Background:
Wife and I have been married for 11yrs, total of 13yrs as a couple. We have two children, 4yo daughter and 2.5yo son. Our marriage has always had an undercurrent of unhappiness, mostly on her part. We had a separation where she was unhappy and left for about a 9mo period roughly 5yrs ago. She eventually returned and we had our first child shortly after that.

We�re both Engineers and I�ve never been comfortable about how friendly she�s been around her male colleagues. Basically felt she was emotionally cheating on me but could never put a name to it until recently. This in turn made me feel inadequate, fearful of her leaving, and in turn I pulled away emotionally and physically.

Current Situation:
Started to get suspicious of her activity about 4 weeks ago. She had set a password on her cell phone, never had one before and seemed to be �secretly� texting a lot. I was able to hack her phone and found about a dozen txt messages back and forth with another guy. I was in shock and didn�t read them all but saw enough for me to immediately kick her out of the house. She left that night without hesitation, very little remorse, and a simple sorry apology. She left that night and went to stay with a girlfriend.

A week passed with her coming over to see the kids just about every day for a few hours. After that period of time she asked to come back home and I obliged. I let her sleep in our bed and I slept downstairs. Soon after that she decided that she wanted a divorce, she�d move out, and we could have joint custody of the kids. With all the emotion going on at the time I said that I�d still like to save the marriage but agreed to let her move forward with the divorce if that�s what she felt she needed to do.

That was also when I realized the feelings of fear and shame that she had put me through all these years. So it hit me and I verbalized it to her, I said �I�m not afraid of you any more�. Since that day I�ve been acting like a different husband and father. Not out of trying to save the marriage but just realizing that I am a good person and a happy person. Basically learning to be myself again.

Two weeks ago she and some girlfriends spent the night in Chicago. Apparently she told them the whole story of our 11yr marriage, literally exposing herself with no hesitation. Well a few days later word got back around to me that this was not the first time she had cheated on me. I confronted her calmly and asked she tell me the whole truth. Turns out this was the third time with the first one dating back about 8yrs. I was in total shock and so was she, somehow she thought I knew all this already.

So we spent the rest of that evening exposing herself to me, talking it through. We were both very emotional. She was sobbing, extremely apologetic, saying she was a horrible person, and that I deserved better. She feels that she couldn�t be the wife I needed her to be, she doesn�t know what love is, cant love any one, doesnt know who she is, and has blamed me (internally) for her unhappiness in the marriage. Told me that she had exposed herself to all her close friends and parents. She exposed herself to her parents the first night I kicked her out. Called them on the way to her girlfriends house. This was huge because she comes from a fairly strict Christian household. The whole time I never attacked her emotionally or judged her at all. Told her that I still loved her and even knowing all that I wasn�t going to run or let her run and I still wanted to work things out.

Along with the exposure I sent the lastest guy, a co-worker of hers, a message on Facebook calling him out. Guy 1 was a co-worker in Detroit (we live in Indiana now) and is no longer in the picture, Guy 2 was another co-worker and no longer lives in town, Guy 3 is a temporary co-worker and will be moving in January.

Since that day our relationship has actually be amazing: open, honest conversation, doing nice things for one another. I�ve already started to get past the physical aspect of her cheating. We�re both in individual therapy. But she insists on continuing the divorce process and her moving out.

Last night, after reading some stories on this forum I decided to deflate the air mattress that she was sleeping on in the basement and insist she sleep back in our bed, I would sleep on the floor. She asked why and I told her she was still my wife and I was not going to put any more physical separations between us. She insisted on me sleeping in the bed and her on the floor. I told her there was only two options: I sleep in the bed with her, or I sleep on the floor. After a couple minutes she decided to let me into the bed with her.

There�s always been a hidden sexual side of her that only comes out when she been drinking (and she�s admitted that she was the times she�s cheated on me). She�s also been having some bi-sexual/lesbian fantasys lately. So I kept trying to get her to verbalize those feelings and let her know that I was �accepting� of them. Well long story short we ended up having sex last night. She consented to the sex if I agreed to keep moving with the divorce proceedings and she actually agreed to �conjugal visits� after she moves out (probably in the next couple of weeks).

She�s been giving me all kinds of mixed signals since the night I kicked her out four weeks ago: �I don�t know how to love� - �I want to love you�, talking about doing family outings after she moves out, asking to remaining friends after she moves out/post-divorce, maybe we'll remarry later in life, asking me to help her find her new place, actually pulling me in for a hug this morning. Those are just a few of the examples.

But continues to move forward with the divorce and moving out to and getting her own place. She feels like she�s jumping on the grenade that is herself. She doesn�t want to hurt me any more, doesn�t want to hurt anyone else, and wants to figure out who she is on her own.

So��.I still want to save the marriage or if I cant stop the divorce find a way to save our relationship long term (remarry).

I feel like I�m heading down the right path, doing the right things. Would like some advice on what to do moving forward, and criticisms if I�ve done anything wrong so far.


Thanks in advance.

Welcome to MB, and I'm sorry to read about this.

She's still having an affair -with someone, if not either of the two you know about.

Is she? She says no. She works with the 3rd guy, he's in another building but she has no day to day contact with him. So she says.

