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#2842627 02/11/15 02:11 PM
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My husband and I have been together almost 8 years (married almost 3). 2 years ago, I had an affair with a co-worker. It lasted for about 3-4 months before things ended. It was the biggest mistake of my life and I will forever regret what I did. My husband stayed and we've had a long rocky road trying to recover.

We have been through counseling, read a couple books-including His needs, Her needs. We were both working to fix what happened and we stayed together for each other. We don't have any kids, don't own our home--so the reason to stay was for each other.

Over the last year and half we seem to have couple months where things are going well and then a very bad week or two. The bad weeks were mainly due to not communicating and bottling up feelings that would lead to him resenting me for what I did. Then once we got things out in the open, things would go back to a much more positive environment.

And over that year and a half, there are times where he truly wants to work on things and times where he would rather just leave and start over somewhere else.

Up until last month, things were the best that they had been since the affair happened. We were talking about our future together, having a family, and building our home. We found a home in another town, closer to his family that we loved. He took out a loan and bought the house.

Since December we have been talking about this house being an opportunity to start fresh in a new city, with new memories and getting away from painful reminders. We didn't treat it as we were running away from our problems--just an opportunity to build new happy memories.

Last week was the closing on the home and my husband said that he wanted to leave and didn't want me to come with him. He just told me today that he filed divorce papers. I feel so blindsided.

He said that it would be impossible for me to fulfill his emotional and physical need for sex--that he didn't want to have sex with me because all he could think about was the other person. He said that he will never trust me again. He said that no one deserves what I did to him and he can't stay married to someone who would do that. He said he has an opportunity to start over and work on himself and get back to being happy. He feels that if I go with him, the negative reminder will follow and he will continue to be unhappy.

I completely understand how he feels. But it just seems like this decision was made so suddenly. Literally 30 days ago we were talking about kids and how much we wanted in the bank before we start trying. How does a marriage go from that to divorce so fast?

I don't know what to do here. I'm hurt and confused and I definitely don't blame him for feeling that way. But he is my best friend and we haven't spent more than 2 days apart in the 8 years we have been together. How can he just never see me again and be ok?

I know that people say separating is a last resort. I feel that's my only option left since he's so adamant about leaving. Maybe that's what he needs? I guess I can't expect him to heal here in what he considers now a toxic environment.

Any help or suggestions is greatly appreciated.

#2842628 02/11/15 02:12 PM
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My husband and I have been together almost 8 years (married almost 3). 2 years ago, I had an affair with a co-worker. It lasted for about 3-4 months before things ended. It was the biggest mistake of my life and I will forever regret what I did. My husband stayed and we've had a long rocky road trying to recover.

We have been through counseling, read a couple books-including His needs, Her needs. We were both working to fix what happened and we stayed together for each other. We don't have any kids, don't own our home--so the reason to stay was for each other.

Over the last year and half we seem to have couple months where things are going well and then a very bad week or two. The bad weeks were mainly due to not communicating and bottling up feelings that would lead to him resenting me for what I did. Then once we got things out in the open, things would go back to a much more positive environment.

And over that year and a half, there are times where he truly wants to work on things and times where he would rather just leave and start over somewhere else.

Up until last month, things were the best that they had been since the affair happened. We were talking about our future together, having a family, and building our home. We found a home in another town, closer to his family that we loved. He took out a loan and bought the house.

Since December we have been talking about this house being an opportunity to start fresh in a new city, with new memories and getting away from painful reminders. We didn't treat it as we were running away from our problems--just an opportunity to build new happy memories.

Last week was the closing on the home and my husband said that he wanted to leave and didn't want me to come with him. He just told me today that he filed divorce papers. I feel so blindsided.

He said that it would be impossible for me to fulfill his emotional and physical need for sex--that he didn't want to have sex with me because all he could think about was the other person. He said that he will never trust me again. He said that no one deserves what I did to him and he can't stay married to someone who would do that. He said he has an opportunity to start over and work on himself and get back to being happy. He feels that if I go with him, the negative reminder will follow and he will continue to be unhappy.

I completely understand how he feels. But it just seems like this decision was made so suddenly. Literally 30 days ago we were talking about kids and how much we wanted in the bank before we start trying. How does a marriage go from that to divorce so fast?

I don't know what to do here. I'm hurt and confused and I definitely don't blame him for feeling that way. But he is my best friend and we haven't spent more than 2 days apart in the 8 years we have been together. How can he just never see me again and be ok?

I know that people say separating is a last resort. I feel that's my only option left since he's so adamant about leaving. Maybe that's what he needs? I guess I can't expect him to heal here in what he considers now a toxic environment.

Any help or suggestions is greatly appreciated.

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What happened that has triggered him so badly? Do you still work with the OM? Have the conditions that led to the affair been changed, ie: poor boundaries around men, working in the same environment, etc?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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I don't know of one event that triggered this. It seemed like when we got closer to closing on this house was when I noticed a change. Less than a week later he told me wanted out.

I do not work with the OM. I ended up leaving that job out of respect for my husband. Things have drastically changed since the affair. I have extremely high boundaries around men, i have a new job in a much better environment. I've also done my best to rebuild trust. He has all of my passwords to everything, he can look at my phone anytime, and I'm very open about letting him know where I am going and when-and letting him know if my plans change.

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What is really sad about this is that moving into the new house would have helped your marriage dramatically. Moving out of the environment where great sadness took place makes an amazing difference. It is like moving out from under a dark cloud.

We could help him completely forget about this affair and have a happy marriage with you. Many of us have done this ourselves.

