Here is my story...

In December my husband and I got into a petty fight and he started saying things like this isn't fixable. I was 8 months pregnant with our third child. Two weeks later he moved out and got an apt. In January, he came to me and said what was really happening. He was having an affair with our neighbor starting in October. This couple and us were very close friends. We went on vacation together and our kids were friends. He said he wanted me and wanted to fix our marriage. We started counseling with no success. He wasn't willing to do the things that were asked. He has continued to see her. And progressively has gotten worse. He says he wants a divorce and that he wants to start a life with her. I have been in good Plan A since March I believe. He comes back and forth between the OW and me. More on her side unfortunately. At the end of April, he came to me and said he would move back into the house and would do whatever I wanted to try to fix our marriage. I said well communication with her needs to be cutoff. He wasn't willing to do that. He doesn't want to give up their "friendship" He claims just like he would never be able to give up ours. I also gave ways for us to work on our marriage such as the books and workbooks involved. Also by spending time together by dating, us time at night, doing little getaways and things like that. Well none of that happened. I continued to do Plan A. He stays away from the house quite a bit during the week. His lease on the apt. ends at the end of this month, June, so he has moved some stuff back into the house. He told me the day he did which I was not aware of that this doesn't change anything, that he still wants a divorce, that he still wants to see her that he wants to live separate lives including our bank accounts and so on. But if I want to live this way and not get a divorce than fine. He said he will not go behind my back to file for divorce. I told him no I will not separate our bank accounts. (FYI: I am a stay at home mom and have been since our first child was born. Plan to go back to work when our children are in school. That was always our plan.) I of course reassure that divorce is not what I want. We do not believe in divorce. That I am confident we can rebuild our marriage.

I have told him the OW is not allowed around our children and recently he has brought them around her twice. I told him not to put me in this position and he did. So I have talked to our children and let them know, on their level, what she is doing to our family. They don't know details obviously. My husband of course is not happy about it. He said you are just going to push me to file for divorce.

So I am about to go on a trip to my sister in laws for about three weeks to give me and the children some much needed us time. Possibly doing Plan B has crossed my mind. That this might be a good opportunity to do so bc honestly not how much more I can take. I get so angry with the what he is doing to our children. I don't like what he is doing to me as well but what he is doing to our children just makes me boil! But here is my thought process... I have an opportunity here with him in the house to meet his needs. (Although he spends a lot of time away from the house staying with her.) Plus I can totally tell it is pissing her off. She is constantly texting him. He is pushing me further away so that he cant feel things with me. I think she is really insecure about him being in the house. Plus there are other incidents that have happened. So do I give it more time for them to fizzle out. Part of me feels like I haven't given myself enough time to do Plan A. Then I think well maybe doing Plan B would show him what he is missing. I'm just not sure what my best option is right now. What is the best way for me to go? Do I go on the trip and then get back and continue with Plan A or do Plan B? Bc what I was planning for Plan B was letting him stay in the house but move his stuff into our guest bedroom and bathroom. Put a laundry basket in the room for him to do his laundry. He can check the mail in the appropriate slots. He can check the events in our electronic family calendar.

Hopefully I haven't left anything off. So your input is greatly appreciated.
Thank you!!

choosingjoy, I am sorry for the reason that brought you to this forum. You will get a lot of help here for your dreadful situation.

You found out about your H's affair six months ago and have been attempting Plan A for the entire time? How are you doing emotionally and physically? You are probably going to need to put an end to Plan A quickly, or you will suffer long-term physical harm from the intense stress of putting up with your H's affair. Also, any love you might have for your H is going to drain away.

To have any hope at all, the affair has to be killed completely. Have you exposed to everyone? Your family,your children, friends, clergy all need to know. You need the support and, if everyone knows about the A, it puts a lot of negative pressure on the waywards. Does the OW's husband know? Expose the affair wide and far.

You have been in Plan A for so long that the sooner you can into a good Plan B, the better. Have you seen a lawyer? You should get information on child support and spousal support. Get some of the family funds into a bank account of your own, because many waywards spend money wantonly and put their own families at great financial risk.

Make sure you are avoiding all love busters while you are setting things up for Plan B.

Read up on Exposure Here

You and your Husband both hung out with this neighbor "Couple", so i assume this OW is either married or living with her children's father.

Have YOU exposed the affair to that BH? (Betrayed Husband)

That is the BIG hole in everything you have done.

While someone is actively Wayward, they shut down their Love Bank to their own spouse, so All of your Plan A has had little to no effect, except for him to feel further entitled to continue doing what he has been doing, with NO Consequences. He enjoys having 2 women serve him cake. That is called Cake Eating.

If you want ANY efforts you are putting forth to have ANY success, then Blowing up their fantasy dream world without consequences is an absolute must.

Do you own Dr. Harley's book, Surviving An Affair? (SAA)

In it, you will find the precise formula to have the best chance of firstly breaking up their affair and then further, on how to reconcile and improve your marriage.

