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My H has listened and Dr. Harley did recommend that we tell our kids. I am not looking forward to that but my H would like to talk with Dr . Harley about talking to our kids. We didn't discuss my H and I not living together at the moment. Dr. Harley and I talked for a bit prior to being on air and he made some awesome recommendations. I will ask my H if he willing to post, as I think he could benefit from the forum.

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Originally Posted By: nique84
My H has listened and Dr. Harley did recommend that we tell our kids. I am not looking forward to that but my H would like to talk with Dr . Harley about talking to our kids.


I would clarify what he wants you to tell the kids. Does he want you to tell him about the OC?

Quote:
We didn't discuss my H and I not living together at the moment.


Did you tell Dr Harley that you are living apart? WHY are you living apart since it is so bad for your marriage?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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nique84 Offline OP
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Okay, we will ask for clarification. Us living apart is coming to an end, it was just temporary but the only option without being homeless and unemployed.

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Your husband could also write Dr. Harley about talking to the kids.

How did your H respond to Dr. Harley's recommendation that your eliminate contact
with your FIL?

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nique84 Offline OP
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My H said that he would speak with his father regarding what we are doing and that he does not approve of contact. Once my H speaks with him we will see what my in-laws decide and go from there. I will have my H write Dr. Harley regarding our girls.

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That's encouraging.

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Originally Posted By: nique84
My H said that he would speak with his father regarding what we are doing and that he does not approve of contact. Once my H speaks with him we will see what my in-laws decide and go from there. I will have my H write Dr. Harley regarding our girls.

Let us know what when you hear back.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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nique84 Offline OP
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We finally got our question answered about how we should approach telling our girls. You all this makes me so sad. I just don't know how I got here. I want to make sure I educate my girls and prayfully they avoid my mistakes. Sometimes this feels like this can't be my life. Sometimes I think if my husband wanted to be in his sons life that would be great.....I could leave him and cut this pain out of my life (just thinking out loud). Thank you all for your tremendous support, you are the only ones in my corner. *I am trying unsuccessfully to cast my burdens on the Lord and focus on the good.

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Originally Posted By: nique84
We finally got our question answered about how we should approach telling our girls. You all this makes me so sad. I just don't know how I got here. I want to make sure I educate my girls and prayfully they avoid my mistakes. Sometimes this feels like this can't be my life. Sometimes I think if my husband wanted to be in his sons life that would be great.....I could leave him and cut this pain out of my life (just thinking out loud). Thank you all for your tremendous support, you are the only ones in my corner. *I am trying unsuccessfully to cast my burdens on the Lord and focus on the good.

You got it answered how?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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nique84 Offline OP
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Dr. Harley discussed the question my H submitted on yesterday's show.

Guess I should have indicated what his suggestion was....
Dr. Harley does not recommend that we inform the kids at this point, as they will want to be in contact with their brother. At some point when they are older we must tell them. I am certain someone will tell them before we do. My daughter is always asking for a brother. Having my kid ask me for something she already has that must be kept secret is driving me crazy. Talk about a trigger

Last edited by nique84; 09/02/15 10:14 AM.
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Originally Posted By: MelodyLane
She needs to contact Dr Harley and inquire about when to tell her own children.

***EDIT***

Originally Posted By: 4eva
...when they get older.


Originally Posted By: 4eva

And I also agree, email the Harley's. Your direction will be so much clearer.



Originally Posted By: MelodyLane
I think he has told another woman on the radio to not tell them until they are grown.


Dr. Harley told us to tell our children (probably because they were old enough, at that time, to understand better than younger children; they were 14 & 18 at the time & we were NC). So I'm well aware that his advice will be different or unique to each situation. Exactly why I suggested Nique email the Harley's.

Originally Posted By: nique84
Dr. Harley does not recommend that we inform the kids at this point, as they will want to be in contact with their brother.


I didn't WANT to tell my son (or D) EVER, because I KNOW kids can romanticize about the "idea" of other kids, & don't understand about the consequences that come from contact. All they know is, ...'somebody to play with...', until they are exposed & the fall-out is in play. But I knew it was going to be something I HAD to tell him/them at SOME point in their lives, for their own good (OC or someone disclosing the info. to them instead of us) & the good of our relationships (risking the lack-of-trust factor). We told our son, when we did, because Dr. H agreed they should be told THEN, during exposure, rather than later.

I am not asking to create any contention. Just want to know what I'm missing.

Last edited by Toujours; 09/02/15 02:56 PM. Reason: TOS: personal attack; distracting

4eva

BW-47
WH-46
Married 21 yrs.
D-19
S-15
OC-14/born 9/99
NC
Dday #1 10/30/04
Dday #2 7/2/12 Skank ho #2 (40ish, childless, single & desperate; the world is becoming over-run with them...just like cheaters)
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Originally Posted By: nique84
Dr. Harley discussed the question my H submitted on yesterday's show.

Guess I should have indicated what his suggestion was....
Dr. Harley does not recommend that we inform the kids at this point, as they will want to be in contact with their brother. At some point when they are older we must tell them. I am certain someone will tell them before we do. My daughter is always asking for a brother. Having my kid ask me for something she already has that must be kept secret is driving me crazy. Talk about a trigger


Thanks nique, I figured that is what he would say since he has told others this.

How is it going? Did your husband move home? How are you feeling?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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nique84 Offline OP
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We are making progress and we have all been in the same house since the beginning of August. I know that I can be a little impatient, so I'm working on that. At times I get overwhelmed, but I will continue to pray and focus on the present. I hate feeling like the victim. I actually had to quit my new job earlier this year because I was such an emotional wreck. So I/we are working towards a better me/us.

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Originally Posted By: nique84
We are making progress and we have all been in the same house since the beginning of August. I know that I can be a little impatient, so I'm working on that. At times I get overwhelmed, but I will continue to pray and focus on the present. I hate feeling like the victim. I actually had to quit my new job earlier this year because I was such an emotional wreck. So I/we are working towards a better me/us.


nique, are you following the program in Surviving an Affair? Right now, it is critical that you get on board with the program. How about the extraordinary precautions checklist? Where you all stand on that?

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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nique84 Offline OP
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4eva....yes my girls love the idea of a brother not understanding how chaotic it would make our lives. I had someone tell me a blended family can be a blessing....I'm personally not interested.

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Originally Posted By: nique84
I had someone tell me a blended family can be a blessing....I'm personally not interested.


faint


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Everything on the checklist has been addressed; we are working on meeting one another's emotional needs and making/avoiding love deposits /love busters. What has been most difficult is the 15 hours of UA, as we have three children under the age of ten. Slow but steady progress. Thanks again:)

Last edited by nique84; 09/02/15 07:34 PM.
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Lol, I apologize I miss quoted her "rewarding " is what she said along with "crazy difficult ". Obviously she is irrelevant and super duper stupid

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Originally Posted By: nique84
Everything on the checklist has been addressed; we are working on meeting one another's emotional needs and making/avoiding love deposits /love busters. What has been most difficult is the 15 hours of UA, as we have three children under the age of ten. Slow but steady progress. Thanks again:)


Good job!! Suggestion: go post your difficulties about getting UA time in the MB101 forum and see if you can get some suggestions. We have members who have many more kids at home. They can give you some help!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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