First I can't tell you how much I appreciate your help on this. I see you reply to a lot of people and it is a great thing your doing. I don't expect you to continue to help but I very much appreciate it. Even if you can read this when you have time you seem to know what your talking about and any additional advise would be very appreciated. I have been suffering gut wrenching hurt for over a year now. After she was caught she of course blamed me for everything telling me all of my short comings. I have pointed hers out and it has taken all this time for her to really realize her part bit by bit. I made it clear and I think she understands it was not my fault at all. She could have talked to me but she wanted the quick selfish fix of the excitement.
My faults and I admit to all of them.
Did not pay enough attention to her
issues from our past that she hung on to
we were in a rut looking after the kids and not taking care of us (no excitement date nights etc.) She was as much to blame for this one also
I failed on attending to her love languages and did not give her the affection she needed
I did not help her nearly enough and support her with the kids, house and day to day
I let myself go a bit gained some weight and just didn't put the effort into my look (she gained some too but always finds a way to look good).
She also hated her job and felt alone with that.
Family issues and again felt alone with that.
She is not the type to act she needs someone to guide her along.
2 days after the karaoke I had us enrolled in ballroom dance classes
I immediately started helping her with day to day with the house, kids and everything else. I can honestly say rock star husband over night.
I immediately started paying attention to her love language needs (we went to some counselling).
I dropped 35 lbs and changed my entire look. If I showed you a before and after it would blow your mind. It does to me every time I see it.
I addressed our past issues even as far as calling an old friend of mine from an issue she had with him from 10 years ago. I did not support her when he was an Ahole to her so called him right beside her and admitted what he did was wrong and I should have stuck up for her.
We started going on date nights and I went as far as going on You Tube and learning how to dance at a club type thing. I stood in front of the mirror at 5am before work everyday for 3 weeks to get it right.
She has anger issues and does not know how to handle anger, stress and frustration
She talked at me not to me so communication was non existent and she was a little aggressive at times.
She complained a lot about everything and is kind of the victim type. If she explained a situation and my advise was not what she wanted to here she would get mad at me
She is very loving and affectionate but when her button is pushed there was no talking to her
She started fights and was just a mean selfish person when that button was pushed. She would act out in front of friends and not think twice
She was not giving me what I needed as far as love languages even after the affair
I had as many or more passed issues with her
She has recognized the selfish behaviour and is making an effort to do better (still working on it)
She has recognized the anger issue and we have struggled with that one but again she is making an effort
She has made efforts to provide me with more of what I need to help rebuild myself. I have to communicate to her as she is not very good at going above and beyond to really make an impact on what I need. The effort is real I am not making excuses for her but I still feel a little short changed
She tries very hard not to complain as much and when I tell her she is "venting" and I am at my limit (I say it in a much nicer way) she is much better at responding
We have closed the books on her past issues
She seems to be excited about the new me and I have really blown her away a few times to really grab her attention again. I am of course skeptical...
I struggle with the question was she ever really in love with me and am I really the guy for her, or am I just safe and reliable and she hasn't had the right option to leave. Is this new me really enough and better than the scum bag she had such a crush on (the OM). If I am not THE guy for her deep in her heart what is going to stop her from doing it again? I work for her dad and it is a high level career and we have 2 kids. I grew up in a broken home and vowed to not let that happen to my kids. Life is very complicated but I am sick every day thinking about what she did and how she did it. I am sick of the thought she might do it again and am I really it for her. I feel all the horrible feelings everyone in this situation feels and I want some relief... Her remorse has been intense to the point she goes into almost a nervous break down. It is very real and maybe the only reason I am still around as the job and kids are not enough to suffer for the rest of my life. Thank you for listening melodylane any advise would be appreciated