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Where to start.. let me start off by saying I was reffered to this forum by QueenysAdventures, she is my mother in law. I married her daughter last year on August 3rd. Currently, in April we will have been together for 8 years. We have a son together who will be turning 5 in May.
We have had our fare share of rocky times early when I emotionally cheated on her when I took her for granted about 7 years ago. She eventually forgave me but, like any normal person, hasn't forgotten. I feel absolutely horrible for putting her through this.
For the last couple years of our relationship, communication has broken down. Now that we've had blow ups and our issues are out on the table I can see how me being controlling, manipulative, demeaning can cause anyone to shut down because if they put their feelings out there, they will only get shut down by being told how to fix the issue rather than sitting down and sympathizing with her issue. I recognize this now and I'm going to my first counseling session a week from today to start tackling these issues. It's my belief that they stem from my parents divorcing when I was 8, and being molested when I was alone on a long distance train when I was 14. I had no control in those situations, so now I try to control everything around me.. or at least that's what I think..
The friday before Christmas we had an argument, to this day I cannot tell you a word of what was said because I've got through the ringer since. Saturday morning, I got up, told the wife it felt awkward at home and asked if I should just leave. She replied with only nodding her head and off I went to pack my stuff in my car, or what I can fit in the car, and left to goto a bar then later to a buddies house. While in the car I bought a pack of smokes, something after almost 4 years I told myself I'd never do again. After a few days apart, I told her I wanted to see my son open the gifts we had gotten him on Christmas morning. Since we were going to my brothers Christmas eve night to celebrate Christmas with my father she said I could just stay the night so I can be there in the morning. Since that night I have not left the house.
She went to her first counseling visit on NYE, where she came back and sat me down telling me the best way to make this work, is to act like we are divorced without a divorce. At the time I didn't understand, now I believe it's to give me a chance to turn myself around and change my behaviors and the way I interact with her.
To preface where the crap went down hill even further. I'm on day 13 of Chantex, a quit smoking pill that's main side effect is.. depression. So I'm not thinking clearly the past two weeks.
Two weeks in or so I see she adds a friend on facebook, I ask her about it, she says it just a friend from work. Well he works in a completely different industry than her so I found that odd. Fast forward to Feb 2nd, I forgot my wallet at home while on my way to work, I turn around to go and grab it, she's in the shower but her phone is on her bed(yes we are in separate beds) and I see it lit up. Normally I have never intruded into her personal life, but with my suspicions I couldn't help myself. It was this friend, saying "Aww (wife) :(" I was broken, went to work absolutely broken. A man who blocked me on facebook is comforting my wife during this time of space where this is supposed to repair us. I do my best not to flip out.. Fast forward to this past Saturday, I see another text while she is in the shower, it's from her friend and it says "Do you want me to order pizza when you get here? :)" I was devastated and hurt. I felt as if my beliefs were confirmed by her going over to his place and spending quality time with this man.
The next day I write a letter, explaining why I am the way I am today as I have never admitted to her about me being molested. I laid it all out there, Queeny and another friend from this site both have said no ultimatums and don't bring this man into it, it should have only been about me and me alone. But I didn't listen. She was listening and crying through the first part when I kept it on me, later when I went on about the man I said I saw the text yesterday and she stormed into her room crying after saying "I [censored] knew you did!" I then gave her the ultimatum through the door.
The next day I come home from after work school, broken. We talked over text messages and she said shes done, she's been pushed over the edge and she is done. Fast forward to that evening.. Her girlfriend is over and without looking at either of them as I enter, I say I'm sorry for everything, that I'm fighting for my marriage. Fast forward her friend leaves I'm in the room curled up balling, she comes in to say something but see's me and leaves. I approach her in the bathroom after I collected myself to see if she needed something. It wasn't anything important, but then she saw I wanted to speak my mind. She let me reiterate the first two paragraphs that were about me, then I apologized for forcing her to make a decision, that it's her place to do it on her own. I was a balling mess and so was she. She told me during said conversation that all is okay and that she wasn't going to view it as a step backwards.

Fast forward to last night, one of her girlfriends opens up to me under the preface that she wished someone would have done it for her. She tells me that my wife has slept with this guy, that I don't show her the love she needs/I talk down to her/I don't make her feel important. And that she wants a divorce and she planned to file for one this month. This morning I couldn't keep myself together, she could tell something was deeply bothering me she sends me a message on the way to work saying she's done with the emotional roller coaster I'm on, she doesn't have the time or energy to wonder each day if I'm angry with her or what and says again.. she's done. During this conversation however she said something that kinda caught my eye.. "Either stop taking the effing meds or leave me the eff alone" I've admitted in the past week that these pills are messing with my head, today I've decided that quitting smoking will have to wait as these pills are not healthy for me.
So here I am today, Queeny and my other councilor bud told me to protect myself. The other councilor said I should go file for a divorce today as the petitioner generally controls the process he also believes that she sounds done in this whole process. As of last night and this morning I was pretty set on divorce. But to be honest, I feel like I can forgive her and move forward, if I go that route I was going to get her a bunch of daiseys as that's her favorite flower and I've never given her any, only roses. And a rose and a hot chocolate from starbucks.

