Hi All,

I've read The good Doctor's book 3 times now and have taken a great deal of comfort and advice with the explanations for surviving an affair. Can I 1st state that I love my wife without question but must admit my lovebank for her is nearing empty.

My own story begins about 18 months ago when my WW started a new business here in the UK which turned out to be quite successful. Shortly after this time I felt we were drifting apart emotionally and I had a feeling that all was not well within our marriage. My situation is very similar to the "Sue, John and Greg story in the book".

I attempted to communicate our problems with my WW but unbeknownst to me she had taken a lover 17 years her senior and started an adulterous affair. My wife is 42 and I am abut 6 months older. We have 2 children (girls 10 and 6). The OM was connected professionally to this business and the affair continued until my discovery about 9 months later. I confronted my WW after investigating but got the usual stock answers of nothing happened, we're just friends, close friends etc. 300 telephone calls at all times of day and night in 1 month alone etc.

I knew differently after investigating the affair fully. She had slept with him on a number of occasions and travelled to his yacht during office hours when I was away working.

I decided to expose the affair to some friends and relatives after my WW announced she was leaving me to "find out what she wanted to do with herself!" She left the family home, pursued a separation and took my two children about 6 months ago. Only 2 friends have offered to help me and in fact I have been accused of being a nasty, vindictive a horrible man for exposing the affair (while using a template letter from this very site.) That did shock me. In the main most have cited "not my problem" as the stock answer. Good friends how are you?

It was around this time I discovered that 3 of her so called friends were also having affairs of various different types and situations. They appear to goad and support/cover up for each other. Strange but true!

It is ironic that her Mother did the same thing to her father about 35 years ago ending her own marriage at that time. A case of Monkey sees, Monkey does, I think. She said to my wife that she never like me despite the fact we were together for 20 years (nice eh?). Her father says that we are old enough to sort things out and despite what happened to him 35 years ago(which wrecked his marriage), he is backing his daughter. Her other sibling has asked her to give up this man but in the main doesn't want anything to do with me or this situation.

When I 1st confronted my WW she told her Mother the truth obviously because there was always going to be empathy there and told her father lies as he was a man of morals (or so I thought).

I instigated plan A but not until 3 months after she left (just found the Doc's book at that time). Before Christmas 2014 I was able to find out that this professional was still involved with the business and decided to move on to plan b. Unfortunately I was very angry and upset and threatened to divorce when she stepped in and asked me if it was "what I really wanted?" I said no but she wasn't able to tell me what she wanted. I believed that she was still in the fog with this man, who by the way at this stage was playing with her emotions and he wasn't interested in her, preferring to stay with his current wife. He said he had too much to lose. He implied that he would use her physically but not leave his wife for mine!

I then exposed the affair to the OMW and she refused to accept it. I then wrote to OMW and exposed again with facts, dates etc. Again no response from either OM or OMW? It was at this point I became aware that the other man was an habitual adulterer and had been divorced previously in his 30's. He was violent man and had assaulted my wife although my proof could not be used (long story) against him.

I then wrote to his company Directors (he is a Senior Director) and shareholders plus a small list of friends and family. I was met with a lawyers letter from my wife saying that she was contacting the Police for harassment under advice from her lawyer. She would then take out a NON-Molestation order (UK civil order)against me forbidding any further harassment. Can I add that I haven't seen, spoke or visited my wife since before Christmas 2014. I didn't write to her either or threatened her (or the OM/OMW) in any way. I am a peace loving individual. I apologised for writing letters and have undertaken to cease all writing to friends and family and the Order has not being persued further.

My lawyer said it could be seen as harassment under UK law writing any further letters.

I exposed this to my children whom are 10 & 6 (going on 11 & 7) in a respectful and simple way also. My wife says I am using the kids as a weapon. I explain not.

I am expecting the divorce petition any day now via post as her lawyer has promised and I wonder if anyone would care to offer some advice, help and prayers for my WW, my children and I at this difficult time.

My wife is filing (petitioning in the UK) for divorce citing my unreasonable behaviour (writing letters of exposure). If it wasn't serious you could laugh about it!

My efforts to save my marriage lie before me in ruins.

Any advice for me friends?

Ding_dong

Are you 100% sure that your letters to the POSOM's Betrayed Wife actually got to her and were not intercepted by the POSOM?

Could you post a Redacted version of your exposure letters that you sent out to each party, especially to the OM's BW and to the Corporate Board Members?

Why does she have sole physical custody of the children?

How much visitation time do you get to see them and do you participate in their school aad extracurricular activities?

What were your WW's main justifiable complaints about you that actually hold water and what have you done to change?

Besides the SAA Book, I would also recomment buying the Love Busters Book to make sure you do not commit ANY Love Bank Withdrawals, with the exception of fighting the affair.

LTL

I would not fight the divorce but I would make sure to protect your custodial rights, children and property as much as possible. That the POSOM is a violent, serial cheater who flat out told WW he would just use her and not leave his wife and now she is threatening you with harrassment...IMO your WW is sooooo far out there to hang on to that sort of person that I don't see her changing (and maybe she won't) until she feels the consequences of her affair/choices and maybe gets ran over a few dozen. You should stay in Plan B.

