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#2867564 10/11/15 09:34 AM
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Hello everyone,

I've stumbled in here like most do i guess - when the crisis with the significant other has reached melting point.

I dont want to pour out my heart here - who wants to read yet another bad relationship story!

But i would like some perspective from those who listen to and deal with this stuff all day long.

I've done a fair bit of reading on this site to get a feel for it. It seems mostly that, on this site at least, that its more about a cheating spouse and how to deal with that and then save the marriage.

My case is far far more complicated. As far as i know there is no cheating going on (hahaha...famous last words ..right?). I dont suspect her of cheating. But there is huge deceit, betrayal, lying (oh boy the lying that goes on and on and never stops) and draining of the bank account - again and again.

So do you deal with these sorts of issues here?

Tell me one thing (and i do "get this" but want to hear it from someone else)......

.... what is she saying by moving into another room to sleep ? She claims its because its hot in our shared room on her side of the bed and that she likes to read late at night and she doesnt want to keep me awake - in her own room she can do what she likes without regard to me ......

Should i believe that ?

To me it is a very very powerful message - she has distanced herself from me and no longer wants intimacy and basically its over. Have i read too much into this? or have i got it right?

From the women here.... thoughts please.

Regards

SK

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Hello Superken, welcome to Marriage Builders. Are you married?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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We are not married - having been living together for 10 years this year. We are both divorced - so 2nd relationship for us both.

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Why haven't you married after 10 years?

Any children from either of your former relationships?

Any children between the 2 of you?

Why did each of your first marriages end?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Wow, reading through the site i see how much damage "I" have done.

I have huge problems with Angry Outbursts. I need to get anger management under control. I see without that, there is nothing and all of this goes nowhere.

So i do get that AO's are unacceptable. I do. In a perfect world no matter what happened there would be no A O's ...however, its not a perfect world ......

So if its all boiled down to she wont make the effort or stop her behavior which leads me to a daily AO, then nothing is going to help - right?

We are caught in a complicated circle of events that cant seem to be stopped. Life is miserable for us both. I cant seem to get out of my state of mind - too much has happened. Maybe its time to just call it quits and move on? I find it so hard to let go.

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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Why haven't you married after 10 years?

Well technically she is not divorced - she had been separated for 3 years from her Husband when i met her. I did want to get married in the first 2 to 3 years (after she actually got the divorce done)of our relationship but thought better of it as i got to know her much better.

Any children from either of your former relationships?

She has 1 i have 4.

Any children between the 2 of you?

None.

Why did each of your first marriages end?

How do you jot that down without writing a mini novel ;-)

My 1st marriage ended because i was away from home too much for too long - she found someone else.

My current partner has never told me why she left her first husband.

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Some relevant background.

We live in a third world country. I wont say where, but its a BIG continent. I am expat in this country we live in - i came here 17 years ago from a western country. I guess it was a mid life crisis thing - i wanted a total change of life style. It was all my idea but i discussed it with my 1st wife and she was onboard with the "adventure". It just took too long to get it to all happen and become reality. I was coming over here where i am now, from my home country. I would spend 6 months here "Trying" to get everything ready for her and the kids (4) then go home for 3 months, then come back for another stint that was usually around 6 months then go back home for 3 months.....this went on for about 2 years. I could see this was not going to work out so i made a major push to get everything here in the country where i am now, done, so we could all come over as a family to live here. The "push" i made to get everything completed and ready for the family was 12 months - that is i was gone for 12 months this time around.

It was to be a 5 year plan then we would go back to our country. I just wanted to do something different in life. She was up for it until it got to almost ready - then she backed out - got cold feet and said she did not want to go over there after all. I was exasperated after all the time and effort i had put in but in the end i had to agree. So i tried to carry on doing 6 months on/3 months at home. I had put in a lot of money (it was a business i had started here in the country i am in now)but after a short time i got a phone call from her one morning telling me she had found someone else who wanted to stay with her, not be running off to the other side of the world all the time.

