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Originally Posted by Ding_Dong
I have heard back from the Police last night too with good news and they have decided that the Harassment Police information notice issued against me will be withdrawn if I withdraw my complaint against the Police.


Well no wonder. By clearly trying to stifle your legal right to free speech they wouldn't have had a leg to stand on if you had pursued this. They illegally overstepped their boundaries and harassed you without any cause whatsoever. It is phenomenally generous of you not to take this further.





What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Hi Indie,

thanks for your encouragement. Nothing is easy but I persevered after your stern words earlier this year, gathered my thoughts, wrote a letter and complained.

Never give up!

Thanks again for the advice and support

DD


BH 43
WW 42
DD 11.
DD 7.
Married 19 years.
She left 10-08-2014.
She filed for divorce 29-02-2015.
Waiting for Final decree absolute just before Christmas 2015.
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Yeah it's easy for me to flap my gums on here though - you are the one who took on an entire police force! Very well done indeed.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Hi Indiegirl,

I haven't had the written word from the Police officially yet apart from the phone all last week to say they are expunging the PIN (Police information notice). The POSOM is still involved with my wife's business and I presume the affair continues unabated.

My emotions are telling me to hurt him by reporting the POSOM to his professional body (and eventually breaking up the affair for good) for unethical practices but everyone I speak to says to hold fire as this will unseat my wife, drive her into a rage and it will affect my financial settlement as she will be less likely to settle out of court if I do this.

I would be interested to hear from you as to my next step. From last Friday to this Friday her mood has changed phenomenally. Part of the affair process I am presuming.

I believe my wife may already know that the PIN has/will be lifted as she is very angry again with me since the family mediation session. She makes continuous selfish demands of me and keeps threatening my children "with not going to their Dad's house if they are mischievous or behaving badly". She takes a lot of her unhappiness out on my children as they love being with their happy, fun and loving Dad. This is really hurting me that she would do this. My eldest (aged 11 now) is very upset with her behaviour but I tell her that she will never stop me from seeing my children even I have to go to court to secure this also.

When she is 12 she can make up her own mind with whom she wants to live with but I am fearful that my WW is pushing her kids away from her with her continued selfish behaviour.

I find it difficult at times and quite surreal but keep going with the process. My heart is aching, my head is battered but I can nearly always smile and shrug most of it off. She is absolutely mental in the head!! LOL.

No matter what I do it's never right. I sent a gift - no thanks, I sent a copy of kid's school photos which she neglected to order, again no thanks or even an acknowledgment. I feel as if I am banging my head off the wall at times but I think you all may have gathered that I don't give up too easily!

I do have to admit that I am getting close to an empty love bank now as today was my daughter's last day at primary school. I attended when they finished up at 2pm and my wife smothered my daughters leaving me no time to have a chat with them. They hopped into the car and drove off. I was trying to kiss them goodbye as she was driving away.

Most of the (and I'm sorry for the term) "bitchy School gate Mams" have taken an obvious dislike to me as I exposed the affair to some of them and they failed to consider the destruction of my marriage and my family. Maybe just a trait of our modern society where the woman is always the victim and I am just a control freak of a man.

Am I the only person in the school yard with any sense of morality and justice? I have never been treated in this way by anyone before in my entire life. Part of this I suppose is that I am not local to the UK and a foreigner, hence the open contempt and somewhat hostility that I see on the other parent's faces and their behaviour towards me. They are disgusted that I tried to expose the affair for what it is - a destruction of my family, love I have for my wife and my wish to save our marriage. You couldn't make this stuff up!

A party has been planned amongst the other parents and children of my daughter's class this afternoon locally and I'm saddened to say I didn't even receive an invite. Some of these Mams I have invited to my daughters birthday parties and held play days at my home just after my Wife left me. Not one of these people has returned the compliment to me or even suggested so. A fact of modern life I suppose when my wife is telling them how bad a man I am (control freak and God knows what else). It is bizarre that not one of these people has even knocked on my door and asked me how I am and that they were sorry for the breakdown of our marriage. Not to worry I am persevering for now but close to moving on to plan B (or even giving up) as her behaviour deteriorates further towards me and my children. I am having grave doubts about compatibility for instance going forward. The company she keeps are people who admire her as she runs a successful local business for women (gift shop and coffee house) and they all love the fact that they can say, "I know the owner well!". I have seen quite a rise of this phenomena of celebrity culture here in the UK quite alarmingly where people other's poor behaviour and actions just to be associated with the "In Person". Quite bizarre but very true.

I would be interested in any of your comments and further suggestions.

