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#2873994 01/08/16 05:51 PM
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!!! So I have a big relationship issue. I'm in a 13 year age difference relationship I'm 19 years old and currently going to school. We've had so many issues. I live in my cousins house with her husband and their daughter. My mom also lives here. N my father got here in September from our country the first time we're all living together as a family since I was 7. I've brought him to the house to meet everyone before my dad got here. We have been together for about 8 months. Everything was going great. But my mom is very strict and I had a curfew. Then I slept over one day with her permission. And that got my cousin. The owner of the house mad. She said she didn't really feel comfortable. But I thought she was saying it because of my mom.and I said no I won't do it again. She didn't really emphasize. And then she got mad. Because I slept over again because my mom said ok to me. Ti sleep the weekend. But in the morning my mom changed her mind and said no. And she told my cousin. And my cousin told me not to. I'm too young , my mom is mad , i don't make my decisions. She's never done that. I have to respect my mom. So I came back home. She said it was ok to come home at 5 in the morning or 3 but not sleepover. So I stopped sleeping over. My boyfriend also decided to not come to the house anymore because my mom threatened him. Saying he's going to deal with consequences and such. So now my family started really not liking him. But I didn't tell them why. So then I stopped sleeping over. But we would always try to have a reunion with them. N they would say no now is not the time. Then he met my dad. It was a bit late. We were all supposed to go out. But a lot of stuff happened so it was just me n my bf. When he met my dad. My dad didn't look at him or talk to him. At all. He tried talking. And nothing before all this drama. We planned to move in together when I would finish school in beginning of December. My family thinks he's with me because I'm naive and too trusting I'm very gullible. N he's using me. N just because he says two or three nice things to me. N buys me stuff. That he's eating my mind with that. They don't believe he loves me. That if he really loved me he wouldn't have allowed me to disrespect the house. N he would've done everything to make things better with the family. But my family can be difficult n my mother was acting fake. N he didn't want to be around that. Also me and him argue a lot because of the family situation. And I have anxiety issues. So I go a little craxy. N they think he's controlling me. One day I was talking to him arguing him saying my mom won't let me. Please don't. It was an argument I forgot what about n my cousin heard. N she said I needed to leave him because he's controlling me. But he's not. They also said I've changed ever since I got with him I chose Him over the family. They said I hardly have had life experience because I got into an accident. N I had to be home schools for two years. It's true I did change I became very focused on him. I wouldn't spend any time with them really. And hardly anytime with my dad. Then I got mad because I felt I had to prove a point that I want to be happy and stuff. So I decided to sleepover again. N when I came to the house. My cousin went outside to talk to my boyfriend. N it wasn't a pleasebt talk. She told him not to come near the house. She told him that I wasn't smart enough to make decisions. And that if I was moving out. They would disown me. That he using me etc... Then she came inside the house. N told me she wanted to beat my [censored] for being selfish. For bringing problems into her house after she told me not to sleepover again. For not being respectful for being disgusting n acting like a whore. For not respecting that my dad got here. N my dad was going to go to the police. To put him in jail. N that my mom was suffering. Because she doesn't approve. That they deserve better. She said she didn't think I was so stupid and such a [censored] idiot. For ruining my life with someone that's using me that's 13 years older. I felt very bad. They said they were going to force me to breakup with him. So I didn't see him for like 3 weeks he lives in New Jersey I live in in New York. N there were fininacial issues. That's why we didn't see each other. We didn't spend thanksgiving because I had to spend it with my dad. His first thanksgiving here. N we didn't have the money to do two trips and I was going to over and come back late in the am but my mom said no because we weren't at our house. We were at my cousin the owner of the house mother in law house. . Then me n him had our issues with my school because it turned out I had to graduate later. And I'm scared to move in. So we saw each other for Christmas. N he proposed on that day. It was the most beautiful day ever. N we announced it on the game. Where we met. My cousin ( the owner of the house ) her husband plays the game too and he saw it on there and told her. I didn't think it was going to bring these big problems. So when I got home in the night. My bad was very tired to drive back n was falling asleep behind the wheel so I had to keep him up on the phone. She called me asking me where I was n I told her home. N she came to my room n screamed at me for being a stupid idiot. N to not do the engagement the proper way with the family. But my boyfriend didn't do it like that. Because they were not going to approve. She said it was stupid of me. Why I couldn't wait for things to