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#2858603 06/24/15 07:56 PM
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My husband and I have been married for almost 9 years. We have a six year old son. I was my husband's first serious relationship so he was a little difficult specially in the beginning, he was controlling, critical etc. After a few years, maybe 3 or 4 he had improved a lot, he wasn't as critical and judgemental. But still hard to talk to. A few times he made scenes in front of other people including his friends which made him look like a total [censored]. I wrongfully took this opportunity to express to others how he treated me at home. Several years ago one of his closest friends witnessed a situation and talked to me about it saying he didn't respect him for the way he treated me. That turned into texting and sending private fb messages. Always talking about my husband and how unhappy I was and it turned into a close friendship with someone i felt I could talk too. I didn't know it at the time but I was having an EMOTIONAL AFFAIR. I didn't realize until later how wrong that was. Eventually my husband, tired of feeling like something was going on, decided to go through my Facebook and phone text records and confronted me with the affair. At first I denied it because I didn't consider it an affair but eventually I realized what I had done and how much I had hurt me because I was hanging on to old resentment. The truth is he has never done anything like that to me. He told me about this website and that he decided to forgive and rebuild our marriage. Although the ER was long over by then to him it was new and he was still very hurt, IS still very hurt.
We read the website, we followed the steps. There was exposure, a polygraph which I passed, I tell him every move I make throughout the day and we've tried to spend as much time together as we can.
The issue is that I can feel the hatred and resentment, I can see that he wants to move on and start over but he cannot. Every conversation we have ends up being about the affair, how selfish I was, how I stepped all over him etc. He goes from sad and hurt to angry. He calls me a b***h and a piece of sh** he accuses me of trying to manipulate him if I disagree with something. If I am having a bad day or stressful day he assumes I must be cheating on him. I feel like for every step forward we take two backwards.
I am not perfect, I screwed up. I'm facing parts of me I've always denied. I wish I could go back in time and do things differently but I can't. I don't know what to do anymore. I've tried everything. If I tell him the truth when he asks how I feel about something he gets angry and tells me I'm trying to manipulate me. If I say nothing is wrong he tells me I'm lying and I haven't changed. He says he wants to start from scratch, no preconceptions, new life and on the other hand he tells me I will do what he tells me to do and he will do what he wants to do because I carry no weight in this marriage any more. What else can I do? Please help.

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I know this is probably the spot for the victims of the affair to seek advice and not the guilty party and some of you are probably booing me. I apologize but I thought maybe I could get some insight on what my husband is going through and how to get to him.

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Hi allgood, welcome to Marriage Builders. A few questions:

1. when did your husband find out? When did the affair end?

2. have you ended all contract with the OM? Is he anywhere CLOSE to you all?

3. is the OM married and if so, does his wife know?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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When was your LAST contact with the OM?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


MelodyLane #2858607 06/24/15 08:22 PM
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The EA happened back in 2007 to 2009. I stopped talking to him at that time. He works and was already working out of state at this point. After two years of not talking to him he sent me a message in 2011 saying he missed us being friends and talking. I told him he was my husband's friend and not mine and we should keep it that way but somehow he found his way back in just by always asking how I was doing. I work where he banks so ocationally I would get a text requesting help with something. He is married and I have no idea if his wife knows but my husband told me they've both strayed. The last time I spoke to him was last December when he sent me a message after visiting my husband telling me he wished he could have seen me too. I told my husband about this message when the affair was out and I to!d him I thought it was wrong of him to do that. My husband found out about four months ago

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I have stopped talking to him,his whole family and every person I met through them

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Thanks, all good. Will your husband come here? One of the biggest problems I see is that the OM's wife doesn't know what has happened. Additionally, the OM can still contact you at will so your H is not safe. The door is wide open for a resumption.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by allgoodthings2
We read the website, we followed the steps. There was exposure, a polygraph which I passed, I tell him every move I make throughout the day and we've tried to spend as much time together as we can.

When you say there was exposure, what does that mean exactly? Who was told? If the man's wife was not told, that was not really exposure.

And what questions were on your polygraph?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


MelodyLane #2858611 06/24/15 08:30 PM
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I have gotten transferred to a different department so I don't help the public anymore with their accounts. He hasn't tried to contact me since he needed help with a loan and after letting my husband and everyone at work know, I said someone would call him. I think he realized I wasn't going to talk to him.
I offered my husband to send a letter to his wife but he told me it wasn't necessary because she would not care anyway. Should I still do that?


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We told our families, our friends and coworkers. Some of the questions were if I had had physical contact with anyone during our marriage, if I ever seriously considered cheating on him, if I had had physical contact with the om and if I had had attraction to the OM

I even posted it on fb for everyone to see because my husband thought I still wasn't admitting it internally.