Thanks again for your continued support.

DD.


BH 43
WW 42
DD 11.
DD 7.
Married 19 years.
She left 10-08-2014.
She filed for divorce 29-02-2015.
Waiting for Final decree absolute just before Christmas 2015.
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DD,

Holding off on further affair-busting actions (such as reporting OM to his professional body) in exchange for a presumption that your wife will lay off of you in court is akin to negotiation with a terrorist. It is appeasement and it leaves you EXTREMELY vulnerable to get hurt both legally and emotionally because it will trick you into letting down your guard around her at a time when she has every reason to take advantage of you.

If there are legal repercussions in your jurisdiction for further exposing OM that's one thing, but holding off on it because you're worried about making your wife less reasonable in divorce proceedings is irrational. Your well-being or any considerations of fairness towards you are the furthest things from a wayward's mind and you should generally expect to be surprised by her actions the closer you get to divorce. They're usually much more concerned about what they can get away with and what is makes life easier for themselves.

Sorry to hear about people's reaction to exposure. That is par for the course in US society as well. Either people get it, or they really REALLY do not get it and it makes them angry at the BS. Do you have any friends or family to lean on and hang out with during this time? I know your situation has been very trying.


Happily remarried to wonderful woman who I found using the guidelines in "Buyers, Renters, Freeloaders"
2 baby boys, working on #3 and couldn't ask for anything more.

When my ex's affair happened: BH 28, Ex-WW:29
Married: 7 years
Together: 8 years
D-day: 10/5/2014
D filed: 1/22/2015
D Final: 6/4/2015

My story
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There's no way to plan nice a WW.

Her version of nice is getting everything plus new lampshades out of your skin.



What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Hi All,

just thought I'd check in and keep you all up to speed. I am no further forward in my toil.

I have been to a mediation session 2 weeks ago with my WW as regards the care of our children and she has now agreed to a 50/50 shared care arrangement which makes me very happy. I will now be able to have a positive influence on my kids in the future via this arrangement despite my WW's intention to try and destroy me both financially and emotionally.

I have taken very positive steps to make changes in my life by joining a new walking group (popular here in the UK) and getting out and about doing new things meeting new people who are in the main, positive. I am a lot happier despite my WW's continued poor behaviour. I find it hard to speak with her now as it is upsetting to be apart from someone you still love so dearly.

I have decided that my 6 months of plan a is over and I will be starting a plan b now. I don't have anyone to assist me as a intermediary as nearly of our joint friends have joined her side and express their distain for me openly, the rest who believe me, don't want to know. I have decided to keep communication with my WW to the bare minimum now and just about my children via text.

She continues to see this other man I believe as he is her accountant but I don't know what level of contact they have day to day. I'd rather not think about this for now.

My next court date is approaching in early October but her lawyer is not responding to any communication from our side. We are asking for further information but there is no response. I am told it is strange of her lawyer as she is very much generally on the ball as regards communication. I can only presume that my WW is as she was 12 months ago and still can't make up her mind about what she wants, just following the process along. She is being led along by the facilitators and her Mother who also had affairs which ended her 2 marriages.

I seen my WW recently and she looks terrible, drawn and tired and I look and feel great. Getting fitter, happier and more independent as time goes along.

My wife does initiate contact when I go quiet now but I ignore most communications as I feel as I push away, she is missing me a little and does her best to try and draw me in via text conversation albeit to try and trick me into thinking she cares.

I am in a poor state financially due to rising legal bills and can't afford a lawyer for the next hearing which I will attend as a litigant in person. I am anxious but I negotiate for a living so this shouldn't be much different apart from the creeping emotion which will inevitably follow through this process. I will do my best on the day for my kids and for myself.

Why doesn't my wife want to settle this without court? Is very odd that she wants to prolong the agony. Why doesn't she push for the divorce? She will need it to settle anything financially. I did ask for an adjournment from her but she has not replied to my text.

I have proven her to be a liar twice during a recent process of getting her business valued. She told blatant lies and she is now under threat of these lies coming to light in court which may affect her settlement. She is hell bent of her financial and emotional destruction. She wants to control nearly every aspect of what I do as regards my children. I have told her that I don't take any instruction from her anymore and she needs to mind her own business and leave me alone. I have taken a very strong line here as she has tried to manipulate me at every turn. She forgets that I am the strong one now. I have been through hell and back and I can honestly say it has made me a very strong but firm person who is bizarrely after all this willing to save me my marriage if I can. If not, I will move on and be very happy. I am 42 and the rest of my life is ahead of me with my two beautiful children by my side. They even now recognise their Mother's poor behaviour but they still love their Mam and I would never try to change that.

