Hello,

My Wife and I have been married for 4 years. She's 22 and I'm 28. We both have two children together, 3 years and 1 year.

She recently came to me back in January of this year and told me that she wanted a separation, Now she doesn't want a separation and doesn't want a divorce. She keeps claiming that she's confused about us and how she needs to feel better about herself before she can feel better about our relationship.

She admitted to cheating on my physically a few weeks ago while at her Dad's in Vegas. She met him online while she was out there. Supposedly protected, and that she's had no further communication with him since then, although she did give him her number.

A long story short, I finally figured out her passcode and got into her phone and I'm finding out that she's talking to three different men on an app called Kik Messenger. That was a few days ago, she could be talking to more now for all I know.

She's sent multiple topless photos to all three of these guys. There's also been alot of sexual talk between them all aswell. From what I can tell, it looks like two out of the three have just been sex talk, and the other one might be more serious. From what it looks like, she's stopped talking to the other two and continues to talk to the more serious one.

One of the guys she was talking to mentioned about how they would need to have distraction for a night, whatever that meant.
She's called one of them.

There's one that looks more serious, there's been alot of casual conversation with some flirting and some sex talk mixed in with one guy.

Of course, she's telling me that she's not talking to any guys anymore, she said she sent topless photos in the past because she wanted attention and wanted to feel like she mattered to somebody. She said want's to be honest with me. She lied right to my face with that statement. I caught her the other day combing her back back and taking a selfie, no doubt it was intended for somebody.

None of these guys shes talking to know that she's married. She keeps telling them that I'm her ex. She's even gone so far as to tell them that I've beat her in a drunken rage in front of our kids! Of course that's never happened.

She's not even telling these guys her real name, she keeps giving a false name and giving a false story about how shes always working all the time and going to school. None of that is true either of course.

None of these guys she actually knows in real life. She met them all on the internet. I'm not really sure if the typical exposure will work here as there's more than one guy she's talking to.

I really haven't had a chance to thoroughly go through her phone yet. It's just been quick looks so far. I need to gather some more intel and really find out what's going on. As I don't know how long she's been talking to these guys for.


It's a really strange situation, because my Wife and I still make love regularly but there's no intimacy and affection anymore, and she keeps saying she''s confused. I think I'm more confused than her at this point.

Thanks
Nick

If you are serious about seeking help, you are going to have to pare that down to a couple of paragraphs. Nobody has the time to read all of that.

WElcome to Marriage Builders, Nick. Please cut that down to about 3 short paragraphs so people will have time to read your story. We don't need a novel.

I can't edit it now, so it's too late for that.

It's not editable anymore.

How about just making another post in this thread summarizing your story?

What we need to know is:

What is the problem today? I take it your wife is having an affair. How long has this been going on, and what stage has it reached? Is she about to leave you? How does she meet up with OM?

Who is this OM? Is he a schoolfriend who reconnected via the Internet, is he a colleague...or what? Is he married? Have you confronted him about the affair?

How long have you been married? How old are your kids? Who among your close family and friends knows about the affair?

We've been married for 4 years, we have 2 children ages 3 and 1 year. I'm 28 and my Wife is 22.

She originally was hell bent on wanting a separation back in January, but has since changed her mind several weeks ago.

My Wife admitted to me that when she was out visiting her Dad in Vegas for a week that she "hooked" up with some guy that she met online while out there. She said it was consensual and that it was wrong. She told me that she was acting like she was single while she was out there. I really didn't press her much for more information as I was in shock and still trying to process what she just told me. She told me that she just had to tell me and she couldn't keep it from me. She did say that she told her best friend first before telling me.

Another week goes by and we ended up having quite a deep conversation again. She started telling me that she noticed that I was changing and that she was starting to become attracted to me again, and falling for me again. Then she started talking about how great in bed I am etc. But then she stated that she needs to start feeling better about herself first before she can start feeling better about our relationship. I then finally got her to cough up more information on the guy she physically cheated on me with while in Vegas. She started talking about how it "wasn't really that good" and that he promised her that she would have a good time and that she was disappointed. I thought that was a very strange thing to tell your husband but alright.

