No, you should do all the exposures on your own without forewarning him. He doesn't do the exposures, YOU DO. The check list applies to you too and that is one thing you must do. NOT HIM.

That is the affair proofing part of recovery.

The next step is marital recovery. He needs to commit 100% to giving you just compensation and recoering the marriage. So far, he is sitting around doing nothing, but you can show him this program.

Your exposures need to be done NOW so you can move onto next steps.

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ok, thanks, i will DO IT. you are right , he is just sitting around thinking it was no big deal and it will all go away and he will let me know when he is ready to start marriage building rather than marriage wrecking...

Good girl!! Get that part done and we will help you with next steps.

Okay...i will. thanks for your guidance..i am strong and will do it.

Just feels like more secrets to me unless i PRY out the information. He is telling his side of the story..JUSTIFYING? He is at counseling session #2 right now. Will see how his attitude is after hearing I told the OW's H today...

There is a financial component here. I quit working 15 years ago and am financially dependent on him. Splitting things will really FU our lives so perhaps that is a big part of my willingness to let things go. I know a lot of older couples who just live separate lives and i am not interested in finding another man so an option is just to emotionally detach and carry on with proper boundaries.

There is a financial component here. I quit working 15 years ago and am financially dependent on him. Splitting things will really FU our lives so perhaps that is a big part of my willingness to let things go.

Ok, thank you...i am proceeding very cautiously and am not a lost cause yet. My WH came back from counselling and we went out for dinner. Rather than pry out any info from him i waited til he told me something about the session. He said NOTHING. .i went to bed exhausted from the day...it took a lot out of me to expose him to the OW'sH yesterday and I had a huge headache.

I value everything you are telling me. I am reading and i am realizing clearly now that he has inappropriate boundaries with his daughter as well. She is hard on me and i have never felt supported by him and i now see that he must be sharing marital problems with her too about us. She was 17 when we met, now 34 , married w two kids. Just a day after D day she and he made plans for her to come here for a week holiday...they would have arrived today. When he told me after the fact that she had booked the flights which we paid for, i said No way...so the trip was cancelled. I need to give my head a shake..he does not get it.

He now tells me he is in a severe depression worse than ever in his life...he is 71. I guess he is in w.drawal based on the stages..so i am trying to be easy on him.......his 42 yr old son blames all his problems on his dad...he is unfaithful to his wife and spends time at strip clubs...his other daughter used to have anorexia...so his kids are all messed up......

I feel we are not moving forward in any way...so, if i expose this affair to his kids what do you see would be the benefit of it? I don,t have kids by the way....and his kids are from two different marriages. Don,t leave me just yet. I am trying hard here...

There is a financial component here. I quit working 15 years ago and am financially dependent on him. Splitting things will really FU our lives so perhaps that is a big part of my willingness to let things go. I know a lot of older couples who just live separate lives and i am not interested in finding another man so an option is just to emotionally detach and carry on with proper boundaries.

So, that last bit was me being completely honest with you....i would appreciate your thoughts on the financial bit....when my first husband had an affair i was working and all he saw was my dust..i did not stick around . 40 years later i am in the same situation but not as independent.

Thx...and please i need your comments..don,t write me off just yet.

One thing I would say is to see a lawyer. You don't have to take marriage saving advice if you don't want it, but you should get legal advice now, ahead of any divorce.

I have just finished reading NOT Just Friends by Shirley Glass and she does NOT promote telling the adult kids.

"The reason for the wide exposure is not to hurt the unfaithful spouse, but rather to end the fantasy. Your husband's secret second life made his affair possible, and the more you can to to make it public, the easier it is for him to see the damage he's doing. Keeping it secret does damage, but few know about it. Making it public helps everyone, including the unfaithful spouse and lover, see the affair for what it really is."

My position on many aspects of marital therapy has been admittedly controversial when first expressed. His Needs, Her Needs was ripped by many therapists in 1986 when it was first published because they didn't believe that men and women's emotional needs were different. Today, there are very few that believe that anymore.

My position on conflict management (Policy of Joint Agreement) was also roundly criticized by some feminists as giving away women's right to independence. Of course, most of these critics were not in favor of marriage in the first place. But today, the idea of finding mutually adventageous solutions to problems in marriage is main-stream.

And, my position on radical honesty and transparency in marriage, which was definitely not in the tool box of most counselors when I first brought it up, is now becoming much more accepted by therapists working in the trenches.