Yes i see my error now - its not lost upon me. Biggest single mistake i have ever made was coming to this dammed country i am in now. its not because i was selfish and wanted to do my own thing - i had taken all of our savings and put it into this plan i had - i had to get it back so i carried on coming over with the plan to sell it all off and then go back home to stay forever. So i did realize that i was doomed to failure the way things were. I could say that had she not backed out things might have worked but whats the point ? its all water under the bridge now. This was all back in 2000/2001.

So fast forward to 2005. This is when i met my current partner. She had been separated from her Husband for 3 years at this point. When i i first met her she told me she was divorced ...it was only after some months i found out she was still legally married but had been separated for 3 years. To this day i dont know exactly why she left him. I know he was an alcoholic and not very motivated to do much in life. There seems to be more but she wont say so i dont press her on it.

I have 4 kids (all grown up now) who live on the other side of the world, so they have never lived with us. She has 1 daughter from her first marriage. She is grown up now and lives away from our home but she was 15 when we first met and started living together.

There was lots of stress in the relationship caused by her daughter from day 1. This is still going on today.

So, in 2005 when i met her, i was in the early stages of a new business i was starting here. She was enthusiastic about it and wanted to do it with me. She had her own small business at the time (still does but her daughter runs it now - mostly).

Well long story short this new business really took off. I mean really really took off. Thats where all todays problems started from.


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So at this point i could go into all sorts of excuses about why i did the things i did, why i reacted to things the way i did etc.....but the blunt truth of it is i did the wrong things.

I have killed this relationship. I think it was those early days that did the damage and set the stage for what is going on now.

As i said, so complicated......

I knew then as i do now that i came into this current relationship emotionally unstable. She figured it out real quick too i think.

Why was i feeling such a mess and so overwhelmed by life..... ????

The below is some back ground of what i had been through leading up to the time i met my current partner. It helps you to understand some of why what happened , happened later on.

But you can safely omit all the below if you want to jump straight to the point in a few posts further on from this one.

I had lost my wife and 4 kids, i lost my house and wealth in the process (as one does in the western world if there are kids involved). I found myself cast off from my loved ones and on the other side of the world, alone and lonely. I tried to carry on the best i could but the business was not ready at that stage so i had to carry on building the place etc. Because the ex got everything i was left with little money. I tried to carry on anyway because what was the alternative? I could have gone back home to see my ex wife happliy married to a new guy with my 4 kids in a new house they bought from the proceeds of selling the family home i provided - while i would have struggled on a salary that would have had a large portion taken out of it to give to her for child support. I dont know how i would have paid rent on a small flat (apartment for those in the US), fed myself, got to and from work and clothed myself on what would have been left over for me after she got her money from my salary.

So i decided the best course of action was to stay on in this country where i am now. That was no easy decision. Where i was building this business was deep in the bush 1200 Klms away from the nearest city. There were on 7 expats in the area i was in and they were all very snooty and had their own little closed group that they did not allow outsiders into. No worries - i did not go out there to be in a social club anyway. So i carried on, on my own. It was hard. I was the only white man around, hardly anyone around me could talk English, i was living in a tent while i was finishing the building, i had no power, no running water. Being a man i had little to no cooking skills and no kitchen to cook in anyway. I got by on peanut butter sandwiches, tomato sandwiches and lots of fish that was caught locally. It was great for losing weight though!

So this went on until 2003. I had managed to get the business up and running and was exporting as per the plan. I managed to get 180 boxes of produce out of the country and into to UK as per the plan i had worked out years ago. Things seemed to be looking up and light at the end of the tunnel. Then my UK buyer pulled out on me - they had decided to go in another business direction and no longer wanted what i produced. In 1998 when i first put all this together i visited buyers of the thing i was doing and reached agreement with this UK guy to take all my produce. Big mistake - i should have not done an exclusive deal with him for everything i produced. So by the end of 2003 i was flat broke. I mean really really broke. I flew out of this country with $80.00 USD in my pocket. I landed in London UK with 1 night of accommodation arranged then i was out on the street. That first day in UK i went looking for a job. I got one ! They wanted me to start next day - the job came with a company flat and company car !!! I told them i could start right away to which they agreed and i moved into the company flat that night. Pheww that was close!

