She wanted to separate so she could have an easier time trolling for men. Having affairs is obviously not a rational reaction to marriage problems. Evne if you had met her needs 100%, she would have still had affairs if she was trolling for action.


Be sure and SEND yourself screen shots of all the evidence. Can you do this?

Yes, I can do that. It's funny, the first 3 tears of our marriage was pretty good. It seems like it went downhill after the birth of our second child. I'm not sure what went wrong. I keep asking myself if it was something I did. I know I had a porn addiction and anger issues, it's just hard for me to believe that I'm responsible for pushing her this far.



Yeah, that's just what I've read on the internet. Everybody says it's wrong and that you have a right to some privacy, even in marriage. That's what I always use to think aswell.

Glad you have changed that thinking...

What went wrong is that she trolls for affairs. Nothing you did or could do will stop that.

The question is, can anything stop it, or is it going to be a continuous roller coaster of being faithful and cheating over and over?

You might not be able to stop it, but we can help you do everything to effect that outcome At the end of the day, she is free to continue to cheat. If she doesn't stop it, Dr. Harley would tell you to end the marriage. But there are many things you can do before you get to that point.

Once you know the truth, you will realize there should be no privacy in marriage.

Oh I'm finding out the truth all right. In fact, I found a lot from sneaking around on her computer today.

She just recently reactivated her Facebook account. She was talking to one of her girls friends.

What did my wife tell her?

Well, apparently even though I'm changing like she wanted me to, I guess now I've changed too much. And that she's tired of being verbally and emotionally abused by me.

I'll admit.I wasn't a great husband in the past, but that's behind me now. I'm not that same person anymore.

She then said that I'm still not.meeting her emotional needs. And that we are going to Co parent. And that she wants to tell me all this, but she just can't.

Now just two nights ago she was saying the polar opposite. So not only is she clearly lying to me, she's also playing with my emotions.

So it looks like to me it's over...even though she doesn't want a divorce...and even though she still wants to have sex with me. makes sense, doesn't it?

Collect your information and come back here for advice on what to do next. Exposure does not mean telling her; she already knows what she is doing! Exposure means telling everyone that matters to her. You do that strategically once you have the whole story. In addition to putting pressure on her to stop, this will protect you from the lies she will spin.

The reason for collecting the information first is that she will shut down your access to her communications the moment she knows you are on to her.

Did you get the evidence for exposure?

No, I haven't yet. Her phone with everything that I need is broken right now. Will have to wait to get that fixed first.

But honestly, what's the point in exposing anything?

I mean think about it, she's telling her Facebook friends and groups that I still can't meet her needs in a relationship. And that even though I'm changing, I've changed too much now and I'm not the same person she fell in love with. And that she has resentment towards me now for the way I've treated her with verbal and emotional abuse, and that will always be in the back of her mind according to her conversation.

Of course she didn't tell any of them that she's been lying and cheating on me, I'd imagine they wouldn't be as sympathetic as they have been.

I don't think exposing is going to fix any of that. It sounds like more of a problem with me. I can't help but think I'm responsible for alot of this. Did I really kill my own marriage?

What do you think?

What you have to do is identify the means by which the unfaithfulness occurs, and systematically block those avenues. This is what is referred to as establishing extraordinary precautions. The EPs are your assurance of faithfulness, and most former waywards become active participants in strengthening the EPs as the marriage recovers.

You are killing your marriage by enabling her affairs. You enable her affairs by keeping them a secret. Affairs thrive on secrecy so keeping this a secret only serves to fuel them. Her friends sympathize with her because she is allowed to LIE to them about you. Exposure would change all that.

It is very hard to save a marriage when you choose to be an enabler.

If her phone is broken, why don't you take it to the phone shop and retrieve all the data from it?

The problem is her cheating, which is a willful choice. She blames you to throw you off balance. Your wife cheats for one reason and one reason only: SHE IS TROLLING FOR ACTION.

EXPOSE! It's your best avenue to salvage your marriage if that's what you want. As long as your paralyzed with fear...and inaction...nothing can or will change. Listen to these people. You came here searching for help...picking and choosing what advice you implement will only further her cheating ways. Saving your marriage STARTS WITH EXPOSURE.

Are you abusing her? Plan A consists of 2 parts, a) exposure and doing everything in your power to disrupt her cheating b) offering to work with her to create a happy, safe marriage. That means you avoid lovebusters and do your best to meet her needs. You should be educating yourself on Plan A: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2695379#Post2695379

Do you have the book Surviving an Affair?

I have verbally abused her in the past. But if you were to ask me in which way, I wouldn't be able to tell you because I honestly don't remember saying anything that could be contrived as verbal abuse.

She also claims that I've abused her emotionally aswell. That I could understand, I was never really affectionate towards her as I grew up in a house with a father that was the same way towards my Mother. So I never really learned how. I'd never bring her home flowers, wasn't very thoughtful towards her and her feelings. So yes, I abused her emotionally. And now she resent's me for it so much that she can't get out of her mind according to her.

But I'm no longer like this anymore. And now she's saying I've changed too much...I almost feel like she's sabotaging me on purpose. She was telling her friends that me changing isn't going to magically make her fall in love with me again.


I'm not trying to pick and choose witch advice I implement. Trust me, I'm listening to everyone. I'm just an emotional train wreck right now. Especially after just finding this out!

No, I don't have that book.

Listen, Nick, you have a history here of standing by and focusing on, slash, obsessing on things that are basically not your main problem.

The main problem is the fact that your WW is a serial cheater. That's all you need to focus on right now. Sure, this is going to be harder to save but it is definitely possible. But you can't even get to that point if you don't follow the steps outlined here.

All the fog babbly that she is spewing at you should basically be ignored. Waywards ALL re-write history and blame all the marital problems on the BS to make themselves feel better while they continue prowling around on the side. That's NORMAL.

As you've been told, you need to collect the evidence and expose this affair.
There is no need to wring your hands about whether you want to save this or not, based on what the wayward's fog babble, etc.

Exposing the affair gives you MORE options. Not exposing, affair continues, marriage eventually ends = no options. See? So how you "feel" about saving the marriage doesn't matter much.

If every BS only followed the steps based on how they were feeling, then we would not save many marriages - because a BS's feelings many times in a day while dealing with a wayward spouse.

Follow the steps ----> best chances to end affair/s, best chances to clear some of the wayward's fog. Then decide about the marriage.

Again, what she says doesn't matter. And not only that, it's a huge waste of your time to be posting about fogbabbly that all waywards spew.

We all get it about being an emotional train wreck. However, you can be a train wreck and be working the plan. We've all BTDT.

You need to be talking about collecting your evidence and your exposure plan, Nick.

And I sure hope you are not allowing your WW to take the kids while she goes out meeting these men, like her trip to Vegas.