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Hello, I am new here and have found myself in an OC situation. My then BF of seven years, but now H got another pregnant three months after we conceived our last daughter. Out daughter was born this past September , OC was born December. I know that a child is innocent and that at the time of conception of this OC we were not married but we were living together and raising a family. I love him very much and decided to stay so that we could work on our relationship. Prior to marriage I was open and honest and told him how very hurt I was abt OC/OW. I also made him aware that I could not support him in co parenting. I felt we just needed time to work on us and asked that he not push OC on me. I have decided that if he wants to participate in OC life that is his decision, but I cannot. H stated that he wants to focus on us as well and that in the future if we decide that we want OC to be apart of our family, we will decide together. I know ppl may think I am just awful, maybe even foolish to marry this man , but I am just concerned and focused on raising our kids. I don't believe in divorce nor do I want one, but OW and H's high school friend/x friend have been difficult and judgemental even trying to push OC on me lately. I know she is hurt but I can't help the way I feel. Any advice?

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Originally Posted By: nique84
I know ppl may think I am just awful, maybe even foolish to marry this man , but I am just concerned and focused on raising our kids. I don't believe in divorce nor do I want one, but OW and H's high school friend/x friend have been difficult and judgemental even trying to push OC on me lately. I know she is hurt but I can't help the way I feel. Any advice?


You and your husband are RIGHT to keep the OW and the OC out of your lives. She is a threat to your marriage and the OC will only remind you of the worst thing that ever happened to you. It won't help the OC in any way to have your husband hanging around because it will be harder for the OW to find a husband to help father him.

So tell your "friends" to buzz off. Its real easy for them to be judgmental when its not their ox getting gored, isn't it? They won't be harmed by such a decision, you WILL, so just ignore them!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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nique84 Offline OP
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Melodylane.....thanks
Prior to this situation I said plenty of things about how I would handle such an unfortunate thing.....walk away. I stayed and now I just want to navigate this successfully with my H. He spoke with her at court and now all hell has broken lose. He wasn't supposed to be in contact with her at all prior to this court date but according to her he doesn't even want to be married and is continuing to make me look foolish. I don't understand how this became an issue of our marriage vs.her concern for OC. She said she didn't want to come between our marriage and cause problems but she is. Her mouthpiece sent my H a long message abt how horrible he is and how his son (OC) is the most important factor. I can't live like this.

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Originally Posted By: nique84
Melodylane.....thanks
Prior to this situation I said plenty of things about how I would handle such an unfortunate thing.....walk away. I stayed and now I just want to navigate this successfully with my H. He spoke with her at court and now all hell has broken lose. He wasn't supposed to be in contact with her at all prior to this court date but according to her he doesn't even want to be married and is continuing to make me look foolish. I don't understand how this became an issue of our marriage vs.her concern for OC. She said she didn't want to come between our marriage and cause problems but she is. Her mouthpiece sent my H a long message abt how horrible he is and how his son (OC) is the most important factor. I can't live like this.

The one and only reason that OWs fight to keep the married man in contact with OC is to try and break up his marriage.

She wants your husband. She knows how weak he is for her and she is determined to wear down his defences until he caves in and leaves you for her. This is her strategy, and she has no shame about it.

You need to insist that your H observes NC with her and the child, and if he won't, you need to walk away.


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You also need to go NC with this'friend'.

Can you change your numbers etc so that they can no longer harass you? It is imperative to do this with the OW.

Dr H tells married men to stay out of the lives of their OC until they are adults because of the high chances they will end up cheating on their wives and turning the child's life upside down. Affairs are highly addictive so it WILL restart. Your children are the priory. (Besides he will have little time for any child with two women).

He says the best chance is for the child is for the OW to find a proper husband and she has little chance of that with a married lover hanging around. It is a constant reminder to all that she is no good.

What is the legal situation? Is he able to leave the mother and child to their own devices?

If you are close to this OW and her high school clique, I would consider moving.




Last edited by indiegirl; 06/06/15 02:41 PM.

What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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We have gone no contact but once we sent the notice to OW the "friend" contacted me. The "friend " is in a similar OC situation. Our numbers have been changed and we also relocated about 2 1/2 hours away......not far enough. H had DNA testing done for confirmation and is paying CS, as he should. The crazy thing is the "friend" didn't even know the OW until abt five months ago, but was a friend of my H for years and both of our classmate. She had the nerve to say OW was depressed and that God does not like OC being abandoned. All children should be treated equally and OC should come first along with our children. H and I marriage should not come first, H needs to bond with OC. How would that work, we have an infant he needs to bond with also. I was thinking after some time passed and our marriage was solid and the pain wasn't so fresh OC would not be as difficult of a situation. I was wrong to think that, as things have gotten pretty ugly.

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Originally Posted By: nique84

We have gone no contact but once we sent the notice to OW the "friend" contacted me. The "friend " is in a similar OC situation. Our numbers have been changed and we also relocated about 2 1/2 hours away......not far enough. H had DNA testing done for confirmation and is paying CS, as he should. The crazy thing is the "friend" didn't even know the OW until abt five months ago, but was a friend of my H for years and both of our classmate. She had the nerve to say OW was depressed and that God does not like OC being abandoned. All children should be treated equally and OC should come first along with our children. H and I marriage should not come first, H needs to bond with OC. How would that work, we have an infant he needs to bond with also. I was thinking after some time passed and our marriage was solid and the pain wasn't so fresh OC would not be as difficult of a situation. I was wrong to think that, as things have gotten pretty ugly.