So i was now working in UK. I had no work permit to work in UK but being from the country i was from that has sucha close relationship with UK it was very easy to work there without a permit. Still i had to be careful. Because i hd no bank account in the UK i asked my employer if they would hang onto most of my salary each month until i could get a bank account sorted out.

They agreed...... you can see where this is going....right?

I was paid 1000 pounds per month under the table. In 12 months i saved 11000 pounds. Anyone who was ever lived in London knows what a feat that was! I was very very focused on getting back to the country i am in now and have another go at getting my business back on its feet. So i saved every cent i could. I never went out, i never socialized, went drinking etc. I just did my work and stayed in my flat studying online for a new business idea i had and tat i wanted to start with the money i was earning in UK and was going to take back with me.

To give you some idea of what i went through.....I lived on mince and pasta for a year in order to save money! I used to go down to Tesco ( a supermarket chain in UK) at 10.45pm (they closed at 11.00pm every night) and buy the mince that was marked down to really silly small money as it had not been sold that day. It was cheaper for them to mark it down to silly money and let the low lifes of London come in and buy it up then to have to pay to have it taken away in waste bins by rubbish haulers - in effect i and the low lifes were the rubbish haulers! You dont realize what an undercurrent of low lifes there are in these big cities until you are forced to live on the low edges of society.

So anyway, this went on all year. After 12 months i decided i was heading back to the country i am in now to have another go at it. When i asked for my money - they told me they were going to keep it since i was illegal and i wouldn't risk doing anything since i would get arrested.

WRONG.

I filed a case against them.

Luckily i had got friendly with an old guy who used to come into the company i worked for who did IT work for them. When i filed the case against the company i worked for i had to leave the company flat. So the old guy who i had become friends with let me sleep on his lounge room floor for 3 months while the court case was going through.

I had some money on me. but it was a tough 3 months. The day of the court case.....well that was the lowest point of my life.....

I remember the day very well. It was Feb 1st. Feb in London is cold. It was snowing. Being from the tropical country i was from i had no cold clothes, only a jacket. I planned my money out very carefully during the 3 months i had to wait for the court case. By Feb 1st i had 4 UK pounds left. I paid 3 pounds for a train ticket to get to the place where the court house was. I got off the train at the station of this place and made my way out to the street. I had 1 pound left. The court case was the first one on the list for the day, so was at 9.00am. I was at the station at 8.00am. I thought i was going to be arrested and put in prison and then deported. I really believed that. So i thought i would treat myself to a Coke with my last pound as i wouldn't be getting one in prison that night where i was sure i was going to be. I had 5 pence left after buying a coke. Thats all i had in the world - what it had all come to - what i was reduced too.

I remember walking the mile or so from the station to the court house. It was snowing then the snow turned to sleet. By time i got the court house i was wet and cold. I was shivering. I had my back pack on with all my worldly goods on my back. I had 5 pence in my pocket. It was all i had in the world. I was at rock bottom. I was on the other side of the world, alone, cut off from my family - (my family - parents-brothers etc, back home had disowned me because of the break up of my family that they perceived had been caused by me) no money, cold and shivering and waiting to be arrested and thrown in prison.

Then 5 minutes before my case was to go in to the court room, a lawyer from the company that had ripped me off turned up and offered me a cheque for 8000 pounds in return for signing an agreement that i would not proceed with the case. I signed.

Talk about a roller coaster ride ! From having only 5 pence in my pocket and about to be locked up to having 8000 pounds in my pocket. My GOD - you just cant believe how this feels until you go through this.

So, i went into the court room to cancel the case. The magistrate would not allow the case to be cancelled. He heard the case then proceeded to dress me down - big time. Because i am from a country that is very very close to UK in terms of history and background and ties that are still maintained today (for example the Queen of England is the head of state of the country i am from)he let me off. I walked out of the court room a free man and with 8000 pounds in my pocket.