I guess she was drunk and her ride abandoned her and that's when this guy invited her back to his hotel room to sleep there for the night. She told me that she gave him her phone number, but that he hasn't tried talking to her since then, atleast that's what she told me anyways. At that point, I was still believing her and trusting her even though she cheated on me.

I was finally able to get into her phone. The first thing I went to go check was her text messages. I decided to check some of her older text messages from back in January when she first stated that she wanted a separation. And low and behold, she was texting some guy and I started scrolling up to the earlier messages between her and whoever this guy was and I find two topless photos from her to this person. There's been no communication between the two since February 4. At that point, I was already devastated, but I continued to play along anyways.

But what really started troubling me, was not so much the topless photos. It was her behavior in these text messages. It was like she was acting out to be a totally different person.

She using a different name when she was texting this person. Apparently her name to this guy was Jaycee Klayton, and not her real name. And that she has a job and goes to school full time. Now none of that is true. She currently does not have a job and she doesn't goto school. Now these are things that she's expressed that she wants to do to feel better about herself, but as of now she isn't doing any of it other than applying for jobs.

Now, her childhood friend just recently got fired from her job, right. So, after my Wife found out about it from her, she started telling this guy that she was texting that she just got fired from her job aswell! This was right after she found out that her friend got fired. Is that not peculiar behavior or what? It's almost as if she's trying to imitate her best friend for some odd reason. It's also strange because her friend's name is very similar to this fake name that my Wife is using.

Now mind you, she has alot of different messaging and social media apps on her phone. Ovoo, Kik Messenger, WhatsApp, LINE, and a new one that she just can't stop using called Whisper. She did have Facebook but recently deactivated it because it was causing her too much drama.

I guess her Dad was telling me that she told him that she was noticing my changes and that we're talking alot more now, but that she's confused.

Now here is where it's about to get even weirder. I decided to go through her phone again two nights ago. This time I chose to go through that Kik Messenger app as she seems to always be getting notifications of new messages...

Let's just say that when I thought it couldn't possibly get any worse, it just did at that moment. She was talking to three different guys, the other two she wasn't actively talking to anymore, one guy she still is. Even up to this point right now she still is. I don't know how far back she's been talking to him for, it seemed like the more I kept scrolling up, the more messages there are. So I have to assume it's been for awhile. But I'm going to check again to see how exactly far back the conversation has been going on for.

Anyways, she AGAIN sent not one, but multiple topless photos to two of the three guys she was talking to in Kik messenger. One of the guys she actually called on the phone and said that his voice sounded hot.

The other guy sent her a half naked picture back to her, to which her response was all kinds of intimate responses I'd care not to repeat. One of the other guys had said that he'd like to bend her over! THIS IS MY WIFE WE'RE TALKING ABOUT HERE! mad

Then she starts going on about how she's a great cook, and really loves cooking, etc. And about how she's going to move to Vegas soon.

One of the other guys she was talking to started saying how they would need to have a distraction for one night. My Wife seemed to be intrigued. Then she stated about how she hasn't had sex "since that bad night in Vegas". Well that obviously isn't true considering that me and her have been "doing it" quite often.

Of course, none of the guys she's talking to now her real name, or the fact that we're married. She keeps referring to me as her "ex" to these guys. In fact, she actually told two of them that I've beaten her in a drunken rage one night infront of our kids and that was the reason why she left me! Of course the guys were very sympathetic towards calling me all kinds of names like an a-hole, etc, and that she doesn't deserve that.

Now, I do have an anger issue I'll admit that, and I'm doing a very good job of getting through it. But I've NEVER put my hands on her in any, way, shape, or form in any abusive way whatsoever. I was raised better then that. I just wanted to clear the air on that for anybody that have second thoughts.

So later that night, she actually came to me and we started talking. She went on about the cheating of course with that one guy in Vegas. But then she admitted to talking to three guys AT ONE TIME back in January. And that she was doing it for attention because she claimed that they made her feel sexy and wanted.

I stated to her myself that I've never called her sexy in our entire 5 year relationship. To which she replied, "And you've never called my beautiful".

So then she says that she stopped talking to two of them, but the other one she still talks to once in a while because she claims that she has a connection with him and that she doesn't want to give up,. Apparently this other guy is even older than me (he's 30), lives in NY and has three kids. She said that it was starting to turn intimate but that this guy apparently has a girlfriend and she started getting suspicious so that's when they decided to call it off and just remain friends.

