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Originally Posted by WrestlerChemist
Melody, Sorry.

I told him that I am aware of the affair he is having with my wife.

Good deal. That is your evidence.

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Her dad told her uncles.

i would contact them directly. Use the talking points on my exposure thread and ask them to use their influence with your WW to persuade her to end her affair.

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She told me about the affair, but not the individual.

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I do not know how to get in contact with anyone higher than my wife's boss, let alone someone from another state.

Figure this out. Go to their webpage, call the company and ask for the name of the Director of HR. You don't just stop and give up. Stay on this.

You also need to find the oM's parents. Have you found them yet?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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The purpose of exposure is 2-fold, it is to gain support for your marriage and splash a dose of reality on the affair. It is no fun to get high on crack when people are all watching you. An affair is like a crack addiction. So just telling the uncles about the affair is not sufficient, you need their support. It would be ideal if they could call her and express their disappointment and ask her to end her affair. Use these talking points:

I am calling [emailing] you because you are an important person in the lives of xxxx and I. As some of you know, xxxxx has recently asked me for a separation, which has shattered my heart. To my shock, I am saddened to have discovered that the reason is because she has been carrying on an affair with a man named XXX. She is flying to be with him this weekend. I am devastated because I love her so much.

She refuses to end the affair. I want our marriage to recover from this affair. If you have any influence on my babe, please do what you can to get her to stop this dangerous affair. I want to stay married, but the affair must end.

As her family, I am asking that you use your influence with xxxx to persuade her to end her affair and try to work on our marriage. Our marriage can be salvaged if she would only end the affair. Please support her in doing the right thing. Please support our marriage.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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You hit the mark.
Friends in "adultery speak" = affair partner(at minimum emotional).

You are correct opposite sex "friends" do not speak on the phone for 90min repeatedly.

NebDane #2868619 10/28/15 01:42 PM
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You did GREAT!!! My husband once told me that I ruined everything and he was going to try to give me a chance until I told everyone, yeaaaaaaah ok. For what its worth, exposure DID save my marriage. We're 2 years out and better than we have ever been in our entire marriage. Even if you don't recover your marriage, you will recover YOURSELF and you will be better for it! You've got this. Keep on the path with the guidance you're given here and your life will change.


BW-27
FWH-31
DS-6
Married several years
D-Day- 11/22/13
Plan A+Exposure
NC+Beginning of Recovery-04/2014

In Recovery and happier and more in love than ever
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Originally Posted by WrestlerChemist
She just texted me - "Why are you all the sudden deciding that you all you want to do is hurt me?"

My heart aches for her so much, but I chose a path and I believe this is the only way I can save my marriage. I am done responding to her at least I would say until Monday.

I have talked to sexymommabear and Herpapabear about meeting up in person to decide/prepare for next steps...

Keep working on the exposure.

Don't forget that you can't debate her on this, so don't even try. Just keep doing the right thing.

(Tell SMB and HPB that markos and Prisca say hi!)


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
markos #2868685 10/29/15 09:57 AM
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I have lost support from my wife's parents... Albeit likely temporary. They said I went too far with the exposure. I'm pretty stuck now - the waiting game is no fun.

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Originally Posted by WrestlerChemist
I have lost support from my wife's parents... Albeit likely temporary. They said I went too far with the exposure. I'm pretty stuck now - the waiting game is no fun.
I feel your pain on this. My MIL had a similar reaction. Although, I will say this comes from a side of the family with very weak, if not disfunctional marriages. I did not find that anyone that appreciated the value of marriage oposed the exposure, but those with weak values did. When your inlaws show weak values it partially explains why you spouse got caught up with infadelity in the first place.

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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
The purpose of exposure is 2-fold, it is to gain support for your marriage and splash a dose of reality on the affair. It is no fun to get high on crack when people are all watching you. An affair is like a crack addiction. So just telling the uncles about the affair is not sufficient, you need their support. It would be ideal if they could call her and express their disappointment and ask her to end her affair. Use these talking points:

Contact the uncles directly, as MelodyLane. Don't rely on her dad doing it, because he is apparently a friend of the affair, not of the marriage.

Don't wait! Don't drag out exposure! Get this done!


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Reread MelodyLane's posts and see what else you could be doing.

Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by WrestlerChemist
Melody, Sorry.

I told him that I am aware of the affair he is having with my wife.

Good deal. That is your evidence.

Quote
Her dad told her uncles.

i would contact them directly. Use the talking points on my exposure thread and ask them to use their influence with your WW to persuade her to end her affair.

Quote
She told me about the affair, but not the individual.

Quote
I do not know how to get in contact with anyone higher than my wife's boss, let alone someone from another state.

Figure this out. Go to their webpage, call the company and ask for the name of the Director of HR. You don't just stop and give up. Stay on this.

You also need to find the oM's parents. Have you found them yet?


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Originally Posted by WrestlerChemist
I have lost support from my wife's parents... Albeit likely temporary. They said I went too far with the exposure. I'm pretty stuck now - the waiting game is no fun.

Don't let this bother you. Many people do not understand the value of exposure. But they are not the ones who will suffer the consequences if you didn't expose. You are the one whose ox is getting gored, NOT THEM. Follow the professional and seasoned advice of a clinical psychologist who has been saving marriages for 40 years:

Originally Posted by Dr Bill Harley
"Exposure is very likely to end the affair, lifting the fog that has overcome the unfaithful spouse, helping him or her become truly repentant and willing to put energy and effort into a full marital recovery. In my experience with thousands of couples who struggle with the fallout of infidelity, exposure has been the single most important first step toward recovery. It not only helps end the affair, but it also provides support to the betrayed spouse, giving him or her stamina to hold out for ultimate recovery."
When Should an Affair Be Exposed? by Willard F. Harley, Jr., Ph.D.

