyx87
Originally Posted by black_raven
Quote
...lets me go out without question.

Where are you going out to?

Welcome to MB


I meant like lunch dates with friends and girls night out, etc ("go out")

Thanks smile

You go out at night partying without him?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by onyx87
So I'm realizing that i'm forcing him all the time... I agree.

Ok, so I will stop and let him do his own thing. But what do I do when all he likes to do is be a homebody?

No, I don't mean for him to do his "own thing." I mean for you to start working with him to find things to do that you enjoy together. It sounds to me like he avoiding you which is what a spouse does when they are being controlled. Find things to do that you BOTH LOVE and then clean up your behavior so you can both enjoy each others company.

Quote
I feel bad for making him do things that he won't like. What should I do when I'll then be stuck at home with him in silence all day? I won't stay sane anymore

Find a THIRD alternative.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 13
O
onyx87 Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
O
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 13
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by onyx87
Originally Posted by black_raven
Quote
...lets me go out without question.

Where are you going out to?

Welcome to MB


I meant like lunch dates with friends and girls night out, etc ("go out")

Thanks smile

You go out at night partying without him?


That's not al the time, but on the rare occasion. I tried to take him with me, he hated it, so I didn't force him. He hates going out, so he lets me. It was like our little agreement.

Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 6,108
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 6,108
Originally Posted by onyx87
Sometimes it feels like the only reason I am with him is because we have a child together.

He may feel the same way. His reluctance to move out of his parent's house may be because of that...that he's unhappy and doesn't want to invest more.

You have a number of problems going on.

Are you two affectionate with one another?

Where are you going on a girls' night out?


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by onyx87
[
That's not al the time, but on the rare occasion. I tried to take him with me, he hated it, so I didn't force him. He hates going out, so he lets me. It was like our little agreement.

That should stop immediately. Going out like a single girl is a disaster to marriages. It creates incompatibility, emotional detachment and often leads to affairs. You are at a high risk of having an affair as it is.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
I
Member
Offline
Member
I
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
Originally Posted by onyx87
You go out at night partying without him?

That's not al the time, but on the rare occasion. I tried to take him with me, he hated it, so I didn't force him. He hates going out, so he lets me. It was like our little agreement.


How very hurtful.

That's why he says yes when he wants to say no.

You've made it perfectly clear a night out is far more important than your marriage.


Last edited by indiegirl; 01/08/15 01:27 PM.

What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 13
O
onyx87 Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
O
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 13
lol going out to me is going to get a beer and getting home before 11pm, or going to a friend's house for dinner. I'm not even interested i affairs. Would rather stay single if I ever was.

Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
I
Member
Offline
Member
I
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
Nobody is 'interested in affairs'

However there are men there who value the same interests you do while you purposely put distance between yourself and your husband.

You're not seeking an affair, just sleepwalking into one.

Even if you were not your husband must be aware that you view him as boring and the people at the bar as better.

They are your priority over him.



What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 13
O
onyx87 Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
O
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 13
I'll try talking to him. Guess my way is just controlling him and I never realized it. Never wanted that. Maybe he doesn't like it and so he's closing off. I'l see what happens after our conversation. Thank you everyone for taking your time to help me wink

Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
I
Member
Offline
Member
I
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
You could easily sell him on this plan and ask him to meet your need for interesting conversation.

It's extremely common for women to have that need but not men.


If he no longer had to endure some of this stuff he would probably be very motivated to try.



What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 6,108
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 6,108
Quote
He didn�t used to be like this when we met. We are together for 9 years now, married for 5 and have a 5 year old boy� but live with his parents and I�m going insane because of this.

Have you two ever lived on your own? Based on this ^^^ it looks like you started dating at 18 and either went straight (or pretty close) to his parent's house with a child. Did you live together before you married?


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by onyx87
lol going out to me is going to get a beer and getting home before 11pm, or going to a friend's house for dinner. I'm not even interested i affairs. Would rather stay single if I ever was.

This is what people say who have affairs. They are the most vulnerable because they believe they are immune.

Part of the reason you and your husband are so very detached is because you lead an independent lifestyle.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 13
O
onyx87 Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
O
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 13
Originally Posted by black_raven
Quote
He didn�t used to be like this when we met. We are together for 9 years now, married for 5 and have a 5 year old boy� but live with his parents and I�m going insane because of this.

Have you two ever lived on your own? Based on this ^^^ it looks like you started dating at 18 and either went straight (or pretty close) to his parent's house with a child. Did you live together before you married?


not really, never had the chance to

Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
Did you read the information on love Busters yet?

Did you read the "How to create your own plan" thread that was posted to you?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Page 2 of 2 1 2

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,071 guests, and 57 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5