Last edited by allgoodthings2; 06/24/15 08:47 PM.
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Originally Posted by allgoodthings2
I have gotten transferred to a different department so I don't help the public anymore with their accounts. He hasn't tried to contact me since he needed help with a loan and after letting my husband and everyone at work know, I said someone would call him. I think he realized I wasn't going to talk to him.
I offered my husband to send a letter to his wife but he told me it wasn't necessary because she would not care anyway. Should I still do that?

I would ask your husband to contact her and give her the evidence of the affair. That will help ensure that he doesn't contact you again with 2 people watching on both ends.

I would get the book Surviving an Affair and follow the program outlined there. Here is the checklist. Can you look this over and tell us which ones you have done?

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.



"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


MelodyLane #2858614 06/24/15 08:38 PM
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p.s. it really is important to just delete face book. An blocked person can be unblocked in 2 seconds. It also leaves you free to look at the OM's page, a trigger.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


MelodyLane #2858616 06/24/15 08:46 PM
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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
p.s. it really is important to just delete face book. An blocked person can be unblocked in 2 seconds. It also leaves you free to look at the OM's page, a trigger.

And all other social media as well, such as Instagram. I would also ask your husband to put controls on your computer to block access to facebook and instagram (as well as instagram viewers). You can also have him block the OM's name as a search term. This sounds extreme, but it is easy to get a facebook dummy account (even if you would NEVER do this) and instagram can be viewed from anywhere. Even if you would never look again, or would never contact again. These measures would make your husband feel safer and would cost you nothing if you are serious and willing to do them.



Me: 38, have been divorced for 4 years
PigletWiglet #2858617 06/24/15 08:55 PM
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Itext him every day when I'm leaving work and we go everywhere else together. I feel like his resentment keeps getting in the way. Like he wants to fix things but he is too hurt. It feels like he's looking for revenge somehow. And I understand it but wen keep having these ups and downs. We are both emotionally drained. There is nothing more important to me than my family and I can't seem to find a way to show him. I've asked him to put a GPS in my car and to call me at work every day. I don't talk to any of his friends and I only spend time with his sister on the weekends.

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I, too, think your husband needs to post here and get help for his resentment.

ETA: He should start his own thread.

Last edited by nmwb77; 06/24/15 09:33 PM.

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Originally Posted by allgoodthings2
Itext him every day when I'm leaving work and we go everywhere else together. I feel like his resentment keeps getting in the way. Like he wants to fix things but he is too hurt. It feels like he's looking for revenge somehow. And I understand it but wen keep having these ups and downs. We are both emotionally drained. There is nothing more important to me than my family and I can't seem to find a way to show him. I've asked him to put a GPS in my car and to call me at work every day. I don't talk to any of his friends and I only spend time with his sister on the weekends.

Do you understand that your husband has received a huge traumatic shock? He has been betrayed in the worst possible way. And to add insult to injury this deceit went on for years. I would try and be a little more compassionate. We can help him manage his emotions, but you need to cool it.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by allgoodthings2
I am not perfect, I screwed up. I'm facing parts of me I've always denied. I wish I could go back in time and do things differently but I can't. I don't know what to do anymore.

One thing I would suggest is to stop making defensive, immature statements like the above. "I am not perfect" makes it sound like you don't take accountability. No one is perfect, but not everyone betrays their spouse. When you say you "are not perfect" it sounds like you are making excuses.

So I would eliminate defensive language that gives the impression that you are not accountable. It will make him nervous and fuel his anger and resentment.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


nmwb77 #2858621 06/24/15 09:43 PM
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How many years did you actively lie to him about this affair? How long was he asking about it and you denied it?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


MelodyLane #2858625 06/24/15 10:48 PM
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Can you answer this?

Quote
I would get the book Surviving an Affair and follow the program outlined there. Here is the checklist. Can you look this over and tell us which ones you have done?

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.


Markos' Wife
FWW - EA
8 kids ...
What to do with an Angry Husband

Prisca #2858626 06/24/15 10:51 PM
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Quote
The last time I spoke to him was last December when he sent me a message after visiting my husband telling me he wished he could have seen me too. I told my husband about this message when the affair was out and I to!d him I thought it was wrong of him to do that. My husband found out about four months ago
Any contact like this is going to keep your husband triggered.

Does the OM visit your husband often?

Okay, I see now that the visit was before your husband knew about the affair. Was he a friend of your husband's?

So, has there been any contact since your husband found out about the affair? Did you send the No Contact letter?

Last edited by Prisca; 06/24/15 10:56 PM.

Markos' Wife
FWW - EA
8 kids ...
What to do with an Angry Husband

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