Anyways, she then goes on to say that she ISN'T TALKING TO ANY GUYS LIKE THAT ANYMORE. Now, this is obviously a bold faced lie, because she's currently talking to guys right now on Kik Messenger using a fake name, and a fake story about how I beat her.

I find that very betraying considering that she told me that she wants to be honest with me. Yet she can't even tell me everything?

So then I ask her if she considers us separated, she goes off and says no but that it's complicated. She repeated multiple times that she doesn't want a divorce. And she mentioned again for what now has to be the third time about how I'm changing for the better and that's she's confused and feels pressured.

She then says that she doesn't want to lead me on and doesn't want me to think that just because we have sex, that everything is okay now. She then says that she just can't take me back right now and act like everything is going to be the way it use to be. She then proclaims that she's starting to like me again, but that I've tried changing in the past and it would only last a few weeks and I'd go back to the way I use to be.

In fact, I actually caught her last night in the living room combing her hair back and taking a selfie, I wonder who that picture was intended for? I managed to take a quick peak at the notifications on her unlock screen, and there it was...three new Kik Messenger messages. I wonder who it was hmm?

The thing is, she's talking to these guys on this Kik messenger right in front of me! Of course she trys and hide it.


These guys aren't some that she actually knows beyond just meeting them on the internet. I have no idea how long the communication has been going on for. I will be finding that out soon.

Nick, CUT IT BACK!!!

We really don't need to know what she said on Thursday, and what she said different on Friday.

1. Is she having an affair? Will she agree to end it? If she says it is over, do you suspect it is still going on? Why?

2. How does she hook up with the guy?

3. Who is he?

4. Have you confronted him?

For people that don't feel like reading the whole post, I made a shortened version here.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2876922#Post2876922

Yes, she's having an emotional affair online with several different men. This is after mind you she told me a few days ago that she's no longer talking to guys anymore and wants to be honest with me. Lied to my face.

I don't know how long it's been going on for, it looks like to me atleast several weeks. But I did find older text messages from one other guy dating back to mid January when my wife first stated that she wanted a separation.

What stage has it reached? Well, she's sending these guys topless photos and having sexual conversations with them. I'd say that's pretty serious.

They don't know that she's married as she keeps telling them that I'm her ex. She's also using a fake name and giving them a fake story about how I beat her infront of her kids after a heavy session of drinking.

And this is all going on at the same time that she's telling me that she's confused and feels pressureed about our relationship. Yet were still making love on a regular basis. So to be honest, I don't know what level it's at. She did admit to me that she was sending naked pictures and talking to guys online to seek attention and feel wanted.

I don't know who these OM's are, I haven't gotten that far in my research yet.

She doesn't know them apart from meeting them online.

NICK. You are not going to get much help here if you continue to post needless, superfluous information. You make it way too hard to follow your story. Please summarize your story and take out the blow by blows. THREE short paragraphs is plenty enough to describe your situation.

Your first post was 5,000 words long, and your second, nearly 2000 words. Could you aim for 500?

3 paragraphs wouldn't even be enough to describe a quarter of it.

So are you not going to bother?

People have posted about 12 year affairs here, without writing all the details of every year and every conversation.

1. Is she having an affair? Will she agree to end it? If she says it is over, do you suspect it is still going on? Why?

2. How does she hook up with the guy?

3. Who is he?

4. Have you confronted him?

YEs, it would. We don't need all this superfluous information to understand your situation. We don't need a blow by blow of what she said on Friday and what she said on Tuesday. People will NEVER be able to follow your story if they have to read through a novel to get it. You can summarize your story without narrating every conversation you had for the past 6 months.

I answered those questions already in the other thread.

You need to summarize your situation in 3-4 short paragraphs if you want to get help here.

Read this to see how it is done: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2868234#Post2868234

It would be nice if this place could allow more then 10 minutes to edit a post. I'm not about to make another one.

Nick,

How about answering Sugar's questions and then people will ask for more details as they need them? You have some expert people ready to help you.