So while I know your in-laws mean well, they have no experience in saving marriages. Dr. Harley DOES.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Thanks Melody for the reassurance. My wife's parents are some of the most Godly people I know, and they have excellent marriage values. They are on an emotional roller coaster, not as extreme as mine. They are thinking "how could our daughter do anything like this?"
I do believe in what I've done. I have talked to a lot of her close friends and family members. I just keep letting them know that the affair is dangerous and needs to end.
I am 99.9% sure she got on the plane last night, hopefully I induced enough panic on the right OM to make them two love bust each other... I am prepared to keep this fight up much longer than a few days - but let's just say, its nice to hope she gets back and ends the affair due to outside pressures...
I am doubtful though.

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The bad thing I am starting to encounter as I tell some of her good work friends is that they all think "everyone is their own person at the end of the day." Exactly the mindset this company has put onto my wife...

But they all also think I am nuts for trying to work it out, that they could never bare the pain/betrayal. That's why I think this is going to work, because I am baring the pain and my love for her is shining through...

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Originally Posted by WrestlerChemist
Thanks Melody for the reassurance. My wife's parents are some of the most Godly people I know, and they have excellent marriage values. They are on an emotional roller coaster, not as extreme as mine. They are thinking "how could our daughter do anything like this?"
Some of the most Godly people I know have absolutely NO CLUE on how to recover from affairs. You are engaged in this process to save your marriage, and not to collect opinions from those around you on what they think you should be doing. Dr. Harley is an expert. Many of us have used his affair-recovery methods to great success.

Her parents thinking "how could our daughter do this?" is direct evidence that their opinions are worthless. We KNOW how she could do it. We have been through this ourselves. I personally am married to and very much in love with a woman who proved she could do it. We understand how it happens and what has to be done to save a marriage. Unfortunately, being Godly is not an attribute for knowing how to survive infidelity.


me-65
wife-61
married for 40 years
DS - 38, autistic, lives at home
DD - 37, married and on her own
DS - 32, still living with us
mrEureka #2868728 10/29/15 07:11 PM
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IF you have further discussions with her "Godly" parents you may have the opportunity to assert:

"Did you not entrust your daughter, in front of God and numerous witnesses to my care? If so, then you must trust me that I know what is best for her. She was God's gift to me and God is directing me to fight for her and try to save her from making the biggest mistake of her life [and thereafter]. I would really appreciate your 100% support right now but understand if you are skeptical of my efforts to save her. All I ask is that you not enable her rebellion against God."

If her parents are letting her stay there and continue to behave this way...that is a mistake and you should ask them to send her home and be offended if they do not respect your wishes. She is not an abused woman needing shelter. She is an adulterous woman seeking out and exploiting the weaknesses of those who care about her so she can continue down the adulterous path.

In the alternative...she can stay there only if they forbid her to conduct the affair under their roof in any way shape or manner and they follow through insuring that she sticks to their rules. If she ends the affair ...her parents house isn't the worst place for her to start defogging a bit. It's not the best alternative because parents aren't very good a holding a wayward wife accountable. It's preferable they send her home (or just make her leave).


FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered

"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
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Thanks Mr. Wondering - that is good notes for me if they communicate with me again. As a side note, I would be thrilled if she was staying with her parents.
She is actually staying with a coworker - who I told on exposure day. I don't know where she goes from here. Only time will tell on Sunday night when she gets back.

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I have a question. When she gets back on Sunday night from her trip with the OM, what do I do?
Plan A right away? I kind of read Dr. Harleys Plan A recommendation as after the affair has ended... What do I do in the meantime? Keep laying low and protecring my LB?

Just some thoughts I had - and you guys have been so helpful thus far.

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Plan A is intended for when the spouse is in an affair. In Plan A, you do your best to meet her needs and present yourself as an attractive person. No lovebusting, no fighting; don't allow her to BAIT you into fights. Tell her how much her affair hurts you and ask her to end affair.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by WrestlerChemist
The bad thing I am starting to encounter as I tell some of her good work friends is that they all think "everyone is their own person at the end of the day." Exactly the mindset this company has put onto my wife...

I think that is really cute and winsome. Would they say this if she was a serial killer or a heroin addict? They are just "being their own person," right? crazy

She is doing something very self destructive that will wreck her life so I find it interesting that her so-called "friends" would enable her in such a way. The reason they do is because they DON'T CARE. "Friends" don't sit around and parrot idiotic phrases when their friends are harming themselves. I don't have a single friend who would put up with me if I were having an affair. Not a single one. Because friends don't help friends harm themselves.

Those people are not her "friends." They clearly don't care about her.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
"Friends" don't sit around and parrot idiotic phrases when their friends are harming themselves. I don't have a single friend who would put up with me if I were having an affair. Not a single one. Because friends don't help friends harm themselves.

Melody that's my exact thinking. They aren't her friends, they are someone who they've convinced my wife to join their lifestyle.

I will read up on Plan A as much as I can and plan on no love busting. I do have some questions about what exactly to say... I get "this affair is hurting me and I want you to end it."
But how many times can I say that? Could someone maybe give me like three phrases to come back to so I have a defined plan. I believe with a well thought out plan I will be best prepared so I never accidentally love bust.

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Melody I am very appreciative of how quickly you generally respond by the way. Thank you.

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