Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 3 of 4 1 2 3 4
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 25
P
Member
OP Offline
Member
P
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 25
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by PacificLove
The best evidence I have is of intimate conversations between the two of them (non sexually related), to me that's sufficient to constitute that she's not emotionally invested in me but in someone else.

What do you mean by intimate? An affair is a romantic relationship. Do you have evidence of that?


Not all affairs are romantic, there are such things as Emotional Affairs where the spouse is emotionally invested outside the relationship but not necessarily romantically involved.

The samples I have:
Sharing sympathy towards each other over some news
He made some comments to my wife looking hot in an outfit


Last edited by PacificLove; 03/19/16 09:44 AM.
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by PacificLove
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by PacificLove
OM = Other Man? Yes he does but its completely locked down, no friend lists visible and he's not connected to my wife.

I've gotten his wife's phone #, tempted to text her to see if she suspects anything - perhaps we can collaborate together.

I would hold off for now until you have more evidence. Can you see some of the OM's FB posts and see the people who liked them?


No can't even see his photo. It's completely locked down. as far as exposure goes I can really only expose it to him, his wife, my wife and perhaps a friend or two of my wife's. Both our parents are distant (and hers don't speak English). I really struggle with this concept too - bringing it out in the public. I feel it should be kept between us and them (his wife definitely deserves to know but if they are already separated/divorced she may not care.

What can we do for you? Because if you are not here to follow this program, there isn't anything we can do for you.



"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by PacificLove
Not all affairs are romantic, there are such things as Emotional Affairs where the spouse is emotionally invested outside the relationship but not necessarily romantically involved.

The definition of an affair is a romantic relationship outside of marriage. That can be either emotional or physical. If it is not romantic, it is not an affair.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,842
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,842
Based on what you said, this is a physical affair. Call a PI. You will have evidence to convince a jury within a couple days.

If you don't expose, she gets to lie with no consequences. Never be afraid to tell the truth. (i bet you told your kiddo this before.)

Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 474
O
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 474
You SHOULDN'T need to disclose your snooping sources EVER. Even once you have clear evidence. Get the goods and come back here for help.

The fact that he commented on how she looked hot, is a red flag.

Do what Mel suggested and hire a P.I. You need significant facts before telling his wife. Otherwise the affair will go underground and you may never know the truth.

You are wasting valuable time needed to save YOUR marriage.

Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,527
Likes: 9
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,527
Likes: 9
Originally Posted by PacificLove
Not all affairs are romantic, there are such things as Emotional Affairs where the spouse is emotionally invested outside the relationship but not necessarily romantically involved.
That is a distinction without a difference. What is the difference between romantic and emotional, when we are talking about a spouse becoming close to someone else?

In fact, it actually does not make sense. How can it be an affair if it is not romantic?


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,527
Likes: 9
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,527
Likes: 9
Originally Posted by PacificLove
I'm pretty much convinced my wife is having an affair after first discovery of some in appropriate messages over 6 months ago and increasing signs since (distance, no intimacy, desire not to be touched, late nights and hidden texting).
Do you believe she's having an affair, or don't you? And if you do, what do you intend to do about it?

If you're here to teach us what is and isn't an affair, you're wasting your time!


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 789
Likes: 4
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 789
Likes: 4
Originally Posted by PacificLove
No can't even see his photo. It's completely locked down.
Google this: >"name OM" site:facebook.com<
You will probably find postings/comments of OM on some of his friends FB. Now you know a couple of possible friends.

Also check google images, same search. You will find a lot of avatars, some of those avatars belong to his friends. You will find pictures of friends he commented on or liked.
Now you know more possible friends.

Create new FB account. Play silly game (candy crush), invite lots of game playing strangers to be your friend. Now you have a snoop account. Invite one of his candy cruch playing friends to be your friend (some people friend anyone just for this game).

If this person accepts you as friend, all of a suden you see more posts and photos of OM. You are "friend of a friend" and you can check "likes" to find his friends.

I bet completely locked down won't be completely locked down anymore.

Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 25
P
Member
OP Offline
Member
P
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 25
Still gathering facts, she keeps deleting the texts so it's really hard to get any full conversations. I picked up a few things yesterday, definitely some flirting going on along with a proposal if he read a certain book (about relationships) would she sneak out to see him.

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by PacificLove
Still gathering facts, she keeps deleting the texts so it's really hard to get any full conversations. I picked up a few things yesterday, definitely some flirting going on along with a proposal if he read a certain book (about relationships) would she sneak out to see him.

But, there is no point to all this if you don't intend on using this intel for exposure. You told us yesterday you didn't believe in bringing her affair out into the public. Has that changed?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 995
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 995
Originally Posted by PacificLove
Still gathering facts, she keeps deleting the texts so it's really hard to get any full conversations. I picked up a few things yesterday, definitely some flirting going on along with a proposal if he read a certain book (about relationships) would she sneak out to see him.

Voice activated recorder. Spyware. All stuff mentioned to you earlier. Get them and quick before she takes this underground.

And my advice is to stop questioning those here as to why you need to do something or another. The steps remain unchanged year in and out. They work. All the reasons why they work are on this site and in the books. Get reads.

We're pulling for you bro'.

