Well I'm in need of advice again. I decided to file for divorce and did so this week. My plans were to tell my H this afternoon but now I'm not so sure. I got the following texts from him this morning. Should I still tell him? I'll be honest this is causing me to feel guilt about and doubt my decision. So hard for me not to take responsibility.

Well I finally passed out from pain driving. I don't even remember what happened yet. I've got to lay down. The car is screwed.
So much for life
That was all I really had
Now I really have nothing
My back and chest are really hurting
My guts are all twisted up and I feel really nauseous.
Nevermind y'all don't care if I'm dead
Well at least you'll be happier FG. I won't be makin sh** anymore. I'm goin to get warrants for my little pistol. My doc appointment was today for my subs
Even counciling
I'm gonna snap
I'm hurting so bad
Never mind I forgot my new family would rather me just frickin die
Merry frickin Christmas

He sounds like he is going through chemical withdrawal from narcotics. It is more likely he passed out because he was high.

I have to disagree. I have seen him pass out from pain before. I believe he is still on the meds, not in withdrawal, was just going to get a refill.

He can still go into withdrawal. Chronic narcotics cause tolerance to develop. He can get high then withdraw if he takes additional doses during the month.

One of the reasons he has not ever taken responsibility is because you have kept him sick by enabling him. He does not have to take responsibility because you have done that for him. At his expense.

I see a lot of very typical self pity from an addict. Why wouldn't he be exploring options like surgery or any of the numerous solutions to his problem? Because he doesn't have to. He has stayed home and got high for years which has just about ruined him.

I would let him know today that you have filed for divorce and will be moving on. Tell him you hope he will take this opportunity to change his life by availing himself of the NUMEROUS medical solutions for back problems so that he can take responsibility for his own life.

If he plays the suicide card, then you should call 911 and get him taken to the hospital for evaluation. He will never take responsibility for his own life as long as you stop enable him.

STOP ENABLING HIM, my friend!!

Is he in enough pain to schedule proper appointments looking at treatment variety and alternatives? (I don't mean you to suggest this, I mean does he care enough to do it for himself).

If he's not, then boo hoo. His language and attitude are vile enough to warrant your closing down all comms until he gets off his tush and does something, anything on your big boy task list. Otherwise your lovebank will die a stupendous death - and your mind must be numb from boredom with him. He's not a baby and listening to him must make you feel he is never going to be attractive.

You could throw a rock in the street and hit a better catch.

Completely disgusting.

You know this is actually more excusable if he is an addict. If he speaks to people like this purely because of pain, there's no cure for that attitude. It would mean he is not a curable addict but quite simply a hopeless jerk who enjoys being mean.

He's not going to die. You nearly did. Not him.

I told him this afternoon. He didn't react as bad as I thought. He cried and was devastated. Basically told me how he couldn't believe I'm doing this and how awful I was. The guilt and doubt are really getting me. I don't think he will agree out of court either. He's going to fight because he claims he can't live on his disability check ($1570) and he'll need some support.

And now he's asking if there was someone else and I cheated in him (no). And this is the latest text...

Huh, well good luck. I don't think we can be friends anytime soon. Especially how you've handled me our whole marriage. And with me trying to please y'all so much I'm bitter you haven't returned the kindness. The kids no, but you yes. Because that's how it's supposed to work, biblically. Then again if you cared what the bible said we wouldn't be having this conversation.

Lol, he wants to bring up the Bible after he tried to murder you!?!

He is manipulating HARD!

He is such a jerk (and this is me self editing because there are MUCH stronger words Im thinking!). He doesn't get to bring up the Bible after how he's treated you. Don't allow him to make you feel guilty. His situation is of his OWN doing.

PS God even is ok with divorce after infidelity or abuse, so his little temper tantrum is a sieve under running water, it means nothing.

Also editing to say- if he was so devastated, he would do EVERYTHING he could to try to make it better and abide by what you need.

^^^^ Exactly..Anyone who wants to save their marriage wouldn't let wild horses stop them from doing what they need to do.

Good job, Flowergirl!! I know this was so difficult for you but it is the best thing for every one of you. You have done everything in your power to make this work.

Sometimes I wonder if I really did try everything. I know if he had a family member to move in with things would have been much easier. I do appreciate he let us come back in the home after a few weeks. That was the best thing for the kids. The struggle with money and him finding a place to live really didn't help anything. It's unfortunate. I wish things could have been different, that my feelings could have changed, but his behavior only pushed me further away.

I know the next few months will be difficult and hope that I can still come here for advice and support.

Absolutely, you can stay here forever if you want. The ball is truly in his court. It will be up to him to make changes or not. So far he has not made that choice. But that is not your fault.

You won't feel much guilt and doubt once you get his poison out of your ear.

You'll look back and wonder why on earth you bothered.

Friends! Like Hitler was a friend to the Jews.....

He has persecuted you purely for the power and right to get high.

If anything you tried too much. He must learn how to be a grown up and try to help himself. Leaving him be is the kindest move for this spoiled child. Unfortunately I don't think he has it in him to make the most of that opportunity.

I'd love to be wrong.

You deserve a man who is horrified by this and whose every move is to help you.

Letting you live at home doesn't cut it!

You did everything and he did nothing. Here is what he said when you gave him a chance:


He had every opportunity to turn this around and rejected it. You can't force him to change.

I've come back for some advice. I've talked offline to one member but here's an update. Since filing for divorce things got worse. He didn't think he could live. Tried to commit suicide by ODing twice. He had a felony warrant for possession of a controlled substance and then got arrested with the same charge in another county. He's in jail now. I didn't bail him out. He has a court date 3/21. Still waiting on a court date for the divorce. Should this thread be moved now?

Anyhow the advice is about my kids. So many years of dysfunction have me feeling pretty inept sometimes with my decisions for them. For the most part we are doing well. Kids are getting to school on their own after I leave for work. No more permission to stay home just because from dad. I'm proud of the boys. Heck I leave before them and they could just not go but they don't EVER stay home unless they call and get permission. Usually a no too. They've started doing chores (with constant reminders). They are keeping As and Bs. They get to have a life now and not feel like their home is a prison.

But here's the trouble. They've learned a lot of angry reactions. Slamming doors, pushing, yelling, that kind of thing. I deal with the issues as they pop up. Usually we discuss it rather well. If I have questions I'll ask my counselor. Not too much issue there. But they harbor angry feelings about their dad. They clam up and don't want to talk about him. They say leave me alone or he's a bad man. I know they're boys but I hate them bottling it all up. And sometimes I think this is just how they think they should feel but that they really do care. I know this site is about marriage but any advice on this? Should I push them to talk? Counseling? Just find a good youth group? Of course my counselor suggests counseling if I can't get them to talk to me. Really at a loss.

FG, there are several issues here, and the first and most glaring is their behavioral problems. Does your counselor have any suggestions for a good male counselor who will help them with their BEHAVIOR? Another good resource for shaping male behavior is sports. Do they have any interest in that? What about boy organizations? Boy Scouts, etc?


That is how males deal with problems. It would make the problem worse if they went to counseling and talked about the tragedies of the past. They would just be MORE ANGRY. What they need is help with their bad behavior.

There are studies that show that people who go to counseling and talk about the tragedies of the past actually do much worse than those who don't. This is one reason why Dr Harley never counseled married couples together: when they sat in a room and discussed past grievances, they left ANGRY. It is an odd belief in our counseling culture that talk therapy helps people overcome their problems. Actually it doesn't.

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