calm down. I said we were getting married in like two years. Then we got into n argument because I told her he's falling asleep behind the wheel n I have to keep him up. And she took the phone away n I couldn't call him back. N she Said I was a [censored] idiot and very naive n selfish. She said we don't approve of him we don't agree. You have to move out. We will disown you. You will never be allowed here. Engaged. You have to move out. I can't watch you ruin your life. So then my bf got mad at me because I didn't fight for the phone enough because he almost killed someone. And then we cut off the engagement. Then 2 days later my family had a reunion with me calling me a liar because two times I said I would leave I'll think about it n that I wasn't going to sleepover. N because I needed to cut off contact with him because he's using me n that they would disown me n never talk to me. That they wouldn't let me out the house. That I had to block him. That I was a slut n stupid. That they would get me at his house. N call the police. Put him in jail. Have a big fight. They called my mom stupid for allowing this they called me selfish because I was only thinking about my happiness n not everyone else. Because I was being disrespectful. So I blocked him n wrote him n email. Because I was so weak n I was scared of the violence. But then I couldn't stop talking to him. So we ended up talking. N he says that we always had the plan to move out. That I need to get out of here that if they loved me they wouldn't hurt me like this. N threatened to hurt me n break my phone. I would pay my phone n my bills. That we can't be happy. If I live here. That I have to move ASAP. But I'm scared because I didn't want to leave with all these problems. I'm emotionally broken. I way to move out n be with him. But I have to be done with school. Unfortunately if I move out I won't be working as an esthetician. For awhile because I have to get my New Jersey license. And that's a process. And I'm not even done with the whole New York license process. But I'll sacrifice that. Also moving out helps us financially. Because he has a lot of debt and for him to come visit me is a lot of money he has to spend. N we will both get out of debt faster. N we won't have to deal with my family. But I'm scared because I never moved out. And I know my mom will be very sad. N my dad will go back to our country. N my family will disown me. N I wanted to at least fix things. But things have gotten so ugly. Idk when it will be fixed. I'm torn. Because it's like I have to choose between my family n him. N they say I'm stupid for choosing someone who I've only known for like a year over them. That I should never choose a man between my family. N that I will ruin my life with someone so much older than me. But I'm ready to settle. I don't want to go out n party. I've had too many bad dating experiences. I'm comfortable being in a serious relationship. My mom n dad don't drive. N they live here so it would be hard to see each other. Idk what to do. I need help please. I'm torn. Because if I leave my mom would be depressed. My dad would leave unless she goes with him. My family here will hate me. I just don't know what to do.i love him with all my heart. But he's giving me two weeks until I finish school. Because he's been through so much with my family. And he's been waiting for awhile. I told him before it was easy. Things were great we had enough time to get things more ready. My family liked you. Now things are horrible. I love him n I know if I move in I will sacrifice these things. He said I don't love him like I do. Because his ex sacrificed so much money her parents had in her trust fund. And they said they wouldn't talk to her again. She was married before him. But she lived with her husband in one of her moms house. N she was there everyday. And she sacrificed. A lot of money. And that I don't love him. Because she had way more to sacrifice and she moved in with him. N I don't have as much to sacrifice. So my love is not as strong. My thing is I love my mom very much and I don't want my dad to leave. I guess I'm to worried about what my family is going to think now I'm in the middle I want to move in. But idk if now is the right time. Like in two weeks. Idk because I doubt they will accept him. I'm all over the place. Advise please thank you so much I do want to move in I love him. But I've made mistakes and I was selfish. If I don't move in I won't be able to see him. His ex she moved in because she wanted to as well. He was just comparing how she sacrificed more. Her parents and the money they had for her. N house and stuff. She's about his age. N they broke up last year. I love him. But I guess it's just my family threatening me tooAlso. We had this plans for awhile. The reason he is sad. It's because I've never really sacrificed. And he has sacrificed so much. With his job and debt. Friends do much. And I haven't really done the same. He thinks I don't care for the relationship for choosing my family feelings first. I haven't been the greatest girlfriend. And he's not a bad guy. He's a great boyfriend. But it's hard. I know I haven't made the best decisions. And this is the time to sacrifice. Because if I don't move in. We won't be able to see each other really. And traveling to see me is expensive n he needs to pay of his debt. He's been here for me. Helping me out with school and motivation. I love him. But this decision is hard. He says its me not having faith in God. That I'm not decided about moving in. He says things will work out with my family. They'll get over it. But idk 😔