If anyone would like to make any suggestions as to how I can move forward I would as ever be eternally grateful.

Kind regards,

DD.


BH 43
WW 42
DD 11.
DD 7.
Married 19 years.
She left 10-08-2014.
She filed for divorce 29-02-2015.
Waiting for Final decree absolute just before Christmas 2015.
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The best advice i can offer is to get into plan b.
Maybe someone on this forum could be an internet intermediary for you.
Continued contact with her will just bring unneeded drama. Trust me i know.

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Hi Jedi_Kinght,

Thanks for you input.

I agree, her drama/s seems to be the biggest part of her life at the moment.

I have just received communication from her lawyer this morning where they have agreed to an adjournment now. Bizarre! I am going to go for 6 weeks after the original date of early October and see what happens. I think that her lies are catching up with her so she is going to try financial mediation to see if she can feel out exactly what I want to bring this to an end. I am not carrying on with any direct communication other than my texts about my children.

My WW and her family keep harping on about me wanting to control things but really I need them out of my hair and that's what I am trying to achieve, where I can at least preserve my sanity from this arduous and upsetting process.

D_D


BH 43
WW 42
DD 11.
DD 7.
Married 19 years.
She left 10-08-2014.
She filed for divorce 29-02-2015.
Waiting for Final decree absolute just before Christmas 2015.
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I would tell her family : "i love ww and am willing to work to create a loving marriage but she must first end her affair "

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Originally Posted by Jedi_Knight
I would tell her family : "i love ww and am willing to work to create a loving marriage but she must first end her affair "

Hi Jedi,

I've been down that road with her Father 12 months ago whom said it was nothing to do with him and we should sort it out ourselves as we were adults. Yeah right! No responsibility taken there for his daughter's actions or any need to "interfere". You would think he would have some empathy for me given that his wife did exactly the same thing to him 35 years ago ending their marriage.

Her mother hasn't spoke to me and refuses to speak with me preferring to ignore me. She and her husband have slammed their door in my face like I was an unwelcome vagabond. My Mother in law was even told the truth by my WW about the affair and she said, "well I don't know how you stuck with him for 20 plus years". Lovely eh, given we have two young children together? She never liked me despite my trying to please her and her 3rd husband, doing everything I could to help and assist them over the years, but to no avail. They liked me enough to spend time at my holiday home without ever offering to make a contribution to my running costs. Thye liked me enough to help his father sell his car when he was dying of heart failure etc. Absolute Freeloaders the lot of them if you ask me and do I really want to be associated with them given the way they treated me to date?

My WW has only one brother but their relationship is quite remote and he appears now and then on the fringes. I asked him last December for help to save my marriage but again he sided with his blood rather than helping me and my WW try to recover our marriage, even for the sake of our two children.

Even my WW's Father will ask me for a favour and help now (as we had a great relationship prior to this), rather ask his own son or daughter. I have decided now to move away from them all. I was like the son he never had due to the breakdown of his marriage and the subsequent splitting of his own family when his son went off to live with his mother and my WW eventually moved back to her Dad's home. He gave his children all the financial support (through money at them left, right and centre) his children have ever needed but no real "LOVE". to speak of.

Since the breakdown of his own marriage 35 years ago my father in law appears devoid of any empathy or real emotion. He didn't even cry at his Mother's funeral, he has few friends if any, doesn't have any social life to speak of and has never dated since his wife left him all those years ago. he is retired and plods along with a set routine which is a miserable existence if you ask me.

I think the family front is a dead end and I don't wish to lay myself at their feet as it would be a futile effort with little positive results at this stage but thanks for the suggestion in anyway Jedi.

Kind regards,

D_D


BH 43
WW 42
DD 11.
DD 7.
Married 19 years.
She left 10-08-2014.
She filed for divorce 29-02-2015.
Waiting for Final decree absolute just before Christmas 2015.
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Hi All,

Just feeling a bit low today since it is my 20th wedding anniversary (or well it should have been). Pushing on with my plan B now and starting to feel a little better in between the dumps and trying now to put the focus back on my job which is very important to me and the children going forward.

I have a few very low emotional moments (but can't seem to cry - I wish I could) such as last weekend when I picked up my children. My WW insisted I pick them up from her house. I had no choice as I have no friends or relatives who live within 350 miles by to act as an intermediary in this plan B.

