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Did y'all watch Dr.Harley's video on infidelity?
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Anyway, both of us have looked into marriage builders, (I a little more in depth.) The husband is willing to try... But he expressed caution. He in scared things are going to be worse off... Its like he is paralyzed by fear a bit. Let us know if you decide you want help. If you are willing to use the program, we would be willing to help you.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Marriage counseling was mostly for mediation so we could learn to talk together about these issues without the blow ups, But that only makes sense if you want to keep the issues. Do you? Right now it's like you not only have a broken leg, but you're still on the floor with it twisted unnaturally, no pain killers, no chance of it healing well. When you feel in such constant insistent pain - of course it is all you want to talk about. Talk until someone comes up with an idea to heal it. But talking does not heal the leg - its better to go somewhere where people have an action plan. Once the leg is splintered and everything is on track to heal - it will quickly become the most boring subject in the world. It sounds almost impossible to you now, but with an affair proofed marriage and a focus on fun romantic dates - you simply will not want to pour yourself into conversation about the A. Unfortunately counsellors promote a lot of advice which avoids affair-proofing (changing numbers and no contact) and instead like to sit on the floor with you trying to talk the pain away (relying on trust).
Last edited by indiegirl; 07/20/15 08:37 AM.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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It's true that the better your memory, the more difficult it will be to overcome resentment. That's because resentment is tied to memories, and if you forget the painful event, the resentment is lost along with it. One of the reasons I'm not so keen on dredging up the past as a part of therapy is that it brings up memories that carry resentment along with them. If I'm not careful, a single counseling session can open up such a can of worms that the presenting problem gets lost in a flood of new and painful memories. If the goal of therapy is to "resolve" every past issue, that seems to me to be a good way to keep people coming for therapy for the rest of their lives. That's because it's an insurmountable goal. We simply cannot resolve everything that's ever bothered us.
Instead, I tend to focus my attention on the present and the future, because they are what we can all do something about. The past is over and done with. Why waste our effort on the past when the future is upon us. Granted, it's useful to learn lessons from the past, but if we dwell on the past, we take our eyes off the future which can lead to disaster.
I personally believe that therapy should focus most attention, not on the past, but on ways to make the future sensational. And when a spouse comes to me with unresolved feelings of resentment about something their spouse did in the past, I tend to put it on hold and focus on issues that prevent mistakes of the past from recurring. I ask them to trust my judgment, and see what happens to the resentment when the marriage has a chance to become fulfilling. In almost every case, resentment fades, as I predicted. While the painful memories are not entirely forgotten, the most recent marital experiences which are fulfilling and enjoyable, dominate a person's thinking, and resentment becomes weak and infrequent. I'm sure you have great memories with your husband. But the most recent memories are dominant. So the next memory you create is the one which will influence you. It makes sense to stop fights and affair-talk and get to the good stuff swiftly.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Hey guys. I am back. Its been a busy few days. I have gotten to read on things here and there. I have been mulling over my bottom lines. I want this marriage, but then i don't. My own fears keep preaching loud in my ear.... (He will leave me when the kids are grown.) OR (I am going to be old, and lonely when he does leave.) Coming right down to it, i don't believe he is here for me alone.... We have three boys under 6 years old. The baby just turned a year old. I feel he sees it as sacrificing less. He is sacrificing his youth for our kids, but when they fly the coup he will too....
I just can't shake that sick feeling.
He has strong views on post nuptial agreements and he is very unwilling to do a postnup... He thinks love should be about love, and money about money. Besides he thinks if we divorce he will be at an unfair disadvantage... (But i see this as just compensation?) When i explain that he just shrugs and says its how he feels.
Even using marriage builders we are not in agreement.
Its weird for me. We used to agree on most everything, but since he cheated we can't ever see eye to eye anymore. We just can't seem to find the same page...
I think it might be a death knell.
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I think you will be able to tell real quick after starting the program how devoted he is to saving the marriage. Husbands who are in it just till the kids are grown do not do the work.
If you have any doubts, Dr. Harley is good at sniffing out fakes.
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Hey guys. I am back after taking a while to read and watch some things on Marriage builders. So far working towards healthier way of communication right now. My husband is actually wanting to talk about things regarding his affairs... Is this something i should stop? because its something i have been wanting him to do from the beginning and i wound up hurt and upset that he would "forget" or just clam up... But right now he is seeking me out and asking me why i think he did it... He has his ideas on what happened but he is honestly asking me questions about my feelings instead of me either wanting him to ask or not telling him because i think him knowing how i feel will hurt him. Now he is asking and i feel we have made progress without anger... I am hurt by his insights sometimes, others i feel enlightened...
I feel like two or three people inside of me all fighting for different reasons. One just wants to go back to the way things were. the other wants to make him pay, and the other sees how scared and confused my husband is and i want to tell him it will all be okay, but i can't even tell myself that right now.
Thank you for your help guys.
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3littlesisters, what can we help you with? Did you decide to do the program? If you want to recover your marriage, you will need to follow the steps in this program. That is the purpose of this forum.