Flower14 #2873997 01/08/16 07:36 PM
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Welcome to MB.

I have tried to read this through and take in all the details, but you have written too much for me to make sense of it all. However, I did gather enough to see that this man is not right for you, and you should never see him again. Your family is trying to warn you about him, and you should listen to them.

You shouldn't live together with him - but you shouldn't marry him, either.

He thinks that you are not as loving as his ex wife because she gave up a trust fund for him, and you won't give up your family and move in with him? What sort of love for you is that? I have never heard such tortured logic in all my born days!

He does not have the maturity of a man 13 years older than you. He is dangerous and irrational, and you need to stay far, far away from him. I'm not sure that New York is far enough away from New Jersey. See if you can get him to emigrate.


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
Flower14 #2873998 01/08/16 08:32 PM
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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted By: SugarCane
...this man is not right for you, and you should never see him again. Your family is trying to warn you about him, and you should listen to them.

You shouldn't live together with him - but you shouldn't marry him, either.

He thinks that you are not as loving as his ex wife because she gave up a trust fund for him, and you won't give up your family and move in with him? What sort of love for you is that? I have never heard such tortured logic in all my born days!

He does not have the maturity of a man 13 years older than you. He is dangerous and irrational, and you need to stay far, far away from him.


x 2


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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What they said... Not to say your family is right but...your family is right. You and he are not in the same places in your life. You are not on the same level. If you marry this man, heck-if you move in with him, its not going to be a good situation for you.


BW-27
FWH-31
DS-6
Married several years
D-Day- 11/22/13
Plan A+Exposure
NC+Beginning of Recovery-04/2014

In Recovery and happier and more in love than ever
Flower14 #2874068 01/10/16 08:53 PM
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Originally Posted By: Flower14
I haven't been the greatest girlfriend. And he's not a bad guy. He's a great boyfriend. But it's hard. I know I haven't made the best decisions. And this is the time to sacrifice. Because if I don't move in. We won't be able to see each other really. And traveling to see me is expensive n he needs to pay of his debt. He's been here for me. Helping me out with school and motivation. I love him. But this decision is hard. He says its me not having faith in God. That I'm not decided about moving in. He says things will work out with my family. They'll get over it. But idk 😔


This is horrific brainwashing that he is putting you through. You're thinking of leaving your family for a man who admittedly has lots of debt and basically wants to use the money you'll make as an esthetician to pay down his debt and his bills. This is a HUGE red flag. You deserve better. You need to block this man in every fashion possible and never speak to him again.


BW-27
FWH-31
DS-6
Married several years
D-Day- 11/22/13
Plan A+Exposure
NC+Beginning of Recovery-04/2014

In Recovery and happier and more in love than ever
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,319
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Originally Posted By: Woundednotbroken
Originally Posted By: Flower14
I haven't been the greatest girlfriend. And he's not a bad guy. He's a great boyfriend. But it's hard. I know I haven't made the best decisions. And this is the time to sacrifice. Because if I don't move in. We won't be able to see each other really. And traveling to see me is expensive n he needs to pay of his debt. He's been here for me. Helping me out with school and motivation. I love him. But this decision is hard. He says its me not having faith in God. That I'm not decided about moving in. He says things will work out with my family. They'll get over it. But idk 😔


This is horrific brainwashing that he is putting you through. You're thinking of leaving your family for a man who admittedly has lots of debt and basically wants to use the money you'll make as an esthetician to pay down his debt and his bills. This is a HUGE red flag. You deserve better. You need to block this man in every fashion possible and never speak to him again.

And has a proven track record of using his XGF's money.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.




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