Now that you say that I think I need to confront her this evening and have her unlock her phone and let me see it again. I say that because I know she's changed her password since the last time I was able to unlock it.

See if she'll let you read it away from her, and put some spyware on it. Ask her for her password before you take it away.

If she hands it over, that means there's nothing on it - but all THAT might mean is that she has deleted stuff.

I'd be surprised if she hands it over - and if she does not, that tells you a lot - but if she does, do the above.

You can't believe anything that a wayward says - especially not one that is still working with the OM.

Especially one that is a multiple cheater.

Especially one that is still pursuing separation/divorce.

With workplace affairs, unless one of them literally leaves the job (you can verify this independently - not through what the WS tells you) then you should just assume the affair is still ON.

Always - no exception.

And with a non-workplace affair, you still cannot assume that there is NC in place unless you are actively snooping.

Which you are not if you don't know what she's doing on her phone.

Sorry for all the bad news - but we can't sugar coat things for BS's who show up here in their own fog.

Only people that are hiding things lock their phones.

Thanks everyone. I will start first with asking for her cell phone. If she does not what is my next course of action? I know I can get a hold of her bosses at work but I do not want to cause issues with her at work. But from all that I've read on here maybe that's what it'll take.

She was seeing someone during that separation. He is probably the reason she left.

She left two tiny children quite happily? It takes a pretty hard woman to do that. She was pursuing her affair.

She wants a divorce in order to pursue a specific affair, or to enjoy the single woman's sex life that she has already tasted.

There were more than three. She's been exploring her sexuality for a long time. Ask the girlfriends directly how many there were.

You need to expose this affair properly. You only have her word that she confessed this to anybody. Have you spoken to her parents about what she told them?

You need to find out about his domestic life and expose him to his spouse and family, and to their employer. What did you hope to achieve by sending him a message on Facebook? Do you think he's scared of you now?

She is insisting on this because she wants to continue her affair, and live the single life.

She is very happy that you have accepted her lifestyle so completely. She is willing to have sex with and maintain a friendly face, since you are so accepting and are cooperating with the friendly divorce.

You need to get yourself STD tested, and you should not go near her, even with a condom, unless you are happy to pick up whatever she might pick up in the future. You are having sex with all her sexual partners, and all their sexual partners. Have you any idea how many people that is?

You're the dream husband for the married woman who wants to have sex with other people! Of course she gives you hugs, and wants to remain friends with you! You're a peach!

Tell her to look at the name and picture on her driving licence. She can find out who she is from the information there.

You're welcome.

Michlove4

You are in such deep denial, i hope you can pull yourself out of it. You actually believe what she says, waywards that are this brazen, repetitive and lengthy can't possibly tell the truth. Have you independently, personally verified anything she has told you?

Terms like gaslight, and cuckhold come to mind immediately.

Wake up and read the thread Exposure 101 and do it.

Are any of these OM married?

Well you guys were completely right. There was a 4th guy from New Orleans that she's been txting for weeks. And the affair with the 3rd hasn't eneded.

I asked for her cell phone and she immediately started deleting messages but did hand it over. I sent txt back to them stating who I was and that things end. The coworker (3rd guy) I told him no contact or I'll get in touch with their HR dept.

She was furious that I took her phone. Like an addict that lost her Crack pipe.


WTF do I do now?!?!?!

She's been angry, denial, wants to walk out the house but doesnt. Agreed things are out of control but her and I are incompatible.

She agreed to start couples counceling.

Have you read this? Exposure 101

You need to get your exposure targets ready.

Is this 4th guy married?

How did she meet this guy?

I read exposure 101 but don't know it by heart. I'll re-read it again

She meant him on a girls trip to New Orleans. No idea if he's married

Did you do as I said and install spyware on the phone?

How will you know if there is further contact?

First, you might want to ask yourself if you want to stay married to a serial adulterer. She has quite a history, that keeps growing. I guarantee you still don't know the full extent, depth and probably more partners.

For Exposure-
You uncover all the intelligence you need, including names, addresses, phone numbers of OM(s), OM(s) wife, parents, Facebook friends, your family, her family clergy, work place HR dept and company executives.
You massively tell everyone on that list that your wife is in an affair and you want to save the marriage. There is a template on what to say. You expose in one fell swoop. You do not tell your wife you are going to do it.
You expose it at the workplace, since this is a workplace affair(s).
Then you brace for the rage and protect yourself.
I guarantee she has not told her parents, her friends or anyone that matters.

You want to get tested for STD's, you might want to consider paternity testing.

Do you see that all the nice behaviours towards you recently were all designed to throw you off the scent of the affairs? The hugs? The sex with you, and the promise of conjugal visits later?

What is the point of couples' counselling, for you?

Don't you see that her agreement to go to this is again designed to make you think that she is trying, when really, she won't be trying at all?

If you have read anything on here, you must be aware of how dangerous our posters have found marital counselling to be. The counsellor will encourage you to "communicate" with each other, which will mean your listening while your wife tells you how unhappy you have made her and why she must fly free. The counsellor will then encourage your wife to do what makes her happy, and encourage you to accept that you cannot keep her in an unhappy marriage. The counsellor will have NO strategy to end the affair, and create romantic love in your marriage. Marital counselling has a greater chance of ENDING your marriage than rebuilding it.