I stayed on in UK for another 5 months to finish the online study i had started. I was learning about some new (to me) technology that i was going to base a new business on back in the country i was heading back to (where i am now).

That brings us up to 2005.

I got going with my little business here in this country and it was doing OK. I was not making big money or anything but at least i had sold some units of the thing i was now doing and i had recurring monthly income.

This is when i met my current partner. She had heard about me and the thing i was selling. She also wanted one and called me up to talk about it. I went to visit her to tell her all about the item she wanted and that i was selling.

It all got started from there.

I was incredibly lonely. I had just come off the back of the worst 5 years of my life. I had been through a divorce and lost everything, i had been living a hard life in the bush trying to get my original business on its feet, which i did, then the UK buyer pulled out and my business collapsed, then i fled the country i am in now with only $80 and nowhere to go so headed for UK as it was not the country my hostile ex wife was in but was culturally almost the same as my home country. I then very luckily found a job since i was going to be a homeless person if i could not find a job, then i scrounged for 12 months to save money, then my employer ripped me off, then i went through a court case and WON ! and then i found myself back in the country i am in now. Then i got my little fledgling business off the ground and running and then i met her.

I never went looking for a relationship. It was not consciously on my mind to get into a relationship. As i said i was incredibly lonely - i had been struggling for years on my own.

She was warm and funny and kind and caring. She chased after me - not the other way round. Before i knew it we were seeing each other. A romance had started. I was living 50 kilometers away from where she lived. We spent a month or so hanging out. She then suggested i move in with her since she was renting a place that had plenty of room since it was just her and her daughter there. I had nothing better going on and to be honest, i was so hungry for the kindness and caring that someone was showing me for the first time in years. I fell for it. I moved in.

That is where the problems started.

I have given you this very long winded background so you understand how i arrived at this point. Not sure if it helps or not but it is very therapeutic for me to type it all out. I find if i type things out it helps me get it out of my system for a while. I hope the back ground helps you to better understand how i have fallen into the trap i am in now.

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So, the relationship got started. She joined me in my business which i made her half owner of because i wanted to be a buyer not a renter. I wanted something in life we both owned together, something that would draw us closer and make us feel committed to each other and the business.

She never offered me any of her small business, but that was fine with me, because i didn't want anything of hers. I am a self made man and fiercely proud of it. I told her i would never live off her no matter what. She also agreed to that and told me she would never support me no matter what. At least we agreed on something.

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So here is where it starts to go off the rails.

We met in the end of 2005. I spent the first 2/3s of 2006 doing a little here and there - business was gradually increasing and things looking good but not anything spectacular.

In 2006 i put together a biggish business deal for about 100K USD. I managed to get this off the ground and going. It involved importing a lot of high tech stuff for the business from the USA in a container. This was the first sign of friction between us.

She was involved in a local school - well actually a lot more then that. She and another person started the school 20 odd years ago. Today it is one of the biggest schools in this country. Back in 2006 as we were trying to get this business deal going she would leave me to organize everything and then in the middle of some details going on with suppliers in the USA go off to school meetings and just leave me struggling with things.

I remember one night while i was trying to tie up details with suppliers (because of the time difference we could only talk with our US suppliers at night our time which was business hours in the US) i told her off - i really told her what i thought about her just dropping everything and running off to the school all the time. It was a major argument. I think that was the first really really big one. It was stress on my part. I was struggling to get a 100K deal off the ground. She kept dropping everything all the time and going running off to school meetings.

She was angry at me since the school had been such a big part of her life and now i was demanding she drop it. I tried to explain to her i did not want her to drop it per se, but that we had a deal to pull off and we were in for a lot of money and if it went wrong we (I really) would be busted. I would be starting over again if it went wrong. She did not have that pressure at all, so she could look at it differently to me.