You should be proud of the efforts you made. Unfortunately some people just don't care and others will be supporters.

Sorry for your pain, D_D. Welcome to MB

I can't offer much advice beyond what LTL has offered. I can relate though. My WW has filed for divorce and we have children; I am still in plan A.

The harassment claims seem to be pretty common for waywards. My WW threatened me with harassment several times due to exposure. I used the format from MB for my letters as well. My WW was never able to make anything of her harassment claims; I am in the U.S. though. Another poster on MB just defeated a restraining order brought against him by his WW. The order seemed to be a vindictive attempt to punish him for exposure.

My WW has often told me that the biggest reason she will never consider recovering our marriage is my exposing of her affair. Lately however, she has not been mentioning it in favor of citing my various failures as a husband which were never as awful as she now remembers them(I admit I was hard to live with though) . Every wayward seems to go nuts after exposure, try not to let it shake you up.

My WW also accused me of trying to use the kids against her. It's another standard of the wayward playbook. You said that you explained to your WW that you weren't. I wouldn't be surprised if that explanation was filled with love busters. It's difficult to defend yourself from things like that without belittling her feelings. You should definitely read the book Love Busters.

It's good that you have an attorney but keep in mind that he is going to advise you to do the safest possible thing(legally) at all times. Your lawyer will not be living the rest of his life with the consequences from this situation.

Hi Folks,

well it looks like I have my answer. My wife has filed for divorce, complained to the police about harassment because I exposed via email and letter. I have been silenced under threat of charges and issued with PIN - Police Information notice(Uk draconian warning not to continue with any contact). Her affair partner also made a complaint about my exposure effectively stopping me from going any further. I visited the Police station voluntarily and declined to be interviewed as there was no evidence offered by the complainants.

I find myself a mere passenger in her divorce petition and she is hell bent on ending the marriage. I am in plan b and remain there.

It is very sad but still have a small amount of hope.

Thank you all for your support and advice 😊

Ding_Dong.

Hi, I'm positive letters got through. I believe this man to a serial beater. He was divorced earlier life again adultery.

Letters were standard Dr.Harley type but I'd rather not publish.

We share custody of the children and she hasn't stopped me from seeing them but denies me any extra time like last Friday despite being busy at work. She had to get her Dad to pick ip the kids. This was designed to hurt me as I am very close to my two children but I understand what is doing. We no longer communicate directly which is good for me at this time. My wife is the primary carer and I see the children 4 nights a fortnight.

My children love coming to stay with me, they tell me it's because I do fun stuff with them and they love me. My wife is depressed and taking medication to help. She does little with the children but this has been the hallmark of her own upbringing.

She has a point. I was difficult to live with and more focussed on maintaining the lifestyle that she wanted rather care for her emotional needs. Equally she didn't do a lot for me emotionally either. Two children take their toll on any marriage and we drifted apart. Sex life was non existent and I resented her for that hence my poor behaviour towards her. Two of her friends are also having multiple affairs so it's a bit of monkey sees, monkeys does I suppose. I might add that her mother did the same thing to her Dad over 35 years ago and he has never moved on merely becoming a hermit type. Sad situation but I am a happy, positive person and will move on regardless of the outcome. C'est la vie😁

Thanks LTL for your support.

Ding_Dong

Have your attorney petition that you get 1st right of refusal in the event that she herself can not pick up or supervise YOUR Children, rather than her Father or anyone else.

You should be the primary default custodian.

LTL

I'm a UK trained journalist and rest assured it is not against the law to tell the truth!

If you've got her threatening legal action then pat yourself on the back for a job well done. She sounds truly ashamed of this affair, which was your goal.

You only need to tell people the truth once and harassment has to take place 'on more than one occasion'.

Even then you would have a very good defence on the grounds of protecting your own interests and she would have a tough sell trying to make HER cheating on you a cause 'of serious alarm and distress'.

But anyway, it sounds like you're done and even though your lawyer sounds overly cautious, you dont need to further expose.

Did you speak to OMW in person? It's common for the other wayward to spy on communications and falsely pose as them.

Counter file citing her adultery. As the petitioner you would control the divorce timescale and can stall it. It's illegal for her to use her own adultery as cause so it should be easily overturned.

What legal penalty would you even face for harassment? Its probably a minor fine - and you're not even guilty of it! It might be worth, as a plan A measure sayingI would do anything to end your affair'. Heck, let her think you're risking it all for her.

It's also good to sneak in 'I'm sorry you are ashamed of your affair. It must be hard.'

Never apologise! Don't take back your grand gestures in fighting for her.

I was also threatened with legal action. Yawn.

Hi again Folks,

Still hanging in there, just. Divorce is progressing after my petition was sent to the wrong person and vice versa. Fate acting in strange ways maybe?

Her lawyer is going all out and quite over overzealous. I am not directly communicating only through 3rd party as anger is still evident. I want additional time with my children so I have asked 3rd party to communicate that. They have said she will accept email correspondence.

I have made an offer to settle the financials but haven't had a response (14days up tomorrow).