What are this friend's professional qualifications?

What makes her think she has the right to tell you how to live your lives and protect your marriage and children? More to the point, why did you listen to this tirade?

I think you can see where contact with OC will get you; to somewhere ugly, as you say.


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Originally Posted By: nique84

We have gone no contact but once we sent the notice to OW the "friend" contacted me. The "friend " is in a similar OC situation. Our numbers have been changed and we also relocated about 2 1/2 hours away......not far enough. H had DNA testing done for confirmation and is paying CS, as he should. The crazy thing is the "friend" didn't even know the OW until abt five months ago, but was a friend of my H for years and both of our classmate. She had the nerve to say OW was depressed and that God does not like OC being abandoned. All children should be treated equally and OC should come first along with our children. H and I marriage should not come first, H needs to bond with OC. How would that work, we have an infant he needs to bond with also. I was thinking after some time passed and our marriage was solid and the pain wasn't so fresh OC would not be as difficult of a situation. I was wrong to think that, as things have gotten pretty ugly.


Tell your friend to go to hell. It is great to have stupid advice when she does not have to suffer the consequences. YOU and your children do. I would unfriend her.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Sounds like a not-friend.

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nique84 Offline OP
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It was sent in the form of a text so I actually didn't hear the "friend ", and no she isn't a friend. I just really want encouragement regarding this all.....so many factors to consider. I know in my heart at the end of the day my intentions are not to hurt anyone, but I must really look out for kids and my own interest.

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Originally Posted By: nique84
It was sent in the form of a text so I actually didn't hear the "friend ", and no she isn't a friend. I just really want encouragement regarding this all.....so many factors to consider. I know in my heart at the end of the day my intentions are not to hurt anyone, but I must really look out for kids and my own interest.


You are exactly right, nique. Your kids have to come first. If your husband stayed in contact with the OC, it would greatly threaten your marriage, which is your children's only security. That would be a needless and foolish risk. Dr. Bill Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders fully agrees with your position.

He discusses it in these radio clips:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=3684
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=3685
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=3686


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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This is not a woman who should be friends with you, much less your husband.

She's dealt a death blow to somebody's marriage and is now on a mission to keep married men in contact with their mistresses and mistresses' children? If she felt so strongly about children's fathers she should have got one for her own.

A man can't father two families - it's physically impossible. She's raging at the wind for being blowy. Nobody made her get herself into that situation.


Why would you move away from this crank and not change your contact details?

Please tell me OW can't contact you too?


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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You know, there was an OC on here a while back (she became a BW) who described her father's visits as dirty secrets. She was not supposed to ask about why he didn't stick around for long.

They would have to have pretended it was OK for a married man to go on seeing his mistress - or stopped. He barely paid attention to her anyway.

Her mother also never became remorseful or repentant, never remarried, never prepared for her old age and told her daughter she expected HER to care for her in spite of the fact this would put great strain on her daughter's marriage.

It's quite disgusting that on top of not securing a real husband and father for their child, they refuse to take sole responsibility for raising their own child (as so many BWs have to).

If a BW can decide she is no longer allowing adultery near her children and choose to go it alone - why can't an OW?


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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You are doing the right thing. Don't let a fool make you doubt what is right.

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Originally Posted By: apples123
You are doing the right thing. Don't let a fool make you doubt what is right.


*like*


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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nique84 Offline OP
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Morning, when is it appropriate to inform children of OC, and why do I experience guilt from the NC agreement? We both still agree with NC, but why is it that I feel this way?

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How old is your child?

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My sister, while not an OC, has a different biological father. Her bio father was not reliable. My parents courted and married while my mother was pregnant (all known to my father). Dad's name is the one on my sister's birth certificate. He raised her from birth til he gave her away at her wedding.

Her biological father had 4 children by 3 different women. My sister is far more stable than her other half siblings who mothers maintained contact. My sister now has some contact as an adult that is friendly and light, more like he is a good friend's father.

My nephews are in a similar situation. My SIL's first husband signed over custody and her second husband adopted them when they were 1 and 2 years old. They are in high school now. THey never had to deal with shared visitation, different house rules, etc. They are doing very well.

So YES, NC is the right choice.

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It is the right choice for the OC because it gives the OC the best chance of having a full time father with a nuclear family.

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Originally Posted By: nique84
Morning, when is it appropriate to inform children of OC, and why do I experience guilt from the NC agreement? We both still agree with NC, but why is it that I feel this way?


I suspect my parents first told us about my sister's biological father when we were 3 or 4 years old because I cannot recall ever NOT knowing. I'm guessing when they were teaching us about purity and that no one but a spouse has the right to touch one's body. They weren't afraid to use them selves as object lessons; it probably came up as one of the consequences of sin. And also how God can work out bad situations for the good.

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