The way i saw this was she joined in on my business of her own free will, no one put a gun to her head. We had canvassed our (my) idea around a lot and had 23 buyers onboard who wanted the product i was going to import. I had taken their money. I was responsible for this deal, the clients money etc. I take this very seriously. I told her that she simply had to choose. If she wanted the school so much then she could have that no problem. If she wanted to stay with me in the business and go ahead and pull this deal off then she had to decide where her loyalties were. At the end of the day it was her decison - just make it and we will deal with the aftermath of it as we go - but she had to decide where her attention was going to go. I said to her, i was not asking her to leave the school or pull out - just that we had a crucial time right now and that after the container was packed and dispatched to us from the USA she would have 3 months of complete quiet before the container got here and she could use that time to catch up with the school.

Well she backed away from the school, got the deal done and we got on with things. But she never ever forgave me for the "interruption" to her life.

The container arrived and things got hectic. The business just exploded - it got wildly successful. Better then i could have dreamed of. I had pre-sold 23 units of the product and added 17 units out of my own money so i would have extras to keep in stock. Ha ! Within 6 weeks of the container arriving we were ordering more...and more.... and more.... and more.

Things just got crazy.

We were so busy. This new business just took over our life. Her original business suffered - but that was her choice. It kept going - its still going today but is a shadow of its former self - she blames me for that.

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Now with all that history behind us, it gets me up to where i have totally ruined everything.

So its 2006, the container arrives. Things are hectic. The job involves me going out onto the clients site and installing the equipment. This involves, doing concrete work, steel work, cabling, mechanical assembly, tuning, computer work and IT. Yeah its a hell of a combination ! But i had either learnt all the skills or already knew about it so i was good to go.

But it was hectic going! I was seriously stressed all the time - it was/is high tech work. I was new to the high tech side of things. I had no one to tech me so i had to teach myself as i went. I managed OK. I picked up the skills i didn't have fine. But it was a very stressful time. I was driving all over the country - constantly - i was on the road an average of 24 nights a month - i was living out of a suitcase, i was staying in rotten shoddy little rat house hotels (normal here) the food was bad, couldn't get a hot shower in the morning, would struggle to get a cup of tea etc. ( i'm an odd one - i just need a hot shower and a cup of tea in the morning and i can face anything - if i don't get my shower and cup of tea i am grumpy and surly).

I was doing 3 installations a week - i would come home after 2 weeks on the road, spend a night, resupply what we need to do my installs and go again.

This went on for last part of 2006, than all of 2007,2008, 2009. I worked 7 days a week - jobs were back to back. I had more work then i could do. I had a back log of orders at least 10 to 12 deep at anytime. I would no sooner get the backlog down to say, 7 or 8 installs waiting and then orders would come in and i would be back to 15 installs waiting.

As i said it was hectic. I became tired. I became grumpy. You see where this is going........

I seem to have a business brain. I pick things up fast. I can teach myself most anything if i apply myself. I am good at what ever it is i do. I do well in business and i think fast on my feet..... which is the total opposite of her.

And thats where the trouble started.

Reading through this site i have read all about the LOVE BANK. I see now as i look back that i have only ever withdrawn. No wonder things are the way they are.

I have had so many AO's at her over the years that i could write a manual on AO's.

I am going to tell you how i justified it all......

I went into the relationship coming off a very bad rough number of years. I had been on the streets of London with 5 pence in my pocket waiting to go to prison. I had come back to this country to try again. I got it all up and running and going well. I always (and still do) feel like i have a knife to my throat. If things go bad and i collapse i have no means of support, nowhere to go no way to survive. I take things very seriously - there is no social security here. She comes from a wealthy family. She will inherit a lot of land. Owns her own home. She has nothing to fear of the future no matter how well or bad business goes. She has told me from the start she will never support me. So i feel like i have to keep going , never stop or i may land back on hard times - i have been there once - never again. I am driven to go go go all the time. She is not.

So given she has not a single business brain cell in her head and does really stupid things all the time, i often end up yelling at her and telling her what an idiot she is for the latest mess up she has caused.

