Thank you for your feedback and I hope you're wrong about the affair. I haven't done anything with the SOB OM yet because I can't seen to find him. My wife deleted everything and blocked everything when the children outed her. I might be able to reconnect with him on Facebook. I'm a bad spy I think.

Find him, get a ticket to PA and have a meeting with this creep letting him know that you are aware of what has been going on and that the affair is to stop. Visit him at his work place. No violence, but be strong, firm, and resolved.

Expose to everyone he knows.

I'm thinking of calling him to scare him a bit also. Don't see that in the recommended approaches but I like the sound of it.

Do you have his phone number??

42n8one, can you find him on facebook? Have you googled him? I would expose him at work and on his facebook page. Don't call him until AFTER you have exposed him. Calling him won't hurt him or run him off. Exposing him WILL do those things. Do that first and then you can call.

I found him on Facebook but I will have to learn how to get on his wall. His work website has no way to post so I will send his employer a letter certified. He also has a small fundraising site that nobody seems to contribute to. That's about it.

I have his work and cell#.

The way to expose to his facebook friends is copy and paste his contacts into a text doc. Then prioritize the contacts by family members and then married friends. Send them private messages using the instructions on my exposure thread.

Does he have to accept me as a contact? I will check on that.

oh no!! he does not. You just copy and paste his contacts into a text doc, prioritize them and then start sending them private messages. Use this template to suit your situation:

Sign your full name and make sure your facebook page has a picture of you and your wife and your children somewhere.

Ok thank you. I will work on that

The more I find out about this clown, the less I want to be with my wife. I have no idea what they had in common. How can you have an emotional affair with a kid 22 years younger than you? I am definitely not afraid of her going back to him though I am going to expose him as suggested. So strange. I just can't fathom it. I'm having a hard time believing that this was anything but physical attraction. Which is staggering because he's not apparently attractive. Ugh.

You would be surprised how many cougar affairs there are. It is not uncommon.

It is typical to affair down in social class, looks, status, financial, etc. I don't know that i have seen an explanation for it, but it is the rule not the exception.

It is because affairs are not based on logic. They are pure emotions. This person made you feel good enough for a long enough time.

I have no been going through a period of extreme anger. It is confusing to me because my ws has been trying to fill emotional needs of mine and all I have done is make large withdrawals from her bank. I know the book says that I am doing it because I want something from her but I can't figure out what that is. She thinks I want her to suffer but I don't feel like that is the case either. Thankfully the book defined for me that my behavior is verbally abusive so I won't berate her anymore. Classifying myself as abusive is abhorrent to me. One day I want a better marriage and the next I think I should move on. This doesn't appear to be addressed in the book but has to be common. Is anyone aware of tools available to help one determine if they can be fully committed to a marriage again? I almost feel as if my prior marriage is dead and I have to start a new one. With that type of thinking, coupled with nearly no sleep for three weeks, my weary brain concludes that if I am going to do that, the thought has crossed my mind that there is a lot of baggage trying to build a "new, happy, marriage"with my ws, if at all... Maybe it isn't worth the effort. 😔 Awful.

On the verbal abuse, I have stopped that (2-3days) terrible. But I still feel the need somewhat often to gain some sort of understanding about why, why why? To which there is nothing else to discuss. I know I have to quit bringing up the affair but it lasted so long, I feel like my memories and activities and the life of my family over the past two years were stolen from me by the person I loved and trusted the most along with a ghost who was always there but I couldn't see. I can't seem to shake how deliberate and intentional it all feels. It seems like I am great at LB deposits and poor at LB withdrawals while my ws is the opposite. Anyway...I keep bringing it up. Ugh.

42none, we have all been through this and I promise you it will fade away in time and be replaced with a happy, romantic marriage if you will follow the steps of this program. If you try to skip steps or cherry pick, welcome to your future because your resentment will grow and grow. Please hear me: you MUST follow the basic concepts. If you can do it on your own, fine. If not, you and your wife can go through the MB program with Dr. Harley and a coach.

Here are the paid options: Coaching program

Counseling with Dr. Harley's son, Steve or his daughter, Dr Jennifer Chalmers counseling

Do you have the book Surviving an Affair? Can you pick up the workbook Five Steps to Romanic Love? If you do, we can guide you through this program.


Exactly!! It was the old marriage that led to the affair. That marriage is dead and gone.

The reason she had the affair is because the opportunity was there when she traveled without you. Affairs are very common when couples travel apart. Affairs are epidemic in marriages where there are traveling jobs. Most cheaters don't go looking for it, they sort of fall into it because they have poor boundaries around the opposite sex. Because of the poor boundaries, they allow someone else to meet their needs and then find themselves falling for that person. When that happens, they justify and rationalize the affair. It is very much like an alcohol addiction. Affairs ARE addictions.

This dirtbag OM probably does this alot with women he meets on his cruises. I am sure she is not the first one.