Where are you in the program?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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we are in the program....But where we are Thats kinda hard to say for us. (We are kinda in two different places) I am dealing with the overcoming resentment part and trying not to (hate) him. Yes i actually do now have feelings of hate for this man that i once loved very much. My love bank is in the deficit. And the things he does to put more in the love bank is great, but then something happens to deplete it again. It seems all to easy to dump that love bank over... Where my husband is he is trying to restore trust in me... But its just gone. 6 months of knowing about all this and i feel as mistrusting of him as i do. We also argued about porn today. He said he did not think he could promise to never do it again. Pre affair, i NEVER had a problem with porn, but with the affair and that the woman was also a cam whore on her on the side, (I NOW HATE THE PORN AND SEX INDUSTRY!) With a passion i never had 7 months ago. I don't want porn in his life, I don't feel secure anymore. PERIOD, he says he won't lie to me and that he will probably do it again in the near future. I told him that if he feels that way then i should just file. Then he said he should have just lied to me and said he would never do porn. Though i appreciate his honesty, his honesty hurts and it makes me want to bow out. I feel i am settling for enough here. I have an unfaithful husband who cheated while i was pregnant.... I never wanted any of that. So now with this new trouble this morning i just feel so confused. How to restore love in the love bank when he keeps flipping the tables.  ??? Thank you.
Last edited by threelittlestars; 08/02/15 11:28 AM.
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we are in the program....But where we are Thats kinda hard to say for us. (We are kinda in two different places)
I am dealing with the overcoming resentment part and trying not to (hate) him. Yes i actually do now have feelings of hate for this man that i once loved very much. My love bank is in the deficit. And the things he does to put more in the love bank is great, but then something happens to deplete it again. It seems all to easy to dump that love bank over...
Where my husband is he is trying to restore trust in me... But its just gone. 6 months of knowing about all this and i feel as mistrusting of him as i do. But where are you in the Marriage Builders program? IT doesn't sound you have a plan at all and are just winging it. We also argued about porn today. He said he did not think he could promise to never do it again.
Pre affair, i NEVER had a problem with porn, but with the affair and that the woman was also a cam whore on her on the side, (I NOW HATE THE PORN AND SEX INDUSTRY!) With a passion i never had 7 months ago.
I don't want porn in his life, I don't feel secure anymore. PERIOD, he says he won't lie to me and that he will probably do it again in the near future. I told him that if he feels that way then i should just file. Then he said he should have just lied to me and said he would never do porn.
Though i appreciate his honesty, his honesty hurts and it makes me want to bow out. I feel i am settling for enough here. I have an unfaithful husband who cheated while i was pregnant.... I never wanted any of that. That should be a deal breaker. His honesty doesn't mitigate the damage from the porn. I would suggest putting porn blockers on any available computers and if he won't do that, then you should consider separating. You won't recover and you won't ever restore the love bank if you don't have a plan. And there is no plan here, 3littlestars. You and your husband are just winging it and that won't work.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I don't predict you are going to make it if you can't put aside your own ideas of marriage and follow a plan. Please accept and understand that you don't know how to save a marriage. I don't say that to be rude, but to emphasize that you are wasting a lot of valuable time doing your own thing.
You and your husband have messed this up so badly, that I would encourage you to sign up for the Marriage Builders program and get the professional guidance of a trained MB coach. My H and I went through the MB program in 2007 and it saved our marriage. I have serious doubts that you and your H can do this on your own.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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1. I am dealing with the overcoming resentment part and trying not to (hate) him.
2. My love bank is in the deficit.
3. And the things he does to put more in the love bank is great, but then something happens to deplete it again.
4. Where my husband is he is trying to restore trust in me... But its just gone.
5. We also argued about porn today. He said he did not think he could promise to never do it again. The program addresses and resolves all of these issues, but you have to WORK the program. Resolution does not happen on its own. Not having a plan is a plan to fail. And you are not in a position where you can afford to play around with your marriage. Your marriage is on life support right now and if you don't get serious ASAP, you will not have a marriage to save.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I did not realize you had to sign up. I have been reading, and watching listening to the radio program. I did not realize we had to work one on one...
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I did not realize you had to sign up. I have been reading, and watching listening to the radio program. I did not realize we had to work one on one... There are 3 ways to do the program: a) do it yourself using the books, forum and the free radio show, b) get phone counseling with Dr Harley's children, Dr Jennifer Chalmers [a psychologist like Dr Harley] or his son, Steve Harley, c) sign up for the online program and they will assign you a coach who takes you through the entire program over several weeks. This is supervised by Dr. Harley. Since do it yourself is very unlikely to work for you and your husband, I would strongly suggest signing up for the online program. It costs $945 and is worth every penny. Most of the successful recoveries on this forum have gone through it in the past 15 years. It really does work. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi9000_program3.html
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I did not realize you had to sign up. I have been reading, and watching listening to the radio program. I did not realize we had to work one on one... And to clarify, you DON'T have to work one on one. You can do this on your own if you can follow the steps. But you are not following the steps in any way. You are reading and listening, but you are not ACTING. It is a very specific, step by step program that has to be followed. There is no shame in recognizing that you can't do it on your own. Many people cannot. My H and I just did not get it on our own. Going through the program in 2007 made all the difference in the world, though. Do you have Surviving an Affair?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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A man who signs a post-nup is a man who is confident that divorce is not an option.
A man who won't sign one because he would be disadvantaged still views divorce as an option.
He is not 100% committed.
You really need to do the Marriage Builders program. You need coaching! It would be the best investment you ever made!
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