I see now that this is only withdrawing from the LOVE BANK.

This has been going on since 2006/7.

I could go into things that have happened in those years but wont. ( i can hear the crowd cheering ......yaaaah - he is going to spare us ) This is already a mini novel.

Thing is i realize that what i have done is wrong. I do get nothing ever justifies an AO. I dont know how to stop. I dont know how to stop feeling like i have a knife to my throat - she is fine, has little to worry about financially. I am constantly feeling like i cant stop working in order to keep the wolf away from the door. I get so frustrated with her, with the silly things she does.

If i am brutally honest, as i look back, i think the root cause of all my issues with her today are all caused by my constant abuse of her, the yelling at her, me telling her what an idiot she is blah blah blah.... you get the picture.

I don't know how to stop this behavior.

Reading this site has at least woken me up to the concept of the Love Bank and AO's. I mean i know i have been doing it, but when i read through some of the threads on here i shudder to think that some of these writers are describing me at times. It makes me cringe and feel ashamed.

Now don't get me wrong - she has done some powerful wrong things.

You will be blown away with what she has done to me.

But i believe the root cause of all this was me.

So where does all this leave me?

We had a major blow up last Monday. I had to go in town to drop some workers off. When i got back home she was gone. I have not heard from her since. Its a week today.

I feel so frustrated with the things she does which leads me to an AO , yet feel so devastated when she walks out and leaves the home.

The blow up was over $130,000 USD she has lied to me about. The money is gone from our accounts. She told me 6 weeks ago she had transferred money to our suppliers to bring up the arrears we were in (that she got us into)and that the accounts were either square now or very close to it. I believed her. I really shouldn't have but i did.

On Monday Afternoon i had been over to her office to meet a client who had come to see us. After he left we spent a little time to discuss the business issues then i told her i had to get back to my desk as i had to call our suppliers over seas to discuss a new business deal i was setting up with them.

While i was on the phone to them they told me they needed me to bring our account with them up to date. I asked them what they were talking about as my wife had not long ago sent them a sizable money wire. They told me that they had received $10k from us 2 weeks ago and that i owed them $130K USD. I was shocked. I felt embarrassed that this guy that i do business with attacked me like that over the money that i thought had been paid but in reality had not. I told him i would look into and sort out the mix up and get back to him and put down the phone.

I SHOULD HAVE TAKEN 30 MINS TO CALM DOWN .......

I went to her office and totally lost it...... i mean lost it.

She lies to me all the time. This is just the latest of a long long long string of lies and deception by her.

How did it all get this way? Was it caused by me and the way i yell at her - i have tried to stop but she is .....unbelievable in the things she does. She gets me so wound up with the things she does.

I feel like i am in hell.

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Superken,

You really need to stop writing in such detail, because most people will not take the time to read all of that and you will not get many responses. We don't need every detail of your history to advise you on Dr Harley's principles, which is what we do here.

What is your question exactly?

It sounds to me like you are very abusive to this woman. If she were here I would advise her to end her relationship with you until such time that you can prove that you are no longer abusive.

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Yep - agree - i should not tell the world this stuff .

I wrote in great detail to set the stage - put it all out there.

Easier to tell it all, how the first marriage broke up and why (since i was asked), and how i ended up in this one and why things developed the way they did.

Do you think its easy saying any of this?

I was hoping for some insight from the caring people here who talk to people in distress - which is why most people come here.

If you dont want to read it all - then simply dont.

But i still hope to get some insight into how both sides may see this. I came in here because i do care and i am not oblivious to what has happened or gone on.

But it does take two to tango.

But thanks for your constructive input. most helpful.

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Originally Posted by superken
But thanks for your constructive input. most helpful.
I'm guessing that you meant the opposite of what you said. If so, that sarcastic response is most unattractive if you want help.

