What to Do with an Abusive Husband
by Willard Harley, Phd
Dear Dr. Harley,
My husband and I have been married for 12 years. We have two daughters, 7 and 9. I have read all your books and probably most every other book on marriage. But our marriage has been bad from the beginning. I have done everything I know to try to improve it, but nothing helps.
My husband is very critical and abusive. We rarely talk unless we are forced to make a decision. And that's scary because we disagree on everything and it ends up as a fight. If I do attempt to have a conversation about some general subject, he wants to know, "What's your point?" So I avoid conversation if at all possible. Every little thing is an ordeal. I have tried negotiation, but without cooperation I am unable to succeed. He has very little respect for me and when he gets angry he mocks me, yells or gives me ultimatums. It's just not worth it.
Our sex life is terrible. During our first year of marriage he told me that I wasn't worth sleeping with and over the years has been very insulting to me about sex. I have read books to try to improve my physical attraction but he won't talk to me about it. He just says to use my imagination. I believe that is his way of keeping me guessing and feeling inadequate. When we make love I feel angry or depressed, but I do it as a way of grasping for any kind of intimacy I can get. I work very hard to look nice for him, and others tell me I am very attractive. But he uses very insulting words to describe my appearance.
He hit me several times earlier in our marriage, but now he goes only as far as he thinks he can to intimidate me without "crossing the line". I told him I would report him to the police if he ever hit me again. I have been trying to protect our daughters from his anger and criticism as much as possible. But I have failed miserably. When my oldest daughter was old enough to vocalize her emotions she said she never wanted to be at home because of my husband's abusive behavior. I knew no matter how much I could take, my children didn't need to be living in that situation.
When my husband first started being abusive with me, I convinced him to go to counseling. He said he would go because he thought that the counselor would tell me that I needed to change. But when he didn't hear what he wanted, he quit and forbid me to ever go again.
A few years later, when I was suffering from depression, he relented and "allowed" me to go because our insurance paid for it. Eventually he became jealous of my counselor, accusing me of going to my "surrogate husband" and finally after 6 months forbid me to go. But I did not quit this time. I told him he was welcome to come anytime, and that I would not quit until I felt strong enough (by this time I was diagnosed with acute clinical depression).
After a year of counseling I was prepared to leave my husband. But my threat to leave him motivated him to see a marriage counselor, and that did help our marriage. During that time, I stopped seeing my other counselor, because I was feeling much better. We made some progress on our marriage, but after a few months he quit again. Once again, he did the minimum it took to get what he wanted -- for me to stop seeing my counselor.
I think he has a lot of insecurities and tries to make himself feel superior by making me feel worthless. I learned to deal with some of this in counseling, but how long can someone be expected to hold up in a marriage with someone like that?
Dr. Harley, I've told him I am willing to do anything if we could only try to make our marriage pleasant. At times he will agree, but he never follows through. I have given up my dreams of a good marriage one by one until I have very little hope left. I am starting to get depressed again, and the depression only makes things worse. I feel so trapped. I do not believe in divorce, and even if I did, I would still have to deal with him about the children. It would be trading one set of problems for another.
I am reluctant to return to my counselor. I feel he was getting frustrated anyway. He thinks I should divorce my husband, and I keep wanting to figure out a way to save my marriage. I have tried some of the suggestion in your books by myself, but I don't have what it takes to keep it up alone anymore. It seems to be a dead end situation. I grew up believing that marriage was a very special relationship between a man and a woman and I looked forward to it, but I don't think I will ever be able to have that experience. Do you have any suggestions?
D.W.
Dear D.W.,
I don't have your husband's side of the story, so my advice is admittedly dependent on the truth of your perspective. But if what you say is true, I would recommend that you go back to see the counselor you were seeing for depression, and then reinstate your plan for a separation.
I think you were on the right track when you were planning to separate before, but now you know that it will take quite a bit of time for your husband to learn to treat you with respect . He has developed some very bad habits, and it will take him maybe a year or longer to overcome them.He has agreed to make changes in the past, but just agreeing to change is only the first step. Many of the changes he will need to make will take a great deal of effort and persistence. His goal should be providing you a home free of angry outbursts, disrespectful judgments and selfish demands.
Until he can guarantee that safe environment for you, you should remain separated. That's because while he is learning new habits, he will make many mistakes. And you cannot afford to be confronted by the predictable mistakes he will make. Wait until he has mastered the lessons of treating you with thoughtfulness and respect before you let him back into the life of you and your girls.Your husband's behavior is probably the most important cause of your depression, and I feel that with him out of the house, you will feel better almost immediately. You may feel guilty at first for making him move away from his girls, but until he learns to be respectful, he's not a good example to them.At first, your husband will be very angry with you, and may even file for divorce. While separated, there is even the risk that he may have an affair. But if your marriage has any hope of surviving, he won't divorce you and he won't have an affair. Instead, he will recognize the role he has played in your depression, and he will begin to take the steps that will make him the husband he should have been all along.
If he begs you not to leave him, and you give him another chance, remember that it will take months, if not years, for him to change his habits. He will need careful and persistent monitoring of his conduct, and you must anticipate his resistance to that, especially after you decide to stay.
That's why I think a separation that may last a year or more is inevitable. Your husband has a lot to learn, and it will take time to learn it.
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