None of the worksheets or books will mean anything to him until you bust him out of his fantasy, aka, his Affair Fog.

Will you be willing to do the actions required to break up his fantasy lifestyle?

No Contact with this tramp is a MUST, which will require a No Contact Letter written by your H and approved and sent by you. Templates can be found on this site and other posters will post samples, when the time is right to do so.

First, Expose the affair.

Eventually, for your marriage to have any chance to reconcile, you will have to be far removed from the location anywhere near this Home Wrecking Tramp.

LTL

Hi CJ, welcome to Marriage Builders. The time for Plan A is long, long over. All you have done by staying in an extended Plan A is make yourself LESS attractive to your WS and inadvertently propped up the affair. I would not only go into Plan B [which means you change the locks and don't ever allow him in] but you MUST MOVE AWAY.

Abandon the house and get out of there. Living there is a hopeless situation because your marriage will never recover there. Your husband can't withdraw in that house and with moving and going into Plan B, he may follow you when his affair dies. But recovery is hopeless as long as you live there.

Additionally, have you exposed this affair wide and far? You say you told the kids "on their level" but I don't know what that means? To whom did you expose?n

THAT is not Plan B. That is called propping up the affair. Plan B is a SEPARATION.

Yes the other husband knows. My H told me and she told her BH the next day. All of their family knows. They are selling the house. She has moved into an apt. BH has moved with his parents. Not everyone in our family knows. He has been the one to tell most of his family. Our close friends know.

It is critical that you expose this affair. The affair has not been exposed if you have not done this yourself. Relying on the liars to expose themselves is unrealistic. That must be your first step along with changing your locks and going into plan b.

Please go read my thread on exposure for exposure tactics and templates. I would start by contacting the OWs husband first thing tomorrow and telling him all about the affair.

I have talked with the other husband. I have talked with my H family as well.

But do I give time to see how him being home will be? Especially since she is getting upset about it.

Do you have a GPS on his vehicle to make sure he isn't going over to OW's apartment? Has your WH changed all his contact information?

Who else knows on OW's side?

No I don't have a GPS. I know he is going over there. Sometimes he tells me. I know some of her friends know and a lot of her family. No my WH has not changed his contact info.

He is going where? To OW's apartment?

Sorry yes he is going over to her apt

So the affair isn't over at all.

Have you informed her BH of the continued contact? You need to expose wide and go into Plan B.

You need to expose her to her parents. Have you done this?

you need to get tough here. i know it's not your intention but you've been enabling him. do NOT let him waiver back in forth in the hopes that he will somehow come to his senses!

plan b, going completely and totally dark will help you get your bearings. i imagine you are very roughed up and might not be thinking straight. you need time to heal.

and plan b will force him to go to her. there will be conflict between them. much more than this agonizing form of competition you're in now.

i'm not trying to be harsh but he's lost respect for you. you haven't drawn a line in the sand or had any real conditions. you've got to put a stop to this. it's unhealthy and whether you realize it or not, you're letting him get away with this deplorable behavior.

expose to everyone in your own words (follow the plan in the link in melody lane's signature) and then close the door on him. you are worth so much more than this wishy washy, hurtful back and forth.

he is not going to snap out of this unless you take drastic action. even then, he might not snap out of it but at least you can come out of this feeling whole and healed.

i'm with melody on the idea of just leaving the house and moving away. first of all, your neighborhood and home is a huge trigger. you can't stay there whether you recover the marriage or not. second, it will shock the daylights out of your wayward husband and show him that choosing the affair is going to turn his life upside down.

the more you can show him this with your actions the better. don't make it easy for him to carry on like this. keeping the home warm and cozy while he's out having dirty time with her is no way to live.

Here is what you said above.

If he has been the one to tell the family and others don't know, then the affair is not exposed. When you say you talked to the other husband, what did you tell him EXACTLY?

This is not something that can be glossed over and swept under the rug.

Yes, give him about 2 weeks. You have already done this. You have done is so long that oyu made yourself look desperate and unattractive. This is why Dr Harley only advocates Plan A for 3-4 weeks. You are WAY over that.

Ma'am, if you want to have any hope here, you need to buck up and start fighting for your marriage. All I see here is a whole lot of enabling. And enabling does not save marriages. This is so far gone that I have serious doubts.

Expose the affair! Go into Plan B immediately! And move away.

He wants a divorce. He wants everything separate. He wants to set up a schedule of when we spend time with the kids. He avoids conversation with me. He does things with the kids withou me purposefully leaving me out. He won't go do stuf with us as a family. He doesn't want me to do things for him or meet his emotional needs. So does it hurt me to give him exactly what he wants? Am I just making it easier for him move on?

He has already moved on. This should be about what is best FOR YOU. What he wants is not relevant because he is only interested in his own selfish needs. He has already moved on and you should do that too. Hanging around while he mistreats and abuses you is not attractive and only makes the likelihood of reconciliation even more remote.

The best thing for YOU is to separate and go into a very dark Plan B. Do you have the book Survivng an Affair? Do you know what Plan B means?