What else is going in your marriage? Do you have separate leisure lifestyles? Does he go out without you? Has something else happened that has caused him to be unhappy?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Have you had ANY contact EVER with the OM since the affair ended? Do you see him on facebook? Does your husband ever see him? Does he live close by?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by ams1120
He has all of my passwords to everything, he can look at my phone anytime, and I'm very open about letting him know where I am going and when-and letting him know if my plans change.

Does he also practice complete transparency with you? Is there anything to make you suspect a revenge affair with someone?

It is possible he has just decided that he is not interested in recovery. Nobody would fault him for that. Recovering from infidelity is very very hard, and when you are so newly married, with no children, divorcing might look like a better option.

But this quick change in attitude could also indicate an RA.

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AMS,

Did you trickle truth you BH, by that I mean did you take a long time to tell him the full story and details. Trickle truth will make a BH feel hopeless and unrecoverable.

Did you offer to take a polygraph to give your BH confidence that he has the full story?

Was there a downside for OM was he fired and was he exposed, or did OM get to continue living his life as if nothing had happened?

God Bless
Gamma

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I agree, I just wish we would have made it to that point to get away from that dark cloud together.

Our marriage is very good outside of this. We are best friends and we do everything together. In regards to our needs, we do have a few issues there. He has a strong need for sex and it's difficult to totally fulfill it because there are times he struggles with sex because he still thinks about the affair and the OM. I have a need for affection and he knows that he has struggled to fulfill this for me and a big part of it is the affair. It's one of the main things that led me into an affair. But he lacks the desire to give me affection because of what I did.

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I have had no contact with the OM since the affair. My husband has had contact with him once--he actually went to his home to confront him. He ended up yelling at him and the OM just sat there and denied everything. It did help give my husband a big sense of closure because he finally got to say all of the things to the OM that he wanted and needed to say to him.

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He has the same transparency with me. He did have a one night RA while my affair was going on--he always said he knew the whole time.

It is very possible that he's no longer interested. He's put a great deal of effort and energy into recovery and he may be at a point now where he wants to put his energy into other things...

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Hi Gamma,

I hate to admit it, but yes I definitely did the trickle truth for probably 3 months. That was one of my biggest mistakes. It was so hard because my husband is the type to want to know EVERY detail so his mind doesn't wonder. I was afraid of hurting him by telling the truth and I was afraid he would leave.

I understand now that did a lot more damage than good.

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"It's one of the main things that led me into an affair. But he lacks the desire to give me affection because of what I did."

Do you tell him the affair occurred because he didn't meet your need for affection?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Melody,

Yes he does know this. I think he has at the point where he feels like he cannot meet this need. Which I understand why he feels this way. But I don't think he understands that this feeling isn't permanent and it will go away.

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Originally Posted by ams1120
Melody,

Yes he does know this. I think he has at the point where he feels like he cannot meet this need. Which I understand why he feels this way. But I don't think he understands that this feeling isn't permanent and it will go away.
AMS, based on the way you answered Melody's question, let me ask you: Have you considered that he may sense that you're trying to cast any part of the responsibility for your affair onto him?

He bears partial responsibility for the state of your marriage, pre-affair, as do you. However, he bears no responsibility whatsoever for your decision to have an affair. Are you clear about that? It sounds to me like you might be foggy on this point.


Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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Hi GloveOil,

I don't believe he feels this way. I have made it incredibly clear to him that the affair was 100% my fault. I made the decision to have the affair and I should have recognized that I was having feelings for someone else and went straight home to work things out with my husband instead of having an affair.

In the beginning he did take some responsibility for it, but over time he has understood that it was not his fault and the responsibility lies with me.

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I believe in my heart that my husband will move into this house and bury himself with the distraction of working on the renovations and a new job. However, when the dust settles and he's in the house alone without me and our pets that he will wish he would have stayed or at least consider reconciling.

I just feel like the decision to give up was made so quickly that he might not feel the same a week from now.

I'm not sure the next step though. Do i let him move out and give him space to get his thoughts together? Or do I fight and try and change him mind now?

I have 10 days until he moves everything out so I'm running out of time frown

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Originally Posted by ams1120
Melody,

Yes he does know this. I think he has at the point where he feels like he cannot meet this need. Which I understand why he feels this way. But I don't think he understands that this feeling isn't permanent and it will go away.

Ok, this is a huge part of the problem. Blaming him for the affair tells him that he is not safe. The reason you had the affair is because you had poor boundaries around men and you allowed another man to meet your needs. If that does not change, you WILL have another affair.

He could be meeting your needs 1000% but if you allow others to meet your needs, it will NEVER make any difference. I would leave you too under those circumstances.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Quote
"It's one of the main things that led me into an affair.

AMS, right here is where you blamed him for the affair. So you can't say you take responsibility for the affair after you have just said this.



"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Here is what Steve Harley told a board member betrayed wife about this issue. Her husband was telling her exactly what you have told your husband:

Originally Posted by JustKim
"As long as you believe that your H had an affair because his emotional needs were not being met (as a *primary* reason) you will be meeting his emotional needs out of fear, there will always be a gun held to your head. Your H had an affair because he failed to protect HIMSELF from his own vulnerabilities, period. He is accountable and responsible for all"

He then went on to explain that perhaps my H has been telling me that "it wont happen again, that I am safe, etc..." BUT that it will likely have little reassuring effect because he is saying things that I believed were *always true*.

He said that until my H proves to me that HE gets it, that HE takes responsibility fully for what happened ( the A, not the downslide of our marriage) that you cannot heal.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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