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Originally Posted by choosingjoy
He wants a divorce. He wants everything separate. He wants to set up a schedule of when we spend time with the kids. He avoids conversation with me. He does things with the kids withou me purposefully leaving me out. He won't go do stuf with us as a family. He doesn't want me to do things for him or meet his emotional needs. So does it hurt me to give him exactly what he wants? Am I just making it easier for him move on?

He has already moved on. This should be about what is best FOR YOU. What he wants is not relevant because he is only interested in his own selfish needs. He has already moved on and you should do that too. Hanging around while he mistreats and abuses you is not attractive and only makes the likelihood of reconciliation even more remote.

The best thing for YOU is to separate and go into a very dark Plan B. Do you have the book Survivng an Affair? Do you know what Plan B means?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Ma'am I would also strongly suggest you file for divorce so that you are legally protected. You need financial protection in addition to primary custody. I would try and get your house sold ASAP so you can get out of the place where this horrible tragedy took place. You need to do that for your mental health.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Welcome to MB and I'm so sorry you are going through this. If you don't have Surviving an Affair you need to get it and read it yesterday. I going to say the same thing many others have already said but I know this is a big deal for you and you need to know you are making the right choices.

If you read Surviving an Affair you will understand why we are giving you the advise we are giving you. I know despite the horrible thing your husband has done to you and your family you want to still hang on. Even God who hates divorce allows it when an affair is present.

You maybe going through shock right now but it is time to wake up. Move to a very dark Plan B, see a Dr for your depression and plan for a divorce. When his affair dies (because they almost always do), if you still have love for him left to take him back and he is willing to go through the steps in Surviving an Affair, (with no exceptions), then repost here.

By the way proper exposure as outlined on Melody's signature will speed up this process.


Me 40M
Wife 43F
3 kids 9M, 5M, 1F

Together 15 yrs, Married 10 yrs, live together most of our dating life. Did not live together our year of our engagement. Working hard to fall more in love with my wife.
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Giving him what he wants is a GOOD thing. Then he can see what it's really like! It's not going to be as wonderful as he imagines. Let him deal with the reality he's creating and protect yourself and the kids.

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Hi,

My husband was having an affair and we are now in recovery. My husband is dealing with a lot of emotions. I don't know that he can pinpoint them really. During this past year, he has done this before where we have tried to work on our marriage and then he gets overwhelmed with all these emotions. At the beginning my husband is all on board, willing to do whatever it takes. Then quite a few weeks later, what I call fears start to surface. He starts thinking this will not work. We won't be able to be in love again. We won't be able to have the relationship we want. So on and so forth. He tells me he isn't in love with me, which after everything that has happened I understand it. Of course I don't like hearing it, no spouse would, but I know where it is coming from. Feelings change and those feelings of being in love can come back. So what happens typically when he gets overwhelmed with all these emotions and things aren't happening like he would like yet, he bails and has gone back to the OW. That hasn't happened and honestly I'm not so sure it will. Honestly my focus is more what I can do for him to keep his hope alive and to continue to encourage him and see the light at the end of the tunnel.

What I am asking here is what are some things to help him get passed these emotions? What are some things to help him stay on track to achieve what he truly wants, for us to be together in a happy fulfilling marriage? I guess I am almost looking for a game plan for to help him through this time.

I hope all of this makes sense and I am communicating what I am looking for clearly...

Thank you!

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When was the last time he had any contact with the OW? How far away does she live?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Are you still neighbors to the OW? Did you move?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Last contact was late December. She still lives in the city about 10 minutes away. She is no longer our neighbor. We still live in the same house. My husband is actually had an interview for a position in a different state and it looks promising. We are waiting on a response.

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Originally Posted by choosingjoy
Last contact was late December. She still lives in the city about 10 minutes away. She is no longer our neighbor. We still live in the same house. My husband is actually had an interview for a position in a different state and it looks promising. We are waiting on a response.

Ten minutes is close enough for him go over there. He probably also runs into her often.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by choosingjoy
Last contact was late December. She still lives in the city about 10 minutes away. She is no longer our neighbor. We still live in the same house. My husband is actually had an interview for a position in a different state and it looks promising. We are waiting on a response.
Do you have spyware on his devices to confirm NC since late December?