I didn't get out of the car, I just reversed outside with my back to her front door, texted my eldest and the children climbed into the car. We then drove off. She watched from the door without any emotion. She tried to call my home last night but I asked the children to take the call after recognising her number. She tries to demonstrate a high amount of control and I am fearful of upsetting her when we are so close to a financial settlement. Once I have that my anxiety will lift and I can get on with my life even if it's without her. My mission is to be happy regardless :-)

Someone once told me that Man's greatest fear is growing old poor and a woman's is growing old alone. Not sure if it's right for the woman but I am leaning towards the man on this one. It's probably because I have spent a huge amount of time working and earning to provide a great lifestyle for me wife and family only to see it evaporate in front of me.

Communication to my WW is only via text now. I have no wish to speak with her at all. I am feeling so hurt now, more than ever. I feel a growing hatred inside me for what she has done to my children. I fear greatly this growing resentment inside me. The children now voice their disinterest in her too and say they don't like living with her. "She is always on her telephone", my eldest daughter keeps saying. "All we want is some attention", she also adds. I didn't think that someone whom was so kind in the past could act so selfish towards her husband and even her children who live with her. I ask the children to always respect their Mother.

I have stopped smoking too which doesn't help I suppose. I did stop previously for 15 years prior to her affair but started 12 months ago as did she. I have managed to stay off them now for 2 weeks and will hope to keep going - she is struggling smoking and drinking lots.

My WW has agreed to a mediation session on Friday coming for our financial settlement. I presume like me she is weary of the fight and the funds are running very low. Mine ran out a long time ago and have nothing (cash) left relying on loans and credit cards to fight on.

I have asked for a 6 month adjournment of my financial settlement hearing so we can mediate. Hopefully this will give the plan B a little more time. After that time is up I am truly DONE!

Sorry to be so negative on this post but it's the way I am feeling at this point. For those of you that will say go get the Ani-D's I don't feel depressed just sad and more angry than anything else. She has never tried to make any attempt to reconcile despite this POSOM showing little interest in leaving his own wife for her and he is 17 years her senior, we are both the same age at 42. No support from friends or family in this locality to speak of. Everyone seems to be just busy sorting out their own lives. A major lack of empathy in this world today.

Enough said I am off the dentist as I have a bad toothache.

Thanks for your continued support!

DD.


BH 43
WW 42
DD 11.
DD 7.
Married 19 years.
She left 10-08-2014.
She filed for divorce 29-02-2015.
Waiting for Final decree absolute just before Christmas 2015.
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Originally Posted by Ding_Dong
Sorry to be so negative on this post but it's the way I am feeling at this point. For those of you that will say go get the Ani-D's I don't feel depressed just sad and more angry than anything else.
Antidepressants aren't for just feeling depressed they help with exactly what you're describing. That's why Dr. Harley recommends them during stressful times such as Plan A and Plan B.

Have you thought about contacting Dr Harley? It's free!!

I'm sorry for your continued pain.

Does the OM's BW know that he still is in contact with your WW?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by Ding_Dong
She is always on her telephone", my eldest daughter keeps saying. "All we want is some attention", she also adds. I didn't think that someone whom was so kind in the past could act so selfish towards her husband and even her children who live with her. I ask the children to always respect their Mother.

Also I would not stop your children from being honest with their mother. Encourage them to tell their mother how they feel. It is part of the consequences that your WW must feel from her choices.



FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Originally Posted by Ding_Dong
Sorry to be so negative on this post but it's the way I am feeling at this point. For those of you that will say go get the Ani-D's I don't feel depressed just sad and more angry than anything else.
Antidepressants aren't for just feeling depressed they help with exactly what you're describing. That's why Dr. Harley recommends them during stressful times such as Plan A and Plan B.

Have you thought about contacting Dr Harley? It's free!!

I'm sorry for your continued pain.

Does the OM's BW know that he still is in contact with your WW?


Thank you Brainhurts for your support and input. I had a really bad experience about 25 years ago with anti depressants and I don't really want to go back there again ever. I got through that situation on my own inner strength and willpower. I intend to do the same on this occasion, thanks all the same. I'd rather go through this pain now and at least when the end comes I am conscious enough to move on unabated, should it be necessary.

I did have communication with Dr. Harley a while back and was even on his radio show. There are a few links to my discussion with the good Doctor and his lovely wife back in April of this year, earlier in this thread.

