OM said he was not ashamed about the A but yet ,they are hiding in the dark avoiding court.If they are trying to wear me out,they are doing a pretty job to be honest . I dont see an end to this and this is not a plan from MB. Sometimes I have no idea what/why I am doing.

I haven't read your whole thread xtremepain but have you been in/considered Plan B? Sounds like you are subjected to a lot of crap, for lack of a better word (that won't be edited). Plan B would protect you from that.

I was in plan B for just a short while.
Out of sight.Out of mind.I was at peace until I decided to file the lawsuit.I have to recall the details of the painful experiences over and over again with the lawyer.The lawsuit is like a dark cloud hovering over my head that wont go away.

Hey XP.

Are you struggling with the choice to keep the lawsuit? Is it too much pain?

Is the D complete?

xp, I feel for you, you sound like you are longing for the peace of a dark Plan B.

I am unsure where you are at... are you having direct contact with WW? When you say you are no longer in Plan B, why? I am unsure if this refers to the lawsuit causing cracks by discussing WW with your lawyer, or other sorts of contact

Please explain your sitch better... we may be able to offer advice.

Caracal,I dont have any direct contact with WW.I say I am not exactly in plan B becos I have to constantly deal with OM and WW through the lawyer.Plan B is also about protecting the betrayed spouse and for personal recovery which I dont think I have.
BH,yes,i am struggling with the choice to keep the lawsuit.Sometimes I just feel like giving up since I 'm unsure if I still want to R with WW .But I tell myself Ive gone so far to stop now.

I am sorry for your position. I am at a stand still, with the Hurricane in the Northeast it really slowed things up.
I would see what happens at the next court hearing and then revealuate. Aside from the lawsuit where are you in the divorce process?
I am still grieving, but I still have more better days than sad days. I think the holidays are a trigger.

xp, I am not filing a lawsuit, but only because my country does not allow it! I would LOVE to have been able to hit POSOW with some reality of her actions.

In saying that, I also know that each time I get a legal letter from WH regarding property settlement, it hurts. It IS a crack in Plan B. It allows WH an opportunity to spout his wayward ideals, and even through legal channels, he keeps blameshifting onto me. I have heard oh so many foggy reasons why we should not split assets (since he has them!!!) Including an "I told Caracal to split this when we were married!" (when we are not yet divorced, and apparently "telling" me when I had a mortal wound means he is no longer accountable). So although you have taken on more than I legally, know that if a BS is to stand up for their rights and what is morally right, there will be cracks. We can't escape it unless we become enablers and cave to the wayward demands.

It hurts less and less though. Maybe desensitised? I feel I am healing, and keeping myself busy helps so I don't dwell on the wayward. I also tried to keep legal stuff to a certain time each day. I would only spend 30 minutes on it, and then try to "file" it. I also found treating myself afterwards, a favourite coffee, bubblebath, anything to take my mind off the alien.

I really feel for you, fighting this legal and moral fight. I know I keep reminding myself that it will end...

What positive things / indulgences do you have in life? Even simple things... taking the dog for a walk, etc?

Hi Caracal,it does hurt less and less.I am desensitized to a point of being so numb that I have no idea why I am still pursuing the lawsuit.I no longer get emotional every time the lawyer calls or sends me an email .I have detached emotionally and the lawsuit now just feels like a project I need to complete.But I am not willing to spend another dime on it.OM and WW finally showed up in court.They remained silent during the whole process.They simply exercised their rights to keep their mouth shout.They are trying to drag this for as long as they can until I throw in the towel.
I just want to say Merry Xmas to all you out there.I feel for you and will continue to pray for you.I want to thank the ones who have helped ,supported and encouraged me since day 1.You know who you are.....I still remember the condition I was in when I found this site.Still get shivers just thinking about it.
I went caroling on Xmas eve and havent been this happy for a long time.God Bless you.

Yet they don't show up and when they do the refuse to speak.

You are giving them a dose of reality. Already the OM is letting down your WW from him willingly testifying to he refuses to say a word.

Even if you lose in court I bet the OM and WW will split up because of this within one year.

Hi everyone,it's been quite awhile since I left this forum.
WW and I have not been in contact since the day she left me.
Just a few days ago,she contacted me and apologised for what she had done to me.She s asking if we could discuss about filing a divorce.
During plan b ,I had a friend as a mediator.Am I still in plan b after 3 years?
Should I start talking to her again?

Is she still with OM?

I don't know if they are still together but they are still liking each other's Facebook.

Is it still painful to talk to her? If they're still interacting on FB it may be time to divorce and move on.

I have just skimmed this thread but I do have questions.

It sounds like you filed an Alienation of Affection lawsuit or something similar? What was the outcome of this?

I'm understanding from what you've said that your wife has gone totally dark on you in the last 3 years, no?

Do you still have feelings for her?

As another BH who's been through abandonment and divorce, my $.02 are this:

You've been alone for 3 years. You are legally married but not in a functional relationship with your wife, in my opinion. You were married much longer than I was, but you've also been on your own much longer than I was.

There are lots of good women out there who would be faithful and care for a man who followed MB and showed them extraordinary care. Your wife isn't one of them. 3 years no contact with someone you are legally married to is pretty much inexcusable in my book, even IF they behaved poorly or whatever. If she wanted so desperately to be away from you, she should have filed divorce, don't just leave it in limbo.

Others may advise you to try and win her back and anything is possible, but I am very doubtful. This is not a thoughtful person you are dealing with, at least not towards you. You could try to long-distance Plan A her until the cows come home but until she opens that door in her mind about a relationship with you, it will come to nothing.

Dr. Harley typically advises 6 months to 2 years of Plan A for men, and you're at 3. You could talk to her and get a feel for where she is, maybe this is an opportunity to begin to win her back. But I hesitate to even encourage you to further pursue someone with her track record here, especially since you guys do not have children together. There's simply better fish in the pond.

Yes she has totally gone dark on me in the last 3 years.I told her not to contact me when she left.
I don't have much feelings for her .At least I'm not emotionally attached anymore.
I have no plans to win her back.Im just a bit upset because I feel she may not be very insincere in her apology to me.She is only apologising because she is asking me for a favour to proceed with D.

You very likely will never get a sincere apology from her. Just divorce her an move on with your life.

This is why Dr. Harley avoids having contact with the person - Plan B. It is to protect you from being made to feel upset by things like this. Every bit of contact will be problematic for you.

Are you listening to the Marriage Builders Radio show, daily? There is a lot of great information there that can help you rebuild your life.

You should not know this, because you should be in a dark Plan B.

It's been three years of xtremepain. It's time to take the steps that will make you feel better.

Plan B = xtremehealing.

There is no need to discuss filing a divorce. If she wants one, she can get one easily, and should talk to a lawyer, not you. If you want one, you can get one easily, and you should talk to a lawyer, not her.


Yes, you should still be in Plan B. You can see what talking to her does - it makes you feel upset. It prolongs the pain.