Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 35 1 2 3 34 35
#2868456 10/26/15 08:29 PM
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 339
W
Member
OP Offline
Member
W
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 339
I was told by some family to get on these forums for help/advice by "sexymommabear" and "Herpapabear"

My wife and I are both turning 25 in a month or so. We have been married for a little over 2 years. We have no kids, we miscarried a few months ago. We are both about equally accomplished in our career paths, but she works in corporate so she makes more money than me. We have a house that's 1.5years into its mortgage, 2 cars that are not paid off yet and we both have student loans - however, we have never missed a payment and have no trouble making these payments.
Three weeks ago, my wife had an affair. A workplace affair - albeit he works for the company from a different state. In two days, she is getting on a plane to see him again.
I do not want to divorce her, I love this woman with everything I am. I made a commitment to her before God. She's determined to leave me.
For starts, I need help Exposing & Ending a workplace affair in a way that is not vindictive or spiteful. I want this affair to end because I care about her, and this affair is dangerous for her - regardless of if my marriage survives.
I appreciate anyone that tells me I should leave her, but that is not an option for me at the moment. She is my one and only.

Thanks for any insight.
WrestlerChemist

Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 6,108
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 6,108
Welcome to MB. Sorry for the circumstances that bring you here.

Is OM married? Workplace exposure it crucial to nuke this affair. Is OM in a management position?

Who have you exposed the affair to so far?

Last edited by black_raven; 10/26/15 08:55 PM.

BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 2,583
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 2,583
WrestlerChemist, I am heartbroken for you and your wife. I am sitting here in tears for you.

black_raven, MelodyLane, Mr. & Mrs. Wondering, MarriedForever and Neak were some of the wise people who walked me through my darkest times. I hope they will show up here. You are in good hands with them.

We are praying for you and for Mrs. WrestlerChemist.



Happily married to HerPapaBear



Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 6,025
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 6,025
Exposure will always appear spiteful and vindictive to the wayward spouse but your marriage can survive her anger.....her ongoing affair not so much.

As long as your exposure is done with the intent of breaking up the affair and saving your wife from making the biggest mistake of her life versus simply punishing her for cheating on you...it's not vindictive.

short term marriage without children....go big on exposure. You got one big shot to bust things up.

Tell us about OM's side of things. Is he married? It's often much easier to get the OM to dump your wife than to get a wayward wife to look at reality. She's got to become more trouble than she is worth. That happens when everyone he knows and loves is giving him grief for messing with a married woman and he knows he can't show his face anywhere with her. If he's single....he's got a world of single women to pursue that have a lot less baggage than your wife. You just have to make the baggage even heavier.


FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered

"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 1,433
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 1,433
You need to worry less about how the exposure might be perceived, and concentrate on making it the most effective. You should expose to everybody at once. You don't want to give the affair partners time to spin a story. You want the exposure to swamp them like a tidal wave. That will give you the best chance of crushing the fantasy that supports the affair.


me-65
wife-61
married for 40 years
DS - 38, autistic, lives at home
DD - 37, married and on her own
DS - 32, still living with us
mrEureka #2868465 10/26/15 10:09 PM
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 339
W
Member
OP Offline
Member
W
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 339
My wife has intentionally kept information pertaining to him a secret. All I know is that he is in the same company and he is single.

I believe she has kept it a secret for the fact that she doesn't want me to expose her. However, I have plenty to expose her with... I am afraid to appear spiteful (as you have mentioned, I should worry less about that).

So far the only people that know are her parents, my brother and anyone she has told in private.

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Hi WC, welcome to Marriage Builders. Sorry for the reasons that have brought you here. Exposure is your most powerful weapon against the affair. Affairs thrive and grow on secrecy, so keeping it a secret only serves to enable the affair. Don't worry about what anyone may say about exposure because those people won't pay the price. YOU WILL. It is not their getting gored, after all. Don't let it concern you one bit.

Please go read through the exposure thread linked in my signature and come back and lets talk.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by WrestlerChemist
My wife has intentionally kept information pertaining to him a secret. All I know is that he is in the same company and he is single.

I would find out who he is and check out his facebook page. Finding out his name, etc, will be a critical first step in saving your marriage.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 339
W
Member
OP Offline
Member
W
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 339
I should probably mention that my wife and I seldomnly are on Facebook. That being said - I did take your advice and look when this was first happening. I could only really narrow it down to four people (1 mutal friend - my wife, works at same company..etc) She does you Facebook messenger, but there is no way I know to view that. If she doesn't tell me his name I do not know how to get it.
The four Facebook friends have not been active since like 2014 in some cases. But I do have reason to believe they primarily communicated through Facebook messenger.