Originally Posted by superken
If you dont want to read it all - then simply dont.
That's the problem that you are facing, ken. A lot of people seem to have clicked onto this thread (you can see the number of views) and yet nobody has offered any advice. unwritten was simply trying to alert you to why that might be. She was not making a personal attack on you. She was giving you advice, to post one more, much shorter post with a specific question that people can see, and answer. There are,as you recognise, a lot of caring people here who talk to people in distress; people like unwritten come here and post almost every day. Why do you think none of those regular, devoted posters has posted to you?

I am reading through your very long posts myself, in between trying to do the work for which I am paid. I will try and offer advice later, when I have got through them all. I'm sure others will, too. In the meantime, don't let your bad temper alienate the caring people who are here to help.


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Originally Posted by superken
Yep - agree - i should not tell the world this stuff .

I wrote in great detail to set the stage - put it all out there.

Easier to tell it all, how the first marriage broke up and why (since i was asked), and how i ended up in this one and why things developed the way they did.

Do you think its easy saying any of this?

I was hoping for some insight from the caring people here who talk to people in distress - which is why most people come here.

If you dont want to read it all - then simply dont.

But i still hope to get some insight into how both sides may see this. I came in here because i do care and i am not oblivious to what has happened or gone on.

But it does take two to tango.

But thanks for your constructive input. most helpful.

Actually I did read it all. But I know most people won't and it will cost you some advice. I am trying to figure out if you are here for advice, because there aren't any real questions in those lengthy posts of yours.

It sounds like you have identified some of your own misbehaviors and the reasons both your marriage and your current relationship are failing. Yet you have made excuses for those behaviors and do not seem to wish to change them. Do you?

You put your work before your marriage and it came between your marriage. It sounds like you routinely do that in your currently relationship as well, and it again is coming between you and your current girlfriend. Are you willing to change that?

You are very abusive, you speak a lot about your AO's and DJ's and seem to be oblivious to the fact that you and you alone are responsible for this and you CAN change this. Are you willing to?

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Originally Posted by superken
So given she has not a single business brain cell in her head and does really stupid things all the time, i often end up yelling at her and telling her what an idiot she is for the latest mess up she has caused.

This is INCREDIBLY disrespectful. Is this the way you talk to her? I would also walk out the door and not come back if someone talked to me this way.

Even if business was not something she excelled at, and she did things that did not have business sense, that is not an excuse for you to yell at her and tell her what an idiot she is. Do you realize that YOU are responsible for that behavior and nothing she does or does not do is the cause of it?

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Originally Posted by superken
I feel so frustrated with the things she does which leads me to an AO , yet feel so devastated when she walks out and leaves the home.

NOTHING she does leads you to AOs. You alone are responsible for your AOs. All of us, everyone in the world, have people around us who do frustrating things, but we don't all have AO's. I am guessing you do not have AO's to your clients, right? If so you would not have a business for long. You CHOOSE to have AO's to your girlfriend. Until you own that it is your choice and something you are choosing to do and can stop if you want to, you are just making excuses for this abusive behavior.

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Wow, I don't see what's in the relationship for her if this is the way you behave. That was full of disrespect.

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Good morning to you all,

OK well i asked for it, so looks like i got it.

Ok first things first. My reply to the first reply received on this thread.

I thought the reply was in credibly shallow. You passed judgement without asking any questions, without any digging. You may not want to expend the energy in getting "involved" in the thread. That's your decision. But why jump to the harsh conclusion you jumped too?

Yes the posts were long. I know that, i knew it as i was writing it. Do you really think i could write so many words and not "get" it was long winded? I feel you could have been a little more....ummm.....diplomatic tinged with a little respect in your reply.

So yes, long story. I know my life means nothing to you but it means the world to me.

How else do you explain the tragedies that have hit your life and colored your view of the world? Because it is these experiences in life that make you what you are today.

I layed it out in detail because i am interested in trying to figure out where and why i have gone wrong. If a person who is caring and may want to offer some insight does want to reply to the thread, is it not beneficial to have the story behind the lead up rather then have to ask 64,000 questions to understand the dynamics of the situation? You see that is my point of view of things ...give me the story, all the details so i can ponder the situation....i dont want to have to ask question after question trying to understand the situation.