1. Is she having an affair? Will she agree to end it? If she says it is over, do you suspect it is still going on? Why?

2. How does she hook up with the guy?

3. Who is he?

4. Have you confronted him?

She's bi-polar, and an alcoholic and a drug user? is that right?

And you're addicted to porn and have an anger problem? Correct?

I answered what was asked.


Correct. She drinks beer alot, doesn't consider herself an alcoholic. That's all she drinks.


Some of that is right, I was addicted to it. My anger problem is being worked on as I plan on going to therapy.


Is there anyway a mod can allow me to edit my OP?

Has she been diagnosed as bi-polar?

That I'm not sure of. She claimed at one point when we we're dating that she was bi polar. I wasn't aware that it can just disappear like that.

Has she been diagnosed with depression? Is she taking medication at the moment?

How many men has she has sex with since you married? And how many "emotional affairs", not including the online sex she is having now?

Is she planning to leave you shortly? To go where?

She's been diagnosed with depression in the past and was seeing a therapist and was on anti depressants at the time. She's not taking anything right now and isn't seeing anyone for it. Her response is that she'll start getting help for it when we move. She doesn't want to start seeing a therapist only to have to move and find somebody else to start seeing.

As far as I know, or atleast as far as she's told me. She had sex with a guy she met while out in Vegas last month. That's the only time that supposedly she's had sex with since we've been married. How true that is? I don't know. She's lied and continues to lie about so much right now that I don't know what the truth is anymore.

Hmm, the last question I'm not sure about.. It looks like two out of the three online emotional affairs that she's had look like just sexual talk. And the other one looks like more of a serious affair than just sex talk. Although there is some sex talk involved in all three.

I haven't had a chance to go through her phone in 3 days. So I don't have a whole lot of information right now.

She had originally planned to leave me and take the kids with her back in early January. Recently as a few seeks ago she's changed her mind and now doesn't plan on leaving. That's not the tune she's saying to these men online that she's talking to however.

She's telling them that she's moving to Vegas soon and that's all she's saying.

Have you gone to get an STD check yet? Waywards are notorious liars. Go get health checked for STDs.

No, I haven't. But it's something I've thought about doing. Funny you should mention that, it was actually something that's been on my mind a few times.

She also had mentioned to me that she also wanted to get tested aswell. Even though she claimed that it was protected. But your right, I'm just finding out now how deep the lying goes. It's ridiculous.

If she is also concerned...GO GET TESTED!

The fact that she too is concerned says she DID have unprotected sex with someone at some point. Waywards are liars. You still don't know all the facts.

One of the many problems with your very long opening posts is that I cannot keep straight what happened in the past and what is still happening now.

What happened to her idea of all of you moving to where her father lives? Is that now off the table?

As to her behaviour with other men: at the moment she is sending naked pictures and talking online to several men, one of whom sounds serious. Correct?

The initial post has been edited at OP's request.

Yes, that's correct. She's currently talking to one or more men, and probably sending more naked pictures I'm sure. Some of them aren't all naked. One does sound serious, there's been alot more casual talk than sex talk with the more serious one. I don't know where he lives yet though.

Well I'm having a mod modify my post now so hopefully it'll make more sense. My problem is that I analyze EVERYTHING so that's the reason for my long post. I do apologize for it, that's just how I am.

The move to Vegas is still happening.


Yeah, I know nothing as far as I'm concerned. She's told me some things, but she's obviously holding back alot more than she's letting on.

Nothing in any of your posts shows that you have demanded that the affairs stop. Are you prepared to do that? That would mean that, if they did not stop, you would eventually separate from her. Are you prepared to make that demand and follow it through?

Does anyone else know about her behaviour? Her father? Your parents? Your oldest child? Close friends?

Have you ever confronted these men (online or by phone) and told them that she is married, and the contact stops today?

Do you know any of their identities? Do you have phone numbers for the ones she texts? Does she go on dating sites to hook up with men? How did she find those men? Is she still on those sites?

We haven't talked about what she would need to do to change her behaviour, but I'd like an answer to my questions first.

Nick, I just read your revised first post and can now grasp the situation. Thank you for summarizing your situation. Making long posts is not an indicator of an analytical nature, but an indicator of being lost in the weeds.