And GPS to confirm his whereabouts?


FWW/BW (me)
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Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by choosingjoy
Then quite a few weeks later, what I call fears start to surface. He starts thinking this will not work. We won't be able to be in love again. We won't be able to have the relationship we want.


frown

Red flags all. He won't take that job and needs to distract you from the fact he doesn't want to move.

If you were to say 'Very well, there's the door' you'd probably see another swing. At least until the mistress swings him back.




What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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You know that all affairs resume whenever possible right? They're addictions.

You would probably do very well moving away yourself into Plan B. He could follow as the affair would fall apart.



What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Here's the checklist from Dr. Harley about how to end an affair:
Originally Posted by Dr. Harley, Surviving an Affair
From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

Has all of this been done?

Ten minutes away from the OW is far too close. He needs to find a job - quickly - that is far from where she lives. And even then, transparency will need to become a way of life.


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He wants to get the job. He wants to move. We are just waiting on the company's response. I was in plan b. We have addressed the precautions.

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Originally Posted by choosingjoy
He wants to get the job. He wants to move. We are just waiting on the company's response. I was in plan b. We have addressed the precautions.

But you have to FOLLOW the precautions in order for them to be effective. You are not currently following them.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by choosingjoy
He wants to get the job. He wants to move. We are just waiting on the company's response. I was in plan b. We have addressed the precautions.
What's his plan for following the checklist?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
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Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by choosingjoy
Hi,

My husband was having an affair and we are now in recovery. My husband is dealing with a lot of emotions. I don't know that he can pinpoint them really. During this past year, he has done this before where we have tried to work on our marriage and then he gets overwhelmed with all these emotions. At the beginning my husband is all on board, willing to do whatever it takes. Then quite a few weeks later, what I call fears start to surface. He starts thinking this will not work. We won't be able to be in love again. We won't be able to have the relationship we want. So on and so forth. He tells me he isn't in love with me, which after everything that has happened I understand it. Of course I don't like hearing it, no spouse would, but I know where it is coming from. Feelings change and those feelings of being in love can come back. So what happens typically when he gets overwhelmed with all these emotions and things aren't happening like he would like yet, he bails and has gone back to the OW. That hasn't happened and honestly I'm not so sure it will. Honestly my focus is more what I can do for him to keep his hope alive and to continue to encourage him and see the light at the end of the tunnel.

What I am asking here is what are some things to help him get passed these emotions? What are some things to help him stay on track to achieve what he truly wants, for us to be together in a happy fulfilling marriage? I guess I am almost looking for a game plan for to help him through this time.

I hope all of this makes sense and I am communicating what I am looking for clearly...

Thank you!

You have been in Plan A for too long a time to successfully recover from the damage that your WH is carelessly inflicting upon you and on the long-term health of your marriage, with his anything less than 100% adamant commitment to cease and desist all contact with OW.

That is what, from your original question, the WH should be DOING to recommit to the marriage. Your original post was from last June. He is STILL in contact with OW, and your Plan A is STILL inconsequential to your goal in saving your marriage, beacuse your WH still has another option, overt or not, in keeping you insecure while he holds his candle for someone else.

It's time to protect yourself. As many others have advised, for your health and well-being (your WH cannot competently care for your health and well being, nor can he effectively care for the long-term health of your marriage in the aftermath of his long-term affair, EA or PA), you have to give up on him and your hope of his becoming the man you thought he was, and the man he probably seemd to be before his involvement with OW.

If you've confronted OW and run her off for good and that has not worked, know that you've done your very best to save your marriage. Go into Plan B, and get yourself away from him for good.

There is no way anything you can do will make him happy as long as OW is waiting in the wings. Your love bank despoits are going into a sieve. You've loved him more than he's worth, and he's willing to keep you in competition with someone else indefinitely.

Plan A is a 3-week prescription at best for the strongest of betrayed wives. You have been in Plan A for 8 months. As I was once told here on this forum, 8 months in Plan A while your WH atays in contact his his OW is the same as letting your WH kick you in the stomach every day for 8 months straight.




Married 31 years, 5 kids, 4 GK



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