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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
In that case, it just flushed the plan out sooner, rather than later so you can deal with it.

Bingo!


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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She will clearly need to bring the kids back and be faced with some difficult choices. I can only hope that her choice will be to work on a plan for marital recovery. I think this other relationship is completely irrational.. .her decision not to give it up is completely irrational, and he decision not to follow the MB plan and have a great marriage is completely irrational. I just don't know what action she will take at this point. We have two kids and we need to live near eachother and interact with eachother... why not have a great marriage? doesn't that make life so much easier? I can only hope and pray that she starts to see the logic in that.

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No! Hope is not a plan.

She will NOT see any rationality or logic until the A has been hit through the heart. Count on that and account for that. Not even then, as she needs to go through withdrawal.

Her irrationality is what will destroy it. Her relationships will struggle and she will put pressure on the OM to help her and replace that support and he will fail her. That has to play out while you act like the better guy you are. The only one who can actually help her.

When are you getting the kids back? Can you call a different lawyer?


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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There's no way we can know if his attorney is doing a great job or is lazy. His local attorney is the one that should know how things work locally and how things progress with the judge they've been assigned.

His wife could be just taking a trip to clear her mind and be home in a week or two, maybe she's quickly threw this plan together and hopes to "steal" her children and relocate in her home state OR this could actually be a long term plan she's been strategizing and working on for some time (even to the extent of faking an affair so make her husband behave irrationally appearing so she could take custody). The later is far-fetched but we don't know and these cases can drag on for years and get really muddy OR she just returns home quickly.

He's got to get orders but he can't act crazy in the process. Courts are full up with men DEMANDING their rights. Judges just don't listen anymore and the louder your yell the more prevailing the arguments against you (that you are a controlling, vindictive man seem correct).

The probably truth is...if his wife wants to stay gone with the kids for a long time she can and will. He's got to get an order and then SERVE her with an order. How is he going to do that when he's not sure where she is and who she is with? People in hiding are also tough to serve. People in hiding can convince people and even local law enforcement that they NEED protection. The more frantic the man gets...the more local persons and entities might protect her and the kids. Then she'll end up bring a protection case of her own in her own municipality trying to "restrain" her "soon to be ex husband" from bothering her and the kids and it becomes an interstate legal battle.

I came across the case I've linked below years ago. It's a absolute worst case scenario of what can happen when the betrayed husband finds himself underfunded and outplayed by a particularly nasty OM in the court system. This betrayed husband fought for his kids for 5 years tying to get them back home and lost primarily because he acted like an idiot just a couple of times, got recorded on the phone saying a couple of nasty things about the OM (who stole his kids) and some psychiatrist who never met OM labeled him a threat to his own children in absentia (OM just couldn't afford to travel across the country to fight a protective order on less than 7 days notice).

This is absolute WORST CASE SCENARIO and very uncommon and unlikely. Hopefully and prayerfully your wife either returns willingly very soon OR in short order after a court order. Read the appellate decision and then the Supreme Court ruling.

Raymond Scott v Dietta Scott - Kentucky Court of Appeals

Raymond Scott v Dietta Scott - Kentucky Supreme Court


Last thought. Your wife's best chance at actually being able to move out of state with your kids is to remain in your state, trump up as many charges of violence and anger she can against you and win primary custody of the children in your state. THEN, file for a modification of custody order indicating she wants to move with the children because her (or her new husband) have job opportunities elsewhere and it would be in the kids best interests to move with her. SOOOO....even if she comes back, you could still have the fight of your life on your hands.

Last Last Thought - your marriage isn't over. Filing for divorce (out of necessity) does move you closer to divorce than recovery but you can drag that case out indefinitely (especially as the petitioner) and then, you COULD even drop it and if she doesn't cross petition she'd have to start the process anew. It's not over....exposure is working and once calmer heads prevail she may come to understand that giving your marriage a chance is the best thing for her and the kids (and you).



FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered

"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
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Mr. Wondering's reply seems to make sense. I believe my attorney is doing everything possible until proven otherwise. I agree that it is important to keep a completely level head in all of this for the sake of my kids and also to win back my wife's respect. In my state/ county, the default is joint custody and the kids can never be moved out of state except in extreme circumstances. I strongly believe that the fantasy will not play out well. I just don't know if my wife will ever put away her bitterness and anger long enough to make a rational decision... to work on a marriage with a hard working, successful, faithful, attractive husband that is the father of her children will do absolutely anything for her and for the kids.. putting aside the fact that life isn't always perfect... bills need to get paid, problems come up, following POJA you don't always get your first choice.. but you can get something you can be happy with. You might not live exactly where you want to live.. .you may have to pick some friends that share both your values; you may have to respect your marriage enough to limit the extent of relationships to opposite sex friends. Isn't that what we all sign up for when we get married?

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All affairs are completely irrational. Hopefully she will choose the right thing.