Did you take screen shots of the affairs you found on her phone? If not, can you get back into it and get evidence? We can then help you with a widespread exposure.

The issue you have is that your wife is actively seeking affairs. She seems to have a renters/freeloaders philosophy of marriage where she is just in the marriage until something better comes along. She is actively looking for something better. Unless you can address and resolve her philosophy of marriage, you will likely face more affairs.

But for now, I would prepare for exposure by getting the evidence prepared. Have you read my Exposure 101 thread?

I would also get some spyware on her phone. Preferably a program with built in GPS. Go here to find options.

You're correct, I haven't said anything to her about this. I only found the messages on Thursday. I'm almost positive there's much more information on her phone that I need to gather first before exposing this completely. I want to make sure I do proper research and get as much as I can. I want to do this right.

I'll be honest with you, I wasn't going to say anything at first about the messages. I wrestled with the thought of confronting her about it. This was before I found this website. I'm glad I found it first before doing anything, because I would've risked doing a proper exposure.

I wasn't going to say anything to my Wife about it because then I'd have to admit that I've been going through her phone. It goes against conventional wisdom about snooping around.


The only person that knows about these emotional affairs is her Dad, and he didn't have a whole lot to say about it. Nobody else knows anything.

I have not confronted these other guys yet. And no, besides what I've seen in Kik messenger I don't know much about their identities and I don't have their phone numbers.

I don't know how she met them. She admitted to talking to other men back in January, and when I asked her how she met them, she told me it was through a video app called ooVoo. So maybe that's where she met them?

I'ts entirely possible she could've met them through a dating website or app. I caught her making two dating profiles way back in September of last year and she tried to deny that she made them.

I didn't capture the evidence, haven;t really had a chance to thoroughly go through her phone yet. Unfortunately, I won't be able to get back in because it's currently broken. So I'll have to wait before I can get back into it.

Yes, her warped philosophy of marriage is an issue. She claims that I wasn't meeting her emotional needs, that coupled with my anger is supposedly what led to her wanting to separate in the first place.

I plan on jailbreaking her phone and installing some spyware. I was hoping to find something that allows for app blocking.

Yes, I've read some of your exposure thread. Not all of it though.

I sure hope you are documenting everything and also preparing to speak to a lawyer about your rights as a father and how you can protect your children in the event that your wife tries to follows thru on her plan to move the children away.

Waywards who are having sexual relations and online affairs with multiple random men in addition to the alcohol and marijuana use typically are not very good caregivers to young children. They will be at risk for abuse should she take them.

It is unnecessary to jailbreak an iPhone to install spyware. There are App Store approved apps you can use, and jailbreaking has side effects that may well clue her in to what is up. Another useful thing you can do is go into the location settings and look at the phone's frequent locations. That will tell you where and when she has been going places repeatedly.

You mean "conventional stupidity" right? Because only a stupid person would believe that spouses have a right to secrecy. You have a right to know absolutely everything she does because it affects your life too. So, please put aside any silly ideas you might have about snooping. Snooping is a virtue.

She wanted to separate so she could have an easier time trolling for men. Having affairs is obviously not a rational reaction to marriage problems. Evne if you had met her needs 100%, she would have still had affairs if she was trolling for action.


Be sure and SEND yourself screen shots of all the evidence. Can you do this?

Yes, I can do that. It's funny, the first 3 tears of our marriage was pretty good. It seems like it went downhill after the birth of our second child. I'm not sure what went wrong. I keep asking myself if it was something I did. I know I had a porn addiction and anger issues, it's just hard for me to believe that I'm responsible for pushing her this far.



Yeah, that's just what I've read on the internet. Everybody says it's wrong and that you have a right to some privacy, even in marriage. That's what I always use to think aswell.

Glad you have changed that thinking...

What went wrong is that she trolls for affairs. Nothing you did or could do will stop that.

The question is, can anything stop it, or is it going to be a continuous roller coaster of being faithful and cheating over and over?

You might not be able to stop it, but we can help you do everything to effect that outcome At the end of the day, she is free to continue to cheat. If she doesn't stop it, Dr. Harley would tell you to end the marriage. But there are many things you can do before you get to that point.

Once you know the truth, you will realize there should be no privacy in marriage.