I want to ask her for one last chance without the drugs in my brain.. but I feel like it'll only fall on deaf ears.

I obviously need some help. I'm going to a co-dependance meeting tonight to start that whole process.


-Jude

Last edited by JudeTheApostle; 02/13/15 05:31 PM.
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I wanted to edit my original post to add the thread to my watched posts.. but I couldn't edit it again. Sorry for the selfless bump.

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Welcome to MB, Jude.

You don't need to edit to "watch" the thread. Just go to the top of thread and click "topic options" - "Add this topic to your watched threads". You also need to set your preferences to have watched topics emailed to you. Go to "my stuff' to set that preference.

I think you should ask to have this thread moved to the forum Surviving an Affair. It isn't appropriate for the Divorce forum. Click "notify" and ask for it to be moved.


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Originally Posted by JudeTheApostle
Where to start.. let me start off by saying I was reffered to this forum by QueenysAdventures, she is my mother in law. I married her daughter last year on August 3rd. Currently, in April we will have been together for 8 years. We have a son together who will be turning 5 in May.

We have had our fare share of rocky times early when I emotionally cheated on her when I took her for granted about 7 years ago. She eventually forgave me but, like any normal person, hasn't forgotten. I feel absolutely horrible for putting her through this.

For the last couple years of our relationship, communication has broken down. Now that we've had blow ups and our issues are out on the table I can see how me being controlling, manipulative, demeaning can cause anyone to shut down because if they put their feelings out there, they will only get shut down by being told how to fix the issue rather than sitting down and sympathizing with her issue. I recognize this now and I'm going to my first counseling session a week from today to start tackling these issues. It's my belief that they stem from my parents divorcing when I was 8, and being molested when I was alone on a long distance train when I was 14. I had no control in those situations, so now I try to control everything around me.. or at least that's what I think..

The friday before Christmas we had an argument, to this day I cannot tell you a word of what was said because I've got through the ringer since. Saturday morning, I got up, told the wife it felt awkward at home and asked if I should just leave. She replied with only nodding her head and off I went to pack my stuff in my car, or what I can fit in the car, and left to goto a bar then later to a buddies house.

While in the car I bought a pack of smokes, something after almost 4 years I told myself I'd never do again. After a few days apart, I told her I wanted to see my son open the gifts we had gotten him on Christmas morning. Since we were going to my brothers Christmas eve night to celebrate Christmas with my father she said I could just stay the night so I can be there in the morning. Since that night I have not left the house.

She went to her first counseling visit on NYE, where she came back and sat me down telling me the best way to make this work, is to act like we are divorced without a divorce.

At the time I didn't understand, now I believe it's to give me a chance to turn myself around and change my behaviors and the way I interact with her.

To preface where the crap went down hill even further. I'm on day 13 of Chantex, a quit smoking pill that's main side effect is.. depression. So I'm not thinking clearly the past two weeks.

Two weeks in or so I see she adds a friend on facebook, I ask her about it, she says it just a friend from work. Well he works in a completely different industry than her so I found that odd. Fast forward to Feb 2nd, I forgot my wallet at home while on my way to work, I turn around to go and grab it, she's in the shower but her phone is on her bed(yes we are in separate beds) and I see it lit up.

Normally I have never intruded into her personal life, but with my suspicions I couldn't help myself. It was this friend, saying "Aww (wife) :(" I was broken, went to work absolutely broken. A man who blocked me on facebook is comforting my wife during this time of space where this is supposed to repair us. I do my best not to flip out.. Fast forward to this past Saturday, I see another text while she is in the shower, it's from her friend and it says "Do you want me to order pizza when you get here? :)" I was devastated and hurt. I felt as if my beliefs were confirmed by her going over to his place and spending quality time with this man.

The next day I write a letter, explaining why I am the way I am today as I have never admitted to her about me being molested. I laid it all out there, Queeny and another friend from this site both have said no ultimatums and don't bring this man into it, it should have only been about me and me alone.

But I didn't listen. She was listening and crying through the first part when I kept it on me, later when I went on about the man I said I saw the text yesterday and she stormed into her room crying after saying "I [censored] knew you did!" I then gave her the ultimatum through the door.

The next day I come home from after work school, broken. We talked over text messages and she said shes done, she's been pushed over the edge and she is done. Fast forward to that evening.. Her girlfriend is over and without looking at either of them as I enter, I say I'm sorry for everything, that I'm fighting for my marriage.