Mss


Life keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping into the fuuuu-ture.
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 25
P
Member
OP Offline
Member
P
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 25
Long time no post... been bouncing between expose/no expose (I know exposure is the philosophy of this group) here's what I've got so far:

Texting back and forth (in one text she calls him her lover)
He kept inquiring for her to come spend the night
She's admitted to spending one night with him when I was away but "nothing happened"
When I confronted she admitted to an EA (but not a PA)
She moved out on 4/1
Since then she's been back and forth to see D (but usually left after went to bed or crashed in D's room) she's renting a room.
Lingerie was missing from her drawer last week
As far as I can tell she spent at least 1 night (possibly 3) at his place in the last week (Based on mileage checks before she left and the next day that line up exactly to the distance "his" place and back - 65 miles)

I have shared the A with close friends and family but we haven't discussed exposure and even they are reluctant to expose (not convinced it's the right approach). I also spoke to my pastor who wasn't in favor of exposing.

She hasn't requested a D, only time to figure things out. I believe the A has been going on for at least 12 months, possibly 18 months. OM has already left his W - apparently because he walked in on her having an A but I think my W was twisting this and maybe she walked in on them.

Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,527
Likes: 9
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,527
Likes: 9
Originally Posted by PacificLove
Long time no post... been bouncing between expose/no expose (I know exposure is the philosophy of this group) here's what I've got so far:

Texting back and forth (in one text she calls him her lover)
He kept inquiring for her to come spend the night
She's admitted to spending one night with him when I was away but "nothing happened"
When I confronted she admitted to an EA (but not a PA)
She moved out on 4/1
Since then she's been back and forth to see D (but usually left after went to bed or crashed in D's room) she's renting a room.
Lingerie was missing from her drawer last week
As far as I can tell she spent at least 1 night (possibly 3) at his place in the last week (Based on mileage checks before she left and the next day that line up exactly to the distance "his" place and back - 65 miles)

I have shared the A with close friends and family but we haven't discussed exposure and even they are reluctant to expose (not convinced it's the right approach). I also spoke to my pastor who wasn't in favor of exposing.

She hasn't requested a D, only time to figure things out. I believe the A has been going on for at least 12 months, possibly 18 months. OM has already left his W - apparently because he walked in on her having an A but I think my W was twisting this and maybe she walked in on them.
So, how can we help you?


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 25
P
Member
OP Offline
Member
P
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 25
Originally Posted by SugarCane
Originally Posted by PacificLove
Long time no post... been bouncing between expose/no expose (I know exposure is the philosophy of this group) here's what I've got so far:

Texting back and forth (in one text she calls him her lover)
He kept inquiring for her to come spend the night
She's admitted to spending one night with him when I was away but "nothing happened"
When I confronted she admitted to an EA (but not a PA)
She moved out on 4/1
Since then she's been back and forth to see D (but usually left after went to bed or crashed in D's room) she's renting a room.
Lingerie was missing from her drawer last week
As far as I can tell she spent at least 1 night (possibly 3) at his place in the last week (Based on mileage checks before she left and the next day that line up exactly to the distance "his" place and back - 65 miles)

I have shared the A with close friends and family but we haven't discussed exposure and even they are reluctant to expose (not convinced it's the right approach). I also spoke to my pastor who wasn't in favor of exposing.

She hasn't requested a D, only time to figure things out. I believe the A has been going on for at least 12 months, possibly 18 months. OM has already left his W - apparently because he walked in on her having an A but I think my W was twisting this and maybe she walked in on them.
So, how can we help you?


Yeah I suppose I should ask some quesitons:

1) Is the evidence I have sufficient? ie proof she spent the night at some OM?
2) How does one go about trying to convince Family/Friends that Exposure is a good idea? (especially if I myself am not necessarily convinced)

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Did you read dr bill Harley's comments on the importance of exposure to recovery?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 155
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 155
Originally Posted by PacificLove
2) How does one go about trying to convince Family/Friends that Exposure is a good idea? (especially if I myself am not necessarily convinced)

You don't need to convince family/friends of anything, you just need to do it. Feel skeptical, and do it anyhow.

Exposure is counterintuitive to most people who have not studied the dynamics of affairs. But Dr. Harley has helped thousands of marriages recover from infidelity. He and the people here helping you KNOW that:

1. The affair MUST be stopped if you have any hope of recovering your marriage.

2. The longer the affair continues, the worse your marriage's chance at ever recovering.

3. Exposure is the absolute best tool to kill an affair.

4. Exposure is the best way to protect yourself from your wayward spouse rewriting history where you're the bad guy (which can affect you financially and with custody rights) should your marriage fail to recover, even if you decide you do not want to recover it.

Your family, friends, and pastor may mean well, but they do not know what they're talking about. And so what if they think it's unwise and you do it anyhow. Are they going to banish you because you made a different decision than they would have? It's hardly like your wayward wife checked with friends, family, and clergy to see if it was a "good idea" before she betrayed you.

Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
Originally Posted by PacificLove
2) How does one go about trying to convince Family/Friends that Exposure is a good idea? (especially if I myself am not necessarily convinced)

One doesn't do this. One just exposes. It works whether people agree or not.

In general, life is too short trying to waste time persuading people that you made the best choices.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
markos #2880673 04/29/16 08:35 PM
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
Convincing your friends and family about exposure is NOT one of the steps in the recovery program. Just follow the program - it works. Don't add steps.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
markos #2880694 04/29/16 11:23 PM
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,842
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,842
Get it done. Dont ask their approval.

Also, Ephesians 5:11 tells us how to deal with sexual immorality in the church -- Have nothing to do with fruitless deeds of darkness but rather expose them.
Your pastor needs to check his Bible.

Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
Have you talked with OM's BW?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Page 3 of 4 1 2 3 4

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,079 guests, and 45 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5