I am not sure as to my WW's present position with her POSOM and his poor BW. One would assume she is being domestically abused at his home as this POSOM hit my wife last year and sees little problem with that behaviour. My WW has said that I ruined their relationship recently but I think that this is just a smokescreen. Even now I am beginning to not care too much about him and her anymore. The damage is already done. Would I have her back now. Probably Yes, because I love her dearly and always have/will. She is the Mother of my two beautiful children. Do I think I could forgive her and trust her again - possibly. Will it happen, I am beginning to strongly doubt it now. It is nearly 18 months since I found out about her affair, tried to expose it as best I could to everyone far and wide, family friends etc. with absolutely no support whatsoever!! I tried to fill the love bank, not love bust, not be disrespectful but absolutely nothing ever has come back from her side ever only lies, deceit and hurt.

She even sent a lawyers letter to me last week denying the existence of a valuation that I was holding in my hand on the same day! She lies even about what is proven to be true and sees little wrong with that. She ven lied about how much she is paying for the children's guitar lessons which we both pay for. Total gain to her �10. I mean what is going on in her head?

Do I want a person like that in my life. Probably not! But let's wait a while longer in plan B and see what happens. I trust in God!

In response to your 2nd post I have made steps this evening to encourage my children to point out to their Mother how they feel about her actions and thank you for suggesting that. My eldest (11) came to my Home after school today as she was sick and tired of the same old doom and gloom of returning to her Mam's after spending a nice 4 night spell with me and her sister. I asked to her to communicate with her Mam better and tell her how she was feeling i.e. not to bottle it all up. So we'll see what happens from there.

Thanks again for your continued support and help,

DD.


BH 43
WW 42
DD 11.
DD 7.
Married 19 years.
She left 10-08-2014.
She filed for divorce 29-02-2015.
Waiting for Final decree absolute just before Christmas 2015.
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I'm glad you encouraged your DD11 to tell her mother. I'm sure it will help your DD11 feel better.

I'm sorry for your past experience with ADs and can understand your concern. I just worry that you will be ok.

Is your lawyer putting in your divorce decree that your WW can't bring OM around your children? Especially if he has hit your WW. You have documented this instance, correct?

Please remind me, did you expose to OM's BW? And how did you?

One last thing. I would contact Dr. Harley and give him an update to your situation. They encourage follow up calls and Dr. Harley might have some insight that we may be missing.

Would you do that since there's nothing to lose in contacting him?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
I'm glad you encouraged your DD11 to tell her mother. I'm sure it will help your DD11 feel better.

I'm sorry for your past experience with ADs and can understand your concern. I just worry that you will be ok.

Is your lawyer putting in your divorce decree that your WW can't bring OM around your children? Especially if he has hit your WW. You have documented this instance, correct?

Please remind me, did you expose to OM's BW? And how did you?

One last thing. I would contact Dr. Harley and give him an update to your situation. They encourage follow up calls and Dr. Harley might have some insight that we may be missing.

Would you do that since there's nothing to lose in contacting him?


Hi Brainhurts, I'm really ok juts a bit upset at times. It is strange I have been alone for longer than the 18 months I found out about the affair. I have been alone for at least 2 years prior to that given her behaviour towards me.

My children and I have been through a lot over the last few months but they do say "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" and that's my mantra.

Funny enough my WW is divorcing me, would you believe it? She has absolutely no shame whatsoever. She even tells everyone that I invented the affair and people actually believe her! Remarkable isn't it?

She began proceedings after I exposed the affair on a nuclear scale.

I called in person calmly to the POSOM's home and spoke with his wife briefly, I wrote to her with details as she wouldn't believe me about the affair, I then sent written proof with dates and times, wrote to his business partners and their wives (they were shareholders in his business) and facebook messaged our friends and family etc. etc. But to no avail. She just ended up starting a divorce me by way of unreasonable behaviour! Would you believe that? Laughable if not true!

I will contact the good Doctor again and thanks for suggesting that. He did say during my discussion with him that she would probably divorce me but possibily consider a relationship with me after that. Will I want one by then. I think not. My strength to carry on grows but alas it maybe without her in the future. Only time and with the grace of God go I.

Thanks,

DD.


BH 43
WW 42
DD 11.
DD 7.
Married 19 years.
She left 10-08-2014.
She filed for divorce 29-02-2015.
Waiting for Final decree absolute just before Christmas 2015.
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I'm so glad you will contact Dr. Harley again. He has a fantastic gift of helping us see clarity amongst the troubling times. Please let us know when you hear back.

I do remember your show and remember Dr. Harley saying that about that she will probably D and then want a relationship with you again after D. It reminded me so much of another BH's story, Justthe3ofus. Have you read his story? He divorced his WW and then remarried her when she chose to live her life with EPs.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by BrainHurts


Oh Boy, does Melodylane Jr make our live's easier.

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