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mrEureka #2873450 12/28/15 02:15 PM
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Hi WC,

I look at your situation a bit differently than many others here. You are young, have no children, and it looks as if you are on a decent career path. My advice (after recovering my marriage from my wife's LT affair) is to cut ties and move on with your life. Give her a quick divorce on the condition she buys you out of your mortgage and takes on ALL marital debt (credit cards, vehicle loans, your school debt)

I know people will say that is unfair, but is her affair fair to you? Believe me, when you are 40 and looking back on your relationship, you will say "Why didn't I take the out when I had the chance?" You will constantly be wondering if she is cheating again. You will be suspicious every time she goes on a business trip or gets a text late at night. It's not worth it.

As I said, my wife had a long term affair and we got through it. There was never an apology or anything. I was made to believe that I was the reason for the affair. I wasn't, but it took me years to realize it. I fought for our children, not her. Don't get me wrong, we get along great now, I just don't trust her and I won't ever trust her again. My plan is to leave once my youngest goes off to college. No drama, I'm just taking half and walking away.




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Originally Posted by throughtheglass
You will constantly be wondering if she is cheating again. You will be suspicious every time she goes on a business trip or gets a text late at night.

How can you be a member of this board for nine years and not know that Marriage Builders says to not take overnight trips away from each other?

It's up to you, WC - if you want to follow the MB plan and try to recover your marriage, this sort of thing won't be an issue.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
markos #2873457 12/28/15 02:40 PM
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Originally Posted by throughtheglass
Hi WC,

I look at your situation a bit differently than many others here. You are young, have no children, and it looks as if you are on a decent career path. My advice (after recovering my marriage from my wife's LT affair) is to cut ties and move on with your life. Give her a quick divorce on the condition she buys you out of your mortgage and takes on ALL marital debt (credit cards, vehicle loans, your school debt)

I know people will say that is unfair, but is her affair fair to you? Believe me, when you are 40 and looking back on your relationship, you will say "Why didn't I take the out when I had the chance?" You will constantly be wondering if she is cheating again. You will be suspicious every time she goes on a business trip or gets a text late at night. It's not worth it.

As I said, my wife had a long term affair and we got through it. There was never an apology or anything. I was made to believe that I was the reason for the affair. I wasn't, but it took me years to realize it. I fought for our children, not her. Don't get me wrong, we get along great now, I just don't trust her and I won't ever trust her again. My plan is to leave once my youngest goes off to college. No drama, I'm just taking half and walking away.

Wow. Ummm. Thanks for the post but this is simply not an option.

I am appreciative of the fact you are trying to save me some pain.

Are you married now and just a ticking time bomb ready to leave her as soon as your youngest goes to college? That does not sound too healthy.

Originally Posted by markos
How can you be a member of this board for nine years and not know that Marriage Builders says to not take overnight trips away from each other?

It's up to you, WC - if you want to follow the MB plan and try to recover your marriage, this sort of thing won't be an issue.

Markos, I am willingly to follow MB concepts and like I mentioned earlier, HPB and SMB have offered to help me construct conditions and EPs based on MB concepts. However, I understand this is going to be tough work. I have read enough literature to know that overnight trips away from each other are a no-no. Complete transparency with phone bills, texts, etc. eliminates the trust issue with "texts late at night."



If anyone else decides to read this story for the first time, please note the several instances where I have mentioned that I am 100% against the divorce until it is proven that she cannot uphold the conditions and EPs we establish to affair-proof the marriage. IF we even get to that point



Last edited by WrestlerChemist; 12/28/15 02:42 PM.
markos #2873466 12/28/15 03:02 PM
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***EDIT***

Last edited by Toujours; 12/28/15 03:08 PM. Reason: TOS - Non MB advice
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Quote
Complete transparency with phone bills, texts, etc. eliminates the trust issue with "texts late at night."
Yep. MB is not about blind trust.


Markos' Wife
FWW - EA
8 kids ...
What to do with an Angry Husband

Prisca #2873470 12/28/15 03:12 PM
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The purpose of this board is to learn Marriage Builders principles. Please familiarize yourself with Marriage Builders principles before posting, or refrain from posting. Thank you.


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*Deleted*

I just deleted the response to the post that the moderator took off.

Throughtheglass, I appreciate your responses, but they are discouraging and not the road I would like to pursue.



Last edited by WrestlerChemist; 12/28/15 03:15 PM.
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Hi WC, I apologize for coming off as discouraging. **EDIT**

I wish you the best in your journey, wherever it takes you. **EDIT**

TTG


Last edited by MBSync; 12/28/15 06:30 PM. Reason: TOS: non-MB advice
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Trying to get this thread back on track a little bit for continuity.
Originally Posted by WrestlerChemist
While its hard to talk about recovery when I am potentially so far from it - I am in virtually constant contact with HerPapaBear and I am confident that I will at least be able to create a list of conditions and EPs for her - whether we can actually do them, especially her, is another story completely. I am appreciate of the encouragement from OlderWiser, and I recognize what MB advises for recovery mrEureka.

Trying to get this week started off nicely. Refilling my AA and AD prescriptions later. Per doctor's advise (who said I may have developed acute insomnia, which is not uncommon for this kind of life events) I bought some sleep aid pills.

