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Originally Posted by PoppyNJ
Nick,

How about answering Sugar's questions and then people will ask for more details as they need them? You have some expert people ready to help you.

1. Is she having an affair? Will she agree to end it? If she says it is over, do you suspect it is still going on? Why?

2. How does she hook up with the guy?

3. Who is he?

4. Have you confronted him?

I answered what was asked.

Originally Posted by SugarCane
And you're addicted to porn and have an anger problem? Correct?

Correct. She drinks beer alot, doesn't consider herself an alcoholic. That's all she drinks.

Originally Posted by SugarCane
And you're addicted to porn and have an anger problem? Correct?

Some of that is right, I was addicted to it. My anger problem is being worked on as I plan on going to therapy.


Is there anyway a mod can allow me to edit my OP?

Last edited by NickS; 02/28/16 01:21 PM.
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Has she been diagnosed as bi-polar?


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Originally Posted by SugarCane
Has she been diagnosed as bi-polar?

That I'm not sure of. She claimed at one point when we we're dating that she was bi polar. I wasn't aware that it can just disappear like that.

Last edited by NickS; 02/28/16 01:23 PM.
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Has she been diagnosed with depression? Is she taking medication at the moment?

How many men has she has sex with since you married? And how many "emotional affairs", not including the online sex she is having now?

Is she planning to leave you shortly? To go where?


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Originally Posted by SugarCane
Has she been diagnosed with depression? Is she taking medication at the moment?

How many men has she has sex with since you married? And how many "emotional affairs", not including the online sex she is having now?

Is she planning to leave you shortly? To go where?


She's been diagnosed with depression in the past and was seeing a therapist and was on anti depressants at the time. She's not taking anything right now and isn't seeing anyone for it. Her response is that she'll start getting help for it when we move. She doesn't want to start seeing a therapist only to have to move and find somebody else to start seeing.

As far as I know, or atleast as far as she's told me. She had sex with a guy she met while out in Vegas last month. That's the only time that supposedly she's had sex with since we've been married. How true that is? I don't know. She's lied and continues to lie about so much right now that I don't know what the truth is anymore.

Hmm, the last question I'm not sure about.. It looks like two out of the three online emotional affairs that she's had look like just sexual talk. And the other one looks like more of a serious affair than just sex talk. Although there is some sex talk involved in all three.

I haven't had a chance to go through her phone in 3 days. So I don't have a whole lot of information right now.

She had originally planned to leave me and take the kids with her back in early January. Recently as a few seeks ago she's changed her mind and now doesn't plan on leaving. That's not the tune she's saying to these men online that she's talking to however.

She's telling them that she's moving to Vegas soon and that's all she's saying.

Last edited by NickS; 02/28/16 01:44 PM.
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Have you gone to get an STD check yet? Waywards are notorious liars. Go get health checked for STDs.


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Originally Posted by Alwayslookingup
Have you gone to get an STD check yet? Waywards are notorious liars. Go get health checked for STDs.

No, I haven't. But it's something I've thought about doing. Funny you should mention that, it was actually something that's been on my mind a few times.

She also had mentioned to me that she also wanted to get tested aswell. Even though she claimed that it was protected. But your right, I'm just finding out now how deep the lying goes. It's ridiculous.

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If she is also concerned...GO GET TESTED!


BW, me - 44
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The fact that she too is concerned says she DID have unprotected sex with someone at some point. Waywards are liars. You still don't know all the facts.


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One of the many problems with your very long opening posts is that I cannot keep straight what happened in the past and what is still happening now.

What happened to her idea of all of you moving to where her father lives? Is that now off the table?

As to her behaviour with other men: at the moment she is sending naked pictures and talking online to several men, one of whom sounds serious. Correct?


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The initial post has been edited at OP's request.


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Originally Posted by SugarCane
One of the many problems with your very long opening posts is that I cannot keep straight what happened in the past and what is still happening now.

What happened to her idea of all of you moving to where her father lives? Is that now off the table?

As to her behaviour with other men: at the moment she is sending naked pictures and talking online to several men, one of whom sounds serious. Correct?


Yes, that's correct. She's currently talking to one or more men, and probably sending more naked pictures I'm sure. Some of them aren't all naked. One does sound serious, there's been alot more casual talk than sex talk with the more serious one. I don't know where he lives yet though.

Well I'm having a mod modify my post now so hopefully it'll make more sense. My problem is that I analyze EVERYTHING so that's the reason for my long post. I do apologize for it, that's just how I am.

The move to Vegas is still happening.

Originally Posted by Alwayslookingup
The fact that she too is concerned says she DID have unprotected sex with someone at some point. Waywards are liars. You still don't know all the facts.

Yeah, I know nothing as far as I'm concerned. She's told me some things, but she's obviously holding back alot more than she's letting on.

Last edited by NickS; 02/28/16 02:56 PM.
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Nothing in any of your posts shows that you have demanded that the affairs stop. Are you prepared to do that? That would mean that, if they did not stop, you would eventually separate from her. Are you prepared to make that demand and follow it through?

Does anyone else know about her behaviour? Her father? Your parents? Your oldest child? Close friends?

Have you ever confronted these men (online or by phone) and told them that she is married, and the contact stops today?