At first, whenever I came up with a new idea, I'd try it out on the couples I counseled. My goal was always to "do no harm" in my effort to help. I was very concerned about unintended consequences. But as I created methods that were logical outcomes of my basic theory, I found that these methods worked amazingly well every time they were implemented. That's why I can speak with such confidence today. I've personally witnessed thousands of successful outcomes when couples learn to meet each other's emotional needs, learn to make decisions with mutual enthusiastic agreement, and learn to be radically honest with each other.

The same can be said about telling children about an affair. My experience with the positive outcomes of hundreds of families where an affair has been exposed to children has led me to encourage a betrayed spouse not to fear such exposure. In fact, to mislead children, giving other false explanations as to why their parents are not getting along, causes children to be very confused. When they finally discover the truth, it sets an example to children that dishonesty is sometimes acceptable, making them the judge of when that might occur.

An affair is an attack on children as well as the betrayed spouse. And it's true that children are deeply affected by this form of irresponsible behavior. But it's the act of infidelity that causes children to suffer, not the exposure of it. Facts point us toward solutions. Illusion leads us astray. That's true for children as well as adults.

Best wishes,
Dr. Harley

Q: So, you do suggest telling our 10 year old son? Is this more than he can handle? He never saw any real unhappiness as my husband and I had a very low conflict marriage. I have been protecting our son from this truth. He still has hope that his dad is going to come home.
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A: As for your son, the truth will come out eventually, even if you get back together again. And your son won't be emotionally crippled if he hears the truth. It's lies and deception that cripple children. He should know that your husband is choosing his lover over his son's mother. It's a fact. He's willing to ruin a family unit all for what.

When I first started recommending openness about an affair, I wasn't sure what would happen. But I did it because I knew it was the right thing to do. Now I know that for most couples it marks the beginning of recovery.

The reason that children should know about an affair is that exposing it to the light of day (letting everyone know), helps give the unfaithful spouse a dose of reality. An affair thrives on illusion, and whatever a betrayed spouse can do to eliminate the illusion is justifiable. Mold doesn't grow well in sunlight.

Q. How honest should I be about the A? (they are 7 and under)

A. Tell your children as much as you can about their father's affair, and how it affects you. There are some counselors and lawyers that strongly disagree with me on this issue, but I have maintained that position for over 35 years without any evidence that children are hurt by it. They're hurt by the affair, not by accurate information regarding the affair. Just make sure that you don't combine accurate information with disrespectful judgments. For example, you can say that the OW has taken their father away from you, but you should not say that she is home-wrecker (or worse).

My basic approach to life is that radical honesty is valuable on many different dimensions. It keeps us out of trouble, it helps others understand us, and it helps others avoid the same mistakes we have made. Letting your children know the details of your husband's affair would help them in all three areas.

The more your children know about your husband's affair, the more careful he will be to avoid them in the future.

The more your children know about his affair, the more they will understand what you are going through in your recovery (by the way, you are doing very well -- keep up the good work!).

Being radically honest about your husband's affair with your children would also help them avoid affairs themselves. How it happened and how could it have been prevented is a great object lesson for children. I learned that I was vulnerable for an affair when I learned about my grandfather's affairs. The extraordinary precautions I've taken were directly related to what I learned about him.

It's the approach I've always taken, and while it's difficult, especially for the WS, there's much more upside to it than downside.

I have just finished reading NOT Just Friends by Shirley Glass and she does NOT promote telling the adult kids. I have outed my WH to the OWH and my WH spoke with the OWH today as well. The OWH is shocked and understands this is a red flag for their marriage.
I am glad I did not out to my WH's adult kids. The affair is NOT secret to me or to the OWH. I appreciate all your help with this, however, I don't feel one size fits all. Many respected therapists do not condone outing to a lot of people.

So, I guess I will see what happens. Again, Thanks..I got a lot of strength from your comments.

So, I guess I will see what happens. Again, Thanks..I got a lot of strength from your comments.

He now tells me he is in a severe depression worse than ever in his life...he is 71. I guess he is in w.drawal based on the stages..so i am trying to be easy on him.......his 42 yr old son blames all his problems on his dad...he is unfaithful to his wife and spends time at strip clubs...his other daughter used to have anorexia...so his kids are all messed up......
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What is going to happen is that you are going to end up getting divorced.

At the very beginning of this thread, I asked you what you wanted to do. Recovering from an affair is extremely difficult. It requires doing lots of things that are counterintuitive. It requires laying your own misguided opinions aside along with those of self-proclaimed " experts", and following this successful and proven plan to the letter. You are now doing the worst thing, which is putting yourself through the grief of going halfway, and subsequently failing to build a romantic and affair-proof marriage. You would have been better off to just call it quits from the beginning.