Oh I'm finding out the truth all right. In fact, I found a lot from sneaking around on her computer today.

She just recently reactivated her Facebook account. She was talking to one of her girls friends.

What did my wife tell her?

Well, apparently even though I'm changing like she wanted me to, I guess now I've changed too much. And that she's tired of being verbally and emotionally abused by me.

I'll admit.I wasn't a great husband in the past, but that's behind me now. I'm not that same person anymore.

She then said that I'm still not.meeting her emotional needs. And that we are going to Co parent. And that she wants to tell me all this, but she just can't.

Now just two nights ago she was saying the polar opposite. So not only is she clearly lying to me, she's also playing with my emotions.

So it looks like to me it's over...even though she doesn't want a divorce...and even though she still wants to have sex with me. makes sense, doesn't it?

Collect your information and come back here for advice on what to do next. Exposure does not mean telling her; she already knows what she is doing! Exposure means telling everyone that matters to her. You do that strategically once you have the whole story. In addition to putting pressure on her to stop, this will protect you from the lies she will spin.

The reason for collecting the information first is that she will shut down your access to her communications the moment she knows you are on to her.

Did you get the evidence for exposure?

No, I haven't yet. Her phone with everything that I need is broken right now. Will have to wait to get that fixed first.

But honestly, what's the point in exposing anything?

I mean think about it, she's telling her Facebook friends and groups that I still can't meet her needs in a relationship. And that even though I'm changing, I've changed too much now and I'm not the same person she fell in love with. And that she has resentment towards me now for the way I've treated her with verbal and emotional abuse, and that will always be in the back of her mind according to her conversation.

Of course she didn't tell any of them that she's been lying and cheating on me, I'd imagine they wouldn't be as sympathetic as they have been.

I don't think exposing is going to fix any of that. It sounds like more of a problem with me. I can't help but think I'm responsible for alot of this. Did I really kill my own marriage?

What do you think?

What you have to do is identify the means by which the unfaithfulness occurs, and systematically block those avenues. This is what is referred to as establishing extraordinary precautions. The EPs are your assurance of faithfulness, and most former waywards become active participants in strengthening the EPs as the marriage recovers.

You are killing your marriage by enabling her affairs. You enable her affairs by keeping them a secret. Affairs thrive on secrecy so keeping this a secret only serves to fuel them. Her friends sympathize with her because she is allowed to LIE to them about you. Exposure would change all that.

It is very hard to save a marriage when you choose to be an enabler.

If her phone is broken, why don't you take it to the phone shop and retrieve all the data from it?

The problem is her cheating, which is a willful choice. She blames you to throw you off balance. Your wife cheats for one reason and one reason only: SHE IS TROLLING FOR ACTION.

EXPOSE! It's your best avenue to salvage your marriage if that's what you want. As long as your paralyzed with fear...and inaction...nothing can or will change. Listen to these people. You came here searching for help...picking and choosing what advice you implement will only further her cheating ways. Saving your marriage STARTS WITH EXPOSURE.

Are you abusing her? Plan A consists of 2 parts, a) exposure and doing everything in your power to disrupt her cheating b) offering to work with her to create a happy, safe marriage. That means you avoid lovebusters and do your best to meet her needs. You should be educating yourself on Plan A: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2695379#Post2695379

Do you have the book Surviving an Affair?

I have verbally abused her in the past. But if you were to ask me in which way, I wouldn't be able to tell you because I honestly don't remember saying anything that could be contrived as verbal abuse.

She also claims that I've abused her emotionally aswell. That I could understand, I was never really affectionate towards her as I grew up in a house with a father that was the same way towards my Mother. So I never really learned how. I'd never bring her home flowers, wasn't very thoughtful towards her and her feelings. So yes, I abused her emotionally. And now she resent's me for it so much that she can't get out of her mind according to her.

But I'm no longer like this anymore. And now she's saying I've changed too much...I almost feel like she's sabotaging me on purpose. She was telling her friends that me changing isn't going to magically make her fall in love with me again.


I'm not trying to pick and choose witch advice I implement. Trust me, I'm listening to everyone. I'm just an emotional train wreck right now. Especially after just finding this out!

No, I don't have that book.

