Hello, I am new here and have found  myself  in an OC situation.  My then BF of seven years, but now H  got  another  pregnant  three months  after we conceived  our last daughter. Out daughter  was born  this past September , OC was born December. I know  that a child  is innocent and that  at the time  of conception of this  OC  we were not married  but we were living  together  and raising  a family. I love  him very  much and decided  to stay so  that we could  work on our relationship. Prior to marriage  I was open  and honest  and told him how  very  hurt  I was abt  OC/OW. I also  made him  aware  that I could  not support  him in co parenting.  I felt we just  needed time to work on  us and asked that he not push OC on me. I have  decided  that if he wants  to participate  in OC life that is his decision,  but I cannot. H stated  that he wants to focus  on us as well and that in the future  if we decide  that we want OC to be apart of our family, we will  decide  together. I  know  ppl may think  I am just  awful,  maybe  even foolish  to marry this man , but I am just concerned  and focused  on raising  our kids.  I don't  believe  in divorce  nor do I  want  one, but OW and H's high  school  friend/x friend have  been  difficult  and judgemental  even  trying  to push OC on me  lately.  I know  she is hurt  but  I can't  help  the way I feel. Any advice?

You and your husband are RIGHT to keep the OW and the OC out of your lives. She is a threat to your marriage and the OC will only remind you of the worst thing that ever happened to you. It won't help the OC in any way to have your husband hanging around because it will be harder for the OW to find a husband to help father him.

So tell your "friends" to buzz off. Its real easy for them to be judgmental when its not their ox getting gored, isn't it? They won't be harmed by such a decision, you WILL, so just ignore them!

Melodylane.....thanks
Prior to this situation I said plenty of things about how I would handle such an unfortunate thing.....walk away. I stayed and now I just want to navigate this successfully with my H. He spoke with her at court and now all hell has broken lose. He wasn't supposed to be in contact with her at all prior to this court date but according to her he doesn't even want to be married and is continuing to make me look foolish. I don't understand how this became an issue of our marriage vs.her concern for OC. She said she didn't want to come between our marriage and cause problems but she is. Her mouthpiece sent my H a long message abt how horrible he is and how his son (OC) is the most important factor. I can't live like this.

The one and only reason that OWs fight to keep the married man in contact with OC is to try and break up his marriage.

She wants your husband. She knows how weak he is for her and she is determined to wear down his defences until he caves in and leaves you for her. This is her strategy, and she has no shame about it.

You need to insist that your H observes NC with her and the child, and if he won't, you need to walk away.

You also need to go NC with this'friend'.

Can you change your numbers etc so that they can no longer harass you? It is imperative to do this with the OW.

Dr H tells married men to stay out of the lives of their OC until they are adults because of the high chances they will end up cheating on their wives and turning the child's life upside down. Affairs are highly addictive so it WILL restart. Your children are the priory. (Besides he will have little time for any child with two women).

He says the best chance is for the child is for the OW to find a proper husband and she has little chance of that with a married lover hanging around. It is a constant reminder to all that she is no good.

What is the legal situation? Is he able to leave the mother and child to their own devices?

If you are close to this OW and her high school clique, I would consider moving.

We have  gone  no contact but once  we sent  the notice  to  OW  the "friend" contacted me. The "friend " is in a similar  OC situation. Our  numbers  have been  changed and we also relocated  about  2 1/2 hours  away......not far enough. H had DNA testing  done for confirmation  and is paying  CS, as he should.  The crazy  thing  is the "friend" didn't  even  know  the OW until  abt five months  ago, but was a friend  of my H  for years and both  of our  classmate. She had the nerve  to say OW was depressed  and that God does not  like OC being  abandoned. All children  should  be treated  equally  and OC should  come first  along  with our  children. H and I marriage  should  not come first,  H needs to bond with  OC. How would  that work, we have an infant  he needs to bond  with also. I was thinking  after  some  time passed  and our marriage  was solid  and the pain  wasn't so fresh  OC would  not be as difficult of a situation.  I was wrong  to think  that, as things  have gotten  pretty  ugly.

What are this friend's professional qualifications?

What makes her think she has the right to tell you how to live your lives and protect your marriage and children? More to the point, why did you listen to this tirade?

I think you can see where contact with OC will get you; to somewhere ugly, as you say.

Tell your friend to go to hell. It is great to have stupid advice when she does not have to suffer the consequences. YOU and your children do. I would unfriend her.

Sounds like a not-friend.

It was sent in the  form of a text so I actually  didn't  hear the "friend ", and no she isn't  a friend. I  just really  want encouragement  regarding  this all.....so many  factors  to consider. I know  in my heart  at the end of the day my intentions  are not to hurt anyone,  but I  must  really  look  out for kids and my own interest.

You are exactly right, nique. Your kids have to come first. If your husband stayed in contact with the OC, it would greatly threaten your marriage, which is your children's only security. That would be a needless and foolish risk. Dr. Bill Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders fully agrees with your position.

He discusses it in these radio clips:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=3684
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=3685
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=3686

This is not a woman who should be friends with you, much less your husband.

She's dealt a death blow to somebody's marriage and is now on a mission to keep married men in contact with their mistresses and mistresses' children? If she felt so strongly about children's fathers she should have got one for her own.

A man can't father two families - it's physically impossible. She's raging at the wind for being blowy. Nobody made her get herself into that situation.


Why would you move away from this crank and not change your contact details?

Please tell me OW can't contact you too?

You know, there was an OC on here a while back (she became a BW) who described her father's visits as dirty secrets. She was not supposed to ask about why he didn't stick around for long.

They would have to have pretended it was OK for a married man to go on seeing his mistress - or stopped. He barely paid attention to her anyway.

Her mother also never became remorseful or repentant, never remarried, never prepared for her old age and told her daughter she expected HER to care for her in spite of the fact this would put great strain on her daughter's marriage.

It's quite disgusting that on top of not securing a real husband and father for their child, they refuse to take sole responsibility for raising their own child (as so many BWs have to).

If a BW can decide she is no longer allowing adultery near her children and choose to go it alone - why can't an OW?

You are doing the right thing. Don't let a fool make you doubt what is right.

*like*

Morning, when is it appropriate to inform children of OC, and why do I experience guilt from the NC agreement? We both still agree with NC, but why is it that I feel this way?

How old is your child?

My sister, while not an OC, has a different biological father. Her bio father was not reliable. My parents courted and married while my mother was pregnant (all known to my father). Dad's name is the one on my sister's birth certificate. He raised her from birth til he gave her away at her wedding.

Her biological father had 4 children by 3 different women. My sister is far more stable than her other half siblings who mothers maintained contact. My sister now has some contact as an adult that is friendly and light, more like he is a good friend's father.

My nephews are in a similar situation. My SIL's first husband signed over custody and her second husband adopted them when they were 1 and 2 years old. They are in high school now. THey never had to deal with shared visitation, different house rules, etc. They are doing very well.

So YES, NC is the right choice.

It is the right choice for the OC because it gives the OC the best chance of having a full time father with a nuclear family.

I suspect my parents first told us about my sister's biological father when we were 3 or 4 years old because I cannot recall ever NOT knowing. I'm guessing when they were teaching us about purity and that no one but a spouse has the right to touch one's body. They weren't afraid to use them selves as object lessons; it probably came up as one of the consequences of sin. And also how God can work out bad situations for the good.