Obviously our points of view differ on this, so perhaps we can agree to disagree and while disagreeing maybe be respectful to each other? I mean......

"It sounds to me like you are very abusive to this woman. If she were here I would advise her to end her relationship with you until such time that you can prove that you are no longer abusive."

...that is so helpful.........not.

You passed judgement without any understanding whatsoever of the dynamics of what is going on. I would have hoped you may have asked a question or two before jumping on me like that.

I say again, it was incredibly difficult to write that stuff out. The mistake is i should not have posted it online. It should have stayed a journal entry. But it was valuable to commit it to paper (well, screen anyway). Of course it means nothing to you..why would it? It means nothing for you or anyone else here, but for me it was the start of a long journey i must undertake.

Correct me if i am wrong, but the sense i get on this forum is that is is "MOSTLY" (but not always) women who come in here laying it all out about what is going on in their relationship?

I may be wrong, but that is the sense i get.

I would have thought that a man, who has done some of the things women report here, and who understands that there is definitely errant behavior that is unacceptable going on in a relationship and who is honest enough to admit it and brave enough to face it would be met with some insight from a women s point of view

Its not easy to face up to and own ones issues and problems. But i would rather look within and figure out my part of the interplay in this complex scenario then go on the blame game. I really do prefer an intelligent conversation and talking things through rather then get into a heated argument or a yelling match.

In that vein, i told you about a short period of my life (about 5 years worth)that lead up to the relationship i am in now. I feel it was important to have context to the situation. You dont see it that way.

The 5 years prior to me getting involved with this women i am with now were a period of intense loss, stress and life changing outcomes. This has shaped my world view. I openly admit that i was on an emotional roller coaster. My partner tells me she thought i was emotionally unstable. I most probably was. I gave the back ground to how i ended up the way i was.

Sorry, but i thought your reply was unduly harsh, for your first comment. All you can say to me is, you think she should stay away from me till i can stop the AO's? No hint, of "gee i am sorry you went through all that, i cant even imagine how it must have been".....

The tragedy of losing ones beloved wife, precious children, home, possessions, wealth. To have to stay out of your country of birth in order to protect yourself from being made destitute by an uncaring system out of control and heavily biased towards women. Having to struggle on alone, deep in the bush in a third world country, alone,no one around who speaks English, starved of company or conversation, lacking creature comforts, decent food, i may as well have been on the Moon. Feeling cast out and left for dead to slowly starve because i was fleeced of every cent i had by the legal system that is so biased towards women in my home country ...... To me that was incredibly traumatic and had a very heavy profound impact on me. I still have not recovered today, 15 years later.

While it was long winded to you, i omitted a great deal in the interest of brevity. I was trying to set the scene so an intelligent discussion could start, so there was some understanding of me, why i may be feeling the way i do, how that may be impacting and distorting my sense how to go about life.

Its a difficult thing to do, to face yourself. To question yourself. To own your issues. To not try to find blame in anyone else for why you have done what you have. To look within can be a painful experience. It can be (and is to me) an uncomfortable experience. Still, i am not going to run away from it, i will face it, i will endure the criticism, however unfair it may be.

I asked for it. I got it. What was i expecting......whatever it was, it was most certainly not being what i feel was, being attacked.




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Unwritten,

Yes i *DO* accept that i alone am responsible for *ANYTHING* i do.

That is exactly why i revealed what i have in the first place. I have no issue with "Owning" my behavior. But you do realize that it takes 2 to tango - right?

So yes i have done things i most definitely should not have done. If i were a perfect human being i would not let my frustrations get the better of me. But the reality is i am Human and full of problems and issues.

I want to get on top of those issues and stop any further disastrous experiences in life that are my own doing.

I would have thought that by me revealing my behavior that it would express a sense of me "owing up" to my behavior - not hiding from it or trying to pass the buck, as it were.

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