Melody, I absolutely agree. I have thought and thought about this. I'm not sure if it's a good idea to say anything and risk offending the judge. Around here we tend to have a lot of "good ol boys" and this man may or may not be open to hearing a different point of view. I would hope he would, but I'm a little afraid that if not, I risk having him be less sympathetic to me which won't be good when it comes time to assign spousal support. I don't know. I'll have to think about it done more. I mean,obviously I would say it respectfully and that might make all the difference.

Perhaps, your lawyer could earn her money and actually DEFEND you from wrongful blame?

You have four kids. How much leeway does this judge actually have? Can you ask the lawyer if there are schedules in your state for that?

Agreed with ML about the lawyer defending you from wrongful blame. This is explicitly against the policy of a lot of companies and government institutions for a reason - it is not acceptable behavior. It shows lying, deceit and untrustworthiness. Who wants an employee like that?!?

It was probably also your fault that he had an affair, right? And also your fault that he abandoned his wife and children... Sorta feels like blaming the rape victim for wearing racy clothes, doesn't it?

When do you go to court? Maybe it would help if we worked out some talking points for the judge so he understands your reasoning?

Something to the effect of "Dear Judge, I did expose WS's affair at the workplace on the advice of clinical psychologist, Dr Bill Harley, who authored Surviving an Affair. The purpose was not vindictive, but to make the workplace aware of his affair so they could put a stop to it. I felt certain his workplace would find out and feared he might be fired on the spot for his unprofessional workplace behavior. I hoped they would have more sympathy if it came from me.

I want to save my marriage and my children's family and I know that affairs are much harder to maintain when others know about them. Dr. Harley maintains that since affairs thrive on secrecy, they often end much sooner if exposed. I submit his article on exposure."

Infidelity is Abuse!!!

Would your attorney or the judge suggest that covering up Abuse to conceal the acts of the perpetrator of the Abuse be taking the High Road?

LTL

Would they say the same thing to a rape victim? "Take the high road!!" Stay in touch with him! It just makes my blood boil how callous people are about the grief of others. Isn't it so easy to be cavalier when it is not their ox getting gored?

I don't think I would bring it up to the judge but I would be prepared with a brief response if the judge gives you a "talking to." Since you WH is a LEO go to his agency's website and look for the Peace Officers Code of Ethics (or whatever it's called). Most agencies have something floating around out there about character...that they shouldn't do anything in their private lives to sully their character or reflect poorly on the Dept. Also that taxpayer's pay his salary, you could mention that it is wrong that your WH carried on his affair during workhours...that taxpayer money should be used to fiance his affair when he should be working. As a judge, he would look dumb to have issue with that. I wouldn't come across as too preachy but between what Mel suggested and this, you have ways to address it. Your WH's money is taxpayer money given his job.

There are child support schedules but not spousal support schedules. That is up to the judge's discretion in my state.

My court date is this coming Friday. My lawyer is hoping that we'll come to an agreement before then. I would.love that so I don't have to see WH.

I think I'll print out that article you linked, ML and mention it to my lawyer before Friday.

So I called another scout mom and asked her to bring my son home and she was happy to do it. There are a few parents who take turns bringing the boys home, and my kiddo is just going to join them. We live so close it's not a big deal for them to drop him off. When I took him to the meeting, WHs car was outside. I was a little worried that he might cause a fuss or insist on bringing kiddo home, but I guess not. And when I told kiddo he'd be riding home with his friend from now on, he seemed so relieved. I guess this has been weighing on him, too. I am really glad to have made this change. I didn't realize how hard it was on me to be depending on WH for that, and how much that made me think about him. Now I only have to think about him on visitation days, and really all I have to do is be ready to take the kids somewhere fun those days. No big deal, no inconvenience, just he either does or he doesn't, no skin off my back either way.

No court yet. We settled on an amount for support for now. WH tried claiming that he is on this shift because of the investigation (which he of course sees as my fault) and told his lawyer that he cannot work overtime/secondary jobs anymore. He's just too tired thanks to his new shift, it's unsafe. Even though he has worked that shift + secondary jobs before. Even though he made the switch to this shift before the investigation, and continued working the secondary jobs for six weeks until the investigation started.

He is giving me almost everything he's making, continuing to pay all the bills, and ending up with only $250ish to live on. (He is still living rent free as a courtesy officer at the apartment, and water is included. I don't know how he will pay electric, laundromat, food, and gas out of that, but I promise I am not worried one tiny bit. He's a grown up. He laid down with dogs, now he has to figure out how to deal with the fleas.)

My lawyer has assured me that final child and spousal support is based on his prior, higher income but I guess for now we just have to deal with the money he has coming in. The amount he has offered is definitely enough for us. Less than what he said he would give when he left, but not by much.

My lawyer said something again about the judge giving me a lecture, and I stopped her and told her how I felt about that, and when I had finished she said she thought I ought to testify if the judge said something, and that he would respect me for what I said and why I did what I did.

I feel so much better lately. I think not having the worry of how much money he's going to give me and when has been bigger than I expected. And not having to worry about whether he is bringing the boy home from scouts. I am still sad, and I miss him, but I am not in a constant state of emotional upheaval. It's much better.

So stinking proud of you!!

Now the goal is to sit back and learn to enjoy your life without him. There is a lot of time for this to turn around.

Thanks melody. I feel like I'm on my way so much more than I did even a few weeks ago. Just having everything settled in a way that I don't have to worry about what he's doing is such a relief all the time (i.e. when the money's coming or how much or if he's going to bring the kiddo home from scouts or if he's not, is he going to tell me on advance or keep putting the kiddo in middle).

I actually have had a couple of dreams about him this week, but they were just shopping together or driving together and happy dreams, rather than the ptsd flashback dreams I've had before. When I woke up from these, I just thought hmmm, that was a sweet dream and got up and went about my day.

Last week, my dryer quit working and I FIXED IT. In the meantime, I got a clothesline and installed it myself. While I was working, I was thinking over all the stuff his lawyer had said and how he's struggling at work and financially and I realized something. I am going to be ok. More than ok. Eventually, emotionally, financially, even if we don't recover. But he has completely derailed his career. He's not ruined, but it's a big mess and won't ever be what it could have been. This is a big shift in my thinking. I had honestly felt like he was going to be ok and I was going to be miserable and destitute, but that's not true.

Great update!!! Having a support Order will give you much relief. I'm glad you are feeling better!!

Dryers are a modern convenience.
For 50 million years, people dried their clothes outside.
I use a clothesline every day. It saves man produced energy.

Agreed - I have wanted a line for a long time.

Cobol, I did tell her. I told her exactly what I thought about it. She agreed.

How are you doing jkwpurple?

This morning, he texted kiddo that he is in court (for work, presumably) and will call when he's on his way. His regular pickup time is 9:30. He says he sent me a message but doesn't know if I got it. IM has heard nothing, so it seems he may have tried to contact me directly, but I have him blocked so I didn't get it. How to proceed?

He was also late on Tuesday night. He texted kiddo that he was stuck in traffic. I know that there was a wreck at my interstate exit. He didn't contact IM. He made it at 20 minutes late. He was told before that if he was 30 min late he forfeits the visit. So, should I just take the kids somewhere? Should I cut him slack for work? Traffic? Or just be like the drs office - if you're late you've missed your appointment. Period.