Listen, Nick, you have a history here of standing by and focusing on, slash, obsessing on things that are basically not your main problem.

The main problem is the fact that your WW is a serial cheater. That's all you need to focus on right now. Sure, this is going to be harder to save but it is definitely possible. But you can't even get to that point if you don't follow the steps outlined here.

All the fog babbly that she is spewing at you should basically be ignored. Waywards ALL re-write history and blame all the marital problems on the BS to make themselves feel better while they continue prowling around on the side. That's NORMAL.

As you've been told, you need to collect the evidence and expose this affair.
There is no need to wring your hands about whether you want to save this or not, based on what the wayward's fog babble, etc.

Exposing the affair gives you MORE options. Not exposing, affair continues, marriage eventually ends = no options. See? So how you "feel" about saving the marriage doesn't matter much.

If every BS only followed the steps based on how they were feeling, then we would not save many marriages - because a BS's feelings many times in a day while dealing with a wayward spouse.

Follow the steps ----> best chances to end affair/s, best chances to clear some of the wayward's fog. Then decide about the marriage.

Again, what she says doesn't matter. And not only that, it's a huge waste of your time to be posting about fogbabbly that all waywards spew.

We all get it about being an emotional train wreck. However, you can be a train wreck and be working the plan. We've all BTDT.

You need to be talking about collecting your evidence and your exposure plan, Nick.

And I sure hope you are not allowing your WW to take the kids while she goes out meeting these men, like her trip to Vegas.

Well, she has no means of transportation, she doesn't have a car. I know that wouldn't really stop her if she's determined enough. Just thought I'd mention that.




The phone is being repaired as we speak. She doesn't even know that it's currently being repaired, she still thinks it's broken. That will give me plenty of time to go through it when I get it back later today.

I'm not going to keep it s secret for much longer. I went through your exposure 101 thread. Seems like there's alot involved to doing it properly. But I'm going for it.

You know it's strange, these people that she talks to on Facebook are more acquaintances then they are friends to her. In fact, she hasn't even told her childhood friends what she's told these people on Facebook.

She was blasting stuff about me in a secret Facebook group that she's apart of. About how our relationship is still crappy, how after asking me to change, now I've changed too much and she doesn't know who I am anymore. And that she feels bad because she should want me but doesn't and can't figure out how to tell me.

And now, now she's talking to another guy on Facebook. Except this one she actually knows personally. He use to live not far from us. Apparently she told me years ago before she was pregnant with our first child that he tried kissing her once. So he had or still has a "thing" for her. And I guess she did too, or still does.

She told him that we're not together anymore but that we're still living together. She then proceeded to tell him that she's moving to Vegas soon. She conveniently or purposely neglected to tell him that we're moving out there together.

I checked her Facebook this morning, and she had a new message from him saying, "Get out of my mind!" There's been some subtle flirting, but nothing sexual...yet. But, I did find an interesting statement that he made to here during the conversation, he said "You were the best I've had". And then she replied saying the same thing.

That raised alarm bells in my head, to me it sounds like they've had sex at one point. Mind you she hasn't communicated with this guy for over 3 1/2 years atleast so it would've had to happen while we we're dating or shortly after we got married.


And now they're talking alot on Facebook, this just started yesterday after she re-activated her account. She lied again to me the other night. She told me that he messaged her first, of course that isn't true. I saw the conversation and SHE reached out to him first!

It seems that since her phone has been broken, that she has to get her cheating fix on Facebook now, my God she really is addicted? I didn't know there even was such a thing as "affair addiction". She's all over the place...having sex with some random guy in Vegas, messaging all different types of men on her phone and sending topless photos, to now flirting with an old friend that use to and still does have a thing for her.

I just can't help but think that this is over, I don't want to believe that...but what else am I suppose to think? Can this ever be fixed?

Are you taking screen shots of the facebook flirtations? I would focus on being more strategic here and working on an exposure plan.

It can be fixed if she makes a radical change in her lifestyle. If she won't do that, then you won't have a future with her. You will be better off without her if she won't change. She is dangerous as she is now. She exposes you to STDs and risks the security and safety of your children. I would be collecting as much evidence as possible in case your marriage doesn't work out because you will need to get primary custody of your children. With her promiscuous lifestyle of revolving creeps, your children will not be safe.