My brother did confirm that she is not working remotely, that she is actually there in SC already - possibly missed Christmas with her family. It will be interesting to see how this pans out, but nothing is going to happen this week. In fact, it being New Years is probably a bad thing. She always wanted to go places for New Years Eve, but we never did (mostly because when it actually came time to go places, we both just fell asleep haha). But I would not be surprised if she and OM went to like Madison Square Garden or something crazy. Soon I think the finances are going to catch up with her, but who knows.

Had lunch with a couple friends this weekend that encouraged me with: "WC, there are multiple ways that this ends and you are happy. There is only one way that this ends and she is happy."

I am having my family over for dinner tonight, I might discuss buying (or borrowing) a vehicle from them. Just in case she tries to start a motion as to why I am not paying any payments on the car.

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What am I going to do about our taxes? I know its a little early to think about that, but its on my mind here at the end of the year.

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My experience with taxes is get to your accountant first!!!! Get an appt for the end of Jan or as soon as you get all your info. Get a real accountant, not some TV advertised junk. I found a new accountant when i got divorced and it was only $165.

You make the decision what you are going to do, as you have to protect yourself. (you are still married, so evaluate filing seperate or joint) If you file separate then make sure you take all the credits/deductions not her. And refund check goes to you in a separate account.
The IRS doesn't care what your situation is.
A wayward doesn't care either, they will take everything or worse ignore their responsibility.


NebDane #2873535 12/29/15 09:47 AM
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Originally Posted by NebDane
My experience with taxes is get to your accountant first!!!! Get an appt for the end of Jan or as soon as you get all your info. Get a real accountant, not some TV advertised junk. I found a new accountant when i got divorced and it was only $165.

You make the decision what you are going to do, as you have to protect yourself. (you are still married, so evaluate filing seperate or joint) If you file separate then make sure you take all the credits/deductions not her. And refund check goes to you in a separate account.
The IRS doesn't care what your situation is.
A wayward doesn't care either, they will take everything or worse ignore their responsibility.

OK I will explore this avenue soon (probably next week). We have always used an accountant. I will probably go to the same one and explain my situation now. My guess is that she has not given one thought to the subject, but who knows.

NebDane #2873536 12/29/15 09:48 AM
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You'll probably get a bigger refund filing together, but what are you supposed to do if you can't contact your wife? In my case, my ex's lawyer insisted that we file separately, so I obliged and made sure as NebDane suggests above to get mine filed first.


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Thanks MB!
nmwb77 #2873538 12/29/15 10:00 AM
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Originally Posted by nmwb77
You'll probably get a bigger refund filing together, but what are you supposed to do if you can't contact your wife? In my case, my ex's lawyer insisted that we file separately, so I obliged and made sure as NebDane suggests above to get mine filed first.

Well, maybe by some off chance her W2 mails to our address. I doubt it though since things of this nature nowadays are done electronically.

I am betting that she may send me an email at a later date like "Email me your W2 so I can do our taxes." How great would it be to say, "Oh, I already did mine dear - feel free to complete your own."

Also, I noticed I cannot renew the tags on my (her) car without her SSN. So I guess its a good thing I talked to my parents about borrowing their car. Also, that will clear up any argument she has as to why I am not paying for that car: I could just say, "She never renewed the tags."


Last edited by WrestlerChemist; 12/29/15 10:00 AM.
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Another thing to be very wary of with waywards, is running up unauthorized debt or obligations in your name.
They know all your personal info including SSN, it is really easy to secure a credit card in your name with that info.

Get a credit check done every month, waywards are crazy, especially with money.

NebDane #2873542 12/29/15 12:20 PM
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Using a CPA in your situation would be wise. You pay a little more upfront but avoid the grief that might come out of sloppy filing.


Me-BH, 47
Spouse-WW, 47
Married for 18 years
DS, 11
D-Day #1 - November 1998 (7 months after wedding)
False Recovery, 16 years
D-Day #2 - November 2015
WW filed for D - February 2016
NebDane #2873543 12/29/15 12:42 PM
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Originally Posted by NebDane
Another thing to be very wary of with waywards, is running up unauthorized debt or obligations in your name.
They know all your personal info including SSN, it is really easy to secure a credit card in your name with that info.

Get a credit check done every month, waywards are crazy, especially with money.

This is really good insight here. She may try something like this because I have stopped making payments on the mortgage, the car and the car insurance ever since she took the savings account. Hopefully she starts asking OM for some extra money to pay some of my bills, might aid the destruction of the affair.

I am going to park the car out front locked, I'll keep the keys inside with me.

One day at a time...


NebDane #2873544 12/29/15 12:45 PM
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Originally Posted by NebDane
Another thing to be very wary of with waywards, is running up unauthorized debt or obligations in your name.
They know all your personal info including SSN, it is really easy to secure a credit card in your name with that info.

Get a credit check done every month, waywards are crazy, especially with money.


Freeze your credit with all three credit reporting agencies. Do it today. It costs nothing and she cannot get any joint debt without access to your credit report.

Better still, businesses pull credit reports when they have no business doing that so it is a great way to find out who is doing unauthorized credit checks on you. I caught my homeowner's insurance doing that recently!


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On another note guys (&gals) - I am registered for a Half Marathon in April. I posted it to FB in case she sees it or someone relays it to her.

Now I got to train for it! It is my first distance race ever.

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I have Lifelock. When I make a large purchase, I get a phone call from them within the hour, asking whether the transaction is valid. They are really on top of it!

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