Do you know any of their identities? Do you have phone numbers for the ones she texts? Does she go on dating sites to hook up with men? How did she find those men? Is she still on those sites?

We haven't talked about what she would need to do to change her behaviour, but I'd like an answer to my questions first.


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Nick, I just read your revised first post and can now grasp the situation. Thank you for summarizing your situation. Making long posts is not an indicator of an analytical nature, but an indicator of being lost in the weeds.

Did you take screen shots of the affairs you found on her phone? If not, can you get back into it and get evidence? We can then help you with a widespread exposure.

The issue you have is that your wife is actively seeking affairs. She seems to have a renters/freeloaders philosophy of marriage where she is just in the marriage until something better comes along. She is actively looking for something better. Unless you can address and resolve her philosophy of marriage, you will likely face more affairs.

But for now, I would prepare for exposure by getting the evidence prepared. Have you read my Exposure 101 thread?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I would also get some spyware on her phone. Preferably a program with built in GPS. Go here to find options.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by SugarCane
Nothing in any of your posts shows that you have demanded that the affairs stop. Are you prepared to do that? That would mean that, if they did not stop, you would eventually separate from her. Are you prepared to make that demand and follow it through?

Does anyone else know about her behaviour? Her father? Your parents? Your oldest child? Close friends?

Have you ever confronted these men (online or by phone) and told them that she is married, and the contact stops today?

Do you know any of their identities? Do you have phone numbers for the ones she texts? Does she go on dating sites to hook up with men? How did she find those men? Is she still on those sites?

We haven't talked about what she would need to do to change her behaviour, but I'd like an answer to my questions first.

You're correct, I haven't said anything to her about this. I only found the messages on Thursday. I'm almost positive there's much more information on her phone that I need to gather first before exposing this completely. I want to make sure I do proper research and get as much as I can. I want to do this right.

I'll be honest with you, I wasn't going to say anything at first about the messages. I wrestled with the thought of confronting her about it. This was before I found this website. I'm glad I found it first before doing anything, because I would've risked doing a proper exposure.

I wasn't going to say anything to my Wife about it because then I'd have to admit that I've been going through her phone. It goes against conventional wisdom about snooping around.


The only person that knows about these emotional affairs is her Dad, and he didn't have a whole lot to say about it. Nobody else knows anything.

I have not confronted these other guys yet. And no, besides what I've seen in Kik messenger I don't know much about their identities and I don't have their phone numbers.

I don't know how she met them. She admitted to talking to other men back in January, and when I asked her how she met them, she told me it was through a video app called ooVoo. So maybe that's where she met them?

I'ts entirely possible she could've met them through a dating website or app. I caught her making two dating profiles way back in September of last year and she tried to deny that she made them.

Last edited by NickS; 02/28/16 07:09 PM.
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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Nick, I just read your revised first post and can now grasp the situation. Thank you for summarizing your situation. Making long posts is not an indicator of an analytical nature, but an indicator of being lost in the weeds.

Did you take screen shots of the affairs you found on her phone? If not, can you get back into it and get evidence? We can then help you with a widespread exposure.

The issue you have is that your wife is actively seeking affairs. She seems to have a renters/freeloaders philosophy of marriage where she is just in the marriage until something better comes along. She is actively looking for something better. Unless you can address and resolve her philosophy of marriage, you will likely face more affairs.

But for now, I would prepare for exposure by getting the evidence prepared. Have you read my Exposure 101 thread?

I didn't capture the evidence, haven;t really had a chance to thoroughly go through her phone yet. Unfortunately, I won't be able to get back in because it's currently broken. So I'll have to wait before I can get back into it.

Yes, her warped philosophy of marriage is an issue. She claims that I wasn't meeting her emotional needs, that coupled with my anger is supposedly what led to her wanting to separate in the first place.

I plan on jailbreaking her phone and installing some spyware. I was hoping to find something that allows for app blocking.

Yes, I've read some of your exposure thread. Not all of it though.

Last edited by NickS; 02/28/16 07:20 PM.
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I sure hope you are documenting everything and also preparing to speak to a lawyer about your rights as a father and how you can protect your children in the event that your wife tries to follows thru on her plan to move the children away.

Waywards who are having sexual relations and online affairs with multiple random men in addition to the alcohol and marijuana use typically are not very good caregivers to young children. They will be at risk for abuse should she take them.


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Originally Posted by NickS
I plan on jailbreaking her phone and installing some spyware. I was hoping to find something that allows for app blocking.
It is unnecessary to jailbreak an iPhone to install spyware. There are App Store approved apps you can use, and jailbreaking has side effects that may well clue her in to what is up. Another useful thing you can do is go into the location settings and look at the phone's frequent locations. That will tell you where and when she has been going places repeatedly.


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Originally Posted by NickS
[I wasn't going to say anything to my Wife about it because then I'd have to admit that I've been going through her phone. It goes against conventional wisdom about snooping around.

You mean "conventional stupidity" right? Because only a stupid person would believe that spouses have a right to secrecy. You have a right to know absolutely everything she does because it affects your life too. So, please put aside any silly ideas you might have about snooping. Snooping is a virtue.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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