Both my husband and I are self employed, me as a realtor and him as an independent contractor in the Electrical Field. He has an offer to work full-time for one of the companies he has been doing contract work for, if he does this he will be working m-f and I will be working on sat,sun. We also have International students in our home and my son, daughter in law and grandson live with us. We have seen how us having time during the week at home alone has worked better for us, but we will not have that if he works full-time, but the consistent income will be good. We tried to think of a compromise with him not working on Wednesdays, but he says they will not let him do that, even though he has not explained the situation. He is very tired at night and likes his "free"time on the weekend to"relax" and do things on his to do list, which leaves no time for our relationship. Is there any ideas or suggestions someone might have for us. He needs to make the decision soon, he said that I told him it was his decision, but I think it should be our decision whether he takes the job or not. I want both of us to be happy with the decision........

What you are saying is that all of these things come BEFORE your marriage:

1. jobs
2. relaxing time
3. to-do list

That tells me that the real problem is how you prioritize. Can I ask how you and your husband find the time for less important things such as your jobs? Do you schedule for your jobs? How do you find the time?

What do you do during these dates? How long are the blocks of time? Is there anyone at home during these dates?

Have you seen this, especially the radio clips at the end of the thread.

Critical Importance of Undivided Attention

I realize that our marriage is priority and our time together and that my husband working full time for a company will compromise that time. When he works from home during the week, there is usually just one person at home and many times no one at home. I am having a hard time knowing how to honor my husband's wishes about working for this company and yet keeping our marriage priority. He really wants this job.

We really don't have a set 'date'. It is just us being able to eat lunch together and chat while we both work from home. We will read the Bible in the morning, go over our budget and calendar for the week. We may be able to do this once a week on the weekend, if he is not wanting to relax and not talk about tough issues. That is the biggest problem is when will we talk about issues that take time to work through and when will we have time to have fun together.

I have read about undivided attention and tried to find the videos that you referenced. Can you be more specific with how I can find the clips?

In order to be effective, undivided attention time needs to be spent in 2 to 4 hour blocks meeting the top 4 intimate emotional needs of affection, conversation, rec companionship and sexual fulfillment. It should be spent out on DATES having a great time when your energy is at its highest. I wouldn't spend that time talking about "tough issues," spend your dates having fun.

Not even Dr Harley and Joyce spend their UA time at home because it is the lousiest UA time. It doesn't work for most people because they are easily distracted by home duties, phone calls, family members, pets.

I see lots of time in your schedule for dates in the evenings. You are both free most evenings for dates. You could come home from work, freshen up, dress up and go out on fun dates. Here is the worksheet Dr Harley recommends using: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forms/FiveSteps_Time_for_Undivided_Attention_Worksheet.pdf

BUT, what do you want? Your time spent at home during the days is not effective in the least, so I wouldn't worry too much about losing that as long as he would agree to take you out on dates during the week. Will he agree to go out on 4 dates a week?

When you say you want to "honor his wishes" you do understand that he needs to honor yours too? Making sacrifices is terrible for marriages. Marriage Builders looks for win/win solutions versus win/lose.

D2H, you are not really doing UA time. You are just doing what you have always done and "counting" some times when you happen to be home alone. This is typically what happens when couples have grown apart. What you describe is not a date.

Just think of what you do on a DATE. When you went out on a date when you were single and dating, the man picked you up, looking his best and gave you all his attention for the evening. You had great conversation, affection, recreational companionship.

They are radio clips of Dr. Harley discussing UA and they are at the end of the thread.

Your husband's relaxing time needs to be with you. UA time should be fun, enjoyable, and relaxing for both of you. Everybody needs an escape in life, and married people need to escape together.

As for the job, I don't understand why a "fulltime" job would preclude UA time. A fulltime job is only 40 hours per week.

I wouldn't give any honor to choices that prevent the marriage from having what it needs to survive. That is not an honorable decision and it can't be honored.

Thank you for your thoughts! I can't think of any other questions/comments right now. We just need to make a plan for the UA time and stick to it whether he takes the position or not. We are not typically people who go by a detailed hour by hour schedule, although we do calendar planning every week. I guess it is time to change that for the benefit of our marriage. The offer for the position is only opened until the 18th so we will make the decision by then.

Awesome! Usually the difference between those who do it and those who don't, is careful scheduling.

Thank you, I did end up finding them.

Thank you for your comments. The situation is extra hard for us because we have the international students at our home on the weekend and they need to go places and demand our attention. We thought of a plan though.....two-2 hour lunches together a week and then 2-2 hour dates out at night from 6-8 or 7-9 a week. 7 hours time together on the weekend. My husband needs lots of time by himself.......I hope this can work. Does going to church together count as time together?

Why does your H need a lot of time by himself?

Devoted-

The criteria to use is, does it allow the 4 intimate emotional needs to be met?

What do you think? Does attending church provide the environment for the following?

Affection
Recreational Companionship
Intimate Conversation
Sexual Fulfillment

2-hour dates barely allow you to get relax before going home. Try for at least 3 hours at a time.

Going to church would count if you can meet the top 4 intimate emotional needs there. And I think you would agree you can't. Your dates should really be longer in order to be effective.

Does your husband enjoy being alone more than he enjoys being with you? My h and I do enjoy our alone time, but not more than being with each other. If there is something you enjoy more than being with your spouse, then Dr Harley recommends eliminating it until you have fallen in love again because of the contrast effect. What does he do when he is alone and how many hours per week?