Your best chance is a nuclear exposure. That is the about the only thing that might motivate her to change. If she doesn't, you need to prepare to separate and take your children.

x10000

I say this in support of you, your marriage and your children.

You're wasting time and emotional energy on these long posts. There needs to be less hand wringing and we need to hear more about exposure. Who are your exposure targets?

Well I have bad news. They can't fix the iPhone because the the lcd connector on the mother board is worn out. So I have two choices, either replace the entire phone, or replace the motherboard. Either option will wipe out all data and evidence that's on there.
So I'm pretty much screwed.
Any technically inclined people want to weigh in on my available options?

Don't you have other evidence on facebook? What other evidence do you have? You also have her confession, right?

If you can't retrieve the intel, you can put spyware on her new phone and give it back to her.

Well the real evidence was on her phone. The things on her phone would've really told me how far back this has been going on for.

No use crying over spilled milk. Put the spyware on the new phone and check it, it will tell you the real story soon enough.

Okay. Well in the mean time. She did tell me some things today. Apparently, her old friend that she just started talking to again, they had sex before I met her. She just admitted to it.

She also admitted that they're having some sexual talk. But that she's not interested in being with him.

When I told here that I didn't think that was appropriate, her response was that she needs her friend and that she can talk to whoever she wants, whenever she wants, about whatever she wants. And that she doesn't feel there's anything wrong with it because she considers herself single.

She said that she likes to talk about that kind of stuff, she likes to have fun. I guess she said that I really broke her verbally and emotionally. Those were her words.


I could type a lot more, but then you'all say I'm rambling! Haha

Does this seem funny to you?

How are they talking? What device is she using to contact him?

Never said it was. I just think it's funny in the sense that I keep getting told that I'm adding too much information that'she not usefull. I think it paints a bigger picture in the grand scheme, but eh. I'll leave it alone.

The main communication right now is Facebook on my old computer that I gave her.

Do you want to focus on the task at hand, or do you want to complain about your incomprehensible posts yesterday, which you were advised to get rid of, and you did, and since then people have got on with helping you? Shall we talk about the length of your posts?

If she is contacting him on a computer, put some spyware on the computer, right now.

Have you looked at his Facebook page and copied and pasted a list of his contacts into a Word document? It tells you to do this on the exposure thread. Are you going to take any specific steps to attack this affair, or are you going to continue to blog while time is being lost?

Do you have evidence of an affair? That is the question. We don't need to know how far back it went.

Other than her recent talking to her old friend on Facebook, no. All the evidence was on her phone.

Why don't you tether the iPhone to your computer and do a backup with iTunes, then restore from backup onto a functioning iPhone?

Well, it has a pass code on it. And unfortunately, you need to type that in to unlock it before plugging it in.

Not only that, but it won't even turn on anymore. I'm going to try another repair shop and see what they tell me. I only need it to work for a little while to get what I need off of it. If not, then oh well.

Wouldn't you or the repair shop need the same pass code in order to access it? If you have it, then you can use iTunes to back it up and restore it, right? That's the same problem that the FBI is having with the terrorist's phone right now, right?

True, yes. But the connector on the phone's motherboard is worn out and so the screen won't connect properly. So it's either a new motherboard, or a new phone.

So even if the connector is not broken, you won't be able to get into the phone without the pass code right?

Maybe time to move to other surveillance techniques. Do you have her iTunes password? If you have another iPhone you can restore it onto it.

You mentioned she does things on Facebook. Do you have her PW? If so you can look at all her FB Messenger history as well as her search history and the entire timeline.

Oh well? What is your plan if you can't get it to work?

Getting hard evidence is always helpful but is not absolutely necessary when you have seen evidence with your own eyes and have received a confession. You can expose with what you have seen and heard. But in the meantime, you should get spyware on everything so can track her going forward. When you see texts, emails, etc, you should take screenshots and save the evidence.

I never saw an answer to my post. You've spent time discussing what you can and can't do with a broken phone, when she is using your computer which you could put spyware on right now. Are you going to do that?

You obviously do have access to her FB messages, since you can see what they are writing to each other. Have you copied and pasted his contacts as I advised?