Fast forward her friend leaves I'm in the room curled up balling, she comes in to say something but see's me and leaves. I approach her in the bathroom after I collected myself to see if she needed something. It wasn't anything important, but then she saw I wanted to speak my mind. She let me reiterate the first two paragraphs that were about me, then I apologized for forcing her to make a decision, that it's her place to do it on her own. I was a balling mess and so was she.

She told me during said conversation that all is okay and that she wasn't going to view it as a step backwards.

Fast forward to last night, one of her girlfriends opens up to me under the preface that she wished someone would have done it for her. She tells me that my wife has slept with this guy, that I don't show her the love she needs/I talk down to her/I don't make her feel important. And that she wants a divorce and she planned to file for one this month.

This morning I couldn't keep myself together, she could tell something was deeply bothering me she sends me a message on the way to work saying she's done with the emotional roller coaster I'm on, she doesn't have the time or energy to wonder each day if I'm angry with her or what and says again.. she's done.

During this conversation however she said something that kinda caught my eye.. "Either stop taking the effing meds or leave me the eff alone" I've admitted in the past week that these pills are messing with my head, today I've decided that quitting smoking will have to wait as these pills are not healthy for me.

So here I am today, Queeny and my other councilor bud told me to protect myself. The other councilor said I should go file for a divorce today as the petitioner generally controls the process he also believes that she sounds done in this whole process. As of last night and this morning I was pretty set on divorce. But to be honest, I feel like I can forgive her and move forward, if I go that route I was going to get her a bunch of daiseys as that's her favorite flower and I've never given her any, only roses. And a rose and a hot chocolate from starbucks.

I want to ask her for one last chance without the drugs in my brain.. but I feel like it'll only fall on deaf ears.

I obviously need some help. I'm going to a co-dependance meeting tonight to start that whole process.


-Jude

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Quote
Queeny and another friend from this site both have said no ultimatums and don't bring this man into it, it should have only been about me and me alone.

I don't understand why you were told "don't bring this man into it." Why would you ignore the presence of an OM? dontknow

Welcome to MB, Jude.


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
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If you want to attempt Recovery you need to Plan A your WW, clean up your side of the street, and expose the OM/affair. Forgiving a WS is not an MB concept FYI.


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Sir,

I will recap everything you wrote in your original post and explain what is needed:

First, you and your wife cohabited together before marriage. Living together created bad habits that affected and continues to affect your marriage. You can read about those habits here: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8110_cohabitation.html

Second, as a result of these bad habits your wife has no personal boundaries around the opposite sex and is having an affair with another man. She is not having "quality time" as you wrote in your post. She is having a sexual affair. There is nothing quality about adultery.
She is responsible for her affair. She is not having one because you were molested as a child or because you didn't listen to her. She is having one because she has poor boundaries around men and is selfish.

Dr. Harley would encourage you to gather evidence of her affair and expose it far and wide.

You can read for instructions on how to expose an affair here:
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2566583#Post2566583

Please read the above links and report back after doing so.

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Welcome to MB.

The Harleys will say that there may be reasons for an affair, but there aren't excuses. She's 100% responsible for her affair.

Is the OM married?

Notify the MODS and ask them to move this to SAA.



FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by Jedi_Knight
Sir,

I will recap everything you wrote in your original post and explain what is needed:

First, you and your wife cohabited together before marriage. Living together created bad habits that affected and continues to affect your marriage. You can read about those habits here: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8110_cohabitation.html

Second, as a result of these bad habits your wife has no personal boundaries around the opposite sex and is having an affair with another man. She is not having "quality time" as you wrote in your post. She is having a sexual affair. There is nothing quality about adultery.
She is responsible for her affair. She is not having one because you were molested as a child or because you didn't listen to her. She is having one because she has poor boundaries around men and is selfish.

Dr. Harley would encourage you to gather evidence of her affair and expose it far and wide.

You can read for instructions on how to expose an affair here:
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2566583#Post2566583

Please read the above links and report back after doing so.

One more thing: You will need to interact regularly to receive advice. All of the advice here is based on Dr. Harley's methods for saving marriages. The other website you have posted on is based on the personal philosophies of several people that do not know how to save marriages. If you want to have the best shot at saving your marriage you will need to follow Dr. Harley's program exclusively.

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By the way, my son-in-law doesn't spell my name very well. Dear, it's Queenie... I worked very hard for this. kiss

I would also add that my SIL has been getting advice from Jamesus, for those of you who remember him. So it's not just like anyone.

Q

Last edited by QueeniesAdventures; 02/13/15 08:14 PM.

BS 52, FWH 53, Married 1-1-84
D-day 5-14-07, WH moved in with OW
Plan A 9 months, DARK Plan B 3-17-08 until 3-2-09
WH and OW broke up 1-09
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Originally Posted by JudeTheApostle
I obviously need some help. I'm going to a co-dependance meeting tonight to start that whole process.
-Jude
Hi Jude, I'm sorry for the pain that brought you here, but happy that you listened to your mother in law and came here for help.

