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I'm getting my dating profiles up today. At least something.

Somehow my xH got through my email filters and I saw an email about a $5 coupon for Petco that he had accidentally deleted. That and some points at a hotel program we have. Yeah, felt sucked in.

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Really, an email about Petco? Who do these guys think they are fooling? That's the most unnecessary email of all time.


Me: 38, have been divorced for 4 years
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Yeah, that's what I thought. Wonder if the reality of paying his own way forever is sinking in.

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Very exciting day! I'm getting TV for the first time in nearly three years! We had been trying to save money and didn't get over the air stuff, but I'm like "this is what I want to do for a living and I am not willing to pay for it to do my research!?! That is crazy talk".

So Luna is getting her home setup and useful for Luna. smile

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Got a marriage builders followup email to fill out the love bank (we were doing the home course). I guess it has been a year. Wow.

I wrote back asking them to take us off the list. I did fill it out, out of curiosity, and it was about what you'd expect.

On a separate note, ADs are a miracle. If Dr. Harley hadn't recommend them, I don't think I would have gone that route and this would have all been so much harder.

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I really regret not doing ADs - I just made life harder for myself.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Indie, I do not know how you did it. I was not even functioning... or just barely.

I actually wish I had them when dating. I would have been a lot less anxious and probably would not have gotten myself into the situation I did. I tend towards anxiety naturally anyhow.

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Here is what I want to understand, which is common I think between Luna, Indie and me: what makes a renter propose marriage anyway?

My WH and I never really had a bad relationship, although there were some love busters, but looking back on things, there were boundary red flags. I am not sure why he even proposed when he would act as though he was into other women from time to time.


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Originally Posted by PigletWiglet
Here is what I want to understand, which is common I think between Luna, Indie and me: what makes a renter propose marriage anyway?

My WH and I never really had a bad relationship, although there were some love busters, but looking back on things, there were boundary red flags. I am not sure why he even proposed when he would act as though he was into other women from time to time.

Well, in my case I was unfamiliar with the mutual care in marriage as taught by Dr. Harley. I proposed to my wife when I was 23 or 24.
I was having pre-marital sex with her and enjoyed it. I also enjoyed conversations and having a close friend. My concepts of marriage were based largely on media such as Hollywood movies.

My parents, though still married since the age of 18, do not follow the POJA and live independent lifestyles. I based a large part of my views on marriage from what I witnessed growing up: Independent lifestyles.

As a consequence, my wife had an affair and I am now divorced.

Fortunately, I have since educated myself through reading Dr. Harley's books and listening to his Radio Show on the necessity for mutual care in marriage so that I know how to be a buyer the next time around.

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My xH was graduating college and told his parents he was going to live with me, in front of me. It was the first I'd heard of it. My response was "Oh, no you're not. I don't live with men". His roommate was moving, and I realize now in hindsight he was desperate for a way to pay the bills and it turns out I was not going to shack up with him. The only way to be with me was through marriage.

That isn't terrible in and of itself, but my big error was not waiting until he got a job and could provide, at least for himself. If he did that, and still wanted to be with me, that is worth a lot more than wanting to be with me versus being on the streets or living in his parent's basement. It would have shown a lot more commitment and less freeloading.


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It was really hard for me when my H had his A because we had been married almost 25 years by then and we had a good marriage for the most part (or so I thought but even he has said it) and had kind of naturally followed a lot of the MB principles anyway.

During that time in our lives a lot was going on, my H had recently lost his mom who he had a lot of unresolved issues with, he had just turned 50 and thought his life was over, we needed extra money so I was working a part time job on the weekends as well as full time during the week and three kids at home (our oldest had graduated the other 2 were still in high school) so UA was almost nonexistent during that time and add a younger attractive single OW who was coming on to him and boom!!!!

It just goes to show you that you have to work on yourself and your marriage or relationship at ALL times (including have good personal boundaries and making sure the person you are with does too)and if we forget even for a minute things can happen.

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SC, that is a good lesson for me. Thank you for sharing. That sounds awful.

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I agree with Still_Crazy.

I have had a short marriage and am still young, but we had a good marriage except for the few months leading up to the affair. We have a little kid and had a lot of stress for a few months--we had to move due to money/job issues, his dad died. He started his CrossFit program and boom, some girl with no boundaries just admired him SOO MUCH as a coach and his boundary issues came to the surface. Our UA time was also non-existent at the time and had very much diminished after the birth of our daughter. We used to spend all of every weekend together--just us. After she was born that didn't happen, of course.

I realize now that we both had some renterish tendencies, but as time went on in the marriage, I was shedding more of mine and he was accumulating more of his. For example, I had a job that I LOVED when we got married, but required me to travel almost 40% of the time internationally. I gave that job up. He is terrible with money and was on board with joint agreement on money for a while, but then started hiding spending from me.



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It has been a really rough couple of days. I have so wanted to break plan B because I leaned on H for so long. But I haven't. The 16th will be three months on the divorce.
I do regret going along with it. I keep saying I'm going to date, but have done nothing on that score. It's hard when I'm so busy in school.

It's just so hard when he has moved on with his new woman and I am left behind. I just want this feeling to go away. I am anxious all the time.

Love is an addiction, that is for sure. I feel like I'm going in withdrawals and really struggling.

Had to stand up for myself in some other areas of my life and I think that is triggering this. My apartment manager is flat-out refusing to enforce the smoke part of the Quiet Enjoyment clause (he's a smoker). He said I could get out of my lease early, no penalties but I can't face moving again. I'm still living in boxes here and feel so wrecked. I tracked down the building owner and sent him a certified letter and the managers written response, and a copy of the lease. I'm asking for rent money back for months I've had to deal with smoke, as well as moving expenses if they breech the lease. Ugh.