Ma'am I would also strongly suggest you file for divorce so that you are legally protected. You need financial protection in addition to primary custody. I would try and get your house sold ASAP so you can get out of the place where this horrible tragedy took place. You need to do that for your mental health.

Welcome to MB and I'm so sorry you are going through this. If you don't have Surviving an Affair you need to get it and read it yesterday. I going to say the same thing many others have already said but I know this is a big deal for you and you need to know you are making the right choices.

If you read Surviving an Affair you will understand why we are giving you the advise we are giving you. I know despite the horrible thing your husband has done to you and your family you want to still hang on. Even God who hates divorce allows it when an affair is present.

You maybe going through shock right now but it is time to wake up. Move to a very dark Plan B, see a Dr for your depression and plan for a divorce. When his affair dies (because they almost always do), if you still have love for him left to take him back and he is willing to go through the steps in Surviving an Affair, (with no exceptions), then repost here.

By the way proper exposure as outlined on Melody's signature will speed up this process.

Giving him what he wants is a GOOD thing. Then he can see what it's really like! It's not going to be as wonderful as he imagines. Let him deal with the reality he's creating and protect yourself and the kids.

Hi,

My husband was having an affair and we are now in recovery. My husband is dealing with a lot of emotions. I don't know that he can pinpoint them really. During this past year, he has done this before where we have tried to work on our marriage and then he gets overwhelmed with all these emotions. At the beginning my husband is all on board, willing to do whatever it takes. Then quite a few weeks later, what I call fears start to surface. He starts thinking this will not work. We won't be able to be in love again. We won't be able to have the relationship we want. So on and so forth. He tells me he isn't in love with me, which after everything that has happened I understand it. Of course I don't like hearing it, no spouse would, but I know where it is coming from. Feelings change and those feelings of being in love can come back. So what happens typically when he gets overwhelmed with all these emotions and things aren't happening like he would like yet, he bails and has gone back to the OW. That hasn't happened and honestly I'm not so sure it will. Honestly my focus is more what I can do for him to keep his hope alive and to continue to encourage him and see the light at the end of the tunnel.

What I am asking here is what are some things to help him get passed these emotions? What are some things to help him stay on track to achieve what he truly wants, for us to be together in a happy fulfilling marriage? I guess I am almost looking for a game plan for to help him through this time.

I hope all of this makes sense and I am communicating what I am looking for clearly...

Thank you!

When was the last time he had any contact with the OW? How far away does she live?

Are you still neighbors to the OW? Did you move?

Last contact was late December. She still lives in the city about 10 minutes away. She is no longer our neighbor. We still live in the same house. My husband is actually had an interview for a position in a different state and it looks promising. We are waiting on a response.

Ten minutes is close enough for him go over there. He probably also runs into her often.

Do you have spyware on his devices to confirm NC since late December?

And GPS to confirm his whereabouts?

Red flags all. He won't take that job and needs to distract you from the fact he doesn't want to move.

If you were to say 'Very well, there's the door' you'd probably see another swing. At least until the mistress swings him back.

You know that all affairs resume whenever possible right? They're addictions.

You would probably do very well moving away yourself into Plan B. He could follow as the affair would fall apart.

Here's the checklist from Dr. Harley about how to end an affair:

Has all of this been done?

Ten minutes away from the OW is far too close. He needs to find a job - quickly - that is far from where she lives. And even then, transparency will need to become a way of life.

He wants to get the job. He wants to move. We are just waiting on the company's response. I was in plan b. We have addressed the precautions.

But you have to FOLLOW the precautions in order for them to be effective. You are not currently following them.

What's his plan for following the checklist?

You have been in Plan A for too long a time to successfully recover from the damage that your WH is carelessly inflicting upon you and on the long-term health of your marriage, with his anything less than 100% adamant commitment to cease and desist all contact with OW.

That is what, from your original question, the WH should be DOING to recommit to the marriage. Your original post was from last June. He is STILL in contact with OW, and your Plan A is STILL inconsequential to your goal in saving your marriage, beacuse your WH still has another option, overt or not, in keeping you insecure while he holds his candle for someone else.

It's time to protect yourself. As many others have advised, for your health and well-being (your WH cannot competently care for your health and well being, nor can he effectively care for the long-term health of your marriage in the aftermath of his long-term affair, EA or PA), you have to give up on him and your hope of his becoming the man you thought he was, and the man he probably seemd to be before his involvement with OW.

If you've confronted OW and run her off for good and that has not worked, know that you've done your very best to save your marriage. Go into Plan B, and get yourself away from him for good.

There is no way anything you can do will make him happy as long as OW is waiting in the wings. Your love bank despoits are going into a sieve. You've loved him more than he's worth, and he's willing to keep you in competition with someone else indefinitely.

Plan A is a 3-week prescription at best for the strongest of betrayed wives. You have been in Plan A for 8 months. As I was once told here on this forum, 8 months in Plan A while your WH atays in contact his his OW is the same as letting your WH kick you in the stomach every day for 8 months straight.