I want to comment to you about the codependency meeting. Here is what Dr. Harley has to say about that:How the Codependency Movement is Ruining Marriages


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It's interesting that all that stuff about your controlling behaviour did not stop her from marrying you last August. It is interesting that it only became a deal-breaker when she got stuck into her affair.

That is nonsense about your childhood being a cause of your behaviour, by the way. Who hasn't been molested on a train? Do you know who many women were touched up by random strangers when they were young? I know I was! Almost everyone has had something undesirable happen to them in their youth or childhood. A one-off incident simply cannot be the cause of your behaviour towards your wife today, now that you are a grown up.

YOU are the cause of your behaviour to your wife. You treated her as you did because you thought it was okay to do so. You are in control of how you treat her now, and the solution to being controlling, manipulative and demeaning is to STOP.

You have a child together, and she chose to marry you only last August. I take it that was an act of free will, and she did not do it because she was pregnant or had just had a baby and wanted to make a go of marriage to the father. If she was comfortable being unmarried for 4 years of his life, she clearly did not get married under the weight of social pressure - only to ignore social pressure by almost immediately leaving you for her affair partner.

Who is this man - an old boyfriend? How did she meet him, if he is in a completely different industry? Does she travel for work? Is he a client of her company's?

Is he married? Without breathing a word to your wife, you need to copy a list of his Facebook friends to a Word file, and then work out who his wife, children and close family members are and expose the affair to them in private Facebook messages. You also need to contact him and tell him to stay the hell away from your wife.

Don't file for divorce unless you want to be divorced, which it does not sound to me as if you do. If you want to give your marriage a shot, you need to put pressure on the affair so that it crumbles - and the best way to do that is by exposure - and you need to Plan A your wife and show yourself to be the better man. Plan A is a lengthy process, but if you act impetuously, you will lose your wife and son. That's okay if that's what you want to do, but not if you want to save your marriage.


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So there is an exposure plan in place, yes?

Who is being exposed to on your list? There are templates here.



What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Are you coming back Jude?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Are you coming back Jude?

He doesn't seem very serious about saving his marriage does he?

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He is serious, however... He is young and all over the map like so many of us were in the beginning. He isn't a very trusting person in general and he doesn't know you like I do.... he also has a bit of short term memory.

However, I have watched him these past few weeks, mistakes and all. And he is trying the best he knows how today...


BS 52, FWH 53, Married 1-1-84
D-day 5-14-07, WH moved in with OW
Plan A 9 months, DARK Plan B 3-17-08 until 3-2-09
WH and OW broke up 1-09
Started over 7-09
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Originally Posted by QueeniesAdventures
He is serious, however... He is young and all over the map like so many of us were in the beginning. He isn't a very trusting person in general and he doesn't know you like I do.... he also has a bit of short term memory.

However, I have watched him these past few weeks, mistakes and all. And he is trying the best he knows how today...
We can help him better if he would answer the questions and make responses on his thread.

Will he see his doctor for ADs? Dr. Harley recommends them during these tough times. They will help keep him at an even keel and help him stay focused.

When is he planning on exposing?

Have you told your daughter how disappointed you are and how she needs to end her affair?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by QueeniesAdventures
He is serious, however... He is young and all over the map like so many of us were in the beginning. He isn't a very trusting person in general and he doesn't know you like I do.... he also has a bit of short term memory.

However, I have watched him these past few weeks, mistakes and all. And he is trying the best he knows how today...

Well, it's obvious that "trying his best" wont do anything.
It's easy to identify those who are serious when they post here. He hasn't shown any resolve at all.
There is another poster here that arrived less than a day ago and has already started following Dr. Harley's plan and exposed his wayward wifes affair...within 24 hours of arriving.

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Oh yes. I have told my daughter exactly how I feel about this. Everyone walks their own way.

Some are more stubborn and think they can handle it. Other don't.





BS 52, FWH 53, Married 1-1-84
D-day 5-14-07, WH moved in with OW
Plan A 9 months, DARK Plan B 3-17-08 until 3-2-09
WH and OW broke up 1-09
Started over 7-09
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Can Queenie help her son in law with exposure? Do you know who this OM is?

Would it be helpful for Queenie to have a discussion with OM's parents and encourage them to talk to OM and ask him to stay out of her daughter's marriage?

It doesn't seem like Jude is going to expose, so can Queenie help him along?


Me: FWW/BW - 38 yrs
XH: FBH/WH - 41 yrs
Plan B
DS: 9yrs old (with H)
DD: 20yrs old
Divorced Dec 2014
WXH still living with POSOW

Actions mean EVERYTHING.
Words mean NOTHING.
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