What do you think about emailing about children as I am desperate for more contact with Them?

Thanks as ever.

DD.

What's your plan? If you want to reconcile you have to Plan A her and be in contact with her - anger and all.

If its a good deal in the divorce you're after and custody I would lawyer up.

Have you followed up with requesting an update from the POSOM's Board Of Directors AND Human Resources Department Head?

It is NOT harassment to inquire as to the status of any ongoing investigation and potential consequences.

LTL

Hi again,

LTL, thanks for your response but I am terrified of being brought in by the Police for questioning and charge. The Police firmly warned me that any further behaviour would be deemed by them as potential harassment. I work voluntarily with young children as a mentor and could jeopardise that with a criminal conviction. Also I am sure that my ws would use this as a reason not to see my children, again causing me great distress.

I have had a visit to too from social services but they have no issues with me or so their report has said today.

She has just requested a reasonable sum of money over and above what I pay every month in maintenance for my children. This is for a trip for my eldest. Should I pay? I am reluctant but she will probably take this out on the kids as she has being asking for a response to her emails via my eldest daughter. I remain silent for now. What do you think?

She is allowing her mother to take my children on holiday soon without consultation with me. What can I do here?

I have made an offer to settle the divorce but there has been no response. Her lawyer has said she hasn't consulted with her client yet and I have heard nothing for over 3weeks. Her lawyer is failing to return calls to my lawyer and the merry go round goes on with large legal bills on both sides. Only one winner here.

What now? I am prepared to see and wait but a court date looms in May and a written response to the court regarding financial situation for both of us is required within 3 weeks.

Still hoping and thanks for your support again.

DD.

Hi Indiegirl,

she is so angry with me I am afraid her lawyer will advise her to pursue me for harassment. It was the lawyers Idea to go down this route. The lawyer is very very aggressive, painting me as the bad person here. Her lawyer describes me a narcissistic control freak etc. Letters from lawyers make money whereas speech between spouses might sort issues out. What would you suggest?

I approached her Dad, he's reasonable but has said that his ex (who did the same to him 35 years ago) has asked him to stay out of this as he is too old. wthr? He is obviously the voice of reason in all this. But who knows?

thanks for your support.

DD

Hi All,

feeling hopeless today. The divorce is progressing along to my great sadness. I am powerless to delay it. I have been in email contact with my wife about our children but she continually brings up recent things that I did that are irrelevant and displays great anger in her email. I have made changes go my childcare arrangements which needed email contact. I seen her today at my daughter's school as I had no choice but we didn't speak or exchange eye contact. My heart sank when I seen her. After the event she left promptly and never spoke. I am in plan b but feeling hopeless. She appears to be still very angry with despite the exposure back in late January. She is heavily influenced by her mother and two friends whom are having affairs too. I have asked if she would like to talk with me but there was no response.

I don't know whether she is still in contact with the other man but as her business is linked I presume that it might be the case.

Has anyone any advice of what my next step should be? Outside I am portraying a positive happy life but inside I am heartbroken and destroyed. I keep going for the love of my children and hope of saving my marriage.

I'm happy to hear anyone's opinion on my next move if any.

Thanks folks,

DD.

Lawyer up. You're in for a rocky ride.

Let the lawyers do the rough stuff and just be available and pleasant to your wife when you can.

What Indiegirl said ^^^.

Also, have you looked into getting on some anti-depressants to help get you through this period? That may help a lot with feeling so low.

Hang in there and good luck.

Sorry you aren't in Plan B if you are having contact with your WW. Why don't you have an IM?

Do you have a lawyer?

DD,

Speech between spouses actually doesn't usually sort things out. I have yet to see a marriage saved on this forum where the husband was able to persuade his wife that she was making a big mistake. Instead, marriages are usually saved when the husband takes major, serious, unrelenting action on two fronts:

1) he combats the affair directly. He exposes the affair far and wide, practically taking out a billboard to advertise it. He confronts the other man and tells him to get away from his wife. He threatens to haul the other man into court to testify in the divorce hearing. Etc., etc., etc.
2) he meets his wife's emotional needs, transforming into the best husband imaginable, never fighting with her or arguing with her, but making a positive and charming impact on her each and every time they have contact.

Eventually the affair is extremely likely to die a natural death and then at that point your wife's feelings for you are likely to change, and not before. She is not won by persuasion. She is won by her own Love Bank, which you need to understand at a serious level.

Usually a husband needs to embark on a really serious program of education to understand the tools that Marriage Builders provides and learn how to use them. For example, you believe you are in Plan B, but you are not, and if you want to keep your marriage, you should not be in Plan B. One of the best things you can possibly do is to start listening to the free Marriage Builders Radio program every single day. It is an internet show and you can install an app to listen on your phone or tablet, or listen on your PC. There is far more for you in the program than just in the book.

Frequently a husband will need to see his doctor and get on antidepressants as well. It is hard to be charming and wonderful and not fight when someone is fighting you tooth and nail and tearing out your heart and stomping on it. Antidepressants can help even out your mood and help you to stick to the plan.

Don't plan moves. Instead get extremely educated and start building new habits.