Me: 38, have been divorced for 4 years
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You have a chance to save this, you exposed and she is reacting like all Waywards do�.It won't take long until the bubble bursts one way or the other��her family the OM now has to take full responsibility of her needs and I bet he didn't sign up for that kind of commitment��..who knows what other life he has been living along with having your wife as a ego booster�.
You seem to have done the right thing with the lawyer and hopefully that process will go as quickly as possible, your sons should be in school��..
Right now you have to stop worrying about her feelings, she isn't the woman you married she is high on the affair fog, she can't think clearly about you or the marriage right now�.not until the reality hits her �..stay patient, can you call her family to talk about at least speaking to your children���.convincing them they need their father too�...
��.they might surprise you�.in the mean time take care of yourself.


BW 56
WH 57
Married 25 years, live together for 2, dated 2 years before that.....
DS 23, DS 25
D-Day Nov 23/09
NC Mar 1/10
Working on Recovery
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tyoical,

It seems to me that Mr. Wondering has given you the best opinion and advice to-date here. I would take notes on his opinion and review them with your attorney just to get a little better perspective. Another opinion can never hurt, and if your attorney is in accord, that would indicate that everything legally available is being done. Wondering is right in stating that no one here could know of the ability of your attorney, except you based on his stance, and no one here could really know better than you your W's intent and 'plan' despite the stereotype of the WW.

At this time, I would treat this as a crisis situation that can only be dealt with legally, unless your W or a member of her family contacts you with a proposal for resolution. Rash acts, I think, most often level out when reality sets in.

You will have my prayers in the meantime until this is resolved.

Tom

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Indie,

With all due respect, why should he retain a different attorney? I think typicalman's W will see the logic in returning their kids to her H based on legal petitions, even tho it may take some time, despite her wayward attitude. At this point, I see this as more of a legal issue than an MB issue! Of course, we do not really know these people and can only base our comments on what they say.

Tom

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Originally Posted by typicalman
Mr. Wondering's reply seems to make sense. I believe my attorney is doing everything possible until proven otherwise. I agree that it is important to keep a completely level head in all of this for the sake of my kids and also to win back my wife's respect. In my state/ county, the default is joint custody and the kids can never be moved out of state except in extreme circumstances. I strongly believe that the fantasy will not play out well. I just don't know if my wife will ever put away her bitterness and anger long enough to make a rational decision... to work on a marriage with a hard working, successful, faithful, attractive husband that is the father of her children will do absolutely anything for her and for the kids.. putting aside the fact that life isn't always perfect... bills need to get paid, problems come up, following POJA you don't always get your first choice.. but you can get something you can be happy with. You might not live exactly where you want to live.. .you may have to pick some friends that share both your values; you may have to respect your marriage enough to limit the extent of relationships to opposite sex friends. Isn't that what we all sign up for when we get married?




She will not do anything rational until the A dies. That is to be expected.
Originally Posted by Tom2010
Indie,

With all due respect, why should he retain a different attorney? I think typicalman's W will see the logic in returning their kids to her H based on legal petitions, even tho it may take some time, despite her wayward attitude. At this point, I see this as more of a legal issue than an MB issue! Of course, we do not really know these people and can only base our comments on what they say.

Tom


I'm not saying he should, I asked if he could. If you want an important job doing you get quotes and advice from more than one professional. As experiences of lazy lawyers are endemic on these boards, it's worth sharing the experience that looking around has worked well for some.

If he's already done that/understands in full his lawyer's plan - great.



What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Indiegirl,

I agree with you based on how you explained. I just thought that Wondering;s advice was good, and to match it to his current attorney's advice. Bottom line here is that I think we are all concerned about typical and his M. From your comments that I've seen here, you seem to be a devoted person, and MB and the clients here are lucky to have you.

Tom

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smile

Last edited by indiegirl; 05/02/15 03:54 AM.

What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Keep the suggestions coming... I'm working the legal process (which is slow) and WW is continuing to not let me have access to the kids. She pulled them out of school with and has not returned their calls either. This was premeditated. ..lots of financial records, my computer, etc were taken. She knew what she was doing. It really hurts that she would do this to me and it's even worse than the affair.

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Do you have GPS tracking on her phone or vehicle?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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No, but I know where she is. The minute that I get the legal grounds to go get them, I will.

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Originally Posted by typicalman
No, but I know where she is. The minute that I get the legal grounds to go get them, I will.
Good for you.

I'm sure you're already doing this but I need to ask. Are you documenting everything?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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She has filed a restraining order in the local where she has run to in another state. Should I be worried about that?

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Yes and no....

how did you learn this?

Were you served?


Her taking the computer and financial records isn't really an concrete indication of much premeditation. Anyone that's gone through a divorce would have been able to tell her to grab the records and take your computer (which they can run diagnostics upon and maybe pull everything you've been supposedly doing...if you looked at one or more porn sites...she'll claim you were a porn addict....even if she's the one that went to those websites to implicate you). A fully premeditated plan would have had her right there beating herself up and calling the cops on you as a wife beater, getting a local restraining order and full custody followed closely by a petition for modification of residency.

You can maybe go there and respond to a local restraining order hearing but your attorney might tell you it doesn't matter UNLESS you are also beign restrained from your children.

Again, have you been served? How do you know this?



FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered

"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
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I was served from a phone call. The computers were family computers the she used and had access to so any website visited could have been from her. I can tell from the trail left behind that she had been planning this.

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Yes, it included the children

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