The hardest part of this is just getting forgotten by someone who you had committed your life to.

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Originally Posted by Jedi_Knight
Originally Posted by PigletWiglet
Here is what I want to understand, which is common I think between Luna, Indie and me: what makes a renter propose marriage anyway?

My WH and I never really had a bad relationship, although there were some love busters, but looking back on things, there were boundary red flags. I am not sure why he even proposed when he would act as though he was into other women from time to time.

Well, in my case I was unfamiliar with the mutual care in marriage as taught by Dr. Harley. I proposed to my wife when I was 23 or 24.
I was having pre-marital sex with her and enjoyed it. I also enjoyed conversations and having a close friend. My concepts of marriage were based largely on media such as Hollywood movies.

My parents, though still married since the age of 18, do not follow the POJA and live independent lifestyles. I based a large part of my views on marriage from what I witnessed growing up: Independent lifestyles.
.


My parents had a really happy MB style marriage, which I thought a bit limiting. I liked the Hollywood movie model better. However when that didn't appear to work I did step up and try to implement buyers habits I'd seen my whole life.

My ex's view of marriage was a little different. His dad can behave like a single man and his mother gives unconditional love - she basically brings home the bacon and cooks it too while he talks to anyone who can hear about how jealous she is.

I was a real catch for my H - and he thought a wedding ring would enable him to have his cake and eat it too. I don't think for a moment he intended on affairs but he definitely got more lax and brought in more IB after marriage.

Like the living together article:

"Becky's husband, Ed, would not have dared transform the garage (and himself) before they got married because she would have left him if he had. Before marriage he took her feelings into account because if he had not, their relationship would have ended.....

"Ed's idea of commitment was that Becky wouldn't leave him if he were thoughtless. Her commitment gave him the impression that he could do after marriage what he could not have done before marriage. And he may have gone so far as to assume that he was also committed not to leave her if she were thoughtless. In other words, his marriage vows didn't seem to have anything to do with a commitment to provide Becky care and thoughtfulness in marriage. It was simply a commitment not to leave her.

"If care and thoughtfulness are not a commitment in marriage, the commitment not to leave doesn't make much sense. Why commit yourself to stay in an uncaring and thoughtless relationship? This crucial misunderstanding of commitment may fully explain why those who cohabitate before marriage divorce so soon after marriage. They are making a commitment that no one in their right mind would keep."

So true.

We never lived together first but in hindsight he was always trying to manoeuvre me into a position where he had no competition (engagement ring went on me before college) but he was free to do as he pleased. I had a lot of IB too so he thought I was the perfect accessory for his lifestyle.


Last edited by indiegirl; 03/03/15 06:23 AM.

What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Originally Posted by luna_alpha
It has been a really rough couple of days. I have so wanted to break plan B because I leaned on H for so long. But I haven't. The 16th will be three months on the divorce.
I do regret going along with it. I keep saying I'm going to date, but have done nothing on that score. It's hard when I'm so busy in school.

It's just so hard when he has moved on with his new woman and I am left behind. I just want this feeling to go away. I am anxious all the time.

Love is an addiction, that is for sure. I feel like I'm going in withdrawals and really struggling.

Had to stand up for myself in some other areas of my life and I think that is triggering this. My apartment manager is flat-out refusing to enforce the smoke part of the Quiet Enjoyment clause (he's a smoker). He said I could get out of my lease early, no penalties but I can't face moving again. I'm still living in boxes here and feel so wrecked. I tracked down the building owner and sent him a certified letter and the managers written response, and a copy of the lease. I'm asking for rent money back for months I've had to deal with smoke, as well as moving expenses if they breech the lease. Ugh.


Don't date until you are really happy. Its still quite early days for you, remember.

Originally Posted by luna_alpha
The hardest part of this is just getting forgotten by someone who you had committed your life to.


Is anything still triggering you? It could be anything from his Twitter feed to his horoscope.

If not, give it time. Of course he will forget you - that's what no contact is for. I dearly hope my ex has forgotten me by now and is unlikely to ever darken my doorway again.



What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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I have been thinking about you

***EDIT***

Last edited by Toujours; 03/03/15 11:24 AM. Reason: TOS: Non-MB
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I think what's triggering me is just having challenges. For all he wasn't, I did get some comfort from him and our relationship in hard times. I have too many balls in the air and just want to be a wife with a comfortable home and family for a bit. That was the reward I always wanted for working hard.

It is hard to accept that he really wasn't a buyer. We could have a sort of MB marriage if I could bend my life around his, but it never really felt like a true win-win negotiation because of course it wasn't.

My H definitely brought a lot more IB the longer the marriage went. By the time we moved out west, he was planning his new identity and I really had nothing to do with it. He was going to be a biker/hiker/granola head. Not really me at all. Towards the end, he flat told me (and Steve Harley) that he wanted to do what he wanted to do without having to hear me complain about it. I've heard often enough here that complaints are opportunities but I did feel all that heard or welcome to express them.

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Originally Posted by luna_alpha
It is hard to accept that he really wasn't a buyer. .


The momma's boy freeloader? The one with a bevy of different women, even at work, spoonfeeding him his every whim?

The one who not only failed to give you extraordinary care, but basically ordinary notice? Who you had to 'sweet talk' into being with you? The one who got mad whenever you were happy because it made you less pliable for manipulation?

Divorce is a get out of jail free card for you. You are making films with famous people for crying out loud and you were a quivering wreck when you got here.

Having a day here and there when the injustice of the entire fraud sideswipes you is pretty normal.

As long as you are on plan and not being triggered a happy life awaits you.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Originally Posted by luna_alpha
I think what's triggering me is just having challenges.


What challenges?



What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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