Last edited by WrestlerChemist; 10/27/15 06:00 AM.
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,527
Likes: 9
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,527
Likes: 9
Originally Posted by WrestlerChemist
I should probably mention that my wife and I seldomnly are on Facebook. That being said - I did take your advice and look when this was first happening. I could only really narrow it down to four people (1 mutal friend - my wife, works at same company..etc) She does you Facebook messenger, but there is no way I know to view that. If she doesn't tell me his name I do not know how to get it.
The way to get that is to put spyware on the device she is using. What does she use? Do you know the password?


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 1,433
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 1,433
Originally Posted by WrestlerChemist
My wife has intentionally kept information pertaining to him a secret. All I know is that he is in the same company and he is single.

I believe she has kept it a secret for the fact that she doesn't want me to expose her. However, I have plenty to expose her with... I am afraid to appear spiteful (as you have mentioned, I should worry less about that).

So far the only people that know are her parents, my brother and anyone she has told in private.
Of course your wife wants to keep her affair secret. Everybody in an affair wants secrecy. Secrecy enables affairs. That is why exposure is so effective at disrupting them.

What you are likely to discover eventually is that you played a surprisingly small role in your wife's affair. She didn't think about you at all. It was all about maintaining her fantasy.


me-65
wife-61
married for 40 years
DS - 38, autistic, lives at home
DD - 37, married and on her own
DS - 32, still living with us
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 339
W
Member
OP Offline
Member
W
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 339
She uses a Samsung phone - I have zero access to it. I have already looked into the spyware and apps I would need to download on her phone. Also, I do not know her unlock password.

I forgot to also mention, she is somewhat moved out of the house. She does not sleep or do anything at the house.

Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 339
W
Member
OP Offline
Member
W
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 339
Mr eureka, I totally understand. Some of the other comments were asking for the OM name - which I simply have no means of obtaining.

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by WrestlerChemist
Mr eureka, I totally understand. Some of the other comments were asking for the OM name - which I simply have no means of obtaining.

WC, you have to get his name. Can you slip spyware on her phone? Have you looked at her phone bill? Surely she is talking to him on the phone.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
check this out: http://www.teensafe.com/



"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,842
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,842
Can you get a PI? She is meeting him. A PI could follow and get you further proof and a name.

Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
Originally Posted by WrestlerChemist
I should probably mention that my wife and I seldomnly are on Facebook. That being said - I did take your advice and look when this was first happening. I could only really narrow it down to four people (1 mutal friend - my wife, works at same company..etc) She does you Facebook messenger, but there is no way I know to view that. If she doesn't tell me his name I do not know how to get it.
The four Facebook friends have not been active since like 2014 in some cases. But I do have reason to believe they primarily communicated through Facebook messenger.

Hi, WC. Herpapabear was the best mentor I ever had from this forum in the process of saving my marriage and becoming a better husband. Sexymamabear helped persuade my wife to reveal her Facebook affair, which was primarily conducted through Facebook messenger. I will always be in their debt.

Do not talk to your wife about exposing her affair. This is something to do unilaterally. She will make her own decision about how to perceive your motives. There is a good chance she won't feel positive about it for a long time, but that is fine. Just walk through the steps and get the information and get it done.

Please pay very close attention to MelodyLane (as I'm sure HPB and SMB have already advised you) - her years of experience at ending affairs are legendary.

You have to find out the information about this affair, starting with the person's identity. This is a problem that must be solved! Does she facebook with him on a computer at all? I'd get keylogging software onto that computer pronto.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 1,433
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 1,433
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by WrestlerChemist
Mr eureka, I totally understand. Some of the other comments were asking for the OM name - which I simply have no means of obtaining.

WC, you have to get his name. Can you slip spyware on her phone? Have you looked at her phone bill? Surely she is talking to him on the phone.
WC - I sense that you are somebody who likes to follow the rules and do things cleanly. These traits are not going to serve you well at this point in time. You need to become objective-oriented about what you do. Finding out details about the OM is the top priority. Your wife has no reasonable expectation of privacy from you as her husband. You need to get aggressive. Saving your marriage might just require that you step on the grass.


me-65
wife-61
married for 40 years
DS - 38, autistic, lives at home
DD - 37, married and on her own
DS - 32, still living with us
mrEureka #2868488 10/27/15 10:30 AM
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 339
W
Member
OP Offline
Member
W
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 339
I just don't have physical access to her phone and she is the primary owner of our phone service. Without asking her for the account password - I cannot view our paperless bills.

Her parents have also stated that they are fearful of her losing her job. But are agreeing that it cannot be a secret anymore.
I am someone who plays by the rules, and I do get the feeling that its not going to help me here.

Should I give her the chance to not get on the plane? (Albeit a lost cause) or do I just pull the trigger and let everyone outside of her work know?

Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,842
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,842
Let everyone including her work know.

Page 1 of 35 1 2 3 34 35

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,071 guests, and 57 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5